Tiring Weekend

I'm pretty tired right now.  Of course, it didn't help that I was slightly deprived of sleep on Saturday night.  I didn't leave Manly Bar until midnight, and then I went to a local diner to have a bit of food.  I didn't get home until after 1am and didn't crawl into bed until almost 2am.  Then Hellcat decided to wake me at around 7am, as she needed more food.   After all, she doesn't think she should have to change her schedule just because I decide to be a fool and stay out late.  I couldn't get back to sleep after that, so I was on the low end of my energy levels.  As such, I took it easy on Sunday.  Of course, I usually take it easy on Sundays. 

This year, I think I saw more of the Superbowl than I have in any previous year.  That's because I ended up going out to eat at a local restaurant with a bar that night.  The place was mostly empty except for the bar area, and they had the Superbowl on every television.  And while I spent most of my time staring at my laptop and working on my novel, I had to look up and take a break every now and then.  That meant staring in the general direction of the big television screen about twelve feet in front of me.  I was bound to see some football.  Not to mention commercials.  Heck, I even caught a few seconds of the halftime game.

From a writing perspective, it was a productive night.  I was able to get a lot of writing done, and the two Long Island ice teas I ordered certainly helped tear down any writer's block and silence the internal critic.  So that was good.

Last night, I had some business I had to take care of, so I spent most of the evening running around in my car.  That pretty much killed my plans to stay at home and try to get some extra rest.  Hopefully I'll find time to get some soon before I crash.  I just got healthy again and I'd like to stay that way.

Running with the (other?) bears

As I had planned to, I went to the local bear event at Manly bar Saturday night.  I had a pretty good time, though I felt awkward as I often do.  I only knew like two other people who were there, and I don't know them very well.  I did approach them and ask them about mutual friends and struck up a bit of small talk, but that was about it.  Then they pretty much went back to talking to other people.  That's probably why I was never very close to them.  They and I never really seem to click.

Imagine a bar full of guys like this.

I also had a bit of an oddity that I ran into a friend (or possibly former friend) of Rumor Queen while I was there.  She walked up to me and called me by name and I was a bit surprised at first.  She looked familiar, but I couldn't place how I'd know her.  Then she told me that she "was" (her use of "was" rather than "is" was what left me wondering if they had a falling out) a friend of Rumor Queen.  The conversation was brief, but quite pleasant.  She asked if I was having a good time and I said yes.  Then she continued on her way to the women's room.

The other curious point of the night was the fact that I almost got the impression that some guy spent a good portion of the night checking me out.  He was with a group of friends and I was standing about fifteen feet away, enjoying my first cocktail of the night.  (Well, not counting the two I had during happy hour much earlier in the evening.)  I looked back toward the group and noticed he seemed to be looking at me. The moment I looked, he'd look away.  He kept doing this for about fifteen or twenty minutes.  I wasn't sure if it was my imagination.  Alas, he never came over to say hi (or sent over one of his buddies to see if I'd be interested, if he's too shy to take the plunge himself).  And as I've mentioned before, I'm just ready to let the other guy make the first move right now.  It's a shame, as he was pretty cute.  I'm guessing he was between ten and fifteen years my junior.

Overall, it was okay.  I'm hoping more people that I know will be there next time.

Sensual Sunday: Meet Liam and Darrel

Totally not what Liam and Darrel look
like in my head.  But definitely sensual.

I've decided to try a new thing here on G(WT)P for Sundays.  I'm going to start a new series called Sensual Sunday (or perhaps it should be Smutty Sundays) in which I share a bit of my writing that's...of an intimate nature...

It occurred to me that I've talked a bit about my writing here, but I have never shared any of it.  I don't link to my writing portfolios here because they're under my real name and I want to maintain pseudo-anonymity.  I think that's a shame, because I think some of my readers might enjoy my writing.  (After all, one of my most viewed posts of all times is this one.)

So I've decided that on Sundays, I will post something that I wrote specifically for this site.  I haven't worked out the details.  I may (and I'm leaning toward this) continue the story that I'm starting with today's post about Liam and Darrel^[1].  I also haven't decided whether I'm going to keep it PG-13 or get all "classier version of Letters to Penthouse" on the series^[2].  But I figure no matter what, it should be an interesting series, or not.

