Back to writing and trying something new

Tonight, I officially ended my writing break.  And as I intellectually assumed, my fears of stalling proved unfounded.  I managed to crank out over a thousand words, and it was all on the part of the scene that I was concerned about.  I may still add to that scene later, but I wrote far more into it this time around that I thought I'd be able to.  I'm proud of that.

I also decided to try a change of venue today.  Rather than going to Home Bar to eat and write, I ended up going to a nice little bistro near home.  In fact, I'm writing this post from there.  I just decided I didn't want to drive thirty minutes to go to Home Bar.  And to be honest, I just haven't been satisfied with Home Bar on Tuesday during happy hour lately.  I didn't feel like I was meeting new people or even had the opportunity to meet new people.  This place potentially offers me that option, though I may have to work at being a little bit more outgoing and taking the initiative to say hello.

I'm not sure this will become a permanent stop, however.  I'm not entirely sold on the menu, as there aren't many things on it that really appeal to me as described.  To get a diverse number of choices, I'd have to ask them about changing the order (like leaving off stuff I don't really care for).  So I'll have to think about it.  If nothing else, it offers me another option that I can consider on a case-by-case basis.  And my waiter was pretty damn adorable, so that was a plus.

Thoughts over a latte

So I'm feeling much better than I was on Thursday.  I'm not back to my fully colorful self.  However, if I was to say I was nothing but shades of gray (and not fifty) on Thursday, I'm back to a more balanced palette, but with subdued tones of all the colors.  That's definite progress, and I'm hopeful I'll be back to full technicolor in a couple more days.

One of the things that helped, I think, was getting a lot of sleep on Thursday. I was in bed by 9:45pm and didn't get up until a little after eight on Friday morning.  Well, other than getting up to take care of Hellcat's needs around 5:30.  She was a doll and let me go back to sleep without much fuss after that.

Then Friday night, I decided to run out and work on my novel at the diner.  Friday's not a normal writing night for me, but I felt like both getting out of the house and working on the novel.  That second part was a relief, as I was worried about my malaise interfering with or even sabotaging the efforts of getting this novel done.  (Such feelings of being down have actually shipwrecked a couple such attempts on my part, after all.)

Today, I hung out with friends for a bit. Then I ran over to a coffee shop to enjoy a latte.  I'm sitting here, sipping on said latte as I write this post in fact.  I'm enjoying the music and conversation in the background.  Every now and then, I look up just to see if anyone I know is around.  So far, I haven't spotted anyone.  That's probably just as well.  The only person I can think of that I know hangs out here regularly is Hot Pants, and I'd just as soon not see him, let alone interact.

So the rest, time out of the house, and work on the novel have improved my mood greatly, which is good.  Granted, I still need to figure out what to do about meeting and socializing with other people, but at least I don't feel quite so hopeless about it.  (Yeah, Thursday really was that bad.)  I'm seriously considering abandoning my time at Home Bar, other than the writing I do there on Tuesday night.  I'm not meeting anyone new there right now.  And if I'm being totally honest, I think I'm mainly going there now out of a sense of obligation to a couple of the people who work there.  To be even more honest, I'm allowing myself to question whether that sense of obligation is merited.  I'm leaning toward "no."

Meh

I think I've been a bit down the last week or so.  We're not talking massive depression or anything too serious.  Just enough to impact my motivation.  I think part of me may just need a day or two off, where I do absolutely nothing.  Except I hate days like that, too.  At the end, I feel like I did absolutely nothing.  So I guess what I really need is a couple days off, followed by a day or two of fun and excitement.  Or maybe the other way around.  At any rate, I feel like I need something of a reboot right now.

In many ways, I wish that it was May already.  I'm planning a trip to Toronto in May.  I'll be there for a weekend.  What's more, I'll be going there to attend a conference, which should be a lot of fun.  I'll get to meet people, both complete strangers and people I've talked ot online for years (but have not yet met in person).  It sounds like just the thing I need right now.  Which is why it's so frustrating that the darn thing is over two months away still.

