Friday Thoughts: Self Esteem

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that other people's opinion of me matter less the more I love myself.

Friday Thoughts: Being yourself

Some simple and fantastic advice is "Just be yourself."  I believe being yourself is the best thing you can do for both yourself and the other people in your life.

Unfortunately, being yourself is not easy advice to follow.  It often means first figuring out who you are after growing up in a culture that frequently teaches and pressures you to be who other people expect you to be instead.

Checkup, Part 4

Continuing my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), I notice that this particular section of my old checklist is relevant to recent events in my life.  The characteristics I'm going to talk about was grouped together as "Dependency."  The first one on the list pretty much describes the common theme running through the rest of them:

• believe other people can't or don't love them

I certainly believe that people can love me.  I believe a lot of people -- friends and good family -- do love me.  I seem to be having a hard time finding a guy who loves me on a romantic level, but that fact no longer invalidates my ability to receive and experience love from all of those other sources.

Plus, I'm now more inclined to look at the men who don't love me and determine that we're simply not a good match or that the fault lies with him rather than automatically assume that it's a sure sign that something horrible is wrong with me.

• desperately seek love and approval
• often seek love from people incapable of loving

I don't do this anymore.  I have reached the point that I know I'm worthy of love and approval.  So if someone is unwilling to open themselves to loving me, I move on.  I'm not going to try to figure out how to make them love me or fit into their notions of who I need to be to get their love and approval.

• believe other people are never there for them

I struggle with this to some degree.  I wouldn't say that I don't think people are never there for me.  But I occasionally do wonder why people don't seem to be there for me in a given situation.  (And in fairness, I'm still working on the fact that I don't always let them know I need them to be there.)

• equate love with pain

I remember how I was like this.  Love was all about sacrifice and suffering.  Now, I tend to think "Screw that!"  Granted, I'm willing to compromise and make things work.  But part of healthy compromise is making sure my needs and interests get met, too.  No more one-way giving.

• try to prove they're good enough to be loved
• don't take time to see if other people are good for them
• worry whether other people love or like them
• don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people
• center their lives around other people

I think this is one of those areas where I deserve an actual medal.  I'm tired of trying to prove myself anymore.  I refuse to do it.  If some guy seems to think I'm not good enough for him, he can keep moving.  I'll find someone who has more sense.

And that second one?  That was a real wake-up call for me.  I'm proud of myself that I was ready to turn down the coffee date guy and a few other guys that I've run into.  At this point, I guess I've done a complete 180:  I'm not interested in proving myself to others, but they sure better be prepared to demonstrate they are worth my time!

And no, no centering my life around others and definitely no losing my life for others.  As far as I'm concerned, people can now find a way to fit into my life.  Well, okay, we can find a way to share our lives, but in a way that demonstrates that he values my individuality, uniqueness, and interests just like I value his.

The rest of the list mostly repeats or looks at these same themes from other issues, so I'm going to skip them.

Feeling good (about myself)

I'm feeling a lot better after the disappointment of the coffee date.  I spent some time last night just relaxing, watching television, and chatting with guys online.  What really helped is that I took the time to remind myself of what the other guy told me, though I'm not convinced he was sincere about when he said it.

I'm a great guy.

Doing little things, like cracking jokes, laughing at my wit, having a great phone conversation with Southern Helle, telling stories, watching movies, being exuberrantly friendly with a pizza delivery guy while shirtless (hey, at least I put on shorts!) all are things that remind me how wonderful I am and what I have to offer the world, and not just some guy (thougH I have a lot to offer the right guy, too).

So I guess this is a friendly reminder to myself:  When I have a disappointment involving some jackass, I should go back to the basics.  I should pamper myself and remind the world just how awesome I am.

Seventeen month checkup

I think I've mentioned in passing that I have been to therapy.  I'm also pretty sure that I've mentioned that I was diagnosed as codependent.  When I was diagnosed back in 2010, I started a private, invite-only blog to write about my therapy sessions and my progress to learn to deal with my codependency and make the necessary changes in my life, thoughts, and behaviors.  This morning, I started thumbing through that blog to see if there are any posts I might lift and share (after editing for anonymity of course) here.  As I skimmed, I ran across a couple of posts where I went through the checklist Melody Beattie offers in her boofk describing various characteristics a codependent person might exhibit and offered thoughts on the ones that applied to me.

As I scanned the list, I decided it would be interesting to see how much those same points apply to me now that it's been almost eighteen months.  So here we go.

• think and feel responsible for other people -- for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
• feel compelled -- almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggesstions, or fixing feelings.

This book helped
me so much!

This is something I can say I'm almost completely over.  I think my relationship with Rumor Queen proved that a great deal.  I was willing to let him experience whatever emotions he experienced (something that sometimes didn't sit well with him).  The only time his emotions bothered me was when he used his emotions as an excuse to act in ways that negatively affected me.  In those cases, I didn't seek to change how he felt.  I simply made it clear that I wasn't going to put up with his attempts to make me "wear" whatever he was feeling.  "Feel what you want.  But get your behavior under control or we're going to have a problem."

I'm also much happier to let people solve their own problems and fix their own messes.  I've watched Sweet Cynic make some doozies of mistakes^[1] and kept quiet about it.  I simply don't have the time to rescue people from their own bad choices.  I'd rather spend that time treating myself to a manicure or going to see a movie.

