I could, but I won't.

Every now and then, I like to check out the trending hashtags on Twitter and see if I want to participate in them.  I figure it's a way to meet new people, possibly get new followers on Twitter, and even get readers on the blog.  Plus it can be fun.

Hey, I might go down
the wrong path, but at least
it'll be the path I picked.

The other day, I ran across the then-trending hashtag #ICantDateYou.  It seemed like a fun hashtag at first glance, and there were both silly contributions and more serious ones.  So I sat down and tried to think of what contributions that I might offer that were silly, witty, insightful, or some combination thereof.  But I started running into a problem in my mind.  I had a problem with the hashtag and its implications.  So finally, I offered my only contribution:

#ICantDateYou because...oh let's be more honest than that.  I CAN.  I just WON'T.  #OwningMyChoices

To some, that may seem like a nitpicky semantic difference.  To me, however, that difference means the difference between feeling like a passive observer in my own life and a decisive actor who steers my own course.

Truth be told, I can date a guy who isn't over his ex.  I can date a guy who doesn't like to kiss.  I can date a guy who will do anything to stay in the closet, even if it means acting in ways that are to my detriment.

I just don't want to.

And to be honest, I want that to be very clear to each and every one of those guys.  I don't want them to think that I really wan to be with them and I just need them to change something to accommodate me.  That sort of phrasing puts me at their mercy, and I don't want that either.  I don't want to be their helpless pawn who needs them to change.

And I make that clear by saying, "I don't want this."  It makes it clear that I know what I can do, but more importantly, I know what I will do.  It says that I am not only prepared to walk away from their nonsense, their baggage, and their choices that hurt and disrespect me, but I will do so with my head held high.

There is power in owning my choices.  There is power in saying, "Yeah, I could do that, but there's no way in hell I'm going to.  I value myself too much for that."

Courage

In my last post, I mentioned living courageously.  Whenever I think of courage, I think of a certain quote.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

I first heard that quote as part of the movie "The Princess Diaries" and only found out later that it's a real quote attributed to the otherwise obscure novelist, Ambrose Redmoon.  The moment I heard it, though, I fell in love with the quote, as have many people.  I think it's popular because it let's us know that the fact that we are afraid does not automatically disqualify us from being courageous.  (Indeed, that notion was even the central theme of a relatively recent and popular movie.)

It's a great relief to know that it's okay if I'm afraid.  I don't have to be some stalwart Spartan who knows only the thrill of battle.  I can quake in my boots instead.  All that is required of me is that I grit my teeth, and do what I believe needs to be done, what I believe will be in my best interests, despite the fact that I might need a paper bag to hyperventilate into and a change of pants afterward.  The fact that I did it at all means that I am courageous.

I can feel like this guy
and still act courageously.

Am I nervous about going to the bar on a busy night where I don't know anyone?  That's okay.  I'm allowed to be afraid.  But if I'm serious about meeting other people, I'd be wise -- and courageous -- to do it anyway.  That is more important than my fear and hiding from it.  Am I afraid of rejection?  Absolutely!  And that's okay.  But I don't want to be alone and isolated, so mustering up my courage and reaching out to others, making myself vulnerable, is more important than hiding from that fear.

Truth be told, life is all about risks, and risks are scary.  I think that a person would have to be inhuman in order to be totally unafraid.  But fortunately, we don't have to be ruled by our fear.  We can say, "fears be damned, I'm going to do it anyway and deal with whatever comes, including my fears."

Thank the gods for true courage.  Not the fake "nothing scares me" courage, but authentic "I'm scared shitless, but I'm going to take the plunge anyway" courage.

Bi guys are cool

After writing about my first lover last night and reading this post by JF today, I've been thinking a bit about the topic of bisexuality.  I'm one of those (seemingly rare) gay men that have no problems believing that some guys are honestly attracted to both men and women.  I don't think that all guys who claim to be bisexual are "unwilling to come out all the way," "sitting on the fence," or some other nonsense.  Sure, I'm 100% gay and the thought of becoming physically or sexually intimate with a woman leaves me feeling cold and a little weirded out, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that every guy -- or even every non-heterosexual guy -- is just like me.  People are diverse in a lot of ways, and in that way, bisexuality makes a lot of sense to me.

I also have no problems dating a bisexual guy, which is a good thing, considering that three out of the five guys I've officially dated (we won't talk about the one-nighters and the hot messes that never quite got to the state of actually dating) were bi.  I've found that by and large, bi guys are much like gay guys.  They're either into you or they're not.  Who else they are into really isn't an issue.  Yes, I prefer monogamy and I make that up front.  But let's be honest, bisexual guys don't have a monopoly on non-monogamy.  Plenty of gay guys like to have multiple partners and relationships.  And I wish those gay guys -- and like minded bisexual guys, for that matter -- the best in pursuing what makes them happy.  But we're looking for different things and I hope they can respect that.

The other issue I hear many gay guys express is concern -- and honestly, I think there's sometimes a certain amount of resentment behind it -- that a bisexual guy will decide to abandon a guy when the going gets tough and get involved with a woman so they can blend in.  I don't think that's giving bisexual guys enough credit, personally.  I'd like to think that if a bisexual guy gets to know me and has feelings for me, he'll decide that I'm worth the troubles that come with sticking in a relationship with me.  To automatically assume he would do otherwise would involve me making judgments abut his character based on nothing but my personal prejudices.

The thing is, what those gay guys fear is not the guy's bisexuality, but the fear that he's still in the closet.  Having dated a few closet cases^[1] (and yes, two of them were bi), I can certainly understand the feeling to a degree.  After all, it's hard to build a relationship with someone who's unwilling to be seen with you or claim his love for you.