So without any further ado, please enjoy today's installment of Sensual Sunday:

Liam sat next to Darrel on the futon in the other boy’s dorm room.  He was only half watching the movie that was playing on the fifteen inch television.  He really wasn’t into science fiction movies like Darrel was.  Besides, he was distracted by being so close to the other guy.  He could feel Darrel’s warmth against him.  Occasionally, one of them would shift and knees or thighs would brush against each other.  Liam would blush at the moment’s contact.

He turned to stare at the other boy, admiring his dark skin and youthful face.  Darrel kept his hair in a buzz cut, which Liam liked in contrast to his own brown curls.  He reached up and ran his thumb along Darrel’s cheek, noting that the other boy must not have shaved this morning as he felt the slightest hint of stubble.  Darrel turned his head slightly to look at Liam, amusement showing in his eyes.  Liam dropped his hand as blood flooded his cheeks.

Darrel’s smile broadened slightly before he leaned his head toward Liam.  Their lips met and Darrel rewarded Liam with a tender yet firm kiss.  Liam brought both hands to the other boy’s face this time, enjoying the feel of Darrel’s skin on his palms and fingers.  He felt his pulse quicken slightly.

Darrel broke off the kiss and nodded toward the television.  Liam nodded and tried to focus on the action on the screen.  He sighed softly as the other boy rested a hand on his thigh, the fingers wrapping around to the inner thigh.  He rested his head on Darrel’s shoulders, trying to enjoy the movie as much as he enjoyed the physical contact.

---

^[1]You can tell Liam and Darrel are fictional characters because they don't have code names.

^[2]Hint:  Now would be a good time to speak up if you have a preference, dear readers.

Gotta Get Out

Well, if I still needed a sign that my health really was improving, I got it last night.  At around 9pm, I was going stir crazy.  I was tired of sitting at home by myself and chatting online.  I wanted to get out and hang out with other people.  I wanted to mingle.  I wanted to flirt.  And getting lucky wouldn't have hurt my feelings, either^[1].

In the long run, I decided to stay home, though.  I'm planning to go out to Manly Bar tonight for the bear event they have planned.  Since going out two nights in the same weekend totally drains me and I'm already just starting to get back to feeling like I have energy, I chose to do the responsible, self-care oriented thing instead.

TMI Time!  B!  Definitely B!

I've started going to Manly Bar a bit more.  As much as I like Home Bar -- and I do try to go there from time to time to see some of my favorite bartenders and other friends I have there -- the crowd at Manly Bar is somewhat more my style.  Plus, as they tend to attract younger crowd, Home Bar tends to be filled with all kinds of drama and other immaturity.  I might actually be one of the younger guys^[2] at Manly Bar, in comparison.

Also, Management and his partner got out of the restaurant business, which is quite sad.  That means that the upstairs dining room is no longer open at Home Bar. The kitchen is still open and serves bar food downstairs.  But bar food is just bar food, so it doesn't have quite the same draw.  Plus it means I can no longer go in for a weekend dinner and sit at a quiet table and work on my writing.  Though I have worked on my writing during happy hour on weekdays at the bar before.  I may still do that.

At any rate, it means that I'm re-evaluating just how much time I spend at Home Bar and whether I might be better served by finding a new "regular" hang-out spot.  I may think about trying a coffee shop again.  It would certainly be good from a writing standpoint, but I don't do well at meeting new people at coffee shops.

---

^[1]Hey, I'm a guy with needs.  And I haven't done anything since Christmas day, and that time wasn't entirely satisfying for me, either.

^[2]Some day, I may do a whiny post about the conflict between being attracted to younger guys and the frustration I feel with younger guys' antics.  The dynamic is really quite messed up.

Friday Thoughts: Intimacy and Vulnerability

In order for there to be true intimacy, there must be true vulnerability.  That's why intimacy is both one of the most powerful experiences and one of the most frightening prospects.

