A while back, I realized that I really don't like online dating sites. It's not that I am opposed to them in theory. I'm all for meeting new people however one can meet new people. No, my problem is more personal and practical.
I don't feel that dating profiles really do me justice. I'm the kind of guy that grows on people through actual interactions. When we spend time together and I cause him to laugh every five minutes over some bit of silliness or a touch of whit borne of a non-typical perspective, I go from being just some guy in his mind to being incredibly alluring, charming, and downright attractive.
Those are the kinds of things that I find almost impossible to capture in a simple online dating profile. Unless I ramble on, which is something most online dating sites won't let you do. They have character limits, and they are way too low in my experience.
One thing I tried doing on Craigslist -- which doesn't have character limits -- was to create an ad in which I included some snippets of my writings -- something I also think tends to set me apart and (hopefully) makes me more attractive -- that oriented toward romance and intimacy. Here's what I ended up posting:
Sensual and Romantic, Looking to Connect
I decided it was now or never. I stepped closer to him and kissed him on
the lips. It was a soft, gentle kiss. He tensed for just a second and
then relaxed. He put his arms around my shoulders and began to kiss me
back. I caressed his chest as my lips became more demanding. He really
got into it, and I began to let my hand wander lower on his body.
---
I parked my car in one of the visitor spots and turned off the engine.
As I approached Jacob's townhouse, he stepped out the front door and
closed it behind himself. We met each other on the sidewalk and we
exchanged a brief kiss. I stepped back a foot or two, running my hand
along his arm before dropping it to my side. "How was your day?"
"Good. I took the afternoon off, so it was quite nice. It gave me time to get ready for our date tonight."
I gave him a quizzical look. "That's a lot of time for a shower and shave."
"Yes, it is," he said, grinning impishly. He took my hand and started leading me back toward his home.
I grew more confused. "Aren't we going to dinner?"
"I have a surprise I want to show you first." He stopped as we reached
the bottom stair of his front stoop. He guided me to stand in front of
him then placed his hands over my eyes, blocking my vision.
"Jacob? What are you doing?"
"You'll see. There are three steps up, remember? Let's go."
I sighed. In the three weeks that we had been dating, I had learned it
was easier to humor him when he was feeling impish. I began to step
forward, and he kept close behind me, making sure my eyes remained
covered. I carefully dragged my foot along the front of each step, then
stepped up onto it. As I reached the top, I heard classical music -- I
suspected it was Mozart -- playing faintly. As we entered the house, I
got a sense of less light slipping through the spaces between his
fingers.
"Just a few more steps forward," he said. I obliged and heard him use
his foot to swing the door shut behind us. He dropped his hands and I
looked around, blinking.
The only light in the whole house came from about a dozen flames, most
of them coming from tea-lights carefully placed on various surfaces
throughout his living room. He pointed and I turned my eyes in the
direction of his gaze. A small circular coffee table sat just in front
of his couch, with two cushions on opposite sides. A square tablecloth
covered most of the table's surface. In the center stood a single red
column candle. A plate, wine glass and silverware had been set in front
of each cushion.
"This is amazing," I said.
"Hopefully, you feel the same way about my chicken cordon blue," he
said, as he stepped next to me and took my hand. "I wanted to do
something special for you today."
---
He sat on the couch and spread his legs. I sat between them and he
placed his hands on my shoulders and began to squeeze them. I allowed my
head to drop forward and he began to knead the muscles along my neck
and collarbone. I breathed deeply as the knots and pockets of tension
began to disappoint under his calloused and skillful hands.
I moaned as he worked his way from my neck and shoulders down along my
spine, pressing against each vertebra and the tissue surrounding it. As
he continued to work on my back, he leaned forward and kissed me on the
cheek. I turned my head so I could meet his lips with my own and we
exchanged a tender kiss.
---
I opened the bathroom door after my shower and immediately smelled
garlic. I breathed the aroma in deeply as I made my way to the kitchen.
Kevin was standing in front of the stove in his adorable pink plaid
apron. He was holding a small dish of chopped onions and was about to
dump its contents into the sauce pan in front him. I came up behind him
and slipped my arms around his waist. He turned his head just enough to
smile at me before upturning the container. The smell of the onions
joined that of the garlic as they too began to sauté. I glanced at the
counter to take stock of his prepared ingredients. I surmised he was
making our favorite marinara sauce. I nuzzled his neck with my nose and
continued to watch him work.
---
We handed our tickets to the employee collecting them, who then directed
us to the theater our movie would be shown in. We found a pair of seats
about three quarters of the way back in the stadium seating. Bill
motioned me to a seat one in from the end, and he took the seat nearest
the aisle. He placed his arm around my neck. And I repositioned myself
so that I hoped the gesture would be more comfortable.
We made more small talk until the previews started, which took about ten
minutes. Then we settled in to watch the screen. Bill would
occasionally rub his hand along my shoulder and collarbone, sending
little shivers through my body. I was still conflicted about just how
far I wanted things to go with him, especially tonight.
Fortunately, he didn't get any more affectionate or risque during the
ninety minute movie, and we both seemed to really get into the action
playing out on the screen before us. I only got jarred back to my
present circumstances during those moments where he'd move his hand an
inch or two back and forth. In many ways, it felt kind of good.....
---
I firmly believe you can learn a lot about a writer based on what he
writes. If you took the time to read the various bits and pieces of my
writing that I included in this ad, you should have a pretty good idea
of the kind of guy I am and the kinds of things that are important to
me. I'll tell you a bit more, though.
I'm a heavier guy who works in a rather geeky line of work. I love to
read. My two favorite genres are fantasy (which I also write) and
science fiction. I'm interested in politics, especially surrounding
social justice for LGBT people and women. I hope to eventually become
more of an advocate for racial equality and issues that
disproportionately affect racial minorities, but I have a lot more to
learn in that area.
I'm a romantic at heart. I don't need promises of eternal love from a
guy, but I have to have a sense that I'm special to a guy beyond simply
being a means for him to get his rocks off. I'm not looking to be
anyone's "dirty little secret" or "mistress on the side," so guys who
are totally in the closet (if you're not out at work for job security or
something like that, that's fine, I just want to be able to be seen in
public) and men who are married or otherwise partnered should move on.
If you're still with me and intrigued, drop me a line. If nothing else,
you can always ask for the link to my online writing portfolio. I'm
always welcoming of new readers. ;-)
Personally, I think that's one of the best ads I've ever written. I feel it says a lot about me and shows a side of myself that no 500-1000 character description ever will. In reality, I'll also note it's gotten a few great responses. A lot of guys are truly knocked off their feet by it. Unfortunately, none of them have panned out beyond a single meeting.
Of course, it doesn't help that 99% of the guys who surf Craigslist -- even the part I posted to, which clearly says "no hookups" -- are looking for fast sex. I had one guy who just wanted me to talk dirty/read my erotic writings to him. (What was really annoying about him is he made no effort to tell me a thing about himself so I could decide if I was interested, even after
I revealed so much about myself.)
Of course, then there was the guy who responded and wrote back what he wanted us to do together. That was cool, except that everything he described put him in a more submissive/passive role and me in a more dominant/active one. I'd think that even by the writing snippets I included above, it'd be obvious which role I'd want. So there's also just that sense that even after telling so much about myself, guys still seem to only think about what they're looking to get out of me without much thought to whether their mental arrangement will actually work for
me.
It's just frustrating.