 But again, this is a problem that is neither exclusive to nor universal to bisexual guys.  I've known brave bi guys who were ready to face whatever comes for a guy he loves and believes in.  I've met gay guys who were total closet cases.  It's not a sexual orientation thing.  It's a failure to live courageously thing.

To be honest, I think a lot of gay guys who assume bi guys will turn tail and head for the closet and a woman at the first sign of trouble are engaging in a bit of projection.  I suspect that they assume this because there's a part of them that knows that if they had that option and could make it work, that's what they would do.  Like I said, I think there's a bit of resentment going on, because those guy guys know they don't have that option, but someone else might.

So yeah, bi or gay, I love all guys and give them all a chance.  If a guy is attractive, interested, able to commit,^[2] and willing to take a chance on me, that's good enough for me.

---

^[1]Let me be clear here.  Not every guy in the closet is a closet case.  There are guys who are in the closet for very good reason.  A younger guy who decides not to come out of the closet to his parents until he no longer needs their financial support is making a smart decision.  A guy who tends to not talk about his life love and/or change pronouns when talking about his partner at work so a homophobic boss doesn't fire him or make his work environment miserable.

Closet cases are those guys who are so deep in the closet and so paranoid that their cover will be blown that their behavior begins to negatively impact others in their lives.  The financially independent guy who still refuses to spend holidays with his boyfriend of five years because family doesn't know is a closet case.  The guy who pulls away from any sort of physical affection despite the fact that he's surrounded by total strangers "just in case someone he knows sees him" is a closet case.

^[2]When the time comes.  I don't expect to discuss China patterns until at least the tenth date.^[3]  ;)

^[3]And I don't count the number of dates, either.

Remembering my first time

Warning:  Frank sex talk ahead.

I'm not sure how my mind got here, but I'm thinking back to my first boyfriend, who also happened to be the first guy I had sex with.  (Well, besides a high school friend who I used to engage in mutual masturbation with.)  For the purposes of this post, I will refer to him as Satyr Boi.  I don't plan on adding his code name to the score card, as I only really plan on talking about him this one time.  After all, he has been out of my life for close to fifteen years.  But you know what they say, you never completely forget your first guy.

Believe it or not, that's about what
Satyr Boi's body hair looked like.

By the time we actually had sex, I had known Satyr Boi for about seven months.  We had met online and then officially met at a get-together of online chats before we became sexually intimate.  Originally, we had planned on having sex at that get-together (it was a weekend affair), but he was still very new to the whole bisexual thing and he backed out.  But we still talked regularly and even spent a week together a month before the "big event."  Then we made plans to get together for a few days.  He didn't have a car at the time, so I arranged to meet him about three hours from my home (he lived in another state) and pick him up for those few days.

I remember that we were still about an hour from my home when he announced that he had decided he was ready to have sex with me.  Let me tell you, that made the rest of the drive tense for me.  The anticipation practically killed me, and we even talked about whether pulling over someplace and finding a secluded spot for a quickie -- or at least a fast blowjob -- was a good idea.  In the end, we waited.

We spent much of those three days talking, watching movies, and fooling around.  And while I cherish those moments, I will admit that the sex wasn't the greatest.  We were both so inexperienced that we had problems, including the fact that he kept slipping out whenever he tried to penetrate me.  This meant that we spent most of our time engaging in oral sex, which was pleasant and I felt I did a good job.  But he was still suffering from some personal hang-ups, which meant he never got off.  While I understood, I took that as a personal blow to my ego.  (I suppose that's why I take such pride whenever I get compliments on my oral skills today.)

But despite that, I have to say that it was a wonderful few days.  Sure, the sex felt incomplete and was full of problems, but just being able to spend time with another guy with such naked (pun not intended, but if the condom fits...) intimacy was truly powerful.  I would say that Satyr Boi was the first guy I ever truly loved in addition to being the first guy I ever became sexually intimate with.

It's no wonder that I became clingy.  While Satyr Boi was dealing with his self-acceptance issues, I was dealing with my own demons of fearing losing someone, of being alone, and of being isolated.  So I found myself clinging to him more tightly, wanting to hold on to that experience and making more such experiences with him in the future.

In the end, we never saw each other after that three day rendezvous.  Our individual issues created a huge mess between us which tore us apart.  Indeed, other than a brief and heated conversation with him a year later, I never really talked to Satyr Boi again.  I don't know what happened to him. For all I know, he may be happily married to a woman now.  Or he may have worked through his own problems and is now in a relationship with some great guy.  Who knows.  Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I hope he's healthy and happy.

I will always cherish my memories of him and our (sub-par) sexual experiences together.

Powerful Story

Joan Garrett shares the story of former minister Matt Nevels and how learning that his son, Stephen, was gay and dying of AIDS changed his life.  The whole article is moving and powerful.  I want to draw particularly attention to Matt's former church's response when Stephen came to live with his parents while he waited for the end:

Cards arrived, with reassurances about resting in God's will. But few hinted at the gay issue. Dr. Steelman sent three notes that Frances kept in a box with all the other condolences, but he didn't visit them or come talk to Stephen.

One of Dr. Steelman's cards read: "Someone mentioned to me yesterday that Steve's condition has declined rapidly. ... We are praying for both of you that God will grant you the needed strength to deal with your tragedy."

At the time, Stephen asked his father why no one from the church leadership visited. Matt didn't know what to say. He figured some people were afraid of touching his son. Maybe they were afraid any kindness could be translated as acceptance.

Actually, these church people should
not be called goats.  This guy is much
cuter than their awful behavior.

