Memories of a cute theater boy

As I was looking over images on Google, I ran across the quote that I've included in this post.  It got me to thinking about how true it is.  Most specifically, it got me to thinking about just how life changing my crush on a certain theater guy changed my life.  I was a senior in college and trying to finish out my last semester while dealing with my feelings.   About a year and a half prior to that I had finally admitted that I was attracted to guys and that it was more than "just a phase."  However, I was still deeply entrenched in my conservative Christian upbringing and trying to go the ex-gay route.  (You know, pray hard enough and hope the whole mess goes away.)  I was struggling.

Volunteering to run a follow-spot during one of the school's productions did not help, as it introduced me to Barry (not his real name) and gave me way too much time to stare at his incredibly beautiful body.  Barry was a freshman, thin, and had a certain stage presence that I found absolutely alluring.  To make matters more troubling, Barry was also a central character in one of the song and dance numbers.  As such, for the duration of the number, Barry was to be in the spotlight.  Take a wild guess which follow spot operator got the task of keeping a beam on him?

As such, I spent every run-through of that number carefully watching every single move that Barry made with his lithe, adorable body.  It wasn't long before that initial attraction I had felt grew into a full-fledged crush.  By the time that the show was over, I was ready to declare my undying love for him.  Between my growing desire and my growing frustrations, I finally decided I couldn't keep denying how I felt or kidding myself into thinking I could pray away the gay.   And eventually, I did profess my undying love for Barry.

Well, I didn't really call it my undying love.  And I was really quite juvenile about it.  Because I couldn't get up the courage to tell him in person, I sent him an  email through the university system.  I told him that I was gay and that I was attracted to him.  It was both frightening and liberating.

I have to admit that Barry was a total angel about the whole thing.  He wrote me back and told me that while he was honored that I came out to him and trusted him enough to confess my feelings for him, he was heterosexual and couldn't return my feelings.  It was heart-breaking, yet reaffirming and comforting at all the same time.  I had come out and confessed my attractions to a guy and the world had not ended.  He had not spurned me as a human being.  In fact, he treated me with a great deal of respect.

It was at that moment that I realized I couldn't go back into the closet.  And while there were other contributing factors and things that took place at the same time, Barry played a huge role in that first, life changing step for me.