The meeting people thing is part of what I really need, too.  I feel like I'm stagnating, socially.  Or worse, I'm slippng backward.  I mean, now that Management and his partner are no longer running a restaurant and they're busy in their own lives, I don't talk to them much.  I tend to only go out to Home Bar at particular times, when the crowd is extremely small.  So I'm seeing people, but not making any new connections.  I don't feel that going to Home Bar when it's busier is an option, because the place has two modes operation.  It's either slow with a couple regulars (most whom work there) or it's packed, noisy, and way too chaotic.

I'm considering going back to the one cofee shop more.  I quit going there because I didn't feel I really met anyone there.  That's mainly because most people go there with others and I find it weird intimidating to walk up to a group of people I don't know and break into their conversation or start up one of my own.

That lack of contact, and the resulting feeling that I'm not meeting anyone new and therefore can't expand my social circles (and yes, eventually meet someone I can date and build a relationship with along the way) is something of a motivational drain right now.  So that's another part of why I'm down.

I know I'll break out of this funk soon.  I'll find a way.  But right now, it's just frustrating to me.

A pleasant and productive Tuesday.

I had a pleasant evening on Tuesday.  I ended up going to Home Bar for dinner for the first time in months.  Their new bar menu looks pretty nice, though a bit limited in selection, in my opinion.  However, I had their signature burger and it was incredible.  The new cook knows how to make food, it seems.  (One of my problems with Home Bar after Management and his partner got out of the business was that the one person who was cooking tended to overcook everything to the point where it was dry and slightly on the tough side.)

I also spent some time there working on the novel, which is one of the things I love doing at Home Bar.  It's nice to sit there and talk to some of the regulars, then go back into my own little world where I create (or in some cases, chronicle) the activities of my characters.  It gives me something to do while still giving me a chance for socialization.  Though socialization wasn't a huge option last night.  It was mostly just me and the bar (and kitchen) staff.

After that, I came home and downloaded the tax software I use to do my income taxes.  I got my federal form completed and am quite happy with the refund I'm getting.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get my state return done yet.  It seems like the company is still working on the bundle for my state.  They say they'll have it done by the end of this week.  I hope so, as I have plans for that money already.  Plans I'd really like to put into action ASAP!

All in all, I felt I got a good bit accomplished Tuesday.  Which is good, as I didn't get nearly as much accomplished last night.

Gotta Get Out

Well, if I still needed a sign that my health really was improving, I got it last night.  At around 9pm, I was going stir crazy.  I was tired of sitting at home by myself and chatting online.  I wanted to get out and hang out with other people.  I wanted to mingle.  I wanted to flirt.  And getting lucky wouldn't have hurt my feelings, either^[1].

In the long run, I decided to stay home, though.  I'm planning to go out to Manly Bar tonight for the bear event they have planned.  Since going out two nights in the same weekend totally drains me and I'm already just starting to get back to feeling like I have energy, I chose to do the responsible, self-care oriented thing instead.

TMI Time!  B!  Definitely B!

I've started going to Manly Bar a bit more.  As much as I like Home Bar -- and I do try to go there from time to time to see some of my favorite bartenders and other friends I have there -- the crowd at Manly Bar is somewhat more my style.  Plus, as they tend to attract younger crowd, Home Bar tends to be filled with all kinds of drama and other immaturity.  I might actually be one of the younger guys^[2] at Manly Bar, in comparison.

Also, Management and his partner got out of the restaurant business, which is quite sad.  That means that the upstairs dining room is no longer open at Home Bar. The kitchen is still open and serves bar food downstairs.  But bar food is just bar food, so it doesn't have quite the same draw.  Plus it means I can no longer go in for a weekend dinner and sit at a quiet table and work on my writing.  Though I have worked on my writing during happy hour on weekdays at the bar before.  I may still do that.

At any rate, it means that I'm re-evaluating just how much time I spend at Home Bar and whether I might be better served by finding a new "regular" hang-out spot.  I may think about trying a coffee shop again.  It would certainly be good from a writing standpoint, but I don't do well at meeting new people at coffee shops.

---

^[1]Hey, I'm a guy with needs.  And I haven't done anything since Christmas day, and that time wasn't entirely satisfying for me, either.

