Drama and Dating

I ran across this video this morning and loved it:

Think of how much less drama there would be in the world if all the gay men would take this advice and get over it when their friends and exes dated.  I've seen that drama first hand and could only shake my head.  The guy spent several minutes going on about how two of his exes were dating and even had the nerve to come into the chain restaurant that he worked at on a date.  He  spent that time trying to figure out why they'd do that, as if they might visit a chain restaurant simply because they liked the food they serve.

I think that's what gets me.  Drama over exes dating or friends dating your exes is all about making the whole thing about you and your past relationship(s).  My advice to everyone is simply, move on with your lives.  Your exes (or friends and exes) dating is simply not about you.  In fact, it's probably a good sign that your ex(es) are trying to move on with their lives.

Good weekend.

I decided to take a blogging break this weekend.  I decided it would be more personally rewarding to spend the weekend watching television and going out to Home Bar.  It was a pretty busy weekend at the bar this weekend.  The restaurant dining room had a nice flow of business both Friday and Saturday evenings, which is good to know.  I like that Management and his partner (who desperately needs a code name) get business, as it helps ensure that one of my favorite eating establishments stays open.

Saturday night, the place was packed, though not quite as bad as Pride weekend.  It only took me a few minutes to get to the bar and get the bartender's attention to order my cocktail.  On my second time up to the bar, some young thing (who budged in front of me) even spent a moment flirting with me.  It didn't go anywhere, and I half figured he as just being super-friendly because he was drunk.  (Actually, I'm not sure if he was drunk.)  Then I pointed him out to someone else and found out that no, he was being super friendly because he's a hustler.  Oh well, I'm going to claim the compliment anyway.

It turns out that just about everyone I knew was there that night and I got to see more of the same drama to remind me why I don't hang out with some of them.  Sweet Cynic was a drunk mess.  Rumor Queen was trying to play caretaker/babysitter to Sweet Cynic.  He even tried to enlist my aid in his caretaking efforts, which I politely (at least I think I was polite about it) declined.  At any rate, I had a pleasant time.

On Sunday, I went back out for a couple of hours.  Home Bar was having a black party to celebrate the holiday.  I have to say that I though I looked quite dapper in my black and gray vertically striped shirt and black jeans, not to mention my new plaid tennis shoes.  (Yes, I managed to get shoe shopping, and bought two different pairs to treat myself.)  Granted, only the one person at the convenience store complimented me on my outfit.  No one at Home Bar said a word.  Rats.  But it was still a pretty small crowd when I left around 11pm, and I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen to get away from the noise.  What is it with DJ's who seem to think they actually need to make the walls rattle with the volume of their music, anyway?

Beyond that, I spent much of my weekend watching science fiction on Netflix.  I'm getting back in touch with my inner geek.

Well, that was easy.

I haven't heard from Sweet Cynic in about a week now, and I'm quite comfortable with that.  In fact, I may be happy.  Granted, he's gone two to three weeks before contacting me before, so I may be celebrating prematurely.  However, he usually only ignores me when he's seeing someone, and as far as I know (though I'm not going to do anything to really verify it), he's single at the moment.  He broke up with the last boyfriend (I knew about) almost two weeks ago.

It's like this, but with
other people's bullshit.

That's why he texted me last weekend, or at least I assume that's why.  He probably needed someone to vent to about his breakup drama, plus he probably wanted me to take him out to a bar (as he doesn't have a car of his own and decided to move clear out to an isolated location with even shittier public transit than they have in the city).  I just wasn't in the mood for it, so I took one last look at the shiny words "hey hey" on my smartphone and deleted them.  Then because I realized that if I stayed home that night (as I had originally planned) I was going to stew in frustration.  So drove to Home Bar and posted a checking announcing I was there "to get out and have fun before I snap," and went on to have a pleasant day.

I'm sure (Not So) Sweet Cynic saw the check-in, and I'm pretty sure why I haven't heard from him since.  He's probably upset and handling it in his usual passive-aggressive way.  Which is fine with me, as it might get me out of the huge drama that will result from me telling him I simply don't see any value (for me, at least) in continuing our friendship.  But I've also pretty much resolved myself to the choice that the next conversation I have with him will result in exactly that.  No more conflict avoidance on this one.

Granted, I'm starting to think I shouldn't expect any drama, at least not much.  Sweet Cynic doesn't often create scenes, at least not directly toward the person he's upset with.  He's more passive-aggressive than that.  He'll rant behind my back.  Or he'll make snarky comments, comments which I can ignore.  Of course, I can just ignore the drama, too.

The one thing I struggle ignoring, though, is comments against my character or my behavior, at least the ones that I think are unjustified or that act like my choices are in someway unjustified.  I immediately want to stand up for myself and not let things like that go unchallenged.  After all, I got tired of rolling over and taking people's abusive attempts to force a sense of guilt on me for actually trying to look out for myself.

However, I'm starting to learn that sometimes, standing up for yourself actually takes the form of walking away and not replying to the criticisms, attacks, and mischaracterizations.  Sometimes, walking away with an attitude of "I don't have to defend myself from your vitriol because you're just being an ass" is a matter of respecting myself, even if the other person doesn't interpret my actions that way.

