"Cybering isn't really my thing."

The title of this post is in quotes because I actually found myself uttering that phrase tonight.  A young -- and rather cute, I might add -- guy approached me and started talking sexually to me.  It was clear that he intended the conversation to turn into an alright wankfest of cybersex.  So I figured I best politely, yet firmly put the breaks on.

Granted, there was a time when I was into cybersex, much like there was a time I was open to long distance relationships.  And as with those, I grew, my needs and views changed, and I realized that it wasn't working for me.  Interestingly enough, I'd say that the transition from liking both to finding them undesirable were nearly coincidental with one another.  In many ways, that makes sense.  My original interest in both were motivated by the same factors.  I was in a rather isolated area where finding out and gay guys was difficult.  Being out was somewhere between difficult and outright impossible.  So in addition to being open to the idea of getting away from that situation and moving away into the arms of Mr. Right, engaging in cybersex with guys online provided me not only a sexual outlet, but a way to explore the feelings and desires that were finally bursting out of the dark dungeon I had confined them to.

The thing is, while cybersex is great for exploring and expressing one's desires, it doesn't really fulfill all those desires.  There's not the same physical intimacy (and probably not the same emotional intimacy either) that comes with actual, person-to-person sex.  Over time, that missing piece of the puzzle became more obvious, making online fun decreasingly fulfilling and interesting.

Of course, then I met a few guys and finally had real physical intimacy, which underscored what was lacking in my cybersex experiences.  Once I had that experience, going back to an imperfect substitute made less and less sense.  In eventuality, I lost interest altogether.  After all, time spent cybering is time I could spend making connections with local people, connections that again might eventually lead to the "real deal."

Having that brief encounter with a guy who is clearly at a point in his life where he's heavily into cybering simply reminded me of another way in which I've grown and changed.  I don't know if he will take the same path I did or come to the same conclusions someday.  Maybe for him, cybersex will always be a desirable part of his life.  If so, more power to him.  That's his choice to make and I have no desire to tell him how to live his life.

I simply recognized what is right for me and how that's changed over time.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

It's October 11, my friends.  That means that once again it is National Coming Out Day!  For those who aren't familiar with the day, look here for a brief explanation about it.  I didn't know that this day has been going on for 25 years now.  I only found out about it after I came out.  It's hard to imagine that the day was born back when I was a teenager.  That seems like another lifetime.

In many ways, I do view my pre-coming-out days as a different life.  A life that was marked by worry, shame, deception (of both myself and others), and general unpleasantness.  Accepting who I was as a gay man meant I was able to explore who I am, get to know myself, and find greater freedom in all my colorful glory.  I even have relatives who comment that it's as if I'm a different person.  Some of them like the new person I've become.  Others wish that the "old me" would return, stuffing the best parts of me back into a dusty, confining closet.  Alas, those relatives will remain disappointed.

So to all my gay friends, Happy NCOD!  To all my not-gay-but-supportive friends, thank you for accepting and cherishing me for who I am.  And to everyone, I say be true to yourself, lest you lose sight of both the truth and yourself altogether.

Note:  The image for this post was taken from this page, which is well worth reading.

Get Personal With Me: Colds and Self Care

Today's installment of Get Personal With Me is inspired by the fact that I've been tiring myself out to the point that I think I'm now trying to fight off a cold.

What helps you feel better when you're dealing with a cold?  Do you rely on comfort foods?  Have you found particular medications or even home remedies helpful?

Please keep the comment policy in mind when talking about other people's answers.

Get Personal With Me: Compliments

What's the best compliment you've ever received?  Has anyone ever been particularly touched by a compliment you've offered them.

Note:  Please keep the comment policy in mind when responding to this post or anyone else's answers.

Stealing an idea from JF

(Notice:  Frank sex talk ahead.)

Yesterday, JF wrote a great blog post considering what kind of lover his is.  Be sure to check out his list.  Then consider applying for the position of his lover, because I'm convinced he's going to make some guy damn lucky.

I want to springboard off of JF's list and consider not what kind of a lover I am, but what I'm looking for right now in terms of a relationship.  It's something that's changed over the years, and I think it'll continue to change as I grow and change.

Of course, growing up, I wanted the perfect lifelong relationship.  In reality, I still want that someday.  It's just a much more long term goal.  But in my teens (okay, back then I thought I wanted all that with a girl because that's what I was taught I was supposed to want) and twenties, it's all I would consider.  Every relationship I considered, even every potential date, was filtered through the mindset of "Is this the one???"

In many ways, I think that was harmful to me and my attempts to build friendships and relationships.  It became a sort of desperation that I suspect drove more than one guy away.

After that, I went through what I jokingly (to some friends' amusement) refer to as "my slut phase."  At that point, I was tired of trying for romance and getting incredibly hurt.  I wanted to just go out and have sex.  And I did.  I hooked up.  I met guys out and we went back to one of our places.  I even arranged to meet at one of our places without first meeting in public.  It was a fun time and I certainly enjoyed the sex.