Memories of a cute theater boy

As I was looking over images on Google, I ran across the quote that I've included in this post.  It got me to thinking about how true it is.  Most specifically, it got me to thinking about just how life changing my crush on a certain theater guy changed my life.  I was a senior in college and trying to finish out my last semester while dealing with my feelings.   About a year and a half prior to that I had finally admitted that I was attracted to guys and that it was more than "just a phase."  However, I was still deeply entrenched in my conservative Christian upbringing and trying to go the ex-gay route.  (You know, pray hard enough and hope the whole mess goes away.)  I was struggling.

Volunteering to run a follow-spot during one of the school's productions did not help, as it introduced me to Barry (not his real name) and gave me way too much time to stare at his incredibly beautiful body.  Barry was a freshman, thin, and had a certain stage presence that I found absolutely alluring.  To make matters more troubling, Barry was also a central character in one of the song and dance numbers.  As such, for the duration of the number, Barry was to be in the spotlight.  Take a wild guess which follow spot operator got the task of keeping a beam on him?

As such, I spent every run-through of that number carefully watching every single move that Barry made with his lithe, adorable body.  It wasn't long before that initial attraction I had felt grew into a full-fledged crush.  By the time that the show was over, I was ready to declare my undying love for him.  Between my growing desire and my growing frustrations, I finally decided I couldn't keep denying how I felt or kidding myself into thinking I could pray away the gay.   And eventually, I did profess my undying love for Barry.

Well, I didn't really call it my undying love.  And I was really quite juvenile about it.  Because I couldn't get up the courage to tell him in person, I sent him an  email through the university system.  I told him that I was gay and that I was attracted to him.  It was both frightening and liberating.

I have to admit that Barry was a total angel about the whole thing.  He wrote me back and told me that while he was honored that I came out to him and trusted him enough to confess my feelings for him, he was heterosexual and couldn't return my feelings.  It was heart-breaking, yet reaffirming and comforting at all the same time.  I had come out and confessed my attractions to a guy and the world had not ended.  He had not spurned me as a human being.  In fact, he treated me with a great deal of respect.

It was at that moment that I realized I couldn't go back into the closet.  And while there were other contributing factors and things that took place at the same time, Barry played a huge role in that first, life changing step for me.

Get Personal With Me: Creative Expression

Creativity is an essential and ever-present part of the human experience.  How do you express yourself creatively?

When writing projects get away from you.

I don't know if other writers have this problem or not, but every now and then, I start working on a story that just takes on a life of its own and gets away on me.  Most recently, this happened a couple of weeks ago.  I decided to work on another erotic story.  I figured I'd write a story about a guy meeting up with someone for his first time experience.  I meant for it to be a quick and dirty story that I could do in an hour or two and then post online.

That was two weeks and one thousand words ago.  The story's not done.  Something about the set-up, the characters, and everything else really spoke to me.  Suddenly, I found myself caring about it beyond the "throw-away" piece I intended it to be.  I want to make it a somewhat well-crafted (I probably won't polish it, though) story.

I've noticed the same thing about some of the "Writing Quickies" -- what I call the two hundred or so word quick scene I try to do every day -- that I crank out.  I find myself looking at them and thinking, "You know, this would really make a great story if I took the time to expand on it and fill in the gaps."  Which I suppose is the point of these exercises:  To improve my skills and get the creative juices flowing.

Getting Better

There have been a lot of contributing factors to my silence the past few months and I'm not going to go into all of them.  Suffice it to say that things have happened that made this blog a very low priority for me.  I'm hoping that will change now and that I can get back to posting here more regularly.

Not good guests.

Of course, it does help that I'm feeling better.  I will say that one thing that has kept me from posting here the past couple weeks -- or doing just about anything else -- is a nasty infection that caused me all kinds of problems.  I'm not sure what exactly happened.  I suspect that I scratched my skin and dug just enough that something nasty was able to take root and cause a few problems.  By a "few problems," I mean that I was not able to sit, walk, or lay on my side without major discomfort and even some pretty serious pain at times.  I have friends that suffer from chronic pain for various reasons.  I won't claim that the pain I experienced was anywhere near the level of what they deal with on a regular basis, but I will say that my empathy for their problems was greatly increased due to this experience.