But that's one I'm still working on fully internalizing.

Fun on a crazy night

Last night, I went to Home Bar, and it was a madhouse, even more than usual.  When I got there at 10:30, the parking lot was completely full, which meant that I had to park a couple blocks away and walk there.  I'm not complaining though, as that just meant more walking time for me.  I'm starting to remember just how much I enjoy walking.  (Note to self:  Start looking for walking partners.  Seriously.)

After the chaos of trying to
order one of these, I needed it.

I digress....oh yes, the parking lot was full by 10:30, which never happens.  In reality, I don't think I've ever seen the parking lot full.  I've seen a huge number of cars there around midnight, but there's always a few spaces still available.  So when I get there, I stop by to say high to the guys selling burgers and hot dogs outside, as I normally do.  Then I headed for the front door, got waved through by security, got my wristband, and walked into wall-to-wall people.

There's usually a crowd at Home Bar on Saturday nights, and getting through the place often involves squeezing or crowding through groups of people, but doing so was significantly more difficult than usual.  And getting to the bar to get a drink took five to ten minutes.  That's not the time that I stood waiting for the bartender to ask me what I wanted once I was standing at the bar.  That was the time I spent waiting for the people in front of me to get their drinks and move out of the way for those of us behind them.  I ended up spending a rather small amount of time actually inside.  Between the crowd, the heat, and the noise, it was much more pleasant to stand on the sidewalk outside, which were also pretty full, considering the number of people who had the same thinking.

I think the amusing thing about all this was that last night was a night I kept running into people who are no longer in my life, specifically those people who are no longer in my life for good reason.  They'd come up to me (or I'd walk past them and offer a polite "hello" or a playful elbow to the abs in one case).  In a few cases, I'd stop because a brief conversation would ensue.  Then I'd move on, shaking my head and smiling at my renewed intention to continue to leave them out of my life.

In many ways, it was comforting because it reinforced and reaffirmed the choices I've been making over the past couple of years.  It was nice to be able to smile and (in some cases) speak politely with people who I used to desperately want -- and thought I needed -- in my life, and know that they would quickly fade from my life again and know that is a good thing.

Of course I think the real show of how much I've changed is my reaction to a new guy who said hello to me.  He ended up asking for my number.  I gave it to him, but I don't expect to hear from him.  And while I'm a bit disappointed, I'm also greatly okay with it.  I got the impression that he was more interested in scoring a free drink than in pursuing anything from me.  At least, that's the most reasonable explanation I can think of for his transition from "You're adorable and I want to take you home with me tonight" to "I need to get going, let me have your number so you can call me sometime."

Overall, it was a beautiful and tiring night.  I'm glad I've decided to take it easy today until I head back out to Home Bar later this afternoon (or maybe early evening) to meet some friends.

Drama Addiction

One of the things that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of being addicted to drama. In fact, that's what led me to write last Friday's brief post.  It just seems to me that a lot of people -- myself included at one point -- have this need to have drama in our lives, no matter how much we complain about it.  I've called it being a drama queen (where the drama is clearly and directly owned by the queen) as opposed to a drama addict (who tends to needlessly involve themselves in other people's drama).

Imagine my delight when I read the part in Melody Beattie's book where she addresses the topic in those very words:

Many codependents become what some people call drama or crises addicts.  Strangely enough, problems can become addicting.  If we live with enough misery, crises, and turmoil long enough, teh fear and stimulation caused by problems can become a comfortable emotional experience.  In her excellect book, Getting Them Sober, Volume II, Toby Rice Drews refers to this feeling as "excited misery."  After a while, we can become so used to involving our emotions with problems and crises that we may get and stay involved with problems that aren't our concern.  We may even start making troubles or making troubles greater than they are to create stimulation for ourselves.  This is especially true fi we have greatly neglected our own lives and feelings.  When we're involved with a problem, we know we're alive.  When the problem is solved, we may feel empty and void of feeling.  Nothing to do.  Being in crisis becomes a comfortable place, and it saves us from our humdrum existence. It's like getting addicted to soap operas, except the daily crises occur in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.  "Will Ginny leave John?"  "Can we save Herman's job?"  "How will Henrietta survive this dilemma?"

I remember so well the first weekend after I threw Hot Pants out of my life (the first time).  I sat at home going nuts.  There was no drama.  Things were way too quiet.  I ended up calling Southern Helle and telling her, "I've forgotten how to deal with the silence!  I don't know how to enjoy a drama-free night!"

This is the only kind of drama
I want to be addicted to now.

Why do we do it for ourselves?  I think Melody hit a lot of the reasons in the paragraph I quoted.  However, I think some of the stuff that she mentions elsewhere in the book applies too.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that other people's drama makes us interesting.  I often felt like my own life, my own interests, and my own activities were terribly boring to most people.  So getting involved in other people's drama and trying to fix their crises was a way to be "interesting by proxy," if you will.  Sure, I wasn't the major player getting all the attention, but I'd get some of the attention from being the drama queen's supporter and rescuer.