Many of us who have come out have felt the rejection of our former church families.  Those who would congratulate themselves for refraining from open condemnation would do to remember that simple silent distancing can be just as hurtful and destructive to someone who once believed you value them.

As for a church full of people who could not bring themselves to visit one who was sick and in misery and most certainly needed their love and support, allow me offer another quote, one that should be shamefully familiar to these church-goers:

Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, "Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not."

Then shall they also answer him, saying, "Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?"

Then shall he answer them, saying, "Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal."

Let's Move Beyond The Gay Movie Ghetto

Today, I ended up reading a couple blog posts by Max (whose blog I just found and already adore) in which he talks about introducing the guy in his life to various gay-themed movies.  I threw out a few other titles that Max didn't mention of movies that I thought were well worth introducing Brandon to.  As is often the case, this got me in the mood to watch a few of my favorite movies in the genre, myself.  As such, I powered up the Wii, logged into Netflix, and started doing a search of some of my favorite titles.

Alas, Netflix doesn't stream the movie I really wanted to see, "The Broken Hearts Club," so I ended up settling for the first and second movies in the "Eating Out" series.  I suppose that's just as well.  I was tired and far more willing to let myself fall asleep during those movies than I might have been if I had been able to go with my first choice.  And since I adore that entire series, I was perfectly happy to watch (or doze off through) those movies.

There's no rule that says these two
can't be gay lovers who unleash
the next mummy's curse.

But as I got thinking about gay-themed movies, I got thinking about how they're all so much alike in a sense.  From where I sit, I can count the twenty one movies in the genre that are sitting together on a shelf -- and as I can immediately think of other titles that are not among that group, I know I have even more such movies than that -- it occurs that every last one of them (okay, "Jeffrey" is slightly different, given how much it focuses on the issue of dating in a world where HIV exists) is a story centered on somebody coming to terms with their sexual orientation, two people (usually men, though I do have a couple titles that are about lesbians) try to find love together (and because "Jeffrey" still fits this pattern, I only give it partial credit for being "slightly different"), or both.  It occurs to me that in many ways, Hollywood -- even the smaller movie studios that focus on "gay themed" movies -- are failing us by keeping us locked in a certain type of movie.

I want a different kind of gay movie.  I want a movie where a hero happens to be gay, but whose heroism is defined by something other than his (or her) sexual orientation.  I want a movie about Wyoming Smith, who faces the same kind of perilous traps and adrenaline-inducing fights and escapes that Indiana Jones faced, but rather than drawing beautiful woman closer in triumph, runs a hand along the well-muscled arm of his local guide and companion, says, "I couldn't have made it through without you," and gives him a passionate kiss.  I want a comedy where zany things happen to Tim at the office, and he comes home to tell his husband Bruce about it.

You see, heterosexual protagonists get to do all kinds of things in their movies.  They get to be adventurers.  They get to be down on their luck and trying to make a comeback.  They get to discover the massive conspiracy which forces them to run for their lives until they decide to fight back.  And they get to have all this while kissing women (or men, in the case of the rare female protagonist) or have a thirty second scene of steamy sensual foreplay (and presumably sex, though I'm usually spared actually seeing that part) as a brief interlude before the driving action of the main plot resumes.

I want that for gay protagonists.  I love my protagonists who spend entire movies building romances and/or coming to terms with their sexuality.  But I think it's time that Hollywood enables those protagonists to branch out and become romantically and sexually active gay protagonists that also do other amazing and story-worthy things.

The journey to belonging

Last night, I went to Home Bar to enjoy a bit of the show upstairs, talk with Management, and go for a walk.  (I love walking through the part of town that Home Bar is situated in.)  After exchanging pleasantries with Management -- who was outside selling hotdogs, hamburgers, and other grilled food items -- I wandered over to the entrance and walked through the first floor to make my way upstairs for the show.

I might become a social butterfly yet!

As I meandered through the karaoke crowd toward the stairs, I found myself nodding to or even stopping briefly to say hello to a number of people:  Fellow Geek, Sassy Waiter, one of Sweet Cynic's former love/sex (it's never clear which he's actually looking for, and I doubt even he knows) interests, and even Rumor Queen.  By the time, the realization hit me:  I can't make my way through this place anymore without running into someone I know.

I'm not really sure when that happened.  I can still vaguely remember the old days -- back before I met Rumor Queen and even while he and I were dating -- when I hardly knew anyone.  Going to Home Bar was an uncomfortable experience for me, because I felt like a lone traveler surrounded by strangers, with no sense of how to say hello or establish friendships with any of the people around me, people who all seemed far more connected.  People who seemed to all know each other and didn't really need some stranger trying to force his way into their social circles.

It made the thought of going out to such a place seem terrifyingly daunting.  It's one of the reasons I was thankful when Rumor Queen and I started dating.  He seemed to be part of that world, and I hoped that sticking with him would provide me with a ticket to becoming part of the crowd, someone truly integrated and welcome rather than a stranger wandering through while remaining an outsider.

Rumor Queen never did provide me a pathway to change that, at least not the way I expected him to.  To be honest, he was the kind to run off and chat with all his friends he already had established history with me and then come back to me when he was tired.  The only way in which he socially helped me -- and I am thankful to him for that, though he may have come to regret it -- is that he provided me with my first introduction to Management and Sweet Waiter.  Through them, I met Sassy Waiter and the rest of the Home Bar staff.  That encouraged me to keep coming back, which allowed me to reconnect with Fellow Geek, who I already knew from other venues.  From there, I just started to meet people.  People even started saying hello to me.