Eventually though, I began to miss the emotional connection and intimacy.  I also started getting the sense that I was more than just an ass for the other guy to stick his cock into, which left me unhappy.  I didn't need to be the other guys "one and only love," but I wanted to matter as a person rather than being seen as an interchangeable part or the latest masturbatory aid.

So now I'm looking for that middle ground.  I want that relationship where I get along with a guy, we have a great time together -- both in and out of the bedroom -- and just seem to mesh well.  I want a relationship where we can talk, plan, work out differences where possible and accept them where it's not possible.  And yeah, if it lasts till death do us part, that's great.  But if it just lasts a couple of months while making them fantastic and enjoyable months, I'm good with that too.

Getting back into the saddle.

I was terribly quiet last week.  That's mainly because I was downright exhausted last week.  The week before that, I had been incredibly busy, what with going to a concert and having that date with the one guy.  That was on top of my usual adventures out and about at Home Bar and just having fun with friends.

So last week, I decided I needed some much needed R&R as a preventive measure.  I started having a tickle in my throat and the occasional sniffles.  When that happens, I know it's time to slow down a bit and get plenty of rest unless I want to spend a day or two in bed (which is never quite as fun when you're spending it there alone as when you're spending it there with someone else).

Sadly, this also meant that I didn't get much writing done.  (Have I mentioned that I started a new writing project?)  I'm trying not to beat myself up over that too much.  The two weeks prior to this past one, I had been starting to really get rolling on the writing.  Then last week hit and I dropped down to writing just a handful of paragraphs.  I'm committed to getting back into the swing of things (without a lot of self-flagellation) this week though.  I hope to have writing spurts Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday this week.

On the meeting people/potential dating front, I also spent most of last week conversing with someone new in email.  He seems like a pretty cool guy.  He's about five years younger than me.  We've enjoyed our conversations.  I'm not sure it'll turn into anything more than electronic pen pals, let alone friendship, but I'm trying to enjoy it for what it is.  It's certainly better than a brief conversation or meeting followed by never talking again.  That pattern gets a little annoying after a while, let me tell you.

At any rate, I hope to have more to write as the week progresses.

Drama and Dating

I ran across this video this morning and loved it:

Think of how much less drama there would be in the world if all the gay men would take this advice and get over it when their friends and exes dated.  I've seen that drama first hand and could only shake my head.  The guy spent several minutes going on about how two of his exes were dating and even had the nerve to come into the chain restaurant that he worked at on a date.  He  spent that time trying to figure out why they'd do that, as if they might visit a chain restaurant simply because they liked the food they serve.

I think that's what gets me.  Drama over exes dating or friends dating your exes is all about making the whole thing about you and your past relationship(s).  My advice to everyone is simply, move on with your lives.  Your exes (or friends and exes) dating is simply not about you.  In fact, it's probably a good sign that your ex(es) are trying to move on with their lives.

Lather, rinse, repeat: Good for washing hair, but not your love life

In many ways, I'm still processing through the events and feelings about my mid-week date.  In many ways, I've started to become more convinced that I really dodged a bullet with this one.  One of the things I didn't mention in my previous post was that he shared with me a bit about his history, including how he came here.  Originally, he lived six hours away, but moved here for a guy.  He told me that he and his ex met online back in February, really hit it off, and decided to move in together, which for my date meant a relocation halfway across the state.  They moved in together back in April.

He's adorable, but is he really worth
packing and unpacking all those boxes?

So he's the kind of guy who met someone and within two months had decided it was True Love™and went through a major move.  That strikes me as...fast.  Granted, I probably wouldn't have always considered it fast.  As I noted in a previous post, there was a time in my life when I would've done anything for anything I thought was True Love™.  In fact, there was a time when I was seriously considering moving to another continent to be with the guy I was convinced I was meant to be with.  (Fortunately, he ended our online entanglement before that could happen.)  I'd like to think I might have still waited for more than two months before going through with it, mind you.  Still, I appreciate the mentality and understand how someone could actually go through with it.

What I don't totally get is that it looks like my date may be planning on going through it all over again.  On our way back to my car from Manly Bar and after he'd decided I wasn't The One™, he started rambling. One of the things he got telling me about is this guy he's been talking to who lives out in Arizona for some time.  He started telling me about how they seemed to have this incredible connection and just got each other on so many levels.  He said he's hoping to go for a visit in January, and that they've made plans to meet a few times but had to cancel in the past.  Listening to him talk (and thinking about it afterward), I realized that he's probably already making plans to move to Arizona for this guy, just like he moved here for his now-ex.

Well, at least he waited more than two months before plunging in.  After all, Arizona is significantly more than six hours away.

All joking and snark aside, this really does amaze me.  I understand impulsively uprooting yourself once for True Love™.  After all, we're all raised with pretty outrageous notions about romance and love.  All the movies tell us that these things have a magic way of working out, and such impulsive daring is rewarded.  So yeah, I see going through all that once.