^[2]Some day, I may do a whiny post about the conflict between being attracted to younger guys and the frustration I feel with younger guys' antics.  The dynamic is really quite messed up.

Good weekend.

I decided to take a blogging break this weekend.  I decided it would be more personally rewarding to spend the weekend watching television and going out to Home Bar.  It was a pretty busy weekend at the bar this weekend.  The restaurant dining room had a nice flow of business both Friday and Saturday evenings, which is good to know.  I like that Management and his partner (who desperately needs a code name) get business, as it helps ensure that one of my favorite eating establishments stays open.

Saturday night, the place was packed, though not quite as bad as Pride weekend.  It only took me a few minutes to get to the bar and get the bartender's attention to order my cocktail.  On my second time up to the bar, some young thing (who budged in front of me) even spent a moment flirting with me.  It didn't go anywhere, and I half figured he as just being super-friendly because he was drunk.  (Actually, I'm not sure if he was drunk.)  Then I pointed him out to someone else and found out that no, he was being super friendly because he's a hustler.  Oh well, I'm going to claim the compliment anyway.

It turns out that just about everyone I knew was there that night and I got to see more of the same drama to remind me why I don't hang out with some of them.  Sweet Cynic was a drunk mess.  Rumor Queen was trying to play caretaker/babysitter to Sweet Cynic.  He even tried to enlist my aid in his caretaking efforts, which I politely (at least I think I was polite about it) declined.  At any rate, I had a pleasant time.

On Sunday, I went back out for a couple of hours.  Home Bar was having a black party to celebrate the holiday.  I have to say that I though I looked quite dapper in my black and gray vertically striped shirt and black jeans, not to mention my new plaid tennis shoes.  (Yes, I managed to get shoe shopping, and bought two different pairs to treat myself.)  Granted, only the one person at the convenience store complimented me on my outfit.  No one at Home Bar said a word.  Rats.  But it was still a pretty small crowd when I left around 11pm, and I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen to get away from the noise.  What is it with DJ's who seem to think they actually need to make the walls rattle with the volume of their music, anyway?

Beyond that, I spent much of my weekend watching science fiction on Netflix.  I'm getting back in touch with my inner geek.

Weekend update and meeting people.

I had a fairly enjoyable weekend.  I decided not to go out Friday or Saturday night, figuring that I would enjoy some quiet time at home, rather than pushing through the crowds at Home Bar.  Besides, I'm really doubting whether going to Home Bar on Saturday nights is really the best use of my time.  I certainly enjoy seeing all the people I know there.  But at the same time, I'm not sure I'm meeting anyone new anymore, which is a bit of a concern.

Speaking of meeting new people, I read some great advice on another blog last week that applies to the topic and I found helpful.  The advice made it clear that it would be best if I (and others) set the goal to meet new people and not make new friends.  In fact, the advice the blogger gave is if you introduce yourself and strike up a conversation and the other person asks why, tell them simply, "I'm trying to meet different people."  The idea -- which makes sense to me -- is that saying you're looking for friends can come off as putting on too much pressure.  Whereas if you present yourself as merely wanting to meet people, it's quite simple.

I like this because meeting people is easy.  A brief conversation over nothing major -- even the weather -- is a finite, achievable goal.  And yeah, while I might want one of those conversations to develop into something more lasting and interesting, it enables me to seek out a mass quantity of contacts without putting too much hope into any one particular conversation.

In other ways, the advice was quite reaffirming, as it offered specific conversation starters that pretty much mirrored things I've already been doing.  The big example they gave was telling someone they like their outfit.  I'll often comment on a piece of jewelry someone is wearing or a visible tattoo.  And it's reaffirming to know that others figure that such simple interactions could conceivably lead to further conversations.

So I guess I just have to keep doing what I'm doing (though maybe pick a different venue or two) and let things happen when they happen.

A bit down

I had an unfortunate experience at Home Bar yesterday evening.  It has me reconsidering how much time I want to spend there in the future, or at least how I spend my time when I'm there.  I'm still mulling things over, as I don't want to make any rash decisions.  Plus I do feel better about the fact that at least one of the owners noticed what happened and seemed way more than sympathetic.