Oh, there are days I struggle, mind you.  I think the ones I struggle with most are when I see other people acting in a manner that suggests codependency.  When I see other people trying to control other people's emotional state or behavior, it's very tempting to step in and "make them stop."  Which is an understandable impulse.  Knowing from personal experience how self-destructive codependent behavior can be, it's perfectly understandable that I don't want to watch other people, especially people I care about, engage in it.

The thing is, trying to control other people's codependent behavior is still codependent behavior on my part, so I'm working on letting that go as well.  I've been doing okay.  Not perfectly, but okay.  And that's fine.  (After all, demanding unreasonable perfection from oneself is another common trait among codependent people.  So I'm working to break that pattern as well.)

• wonder why others don't do the same for them

I don't wonder about this so much.  At this point, if others don't seem to do as much more me as I do for them, I simply figure they can't or don't want to.  Then I decide if I think the friendship is worth continuing given the imbalance.

Of course it also helps that I have been more open about my needs with some of the friends I know I can trust.  I've come to acknowledge those people that I can go to if I really need something -- money, a shoulder to cry on, help moving a body -- and simply say, "hey I need this."

That's something that as a codependent person I struggled with (and still do to a lesser extent):  Believing that I have the right to ask for help rather than just waiting for someone to realize I need help and offer it.  I'm learning to overcome that, though.

• find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves

I think I pretty much covered this in a recent post.  To recap, I don't always say yes, but I rely too much on excuses and avoidance rather than just saying, "Sorry, I don't want to do that."

• find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves

I think I've gotten much better about this.  I certainly had no problems expressing my anger with Rumor Queen when I felt he wronged me.

• feel safest when giving
• feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them

I think I covered this above.  I sometimes still give too much, but I'm getting quicker at realizing when that's happening.  And I'm slowly getting better about asking in return when I have a need.

• find themselves attracted to needy people
• find needy people attracted to them

I think the first one is less true of me.  I'm also learning to put distance between myself and needy people.  I do still feel like I attract more needy people than I'd care to.  But I'm also attracting more well-balanced and independent people.  I have people like Management and Sassy Waiter in my life now as well.

Plus I'm less needy myself, which I think helps.  I'm not relying so much on other people to fulfill my needs.  I'm not so desperate to feel like I'll belong that I'll cling to anyone who shows me the slightest interest.  To be totally blunt, I've been developing (higher) standards.

• feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help

Well, for starters, I'm starting to learn to leave my love of problem-solving at work.  As for crises, I've found that a much quieter life is far more enjoyable than one that has me jumping from crisis to crisis.

Plus I've rediscovered my love of blogging and writing.  I've made new friends and try to spend more time with them.  Plus I'm building ways to socialize that don't involve crises and other drama.  In short, I'm taking all that energy I used to spend on drama and channeling it into activities and relationships that are much more interesting, much more fulfilling, and infinitely more enjoyable.

I think I'll stop there for now.  I'm only halfway through the bulleted items of the first checklist post, but I think this has gotten long enough for one day.

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^[1]We're talking about a guy who starts randomly texting someone he hasn't talked to for years, tells the guy he's having a late night meal with me, thinks nothing of it when said guy shows up at the restaurant uninvited and waits in the car until he comes outside to talk, and is totally shocked that said guy "turns out" to be totally controlling a few days later.  Dude, if you can't see the alarm bells when a guy pulls a stunt like that, you're beyond my help.

Damn Body Image Issues Anyway

Happy Memorial Day weekend!  If this evening was any indication of what the next three days will be like, it should be a beautiful one.  Granted, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if it was a wee bit cooler the rest of the weekend.  I had to lay under a fan until the sun went down before I could do anything that didn’t involve an air conditioned room.  And Colorful the adventurous queer wants to get outdoors this weekend.  I foresee lots of time spent walking, letting Hellcat play outdoors, and anything else I can think of.  Heck, I’ve even been invited to a pool party on Saturday, which is wonderful.

Of course, it would be even better if the pool party was on Sunday or even Monday, when I’m more likely to be sitting around and wondering what to do with myself.  (Hey, I can only do that so many times in one day!)  But alas, it’s on the same day when I already have a plethora of other possible activities to choose from as well.  Seriously, my friends need to learn to plan their pool parties and other events with my scheduling needs in mind.  After all, the universe revolves around me, right?  (Hey, it’s my blog.  Let me fantasize.)

Apparently, the walking is starting to pay off.  When Management got a chance to sit down with me in the dining room at Home Bar, he complimented me on losing weight.  I hadn’t realized I had actually started ditching weight -- losing it implies I might try to find it again -- yet, so that was a pleasant surprise.  Of course, I’m trying to make sure my walking is not about losing weight.  I just want to go out and enjoy some nice strolls and get some fresh air and exercise.  I know if I make it about losing weight, I’ll be in trouble.

If I make it about losing weight, it won’t be about having a good time -- something that is essential to keeping me motivated about walking.  I’ll start getting frustrated and discouraged when I plateau or have other problems.  And then I’ll stop.  I want to avoid that.

Plus I don’t want to encourage the underlying feeling I know I sometimes have that I need to lose weight in order to be lovable or sexually desirable.  As much as my self esteem has improved over the past several years, I know I sometimes still struggle with body image issues.  I don’t want to feed into that mentality and make it worse by setting weight loss as a goal.

Granted, I will probably lose weight anyway.  I usually do when I start getting more active and boost my metabolism.  And if that happens, that’s great.  But I figure if it happens without me focusing on it, it just becomes a natural outcome of getting out and having a good time rather than something I’m trying to do in order to make myself appealing to others, particularly other guys.

Because let’s face it, if they don’t see how appealing I am already, then they are damn fools.