I've played the Pianoman and we both liked it

Well, it looks like I went silent again!  Fortunately, this silence only lasted for about four days, and it totally understandable, given my busy weekend and otherwise crazy life.  Besides, I'm consciously not setting a schedule for this blog beyond "I'll try to post at least once a week."  And I'm willing to even cut myself some slack if an emergency comes up, I'm too busy to blog, I'm too depressed, or I just get a wild hair on my ass.

Not synonyms, but often intersecting

At some point, I want to write about a few things from the weekend.  In fact, that's what I was originally planning on writing about tonight.  Then Pianoman (the score card has been updated) contacted me tonight, taking my thoughts and my writing in a different direction.

I first met Pianoman on an online dating/hookup site back in the Spring of 2010.  I had just been put through the emotional ringer by another young man, Sodomy Badge, and I was tired of trying to make romantic relationships work only to get hurt, so I decided it was time to be the stereotypical slut (my friends laugh at this, as my experimentation left me with less total sexual partners in my entire history than some of them have had in a month) that the anti-gay crowd assumes all us gay men are.  Pianoman was young, horny, and all too happy to help me out in that arrangement.  We got together, and had a pretty good time.

That's putting it mildly.  I'll say up front that Pianoman was the first guy I was ever with that had any sexual experience to speak of and it showed.  He turned sex into something that was somewhat enjoyable into something that left me going, "Oh god, how long before you can do that again?!?!"

Since then, Pianoman and I have gotten together on various occasions.  We've never been regular fuck buddies and certainly not friends with benefits.  Truth be told, I don't think Pianoman is all that into me other than as a source of sexual fulfillment when he needs me.  And that was fine when things started out.  I was looking for pure sex.  He was looking for pure sex.  We got together when we both (well, mostly he, as I was usually long past desperate by the time he came calling) were in the mood and could make our schedules work.  And of course, in between, I dated and fooled around with other guys.  I assume he did the same.

Be thankful it's only two symbols intertwined.

Tonight, he contacted me looking for another chance to fool around.  I'm not sure I'm all that interested.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still find him incredibly attractive.  I know the sex with him would be phenomenal, and phenomenal sex sounds quite tempting right now.

But to be honest, no strings attached sex just isn't as appealing to me now as it was the last couple years.  I'd like a few strings attached.  I'd like something regular, to bend over for someone, let him do his thing, get my own pleasure, and kiss him at the end, knowing that I'll see him again in a week, a few days, or whenever.  And that's something I know I'm not going to get with Pianoman.  He's still young.  He's still undecided on what he's looking for in life.  In short, he's still fooling around while he makes up his mind.  And while I totally get that and respect it, I'm not sure I'm down with being the guy he does that with anymore.

What's really interesting to me is my thought processes on this.  I'm thinking about turning him down.  Sure, I set a tentative arrangement for Saturday, but I'm reminding myself that I can and should cancel if something else comes up -- or someone more serious comes along -- between now and then.  Hell, I'm telling myself I should cancel if I just wake up and decide I don't feel like no-strings sex that day -- even if it's the only option for sex I have.  (And I'll admit that's the only reason I didn't tell him no outright, I want to hold on to that option for right now.  Not sure what that says about me....)

In the past, I would've tried to figure out a way to make him like me as more than an occasional sex partner.  I would've tried to figure out how to get him to love me.  I would've held on desperately.  But like I realized with Rumor Queen (the ex formerly known as Snuggly Bear), that sort of effort just isn't worth it.  Surely there are guys out there that would love for a serious, regular, committed, and even romantic relationship with me, and I'd be better off trying to find one of them rather than trying to force Pianoman into being one.