For me, part of learning to break that cycle has been about learning that I can be and even am interesting in my own right.  Rather than wrapping myself around other people's drama, I'm learning to put myself out there more as a funny, interesting, and thoughtful guy with my own ideas, interests and pursuits.  It's still a work in progress for me, but I think there's been a lot of progress.  And I know it's already showing.

Brief thought for the day

If we refuse to heed the warning signs, whose fault is that?

People who loudly proclaim they hate drama seem to keep finding it anyway.  Perhaps the solution is to quit talking about how much we hate drama and just walk away when we spot it.

Communication and Conflict Avoidance

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to pick up my (electronic) copy of the book on codependency my therapist recommended to me.  I got almost three quarters of the way through it before I stopped reading it almost a year ago.  At the time, I stopped because I had so many positive changes going on in my life that I didn't feel like I needed it any more.  And at that time, I didn't.  The book had helped me identify a number of things about myself and my life that were problematic and develop plans to change them.

Lately, though, I've been having a nagging feeling that maybe I should pick it up again.  Perhaps I felt like the progress had slowed a bit too much.  Or perhaps I felt like I'm becoming more aware of new issues -- or new manifestations of old issues -- that I need to ponder and work through.  Or perhaps I just thought reading it would give me more to write about on this blog.^[1]

This little guy understands
assertiveness.  And courage.

So I bit the bullet and read the next chapter, a chapter on communication.  At this point, I'm ready to make accusations against the gods for plotting against me.  Well okay, they're really not plotting against me.  The chapter proved to be quite beneficial to me, because communication is one of those issues I know I'm struggling with right now.

For example, I realize my communication lately with Sweet Cynic has been a bit passive aggressive.  Because of some recent happenings between him and myself, I've come to realize that a lot of times, I really don't enjoy hanging out with Sweet Cynic all that much.  Sure, he's nice to talk to, and it's nice to actually have someone at a bar with me so I don't have to either sit in silence or force myself to start random conversations with total strangers.

But it's less fun when Sweet Cynic turns into a drama queen and spends the whole time talking about his problems and his misadventures --  never noting how he's contributed to those problems or navigated his course through those misadventures, of course.  It's less fun when he starts getting obnoxious and confrontational -- and then accuses other people around him (including me on occasion) of trying to start something or getting their panties in a twist.  It's less fun when he asks me how I'm doing, and I answer only to have him turn the conversation back to himself -- especially in those cases where I try to express something in my life that upset, troubled, or saddened me and he immediately one-ups me with one of his problems.  And as I've mentioned before, it's less fun when I decide when I decide I need to call it a night and suddenly find myself having to either wait for him or get downright pushy about leaving.

So I'm doing to limit the amount of time that I spend with him and I'm trying to go out more without him.  This is a good thing.  The problem is that I'm not accomplishing this through entirely healthy means.  Rather than simply telling Sweet Cynic, "Sorry, but I'd rather go out alone tonight" -- something I have every right to do -- I tend to avoid him.  I'll hope he doesn't contact me and even ignore calls or texts (pretending to "miss" them, mind you) from him.  On rare occasion, I'll make excuses on why I can't make plans with him.  All to avoid saying that one sentence.

There's a reason I want to avoid saying that sentence, mind you.  I don't want to deal with the drama that will almost certainly ensue.  If I tell him that I simply don't want to take him out with me, he'll demand to know why.  Telling him all of the above would not go well.  He'd deny it.  He'd make excuses why I'm wrong.  He'd try to guilt me into taking him anyway.  And even if he did admit I had some valid complaints, he'd simply try to smooth talk me into believing he wouldn't do those things anymore (a claim I'm disinclined to believe).

This is where I need to take Southern Helle's advice (and that of the book's author) and go with simple brevity and replying to all requests or demands for an explanation with, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel I owe an explanation beyond, 'I don't wish to do that at this time.'"  Granted, that will probably upset him and might even cause him to decide to quit talking to me.  But if I'm being perfectly honest with me, that probably wouldn't be a horrible thing.  Especially if he's not going to respect a simple "I don't want to do this."  I just hate doing things that are likely to end friendships, even friendships that are sometimes broken and unhealthy.  It's much easier to push someone out of your life when they're clearly nothing but a source of trouble and headache.  But when you see some good in the friendship, it's hard to do, even if the headaches and trouble tend to outweigh the good.

Then there's the fact that I still struggle with the idea that I have a right to set such hard boundaries and be so hard-nosed about it -- as indicated by the fact that I classified saying something as calm and friendly as saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to do this" hard-nosed.  That's something I definitely need to still work on.  I need to continue to retrain myself to see that as simply being kindhearted while respecting myself and my boundaries.

The author of my book actually recommended another book, "How to be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman" by Jean Baer.  (The author says it's a good book for men too, and I'm sure she's right.)  I'm thinking I may order a used (alas, it's out of print) copy when I get paid next.  Now that I've learned to accept my needs and boundaries, I think becoming more comfortable with expressing them is the next order of business.

---

^[1]There actually is some truth to that one.  I've noticed that my most read posts tend to be those in which I talk about my personal struggles and triumphs, so I've considered delving more into my struggles with codependency to see what kind of interest it generates and maintains.