Seventeen month checkup, Part 2

I figured I'd finish commenting on the first list of codependent traits as a continuation of my last post.

• abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else

Loving
myself!

I think I've gotten better about this one.  This is a bad habit I got into with Hot Pants.  He'd have an emergency (often one that he created for himself) and I'd drop everything -- even leaving work -- to take care of whatever he needed at that moment.  Since then, I've taken a much harder stance that anyone's self-generated emergency is not my problem.  I've also made it clear that any emergency that can wait will wait.  After all, they aren't really emergencies if they can wait.  And a lot more things can wait than some people realize.

• feel harried and pressured
• blame others for the spot the codependents are in

Again, I've come to realize that most things are not as pressing as out of control people like to pretend they are.  As such, I give myself permission to take my time in dealing with situations, if I decide to deal with them at all.

As for blaming others, I don't do that much.  If someone is out of control, I'm much more likely to "cut bait" these days.  I figure it's not my problem to begin with, and I'm not the one in a spot.

• feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

This still happens on occasion, mainly because I'm still too kindhearted for my own good.  After all, overcoming this sort of thing is a work in progress.  But there's been a lot of progress made.  I'd say that these days, this is a monthly occurrence when I stop and point out to myself that I'm taking on a bit too much.  Back in 2010, it was a more-than-daily occurence.

• blame themselves for everything
• get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise

The first one is practically a non-issue.  Now I only take responsibility for my own choices.  Also, I've accepted than I can't control everything, so I have no reason to blame myself for other people's choices, which was the real problem.

I still occasionally struggle with feeling underappreciated, though.

• feel different from the rest of the world

I still struggle with this, though it's getting better.  I actually feel like part of the crowd at Home Bar, which is a good sign of progress.

• fear rejection

I don't struggle with this as much.  I've accepted that some people aren't just going to get along with me.  I'm also coming to realize that those who won't get along with me are usually the kind of people I'm better off without.  The process of separation is still a bit painful, though.  And I fear facing that pain at times.

I don't take it quite as personally though.

• take things personally

Guess I just answered that one.

• feel like victims

Not so much.  I sometimes (and rightfully, I think) feel like I've been wronged.  But I don't feel like a victim.  When I'm wronged, it's a matter of someone behaving badly (and possibly a sign that I've trusted the wrong person), but I don't see myself as constantly being taken advantage of anymore.

• be afraid of making mistakes
• expect themselves to do everything right

I'm still a bit of a perfectionist and I have very high standards for myself.  But at the same time, I feel I'm much more forgiving of myself when I make a mistake.  I don't spend nearly as much time kicking myself or wondering what I could have done differently "if I had been paying better attention."  (See?  It's that whole control thing again.)

• feel a lot of guilt
• try to help other people live their lives instead

I'm pretty much over feeling guilty and avoiding my own problems by fixing other people's lives.  Thank Athena.

• wish other people would like and love them

I still struggle with this a bit, though I'm much more aware of the people who do care deeply about me and love me.

• settle for being needed

I am so over this one.  It's one of the reasons I still struggle with the previous item.  I spent so much time defining my value to others by what I could do for them that I often feel like that's the only reason I was ever valued.  I now want to be valued for my sense of humor, my insight, my interests, and the fact that I'm adorable.

• worry about the silliest things
• think and talk a lot about other people
• lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior
• worry
• check on people
• try to catch people in acts of misbehavior
• feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems

These are all things of the past.  (Though I do think I've talked a bit about my frustrations with Sweet Cynic a bit too much lately.)

• abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something
• focus all their energy on other people and problems
• wonder why they never have any energy
• wonder why they can't get things done

Again, these are no longer problems.

The rest of this first list has to do with trying to control others.  I think I've already covered that topic.

I'll move on to the second list in a future post.