Stealing an idea from JF

(Notice:  Frank sex talk ahead.)

Yesterday, JF wrote a great blog post considering what kind of lover his is.  Be sure to check out his list.  Then consider applying for the position of his lover, because I'm convinced he's going to make some guy damn lucky.

I want to springboard off of JF's list and consider not what kind of a lover I am, but what I'm looking for right now in terms of a relationship.  It's something that's changed over the years, and I think it'll continue to change as I grow and change.

Of course, growing up, I wanted the perfect lifelong relationship.  In reality, I still want that someday.  It's just a much more long term goal.  But in my teens (okay, back then I thought I wanted all that with a girl because that's what I was taught I was supposed to want) and twenties, it's all I would consider.  Every relationship I considered, even every potential date, was filtered through the mindset of "Is this the one???"

In many ways, I think that was harmful to me and my attempts to build friendships and relationships.  It became a sort of desperation that I suspect drove more than one guy away.

After that, I went through what I jokingly (to some friends' amusement) refer to as "my slut phase."  At that point, I was tired of trying for romance and getting incredibly hurt.  I wanted to just go out and have sex.  And I did.  I hooked up.  I met guys out and we went back to one of our places.  I even arranged to meet at one of our places without first meeting in public.  It was a fun time and I certainly enjoyed the sex.

Eventually though, I began to miss the emotional connection and intimacy.  I also started getting the sense that I was more than just an ass for the other guy to stick his cock into, which left me unhappy.  I didn't need to be the other guys "one and only love," but I wanted to matter as a person rather than being seen as an interchangeable part or the latest masturbatory aid.

So now I'm looking for that middle ground.  I want that relationship where I get along with a guy, we have a great time together -- both in and out of the bedroom -- and just seem to mesh well.  I want a relationship where we can talk, plan, work out differences where possible and accept them where it's not possible.  And yeah, if it lasts till death do us part, that's great.  But if it just lasts a couple of months while making them fantastic and enjoyable months, I'm good with that too.

Checkup, Part 3: Denial and Excuses

Continuing on with my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2), I'm now looking at the denial characteristics that I felt fit me back in early 2011:

• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening
• pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are
• tell themselves things will be better tomorrow
• get confused
• overeat
• watch problems get worse
• believe lies
• lie to themselves 
• wonder why they feel like they're going crazy

This is one of those areas where I particularly feel like I've come a long way.  When I was with Rumor Queen earlier this year, I saw the problems in our relationship.  I didn't try to deny that they existed.  I didn't make excuses for his choices that were hurting me and sabotaging our relationship.  I acknowledged them and eventually acted on them.  Furthermore, I acted on them by accepting that they were there and that there was no way I was going to make them go away, and I walked away as a result.

No more doing this!

Granted, it might have been better if I had walked away sooner, rather than keeping the relationship going for nearly a full month.  However, I felt I needed to give Rumor Queen time to fix the issues rather than immediately dumping him.  Perhaps I gave too much time, but that's something that I can perfect in future relationships (assuming my next relationship isn't phenomenal and lasts till death do us part).  After all, I'm not looking for perfection here, but progress.

Plus even while giving him a chance to fix things, I made it clear that he needed to fix things.  When he ignored me to feed one of his obsessions or get involved in someone else's drama, I made it perfectly clear that it was not cool that he did so and that I was unhappy about it.

When I was in similar situations with Hot Pants, back before I went to therapy, I was much more inclined to make excuses for him.  "Oh, it's because of his bad family life."  "Oh, it's because of past abusive relationships."  Sure, I got angry with Hot Pants too and even made my anger and displeasure known.  But in the end, I'd eventually suck it up, stay with him, and make excuses for him.  Not so with Rumor Queen.

In general, I think I'm more willing to see people and situations as they really are.  In a lot of ways, I think it's because I'm less willing to settle for just anything, whether we're talking about romantic relationships or friendships.  I've come to accept that I'm a quality guy who deserves quality people in his life.  What's more, if someone is not being a quality friend (or lover), I'm far more willing to call them out or even just drop them if I don't think calling them out will do any good.

Brief thought for the day

If we refuse to heed the warning signs, whose fault is that?

People who loudly proclaim they hate drama seem to keep finding it anyway.  Perhaps the solution is to quit talking about how much we hate drama and just walk away when we spot it.