I love the feel of shea butter.

Leaves my skin feeling
clean and silky.

This morning, I hopped into the shower and decided to use my SoftSoap body wash with shea butter and almond oil.  I use it every now and then, especially on those days where I want to have an extra special shower experience.  (No, no orgasms were involved).  I just love the feel of it against my skin.  It's nice and silky, as opposed to my other body wash.

As I was showering today, I realized there's another reason I love the feel of that body wash and why it gives me an extra special feeling.  I realized that, at least on an unconscious level, it stirred memories I also associate with shea butter because of another product I favor that has the same ingredient (come to think of it, the textures of the two products are pretty close as a result):  The water based version of Boy Butter lubricant.

I switched to Boy Butter a few years back when one of my boyfriends (Sodomy Badge, to be precise) had a bad reaction to the only lube I had on hand at the time.  (At least, we assume it was a bad reaction to the lube.)  I noticed that the lube had one of the nonoxyl compounds (though not nonoxyl-9) in it.  (Which is kind of weird, because nonoxyl compounds are normally used for spermicidal purposes, which seems pretty pointless in a lubricant that's specifically packaged and marketed for use in anal sex, as this lube was.)  A web search informed me that these compounds can irritate sensitive skin.

Makes other parts of my body feel the same
way.  Parts the body wash doesn't really get
to.  And maybe not the "clean" part so much.

As a result, I went looking for different lubes.  During my search, I ran across boy-butter, which claims to be hypoallergenic and has a rich creamy feeling.  I can't speak to the former, but I can say from personal experience that I completely agree with that second assessment.  In fact, I've pretty much started using Boy Butter exclusively.  I've tried Wet, Astroglide, KY, and a few less-known brands.  One thing I find with all of them is that they have a somewhat tacky texture to them, which only gets worse as they start to dry.  By butter, on the other hand feels creamy, silky, and soothing to me and continues to feel that way even as it starts to dry.  (In fact, it's the only lube I don't feel like I have to wash off immediately after the fun is over.)

So when I wash with that body wash, I think of the good feelings that I associate with my favorite lubricant, and possibly even what I'm doing while using that lubricant.  So it's no wonder I feel extra special and extra good about myself when I use it.

Note:  I am not being paid by the manufacturers of either product mentioned in this ad.  Though if they happen to see this and feel like compensating me for my endorsements, I would not be opposed to the idea.  (Hey, a guy can dream, right?)

Some lessons are ongoing

Finding that picture of Stockboy (damn, I might have to add him tot he score card if I'm going to keep talking about him) got me strolling down memory lane quite a bit the past few days.  It occurred to me that my relationship with Stockboy was the beginning^[1] of a journey of healing for me.

Stockboy was my second boyfriend.  Before then, I had only ever been with Satyr Boi, an expereince that could best be described a train-wreck of a six month relationship in which I was emotionally entangled with someone who didn't know how to deal with his emotions and only showed any hint of caring about others through sex.  There's a certain sense of irony in the fact that I went from that disaster into a four year relationship in which the most physically intimate thing that Stockboy and I ever did was kiss each other on the cheek (and that only happened twice).

While I certainly would not want to be in such a non-physical, non-sexual relationship for so long now, that relationship worked wonders for me back then.  It helped me to start breaking down the cycle in which I confused love and sex and assumed that the absence of the latter automatically meant the absence of the former.  Being with Stockboy meant teaching myself to see signs of love and affection as they were expressed through other acts.  It broadened my horizons.

At a higher level, that relationship also taught me a lot about self-reflection and self-evaluation.  I learned to look at my behaviors and the underlying thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that motivated them.  I learned to see relationships as being as much about the process of personal growth as it is about finding true love or being with someone else.  In effect, it was that four year relationship that taught me to audit myself -- in a self-reaffirming and constructive manner rather than a self-denigrated one -- and see where I needed to change.  It's a lesson that I've sought to bring forward with me into my relationships ever since then.

Oh sure, I haven't done a perfect job.  On some days, I'm tempted to look at my subsequent entanglements with Sodomy Badge and Hot Pants and ask if I really learned anything from being with Stockboy.  On my better days, I know I did.  Even in those messed up relationships, my self-reflection process was going on.  There were things wrong in both of those relationships and I knew the problems existed at the time.  I simply chose to ignore them.  More often, I chose to make excuses.  "Well, yeah, I know Sodomy Badge is being selfish and mean at times, but it's because he's scared and lived a sheltered life."  "Well, yeah, Hot Pants is behaving horribly, but he's acting out from his painful past."