I don't really have a "crowd" or group of friends I hang with when I go to Home Bar.  I'm still very much a lone traveler a lot of the time I'm there.  And yet, I'm a lone traveler who knows people, who is known and recognized by those others, and feels like I'm part of the greater whole.  And it's built a great sense of confidence for me.

As I walked up the stairs to wait for the first show of the night to smile, I smiled at how Home Bar has earned its name in my heart and how that journey has changed me for the better.

Moderation? What's that?

This week was a relatively quiet week.  Three out of the five weekdays, I came home after work and took a nap.  I guess I'm still tired from whatever I did to myself last weekend.  That or else I'm tired from the previous week, which was a constant run-fest for me.

Granted, I like getting out and having fun.  I'm glad I'm doing it more, because it's something I need to do.  I think I just need to find balance.  After all, I seem to have this pattern going:

1.  Realize I'm not doing anything but staying home.  Get sad.
2.  Decide to do something about it.  Start going out a lot.
3.  Tire myself out and either get sick or come to the hairy edge of doing so.
4.  Decide to stay in to get rested back up.  Find myself so tired that I stay in all the time until it becomes my normal pattern again.
5.  Restart the cycle at step 1.

If only one of these could help me
balance my various needs.

What can I say?  Colorful is a creature of extremes.  I'm endeavoring to change that, though.  So I'm trying to go out some nights and stay in other nights in the same week.  I know, this is probably a no-brainer for most people.  But like I said, I tend to go to extremes.  Moderation is a virtue I need to develop.  (That and patience, but I'm going to make that virtue wait!)  So this does involve some learning and practice on my part.

That's why I ended up deciding to stay in last night.  Originally, I was going to go to Home Bar at least to say hello to Management and the others.  But I just decided that I can and will see them tonight.  We can wait that long.  Especially since I stopped in there for dinner on Thursday.

Sweet Cynic was a bit disappointed, as we tentatively planned to go there together last night.  But to be honest, the thought of taking Sweet Cynic with me made the prospect of going out even less desirable.  In addition to the fact that it's hard to be around him when he's drinking, there's the fact that I can't come and go as I please when he's with me.  I've had more than one occasion where I've told him I was ready to go and he kept doing the "one more drink/one more minute/one more whatever" thing until I finally blew up and told him I was leaving immediately and that unless he wanted to find another way home, he better get in the car.

And that's not the kind of person you want to be around when you're trying to develop a sense of balance between going out and having a good time and getting the rest and quiet time your mind and body need.

Fire and Ice gets steamy?

Fellow Geek and I got talking about animated films and particularly Japanese anime while at Home Bar Sunday night.  He mentioned a film from 1983 that I had never seen before, "Fire and Ice."  So last night, I decided to find it on Netflix.  It turns out that Netflix has the movie available for streaming, so I sat down and watched it.

I enjoyed it and thought it was a fairly good film.  The plot wasn't terribly complex and the characters were underdeveloped, but given the fact that I felt the movie was trying to go for that fairy tale adventure style, those are understandable failings, to the point of not really being failings.

What surprised me, however, was what I felt were some pretty strong homoerotic undertones.  I don't know if that was intentional or merely my own warped imagination.  So I went on YouTube, found the whole movie in a single video, and decided I'd share it with my readers to see what all of you think.

Here are some of the things that jumped out at me:

At 8:00:  Larn is laying on the ground, surrounded by subhumans.  The camera shows an up-close and personal shot of his crotch and then very slowly pans up his body to his face where he opens his eyes.  Total eye-candy moment.

At 10:00: As Larn tries to climb the tree, the dying subhuman rushes up to him and does a full-on caress of his lower back and ass.  All shown close up and personal so you get to see as the hand rubs against that firm globe of man-flesh.  Yeah, I know the rationalization is that the subhuman is still trying to catch Larn in his dying throes, but come on!

At 51:00:  Juliana presents Teegra to Nekron, stating that she intends for the captured woman to be her son's mate.  Nekron spurns the captive and throws a downright hissy, insisting he has no need for a mate or heirs.  This isn't erotic, mind you.  But if the writers and directors didn't expect me to see Nekron as a major queen at this point, I don't know what they were thinking.

At 58:27:  The big battle between Nekron and Larn starts about here.  Granted, Nekron first has to paralyze Larn and have his subhumans bring the intruder over to him.  Quite frankly, with that "You interest me" line, I would not have been surprised if the swords they dueled with were made of something a bit softer than iron (though I'm sure they would've been steel-hard).  And the whole battle just strikes me as sensual and intended to be more like foreplay than an actual battle to the death.  Maybe a battle to see who gets to top.  (Though, honestly, I suspect Nekron would secretly throw that fight.)

Beyond those specific points, I just find the whole idea of a movie where a bunch of lithe, nearly-naked men run around in a manner I find somewhat sensual to be somewhat less than innocent.  I mean, sure, Teegra was half-naked the entire film too, and they certainly showed enough booty-shots of her too.  But the whole movie struck me as an opportunity for a gay boy to have a huge drool fest.

Plus the other thing that I'll note is that most of the men in this movie -- including Larn -- did not fit the more stereotypical "manly man" pattern of such movies.  They weren't overly muscled mountains that moved like lesser beings better dive for cover.  They were lithe and moved with a certain animalistic quality to them.  I suppose the style of movement was intentional, since the story is supposed to take place after the last ice age.

Alas, if only Nekron had sent the defeated Larn to his personal chambers instead of the dungeon.