Also, this incident has pretty much connected with other things that have been on my mind, which has me in something of a general funk.  As such, my posting for the next couple of days may be brief and/or sporadic.

Why Sassy Waiter has his code name

Yesterday evening, I went to Home Bar for dinner.  As it was Saturday night, Sassy Waiter was working.  I love Sassy Waiter.  I love the rest of the staff there, but I don't get quite the same fun as I get with him.  We play-spar a lot.  To give you an example from last night:

Sassy Waiter:  Can I get you anything else?

Colorful:  (To Management.)  Should I use the line I did the other night?

Management:  I don't see why not.

Colorful:  (To Sassy Waiter.)  Yes.  I'd like a good looking top whose idea of a great night involved making a fat balding guy moan in ecstasy.

Sassy Waiter:  (Pause.)  Well, I have a check for you.

Management:  (After a long pause.)  You know, I don't think I've ever seen anyone strike Sassy Waiter speechless before....

Sassy Waiter:  I am not speechless.  I had a perfectly witty retort for that.

Colorful:  Okay.  I'm waiting to hear it.

Sassy Waiter:  Oh, fuck you!

(Everyone laughs.)

A post about Sassy Waiter would be
incomplete without an image of a cat.

Now, in fairness, I don't always come out on top in these exchanges.  Sassy Waiter often gives at least as good as gets.  But you know, it's my blog, so I get to choose the example that casts me in the best possible and even superior light.  To riff on Mel Brooks, "It's good to be the queen!"

But that's what I love about going to Home Bar, well besides just feeling comfortable there and the fact that the kitchen pumps out some of the most delightful food on the planet.  I like the back and forth comments, the raunchy humor, and the fact that everyone fully understands it's all in fun.

His reaction amused me

I briefly mentioned (see the sixth paragraph of this post) that a guy chatted me up and even asked for my phone number on Pride Weekend.  At the time, I half figured that he was mainly looking for a free drink that night, and the fact that he never contacted me pretty much confirmed my suspicions for me.  Last night, we crossed paths briefly while I was at Home Bar.  I found the entire thing rather amusing, personally.

If a player like this doesn't call me,
I'm most likely to count myself lucky.

I was wandering through the bar, enjoying myself and smiling at people like I normally do.  As I turned slightly to head for the restrooms, I spotted him directly in my path.  It took me a second to recognize him.  I think the only reason I fully recognized him was the expression on his face.  It was a mixture of displeasure and concern.  I don't know if he thought I was going to come up to him and start talking to him, make a scene over the fact that he never called, or otherwise interfere with his attempts to get lucky and/or scam something else out of someone else.  (I heard that he ended up leaving with some other guy shortly after that.)  At any rate, I found his reaction funny.  At the time, I only had one objective in mind:  Making my way to the bathroom that was directly behind him from my current position.  So I kept smiling and weaved on by.  When I came back out, he was gone.

Guys like that amused me.  I mean, we chatted two weeks ago, he came on strong, asked for my number, and then never followed through after that.  At that point, I shrugged my shoulders, said "Damn," and got on with my life.  To be honest, I thought that his reaction simply pointed out how highly he thought of himself, to think I'd continue to chase after him or mess up my night over him.  The guy was that cute, but not that cute.  (These days, no one is that cute.)

Plus, you know, I have better things to do than chase after players.  Like go for walks, chat with friends, flirt with other guys, and watch paint dry.  ;)

A rough start to a peaceful finish

I ended up going to Home Bar last night.  I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a bit.  I think that the guy I had been talking to earlier this week is going to stand me up this week.  I haven't talked to him for the last couple of days, and a few things that he said Wednesday night just gave me the impression that he's a lot of talk and no action.  I've been there before and I don't want to go there again.  So if I don't hear from him by Sunday, I'm just going to write him off.  Unless he has some major good reason -- like a family emergency r health reason -- I'll just tell him that I don't feel it's worth my time to pursue things with him anymore.  Yeah, I felt great because he showed interest in me.  Someone else will show interest in me too.  And with luck, the next guy will follow through.

This isn't the river I walk along, but it's about as idyllic.