I will say that when you can barely do anything rather than just lay there (on your back), you don't feel like blogging.  Or writing.  Or cleaning.  Or doing just about anything else.  And that's basically what my life was like.

The good news is that the big bad owie is gone, so I can get back to all of those things.  This weekend, I spent some time doing some major cleaning, including making it so the one bathroom is no longer a bio-hazard in the making.  Now I just have to do the other bathroom.

I've also gotten back into my writing.  I worked on my novel.  So now I hope to get back to getting way too personal here.

In other news, Rumor Queen re-friended me on Facebook today.  I'll be interested to see how long before I see too much drama and un-friend him again.

My problem with dating sites and personal ad response frustrations

A while back, I realized that I really don't like online dating sites.  It's not that I am opposed to them in theory.  I'm all for meeting new people however one can meet new people.  No, my problem is more personal and practical.

I don't feel that dating profiles really do me justice.  I'm the kind of guy that grows on people through actual interactions.  When we spend time together and I cause him to laugh every five minutes over some bit of silliness or a touch of whit borne of a non-typical perspective, I go from being just some guy in his mind to being incredibly alluring, charming, and downright attractive.

Those are the kinds of things that I find almost impossible to capture in a simple online dating profile.  Unless I ramble on, which is something most online dating sites won't let you do.  They have character limits, and they are way too low in my experience.

One thing I tried doing on Craigslist -- which doesn't have character limits -- was to create an ad in which I included some snippets of my writings -- something I also think tends to set me apart and (hopefully) makes me more attractive -- that oriented toward romance and intimacy.  Here's what I ended up posting:

Sensual and Romantic, Looking to Connect

I decided it was now or never. I stepped closer to him and kissed him on the lips. It was a soft, gentle kiss. He tensed for just a second and then relaxed. He put his arms around my shoulders and began to kiss me back. I caressed his chest as my lips became more demanding. He really got into it, and I began to let my hand wander lower on his body.

---

I parked my car in one of the visitor spots and turned off the engine. As I approached Jacob's townhouse, he stepped out the front door and closed it behind himself. We met each other on the sidewalk and we exchanged a brief kiss. I stepped back a foot or two, running my hand along his arm before dropping it to my side. "How was your day?"

"Good. I took the afternoon off, so it was quite nice. It gave me time to get ready for our date tonight."

I gave him a quizzical look. "That's a lot of time for a shower and shave."

"Yes, it is," he said, grinning impishly. He took my hand and started leading me back toward his home.

I grew more confused. "Aren't we going to dinner?"

"I have a surprise I want to show you first." He stopped as we reached the bottom stair of his front stoop. He guided me to stand in front of him then placed his hands over my eyes, blocking my vision.

"Jacob? What are you doing?"

"You'll see. There are three steps up, remember? Let's go."

I sighed. In the three weeks that we had been dating, I had learned it was easier to humor him when he was feeling impish. I began to step forward, and he kept close behind me, making sure my eyes remained covered. I carefully dragged my foot along the front of each step, then stepped up onto it. As I reached the top, I heard classical music -- I suspected it was Mozart -- playing faintly. As we entered the house, I got a sense of less light slipping through the spaces between his fingers.

"Just a few more steps forward," he said. I obliged and heard him use his foot to swing the door shut behind us. He dropped his hands and I looked around, blinking.

The only light in the whole house came from about a dozen flames, most of them coming from tea-lights carefully placed on various surfaces throughout his living room. He pointed and I turned my eyes in the direction of his gaze. A small circular coffee table sat just in front of his couch, with two cushions on opposite sides. A square tablecloth covered most of the table's surface. In the center stood a single red column candle. A plate, wine glass and silverware had been set in front of each cushion.

"This is amazing," I said.

"Hopefully, you feel the same way about my chicken cordon blue," he said, as he stepped next to me and took my hand. "I wanted to do something special for you today."