The problem with problem solving

It's been a while.  I had a fun but somewhat rough weekend.  I did a bit of exercising -- more rigorous exercise then I've done lately -- on Saturday and it really threw my entire system out of whack.  I've been sore and coughing since, though I think I'm finally on the mend.  I did, however, decide to take a (unpaid unfortunately) sick day today to help speed up the last bit of the recovery.

Work is somewhat slow right now.  We're somewhat between phases of my current project, which means the amount of work I can actually do right now is somewhat limited.  That leads to long days of trying to make small amounts of work stretch as far as I can and look busy the rest of the time.  I hate not having anything to do at work, and not just because I worry that someone in management will begin to wonder what they are paying me for (though that doesn't help either).  If I'm going to be sitting at my desk at work, I want to be accomplishing something.  Or learning something.  Or facing a challenge.

Okay, puzzles are one "problem" I hate solving!

Learning and facing challenges is one of the reasons I went into my line of work.  It involves a lot of problem solving, figuring out what needs to be done, determining the best way to accomplish it, and organizing everything to do so in an efficient manner.  It's a job that centers around one of my favorite questions:  "How can I make this work?"

Of course, that's a great question and pursuit in a highly technical career where everything is under your control.  It's not such a great question or pursuit when dealing with relationships, friendships, or other situations where everything is not under your control, something I also used to do.  Often a huge factor in my codependency was that no matter what the relationship problem was, I was sure I could fix it.  Even if the problem was with the other guy, such as a vice, and he didn't want to change, I figured there was always a way to get him to change.  I'd find the magic (usually manipulative) formula that would get him to see that I was right so that we could get over the obstacle and work things into the perfect relationship I knew I can and should have.

The thing is, people aren't like machines.  There's no magic code that gets them to do exactly what you want -- and as I think about it, I wouldn't want there to be.  They have a mind and will of their own, and they're bound to exercise both.  So I've had to learn that not all relationship problems can be solved and in that domain, there really are obstacles that I can't overcome.

It never occurred to me until now, however, how the problem-solving nature of my career might have contributed to my previous approach to relationships.  It makes me wonder if there are other ways my work has influenced the way I interact with people and approach relationships.

I'll try not to giggle like a schoolgirl

Oh my, it's been a long, tiring, and emotional week.  I thin I've been spending way too much time going out and staying up late.  I've been having a lot of fun, but at the expense of my energy levels during work and at other times.  It hasn't been enough fun to make it worth that, I don't think.

On the bright side, I got a huge ego boost and ended up meeting someone.  No readers, Colorful doesn't have a boyfriend.  But Colorful does have someone delightful to chat with and hopefully spend a bit of time with.  What comes after that, who knows?  But I'm doing my best not to get too focused on (or worried about) the future.

For now, I'm gonna call this guy Fuzzy Pro, or Fuzzy for short.  He contacted me yesterday morning when he spotted me on one of the sites I frequent.  He let me know in a pretty direct way that he thought I was good looking, then asked if I had been at Manly Bar, the previous night.  I had been there with Sweet Cynic (who has been a bit of a jackass lately, but that's another, less enjoyable story) the night before, in fact.  I began flashing through my memories of the night and thought I vaguely remembers seeing Fuzzy there and asked him about it.  He indicated that he was there and had been eyeing me all night, though he was busy making plans for an event his club is planning for this weekend.

Fuzzy and I were much more casual,
but I think we were both this happy.

I want to write that again, because I love the sound of it.  He had been eyeing me all night.  Eyeing.  Me.  All.  Night.  I'm not used to being the guy getting checked out by someone else at the bar.  (In fairness, I probably don't go enough to give it sufficient opportunity to happen.)  And I'm certainly not used being the guy that the other guy keeps checking out.  That's a major ego boost right there.

(I'll also note on the petty side that I especially enjoy that this happened all under the nose of Sweet Cynic, who usually brags about how good looking he is and how he's constantly getting checked out.  Guess that night was my turn.)

So we struck up a conversation and Fuzzy ended up asking me what I was doing later in the evening.  I told him that Thursdays are usually my evening to go to dinner at Home Bar, and he said he'd drop in there later.   So I got there, got seated and started my dinner when Management comes upstairs with Fuzzy.  Fuzzy smiled at me and sat a couple tables behind me.  At first I wasn't sure it was him, so I finished my dinner.  When I finished my dinner, I checked my messages on the site and saw one from him:

Looking good, mister man.  :-)

I got up, walked over to his table, and asked to join him.  I think we must've spent an hour talking after that.  (When Management found the two of us sitting together and chatting, he was delighted.)  We talked about our respective jobs, a bit about our family histories, our growing up experiences, our sexual interests, and other topics.  I have to say that it was one of the most relaxed and easy-flowing conversations I've ever had.  Fuzzy tends to have a jovial personality, and yet a disarmingly direct and aggressive approach to life.  (He has an aggressive approach to other things, which has me both nervous and intrigued.)

We eventually went outdoors and said our goodbyes.  He encouraged me to come to his club's event at Manly Bar on Saturday, which I told him I'd be attending today.  Then we said our goodbyes.

I don't know what the future holds, but if nothing else, I hope it means another good friendship and someone I can hang out with and expand my social circles.  And if more comes of it than that, all the better.

But like I said, I'm just enjoying the fact that I got checked out at the bar and the guy liked what he saw enough that he made contact.

I turned down WHAT?!?!

Today, Pianoman contacted me, expressing interest in getting together for sex again.  He actually came right out and asked if I was interested, which is more direct than he often is.  It was a pleasant change.  Now, as I've mentioned before, I'm really having second thoughts about fooling around with Pianoman, and I pretty much "forgot" to solidify our plans the last time we talked about getting together.