Then around 9pm, Sweet Cynic texted me.  Bear in mind that I haven't heard from him in three or four weeks because he's been dating that asshole.  That would be the asshole that he dated for two weeks, got into a huge fight with back in mid-June, swore he was over and never wanted to talk to, and then proceeded to stick with him for another three to four weeks.  Well, they finally broke up earlier this week, and Sweet Cynic, being totally predictable, ended up texting me now that he's all alone.  I'm tired of that kind of friendship, not to mention tired of listening go on about the obvious losers he keeps getting involved about after he figures out their losers.  So I didn't respond to the text message.  If he texts me again or calls me again, I'm probably just going to tell him that we haven't talked in quite a while, so I've moved on and am not interested in being there for him now that he suddenly "needs a friend" again.

So yeah, this and a general malaise was bothering me, so around 10:30 I decided the hell with it.  I put on some  clothes and headed to Home Bar.  It's amazing what an hour among friends -- not to mention a couple good drinks and the best hot dog with meat sauce in town -- will do for my mood.  I had a great time talking to Management.  Plus, one of the drag queens (I'm not sure of her name) came over, gave me a hug, and told me I looked incredible.  (I was wearing a button-up shirt that was only buttoned up to the sternum, which is not a style usually sport.)  That was an awesome feeling.  And then I went for my midnight walk along the river and through parts of the city before I came home.

As a result, I'm feeling much more peaceful.

Fun on a crazy night

Last night, I went to Home Bar, and it was a madhouse, even more than usual.  When I got there at 10:30, the parking lot was completely full, which meant that I had to park a couple blocks away and walk there.  I'm not complaining though, as that just meant more walking time for me.  I'm starting to remember just how much I enjoy walking.  (Note to self:  Start looking for walking partners.  Seriously.)

After the chaos of trying to
order one of these, I needed it.

I digress....oh yes, the parking lot was full by 10:30, which never happens.  In reality, I don't think I've ever seen the parking lot full.  I've seen a huge number of cars there around midnight, but there's always a few spaces still available.  So when I get there, I stop by to say high to the guys selling burgers and hot dogs outside, as I normally do.  Then I headed for the front door, got waved through by security, got my wristband, and walked into wall-to-wall people.

There's usually a crowd at Home Bar on Saturday nights, and getting through the place often involves squeezing or crowding through groups of people, but doing so was significantly more difficult than usual.  And getting to the bar to get a drink took five to ten minutes.  That's not the time that I stood waiting for the bartender to ask me what I wanted once I was standing at the bar.  That was the time I spent waiting for the people in front of me to get their drinks and move out of the way for those of us behind them.  I ended up spending a rather small amount of time actually inside.  Between the crowd, the heat, and the noise, it was much more pleasant to stand on the sidewalk outside, which were also pretty full, considering the number of people who had the same thinking.

I think the amusing thing about all this was that last night was a night I kept running into people who are no longer in my life, specifically those people who are no longer in my life for good reason.  They'd come up to me (or I'd walk past them and offer a polite "hello" or a playful elbow to the abs in one case).  In a few cases, I'd stop because a brief conversation would ensue.  Then I'd move on, shaking my head and smiling at my renewed intention to continue to leave them out of my life.

In many ways, it was comforting because it reinforced and reaffirmed the choices I've been making over the past couple of years.  It was nice to be able to smile and (in some cases) speak politely with people who I used to desperately want -- and thought I needed -- in my life, and know that they would quickly fade from my life again and know that is a good thing.

Of course I think the real show of how much I've changed is my reaction to a new guy who said hello to me.  He ended up asking for my number.  I gave it to him, but I don't expect to hear from him.  And while I'm a bit disappointed, I'm also greatly okay with it.  I got the impression that he was more interested in scoring a free drink than in pursuing anything from me.  At least, that's the most reasonable explanation I can think of for his transition from "You're adorable and I want to take you home with me tonight" to "I need to get going, let me have your number so you can call me sometime."

Overall, it was a beautiful and tiring night.  I'm glad I've decided to take it easy today until I head back out to Home Bar later this afternoon (or maybe early evening) to meet some friends.

