Seventeen month checkup

I think I've mentioned in passing that I have been to therapy.  I'm also pretty sure that I've mentioned that I was diagnosed as codependent.  When I was diagnosed back in 2010, I started a private, invite-only blog to write about my therapy sessions and my progress to learn to deal with my codependency and make the necessary changes in my life, thoughts, and behaviors.  This morning, I started thumbing through that blog to see if there are any posts I might lift and share (after editing for anonymity of course) here.  As I skimmed, I ran across a couple of posts where I went through the checklist Melody Beattie offers in her boofk describing various characteristics a codependent person might exhibit and offered thoughts on the ones that applied to me.

As I scanned the list, I decided it would be interesting to see how much those same points apply to me now that it's been almost eighteen months.  So here we go.

• think and feel responsible for other people -- for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
• feel compelled -- almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggesstions, or fixing feelings.

This book helped
me so much!

This is something I can say I'm almost completely over.  I think my relationship with Rumor Queen proved that a great deal.  I was willing to let him experience whatever emotions he experienced (something that sometimes didn't sit well with him).  The only time his emotions bothered me was when he used his emotions as an excuse to act in ways that negatively affected me.  In those cases, I didn't seek to change how he felt.  I simply made it clear that I wasn't going to put up with his attempts to make me "wear" whatever he was feeling.  "Feel what you want.  But get your behavior under control or we're going to have a problem."

I'm also much happier to let people solve their own problems and fix their own messes.  I've watched Sweet Cynic make some doozies of mistakes^[1] and kept quiet about it.  I simply don't have the time to rescue people from their own bad choices.  I'd rather spend that time treating myself to a manicure or going to see a movie.

Oh, there are days I struggle, mind you.  I think the ones I struggle with most are when I see other people acting in a manner that suggests codependency.  When I see other people trying to control other people's emotional state or behavior, it's very tempting to step in and "make them stop."  Which is an understandable impulse.  Knowing from personal experience how self-destructive codependent behavior can be, it's perfectly understandable that I don't want to watch other people, especially people I care about, engage in it.

The thing is, trying to control other people's codependent behavior is still codependent behavior on my part, so I'm working on letting that go as well.  I've been doing okay.  Not perfectly, but okay.  And that's fine.  (After all, demanding unreasonable perfection from oneself is another common trait among codependent people.  So I'm working to break that pattern as well.)

• wonder why others don't do the same for them

I don't wonder about this so much.  At this point, if others don't seem to do as much more me as I do for them, I simply figure they can't or don't want to.  Then I decide if I think the friendship is worth continuing given the imbalance.

Of course it also helps that I have been more open about my needs with some of the friends I know I can trust.  I've come to acknowledge those people that I can go to if I really need something -- money, a shoulder to cry on, help moving a body -- and simply say, "hey I need this."

That's something that as a codependent person I struggled with (and still do to a lesser extent):  Believing that I have the right to ask for help rather than just waiting for someone to realize I need help and offer it.  I'm learning to overcome that, though.

• find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves

I think I pretty much covered this in a recent post.  To recap, I don't always say yes, but I rely too much on excuses and avoidance rather than just saying, "Sorry, I don't want to do that."

• find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves

I think I've gotten much better about this.  I certainly had no problems expressing my anger with Rumor Queen when I felt he wronged me.

• feel safest when giving
• feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them

I think I covered this above.  I sometimes still give too much, but I'm getting quicker at realizing when that's happening.  And I'm slowly getting better about asking in return when I have a need.

• find themselves attracted to needy people
• find needy people attracted to them

I think the first one is less true of me.  I'm also learning to put distance between myself and needy people.  I do still feel like I attract more needy people than I'd care to.  But I'm also attracting more well-balanced and independent people.  I have people like Management and Sassy Waiter in my life now as well.

Plus I'm less needy myself, which I think helps.  I'm not relying so much on other people to fulfill my needs.  I'm not so desperate to feel like I'll belong that I'll cling to anyone who shows me the slightest interest.  To be totally blunt, I've been developing (higher) standards.

• feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help

Well, for starters, I'm starting to learn to leave my love of problem-solving at work.  As for crises, I've found that a much quieter life is far more enjoyable than one that has me jumping from crisis to crisis.

Plus I've rediscovered my love of blogging and writing.  I've made new friends and try to spend more time with them.  Plus I'm building ways to socialize that don't involve crises and other drama.  In short, I'm taking all that energy I used to spend on drama and channeling it into activities and relationships that are much more interesting, much more fulfilling, and infinitely more enjoyable.

I think I'll stop there for now.  I'm only halfway through the bulleted items of the first checklist post, but I think this has gotten long enough for one day.

---

^[1]We're talking about a guy who starts randomly texting someone he hasn't talked to for years, tells the guy he's having a late night meal with me, thinks nothing of it when said guy shows up at the restaurant uninvited and waits in the car until he comes outside to talk, and is totally shocked that said guy "turns out" to be totally controlling a few days later.  Dude, if you can't see the alarm bells when a guy pulls a stunt like that, you're beyond my help.