The thing is, Pianoman is a great guy.  He didn't deserve to have me do that to him a second time, especially since I felt weird about doing it to him the first time.  So I decided to be more direct and honest with him this time:

i'm not sure. I have fun with you, but i'm at the point where i'm starting to want sonething more serious, regular, and committed....and i'm pretty sure you're not at at a place in your life where thats what you want or could give.^[1]

I haven't gotten a response back from him since then, so I'm guessing I've judged correctly where he is in his life.  Which means it's definitely time for me to say, "I love having sex with you, but I want more than sex.  And that means finding someone else.  I wish you the best."

Which I admit is not easy to do because, hey, it was really good sex!  But alas, it's time to move on.  Next, I'll work on moving on without whining about turning down really good sex.  That's gonna take a while, though.

I don't care how good you are with
these, you still can't fix people.

Though in many way's I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud of how I handled Pianoman and I'm (mostly) proud of how I'm handling the whole thing with Sweet Cynic.  You see, in the past, I would've looked at each (or both) of them and decided that the things that make them unsuitable boyfriends for myself are things that I could fix.  I'd start trying to get Pianoman to get his life in order so that he could make concrete plans toward a serious commitment.  I'd start trying to get Sweet Cynic to open up while sober and be more genuine.  I'd try to get both of them to do whatever I could think of to fix what I perceive to be wrong.

In short, I'd run myself ragged, get nowhere, and piss them all of in the process.  And I'd have nothing positive to show for the experience.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

But now, I see can foresee the ugly end result of that endeavor, acknowledge that it's not what I want, and make a different choice.  I'll find someone who is already capable of fulfilling my needs, prepared to do so, and looking forward to the opportunity instead.

Don't get me wrong, it's tempting.  But so is settling.  And I refuse to keep making either of those mistakes and hoping for better results.  I've played that game too many times.  The deck isn't just stacked against me.  I'm convinced all winning hands were removed from the deck in that game.

---

^[1]This is a direct quote of the message I typed in using my phone.  When I'm on my phone, I often dispense with capitalization, apostrophes, and other minor grammar and spelling rules as minor annoyances.

Sweet Cynic throws me for a loop

It's funny.  I go through a few days where I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to blog about.  Then a 24 hour period hits and suddenly I have a ton of things on my mind that I can and want to write about.  Rather than flooding my blog with a bunch of posts in a matter of a couple hours, I'm going to start scheduling them over the next day or two.

When I started my last post, I actually planned on writing about my experiences with Sweet Cynic on Friday night (well, early Saturday morning).  But the whole thing with Rumor Queen came to mind and I got off on a tangent.  Funny how that happens, isn't it?

As I mentioned briefly, Sweet Cynic and Rumor Queen used to live together.  In fact, they were roommates back when I tried dating Rumor Queen.  At the time, Rumor Queen was constantly worried that I would decide to leave him in order to date Sweet Cynic instead.^[1]

The thing is, I think Sweet Cynic is cute.  In some ways, I suppose I'm attracted to him.  But there were -- and likely still are -- things that keep me from considering him a serious option for love, which is admittedly a little frustrating.  The thing with Sweet Cynic is that he tends to be prickly and it's hard to get close to him.

If you need a couple of these to open up
to someone, please consider talking
to someone about it.

Well, unless he's been drinking.  Then he'll pour his heart out to you and tell you all kinds of things.  It's happened a number of times when we've been out together over the past couple of months.  In that sense, I kind of like Sweet Cynic when he's been drinking, because he tends to let his guard down and seems more open, honest, and vulnerable.  (Granted, he also tends to get very handsy and can be something of a belligerent ass, so keeping him drunk is not a good idea, either.)  But let's face it, why would I want someone who I have to ply with alcohol to have a sincere and authentic conversation with?

Well, Friday night got very interesting, as I got ready to leave Home Bar.  He started telling me how he has feelings for me and is pretty sure that I'm attracted to him, too.  He got quite worked up over it.  I stood there trying very hard not to get into an argument, but remaining non-committal.  After all, I wasn't convinced that I'd be hearing the same story come Saturday morning once he had a good night's sleep and was sober again.

I will admit, we did end up fooling around a bit.  He ended up kissing me and we made out.  And, well, let's just say that I didn't extract my hand all that quickly when he took it and shoved them down the front of his shorts.^[2] What can I say?  I enjoyed myself.

So we talked a lot before I dropped him off at home and went back to my own place to sleep and see what the next day would bring.  And the next day brought...pretty much what I expected.  He never said anything about Friday night (well, other than saying that drinking so much was a huge mistake).  And he started talking about problems he's been having with other guys.  It's as if he doesn't even remember anything he said or did.  And that's almost more frustrating than the whole "well, I'm sure it's just because he's drunk thing."  It's now a "did he only do it because he was too drunk to even remember" thing.

Granted, I know it's just as well that I don't get involved with Sweet Cynic.  As  I said, he's hard to get close to.  And considering I've watched him (again, drunkenly) proclaim various guys to be the best he's ever met one day only to announce that he found some horrible flaw with them and wants nothing to do with them less than a week later, I know I'm better off.^[3]  But all the same, the whole experience threw me for something of a loop.

Plus it's a shame....In addition to being good looking and somewhat fun to hang out with, he has a pretty nice package...

---

^[1]As a side rant, let me make one thing perfectly clear:  I am loyal and I never dump a guy for another guy.  It's not my style, and I think that people who play that game will eventually get burned -- which they so richly deserve.