Enjoying Pride Weekend

It's the tail end of Pride Week here in my town, and there are more activities going on than there are orgies in a bathhouse.  I've actually skipped all the "official" pride events so far.  I'm debating whether I want to go to the final, big blow-out event that's taking place in one of the local parks tomorrow.  I've gone in years past and it's pretty nice, not to mention a good opportunity to pick up new pride paraphernalia.  But at the same time, I usually go alone and while I certainly run into people there and chat briefly, it gets pretty boring for a lone wanderer rather quickly.

Mind you, I haven't spent the weekend being a hermit.  I spent most of this afternoon at Home Bar, sipping cheap vodka cocktails (vodka and cran, to be precise) and enjoying the burgers and hot dogs that Management and his partner were selling outside.  I spent a few hours going back and forth between having a drink inside and having something to eat outside and talking to the incredibly funny cooks.  Well, cook and server.  It's my understanding that Management shouldn't be allowed to get too close to an open flame.

I'm getting ready to head back to Home Bar now.  I want to go and see the various friends I know will be there, have another hot dog or burger, check out the nice eye candy, enjoy some good music, and possibly catch part of the drag show (though I haven't committed to that yet).  And I'm sure at some point, I'll go for my 30-60 minute long "midnight walk," which has become something of a tradition for me when I go out late at night.  (It's much more pleasant than trying to walk when it's sweltering, like it was this afternoon.)

To me, this seems like a much more pleasant celebration of Pride, spending it with the people I've gotten to know and build relationships with.  There will be plenty of laughs (and raunchy jokes), hugs, and who knows what else.  And unlike tomorrow's event in the park, there's no charge to get in.  I just have to pay for whatever I consume.

The journey to belonging

Last night, I went to Home Bar to enjoy a bit of the show upstairs, talk with Management, and go for a walk.  (I love walking through the part of town that Home Bar is situated in.)  After exchanging pleasantries with Management -- who was outside selling hotdogs, hamburgers, and other grilled food items -- I wandered over to the entrance and walked through the first floor to make my way upstairs for the show.

I might become a social butterfly yet!

As I meandered through the karaoke crowd toward the stairs, I found myself nodding to or even stopping briefly to say hello to a number of people:  Fellow Geek, Sassy Waiter, one of Sweet Cynic's former love/sex (it's never clear which he's actually looking for, and I doubt even he knows) interests, and even Rumor Queen.  By the time, the realization hit me:  I can't make my way through this place anymore without running into someone I know.

I'm not really sure when that happened.  I can still vaguely remember the old days -- back before I met Rumor Queen and even while he and I were dating -- when I hardly knew anyone.  Going to Home Bar was an uncomfortable experience for me, because I felt like a lone traveler surrounded by strangers, with no sense of how to say hello or establish friendships with any of the people around me, people who all seemed far more connected.  People who seemed to all know each other and didn't really need some stranger trying to force his way into their social circles.

It made the thought of going out to such a place seem terrifyingly daunting.  It's one of the reasons I was thankful when Rumor Queen and I started dating.  He seemed to be part of that world, and I hoped that sticking with him would provide me with a ticket to becoming part of the crowd, someone truly integrated and welcome rather than a stranger wandering through while remaining an outsider.

Rumor Queen never did provide me a pathway to change that, at least not the way I expected him to.  To be honest, he was the kind to run off and chat with all his friends he already had established history with me and then come back to me when he was tired.  The only way in which he socially helped me -- and I am thankful to him for that, though he may have come to regret it -- is that he provided me with my first introduction to Management and Sweet Waiter.  Through them, I met Sassy Waiter and the rest of the Home Bar staff.  That encouraged me to keep coming back, which allowed me to reconnect with Fellow Geek, who I already knew from other venues.  From there, I just started to meet people.  People even started saying hello to me.

I don't really have a "crowd" or group of friends I hang with when I go to Home Bar.  I'm still very much a lone traveler a lot of the time I'm there.  And yet, I'm a lone traveler who knows people, who is known and recognized by those others, and feels like I'm part of the greater whole.  And it's built a great sense of confidence for me.

As I walked up the stairs to wait for the first show of the night to smile, I smiled at how Home Bar has earned its name in my heart and how that journey has changed me for the better.