In those moments, I realize that the process that started with Stockboy simply hadn't completed by the time I got involved with others (and likely still hasn't).  I hadn't audited myself to the point where I realized that I made too many excuses for others or why I was doing it.  Those are the lessons I learned after going through those relationships, thereby continuing those lessons.

---

^[1]Actually, the journey probably started with a single event that took place in my life about three years before meeting Stockboy, but that may be a story for another day.  For now, we'll pretend that the story starts with him.

I've played the Pianoman and we both liked it

Well, it looks like I went silent again!  Fortunately, this silence only lasted for about four days, and it totally understandable, given my busy weekend and otherwise crazy life.  Besides, I'm consciously not setting a schedule for this blog beyond "I'll try to post at least once a week."  And I'm willing to even cut myself some slack if an emergency comes up, I'm too busy to blog, I'm too depressed, or I just get a wild hair on my ass.

Not synonyms, but often intersecting

At some point, I want to write about a few things from the weekend.  In fact, that's what I was originally planning on writing about tonight.  Then Pianoman (the score card has been updated) contacted me tonight, taking my thoughts and my writing in a different direction.

I first met Pianoman on an online dating/hookup site back in the Spring of 2010.  I had just been put through the emotional ringer by another young man, Sodomy Badge, and I was tired of trying to make romantic relationships work only to get hurt, so I decided it was time to be the stereotypical slut (my friends laugh at this, as my experimentation left me with less total sexual partners in my entire history than some of them have had in a month) that the anti-gay crowd assumes all us gay men are.  Pianoman was young, horny, and all too happy to help me out in that arrangement.  We got together, and had a pretty good time.

That's putting it mildly.  I'll say up front that Pianoman was the first guy I was ever with that had any sexual experience to speak of and it showed.  He turned sex into something that was somewhat enjoyable into something that left me going, "Oh god, how long before you can do that again?!?!"

Since then, Pianoman and I have gotten together on various occasions.  We've never been regular fuck buddies and certainly not friends with benefits.  Truth be told, I don't think Pianoman is all that into me other than as a source of sexual fulfillment when he needs me.  And that was fine when things started out.  I was looking for pure sex.  He was looking for pure sex.  We got together when we both (well, mostly he, as I was usually long past desperate by the time he came calling) were in the mood and could make our schedules work.  And of course, in between, I dated and fooled around with other guys.  I assume he did the same.

Be thankful it's only two symbols intertwined.

Tonight, he contacted me looking for another chance to fool around.  I'm not sure I'm all that interested.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still find him incredibly attractive.  I know the sex with him would be phenomenal, and phenomenal sex sounds quite tempting right now.

But to be honest, no strings attached sex just isn't as appealing to me now as it was the last couple years.  I'd like a few strings attached.  I'd like something regular, to bend over for someone, let him do his thing, get my own pleasure, and kiss him at the end, knowing that I'll see him again in a week, a few days, or whenever.  And that's something I know I'm not going to get with Pianoman.  He's still young.  He's still undecided on what he's looking for in life.  In short, he's still fooling around while he makes up his mind.  And while I totally get that and respect it, I'm not sure I'm down with being the guy he does that with anymore.

What's really interesting to me is my thought processes on this.  I'm thinking about turning him down.  Sure, I set a tentative arrangement for Saturday, but I'm reminding myself that I can and should cancel if something else comes up -- or someone more serious comes along -- between now and then.  Hell, I'm telling myself I should cancel if I just wake up and decide I don't feel like no-strings sex that day -- even if it's the only option for sex I have.  (And I'll admit that's the only reason I didn't tell him no outright, I want to hold on to that option for right now.  Not sure what that says about me....)

In the past, I would've tried to figure out a way to make him like me as more than an occasional sex partner.  I would've tried to figure out how to get him to love me.  I would've held on desperately.  But like I realized with Rumor Queen (the ex formerly known as Snuggly Bear), that sort of effort just isn't worth it.  Surely there are guys out there that would love for a serious, regular, committed, and even romantic relationship with me, and I'd be better off trying to find one of them rather than trying to force Pianoman into being one.