If I leave a guy, it's because there's something wrong with our relationship.  Yes, that might mean that I'll find a guy pretty quickly after that -- hell, I won't even deny that I was already chatting up another guy (that one didn't go anywhere) before I officially told Rumor Queen that we were over.  But if I had been happy with the way things were going with Rumor Queen -- or even had a sense that he was willing to do the necessary work to fix things -- I would still be with him.  There's a difference between looking for someone different because you're not happy with your current relationship and constantly being on the look for a chance to "upgrade."  Guys (and women, for that matter) would do well to make sure they grasp that difference.

^[2]And no, contrary to what Rumor Queen might think, it doesn't mean I left him for Sweetly Cynic.  All of this happened two months after he and I broke up -- which is twice as long as we were together in the first place.

^[3]Though I admit that my twisted side does wonder what my "fatal flaw" would end up being.

Well, if he had acted like a friend...

It's been an interesting weekend so far.  Friday night, I ended up going bar-hopping with a friend, Sweet Cynic.  (Oh look, a new code name!  I better update the score card!)  Of course, I have to laugh at the idea of me bar-hopping.  I only have about two drinks each evening, so that works out to less than a drink at each of the three bars we went to.  But we had fun, and it was nice to check out each of the venues.  At the end, we ended up back at Home Bar.  Despite the fact that I like Manly Bar and the other place (I'll have to come up with a code name for the new one at some point), I love Home Bar best.  That's where I know the most people, and I like seeing Management and everyone else.  It gives me the sense of feeling welcome.  And being around Rumor Queen has even been getting less weird.

Actually, that's not entirely true.  I've just been enjoying Rumor Queen's apparent weirdness around me.  It's becoming pretty obvious he doesn't know how to act around me.  I won't fawn all over him and I tend to cultivate an air of polite (at least I hope it's polite) disinterest whenever he starts telling me all about his life.  According to Sweet Cynic (who used to room with Rumor Queen), RQ says that he misses our friendship.  Funny how RQ will tell that to other people, but won't say it to me directly.

I now get that this is not boyfriend (or friend) material.
Took me long enough to figure it out though.

The thing is, RQ is missing my friendship because he never figured out how to act like a friend.  He never learned to make my needs and wants a priority.  They were always things to be addressed later.  If there was time.  If he felt like it.  If it didn't interfere with what he wanted.

You know, I sound pretty down on RQ.  In some ways, I suppose I am.  I don't apologize for it.  I take issue with someone who throws around words like "friend" -- not to mention words like "love" and "boyfriend" -- and can't get outside of himself to see what said friend/boyfriend needs and wants, and address that.  What especially gets me is that I don't think RQ even sees that he failed to do that.  That's how deep his own failure to grow up (and I'm convinced it's a maturity thing)f and see beyond himself runs.

But what also bothers me is that I see this as a pattern in my life.  I've historically drawn to myself and become interested in guys who suffer from this inability to see beyond themselves and failure to really pay attention to my needs and wants.  And I find that upsetting and frustrating.

Granted, I know that I'm working on changing that.  If anything, my experience with Rumor Queen actually demonstrates growth for me in that area.  I recognized what he was doing and cut him loose, rather than keeping him around.  But still, I have to keep reminding myself of that.  And I'll be happy if and when the day comes that I see that kind of behavior pattern right away and don't get involved in the first time.

Of course, the real joy will be when I meet a guy who is totally into me, thinks the world of me, and shows it through his actions from the start.

Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.

I'm already happy, but I still want a boyfriend.

The following tweet came across my timeline today:

Don't place your happiness in someone else's hands, because once they're gone, so is your happiness.

Yes, I even find happiness
in rainbows.  I'm that gay.

I talk a lot about relationships and sex on this blog, and that's going to continue.  Because I'm a relationship-oriented guy with emotional and sexual needs.  I see no point in denying that fact or hiding it.  And if I talk about them a lot, it's because, quite frankly, those are the needs that are being met in my life the least at the moment.  I have platonic companionship.  I have familial connections.  I have the basic emotional support that I need as well as financial stability and a host of other needs that are well covered.  So it only makes sense that I focus a bit -- or even a lot -- more of my time on the needs that still need to be addressed more adequately.

But while I'm looking for companionship, emotional intimacy, romance, and mutual sexual fulfillment, I can't say as I'm really looking for happiness.  I have several other sources of happiness and consider myself to be a generally happy guy.  You know, beyond those instances of sadness that we all experience from time to time.  Emotions are funny like that.  They come and go and you can't stay in one emotional state all the time.  In fact, it's not healthy to even try.

I remember a few times when Rumor Queen's (now ex-)roommate would tell him that his primary job right now was "keeping Colorful happy."  His roommate meant well, as he was trying to stress to RQ that RQ had this tendency to put all kinds of things -- mostly drama and things that really didn't directly affect or did so only because RQ had this tendency to insert himself into others' problems.  Despite the roommate's best intentions, I always winced at that statement.  I didn't want Rumor Queen to "make" me happy.  For starters, that wasn't and is not in his power.  Second of all, that wasn't his responsibility.  My happiness was and is my own responsibility, and I draw from many sources to develop my sense of happiness.

I find happiness in writing.  I find happiness in watching a silly movie -- even movies that others might laugh at me for liking.  I find happiness in going for a walk and enjoying a beautiful day.  I find happiness in reading a good book.  I find happiness in overcoming a challenge at work.  I find happiness in joking around with friends.

I find happiness everywhere I look.  And if I can't find happiness, I find a way of creating it and introducing it into my circumstances.  (Again, those times when I just need to let my self-pity flag fly for a bit or have strong reasons to be said notwithstanding.)  The idea that Rumor Queen or any other boyfriend could replace all those sources of happiness is downright ludicrous.