What I don't get so much is going through that, getting burned, finding yourself in a strange place with few or no friends, and when presented with an opportunity to do it again, and thinking it's still a good idea the second time.

Maybe when I was younger and thought more like this guy, I would think it was a good idea too.  Who knows?  If that's the case, I can only say that I'm glad that I grew wiser over the past several years.

Friday Thoughts: Confidence and Mistakes

Normally, Friday Thoughts are something that's been on my mind and expressed in my own words.  This week, however, I've decided to "outsource" Friday thoughts, as this picture and caption are too perfect not to share.

For those who can't see the picture or read the caption:

Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.

A pleasant but disappointing date

As anyone who was following my Twitter feed last night would know, I had a date of sorts that didn't go so well.  I originally met the guy through an online personal site.  I contacted him back on Sunday.  I have to say that I thought that my first email (and even the follow-up emails) was amazing, witty, and engaging.  Given that he responded earlier yesterday afternoon, continued the exhange, and proposed meeting in person later last night, I think it's safe to say that the other guy would agree with my assessment.  In many ways, I'm proud of myself for that, as I showed myself to be witty, passionate, and interesting, all characteristics that I was concerned other people might not feel I possessed as recently as a year ago.

That sums up how I feel.
Though I'm more up than down.

Granted, I was a bit concerned and even pleasantly surprised when he responded to my email.  After all, he was in his mid twenties, and I'm getting ready to exit my thirties in less than two years.  But I was pleased to see that I charmed him over and agreed to meet him at a coffee shop around 8:30.  We met there, then decided to go for a walk, as the coffee shop closed at 9 and was more crowded than either of us expected.  We made small talk as we walked and eventually decided to go to Manly Bar for a drink, which was several blocks (possibly a mile) away.  He had a bear and I had a couple vodka and cranberry cocktails.  We talked a bit more and decided to play pool.

Playing pool was interesting.  We both told each other that we weren't very good, which I suspect is the truth.  However, it was a bit embarrassing that I had one of those rare miraculous streaks where four of my consecutive shots actually went the way I intended them to, so I think he thought I had understated my pool playing ability.  (What a time to get lucky, eh?)  Even so, he still only had one ball left on the table when I sunk the eight ball for the win, so it went well.  (Though I'm a bit annoyed that he seemed to doubt my honesty when I said I just got lucky with those shots.)

Overall, I felt the night went really well.  I got out of the house.  I spent a couple hours with a guy who I thought I was both rather cute and pretty smart (if a bit on the insecure side).  Sure, there were a few awkward silences as neither of us were sure what to say (I felt like I was talking too much and had trouble spawning lengtheir responses from him).  But I was okay with that.  I've learned to accept awkward silences and let them naturally resolve themselves.  They bothered him, though.

And there was no "magic moment" where things were perfect and we fell instantly in love (or lust).  Honestly, I'm okay with that at my age.  I don't believe that such fairy tale moments are necessary -- or even conducive much of the time -- to meaningful or lasting relationships.  As such, I felt the night went well for a first time meeting and would be open to spending more time with him.  Even if we never clicked on a romantic level -- and I admit that there's a good possibility that would never happen -- I felt there was enough potential there for a good friendship.  Good friendships -- especially friendships with people I can go to a bar or do other things -- are something I could use more of, to be frank.

Alas, my date (though I'm not sure he'd consider it a date) doesn't seem to feel the same way.  He made a point both at manly bar and when we approached my car to end our night to tell me that he just didn't see any chemistry between us.  It seems he was looking for that magic "fairy tale" moment and is interested in nothing less.  As such, I don't get the impression he's interested in pursuing even a friendship.

While I'm disappointed about this, I accept it.  And while I told him -- when he asked for my opinion -- that I personally would like to spend a bit more time with him, I don't intend on pushing the issue.  If his mind is made up -- and it seems to be that way -- I will respect that.  To be honest, I like him and think he's a good guy, but I'm not going to push or beg for attention or even time spent together.

I did find it funny that he seemed to open up -- in that rambling "let me tell you my whole life story and all my inner thoughts and fears" sort of way (that included talking about some guy out west that he "just clicks with" and hopes to meet this winter) -- on our way home.  I don't know, perhaps that once he decided there was no way I could be "The One," he felt more comfortable and able to just say what was on his mind.  Well, he did that until he started realizing that he was rambling and worried that it would bother me.  (I actually enjoy listening to people ramble.  It's one of my quirks.)

In many ways, he reminded of me from a few years ago:  Insecure, too worried about what other people think, too desperate to find validation through others.  In reality, that probably means I'm just as well off letting him decide not to pursue anything with me.  It's still disappointing though.

But any way you look at it, I was charming and had a great time.  And in the end, I think that's the most important and most encouraging thing to me.

Plus, it's the first date ever in which I got to reminisce about The Facts Of Life.