Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.