Yes, I might also find happiness in spending time with a boyfriend, having a romantic dinner with him, cuddling on the couch with him, or having a wild night of lovemaking (or plain old sex) with him.  It's not like those are not enjoyable things as well.  But I think the key word there is "also."  A boyfriend can't and won't be my sole source of happiness.  That would amount to denying my own individuality and personhood.  It would turn me from being a boyfriend in return to being a parasite living off of and through him.  I don't want that.  (I've effectively tried it before, and it's no fun.)

So yes, I want a boyfriend.  It's on my mind a lot because it's something that represents my least met needs.  And having a boyfriend would probably add to my happiness.  But it can only add.  It cannot create my happiness, because I already have plenty to be happy about.

Plus, you know what one of the best things about having a boyfriend is?  Having someone you can share a lot of that other happiness with.

Expanding my social network and scene options.

I decided not to get with Pianoman yesterday.  I just decided that no matter how good it would be, I wasn't in the mood for no-strings sex, especially not with someone who's not into me so much as into the idea of having sex with whoever is available.  Granted, I probably should have contacted him to let him know I had decided not to hook up with him.  Instead, I just didn't contact him again to make definite plans.  But then again, he didn't contact me or follow through, so fair's fair, right.

This is not a color you're likely to find in Manly Bar.

I ended up going to a new bar last night.  I'll call it Manly Bar (yes, this post will call for some updates to the score card), since it caters to guys into leather and bears.  Last night was a night mostly for bears (and guys who like bears) and sponsored by local bear group.  Management told me about the event a week ago and thought I'd be interested.  I mentioned that I was considering going earlier yesterday and Sassy Waiter really pushed me into going.  So I showed up around 9pm.

I was a bit nervous going to a different place where I didn't know anyone.  I mean, I want to get out and meet people, but I have a problem just starting conversations with random people.  Fortunately, that problem resolved itself when I ran into Nicely Neurotic, a friend of mine who I tend to know from a more professional setting.  So I walked over to say hi to him, and he gave me a surprising favor.  I ended up spending my time there hanging out with him for the most part and he introduced me to about a half dozen other guys there.

Granted, Nicely Neurotic saw what he did slightly differently.  When I told him that I appreciated the fact that he introduced me around and made things much more comfortable with me, he responded by saying, "Yeah?  I was just being a friend."  He seemed to find it weird that I considered it such a big deal.

I suppose he's right.  Good friends do things like that.  I guess the problem is, I'm not used to being out at bars and in other social settings with good friends.  I've usually gone to Home Bar with people who just don't think think of simple things like making introductions.  Well, Management and the waiters have when they can.  But I also usually see them when they're working, so they really can't play social butterfly.

So having Nicely Neurotic around gave me a chance to meet people, be friendly, and be charmingly witty.  Plus it gave me someone to tease, which went over well with one of his friends.  One of his friends even started playing with my chest.  I wasn't really into him, but it felt nice.  Plus it was one of those rare moments where I felt a guy was actually enjoying my body because he liked it, rather than just looking for a hole to get off in.  So I think I'll be going back to Manly Bar.  Who knows, I might even ask Nicely Neurotic to let me know when he's going again so I can hang with him, at least until I get to know some of the other patrons well enough to not need him to feel like I have a connection.

I only ended up staying about an hour and a half.  I'm not sure why I left when I did.  I was having a great time.  Well, I know why I left.  I was getting restless for some reason.  I just don't know why I was getting restless.  I was restless most of the night.  Even when I stopped at Home Bar after leaving Manly Bar,  I felt restless.  I ended up going for about a ten minute walk around a few blocks while I was there.  I think I was just in a mood where I wanted to be on the go.

Manly bar will be having another event geared toward bears next month.  Hopefully I'll be more calm and able to stay longer that time.

Healthy Attention Whoring?

I've been feeling like something of an attention whore lately.  I just feel like drawing as much attention to myself as possible.  I suppose part of that is an overcompensation from when I didn't talk about myself because I wasn't sure anyone found me interesting.  So now, my attitude is, okay if since I'm so interesting, why aren't you hanging on my every word?  Pay attention to me already!

I suppose is the long run, there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I temper it with my usual charming and personable self, the side of me that takes a sincere interest in and deeply cares about other people, their lives, and their stories.  It's just a matter of a balancing act, I suppose.

Yeah, this is me right now.

That's one of the things that I admire about Management right now.  I've been spending a lot of time at Home Bar talking to him, and he seems to strike that balance.  He's extremely confident and will talk up his own abilities.  On another person, some of the things would come off as completely narcissistic.  And I suppose at times, he does come off a touch like that, himself.  But then, he balances it out by talking about the abilities and accomplishments of others with that same level of enthusiasm.  So while he comes off as thinking he's this great person -- and that's an opinion that I'd be hard pressed to argue with -- he tends to think of others as equally great.  He's not like Hot Pants, who tends to view everyone around him as lesser beings meant merely to reflect and bask in his awesomeness.

Plus, unlike both Hot Pants and Rumor Queen, Management has this incredible knack for expressing concern for other people.  Every time I stop in, if he can make the time (after all, he's running a business, which must come first), he sits down, asks me how I'm doing, and listens like he actually cares about the answer.

In the end, I want to find that same kind of balance.  I want to draw attention to myself -- preferably in healthy and natural-seeming ways rather than obnoxiously and awkwardly -- and build myself up so that people want to get to know me better while still managing to show reciprocal interest in those who are drawn to me and lift them up as well.  I just have to keep practicing.

And if I need to practice the self-promotion and attention-seeking more because I have the other part much more polished, that's perfectly understandable.  Right?