---

He sat on the couch and spread his legs. I sat between them and he placed his hands on my shoulders and began to squeeze them. I allowed my head to drop forward and he began to knead the muscles along my neck and collarbone. I breathed deeply as the knots and pockets of tension began to disappoint under his calloused and skillful hands.

I moaned as he worked his way from my neck and shoulders down along my spine, pressing against each vertebra and the tissue surrounding it. As he continued to work on my back, he leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. I turned my head so I could meet his lips with my own and we exchanged a tender kiss.

---

I opened the bathroom door after my shower and immediately smelled garlic. I breathed the aroma in deeply as I made my way to the kitchen. Kevin was standing in front of the stove in his adorable pink plaid apron. He was holding a small dish of chopped onions and was about to dump its contents into the sauce pan in front him. I came up behind him and slipped my arms around his waist. He turned his head just enough to smile at me before upturning the container. The smell of the onions joined that of the garlic as they too began to sauté. I glanced at the counter to take stock of his prepared ingredients. I surmised he was making our favorite marinara sauce. I nuzzled his neck with my nose and continued to watch him work.

---

We handed our tickets to the employee collecting them, who then directed us to the theater our movie would be shown in. We found a pair of seats about three quarters of the way back in the stadium seating. Bill motioned me to a seat one in from the end, and he took the seat nearest the aisle. He placed his arm around my neck. And I repositioned myself so that I hoped the gesture would be more comfortable.

We made more small talk until the previews started, which took about ten minutes. Then we settled in to watch the screen. Bill would occasionally rub his hand along my shoulder and collarbone, sending little shivers through my body. I was still conflicted about just how far I wanted things to go with him, especially tonight.

Fortunately, he didn't get any more affectionate or risque during the ninety minute movie, and we both seemed to really get into the action playing out on the screen before us. I only got jarred back to my present circumstances during those moments where he'd move his hand an inch or two back and forth. In many ways, it felt kind of good.....

---

I firmly believe you can learn a lot about a writer based on what he writes. If you took the time to read the various bits and pieces of my writing that I included in this ad, you should have a pretty good idea of the kind of guy I am and the kinds of things that are important to me. I'll tell you a bit more, though.

I'm a heavier guy who works in a rather geeky line of work. I love to read. My two favorite genres are fantasy (which I also write) and science fiction. I'm interested in politics, especially surrounding social justice for LGBT people and women. I hope to eventually become more of an advocate for racial equality and issues that disproportionately affect racial minorities, but I have a lot more to learn in that area.

I'm a romantic at heart. I don't need promises of eternal love from a guy, but I have to have a sense that I'm special to a guy beyond simply being a means for him to get his rocks off. I'm not looking to be anyone's "dirty little secret" or "mistress on the side," so guys who are totally in the closet (if you're not out at work for job security or something like that, that's fine, I just want to be able to be seen in public) and men who are married or otherwise partnered should move on.

If you're still with me and intrigued, drop me a line. If nothing else, you can always ask for the link to my online writing portfolio. I'm always welcoming of new readers. ;-)

Personally, I think that's one of the best ads I've ever written.  I feel it says a lot about me and shows a side of myself that no 500-1000 character description ever will.  In reality, I'll also note it's gotten a few great responses.  A lot of guys are truly knocked off their feet by it.  Unfortunately, none of them have panned out beyond a single meeting.

Of course, it doesn't help that 99% of the guys who surf Craigslist -- even the part I posted to, which clearly says "no hookups" -- are looking for fast sex.  I had one guy who just wanted me to talk dirty/read my erotic writings to him.  (What was really annoying about him is he made no effort to tell me a thing about himself so I could decide if I was interested, even after I revealed so much about myself.)

Of course, then there was the guy who responded and wrote back what he wanted us to do together.  That was cool, except that everything he described put him in a more submissive/passive role and me in a more dominant/active one.  I'd think that even by the writing snippets I included above, it'd be obvious which role I'd want.  So there's also just that sense that even after telling so much about myself, guys still seem to only think about what they're looking to get out of me without much thought to whether their mental arrangement will actually work for me.

It's just frustrating.