What dreams may cum

Content Notice:  Frank sexual talk ahead.

Last night, I had a dream about Pianoman.  This isn't entirely surprising, I suppose, as he and I have been talking online the past week or so.  I think he's hoping to get back together with me for some more fun. Unfortunately, I'm still not that interested in going there again.  At least most of me isn't interested in going there again.  I will admit that it's been long enough since I've been with another guy, the temptation to say yes just for the sheer pleasure of having another guy inside of me is pretty strong.

Apparently, my unconscious mind is on the "come on, it would feel good" side of the argument, though I'm pleased to note that even my dream self was hesitant and had its reservations.  But in my dream, Pianoman showed up at my home (actually, I think it was my parents' home, which was a bit strange) and we got talking.  He made the first move and started trying to talk me into sucking him off.  So my dream self decided that this sounded like fun -- and that despite my reservations, I really needed it.  So we ended up getting naked and I laid down on the couch in front of the picture window (the couch and window were the clues that this was my parents' home) and he straddled my chest and started feeding me his still-soft member.  (Note to my unconscious mind:  If you're going to put Pianoman in my dreams, please get the important details right.  Even soft, he's a lot bigger than you portrayed him.  I should've been gagging in that position.)

It's been a long time since I've been this bashful about what
I like.  (Image from the awesome movie, Latter Days.)

The dream quickly fell apart and I woke up shortly after that, which was both comforting and unsatisfying.  I'm not sure what my unconscious mind was playing at, other than trying to play out the conflicted feelings I'm experiencing over the guy in my waking life.  I guess there's a part of me that still wishes things could be different so Pianoman and I could get back together again.  I suppose it's also unconscious mind's way of sorting through what exactly would have to be different, as that seemed to be a lot of what the lead-in to the actual sexual part was about.  For example, one of the reasons my dream self allowed things to proceed was that dream Pianoman had taken the initiative and put in the effort to seek me out, as opposed to trying to find me when it was convenient.  Then there's the position we took in our play (one that I love, but one that I've never experienced with the real Pianoman).

As I think about it, I think I'm wrong about one thing.  I don't think my mind is so much looking for excuses to say yes to Pianoman or to seek out the reasons I'm saying no to change him.  I think my mind is trying to understand why I'm telling Pianoman no so that I can better understand what to look for in the next guy I consider telling yes.

That realization makes me feel far more comfortable about having a dream -- especially a sexual one -- about a guy I know I have no future with.

I turned down WHAT?!?!

Today, Pianoman contacted me, expressing interest in getting together for sex again.  He actually came right out and asked if I was interested, which is more direct than he often is.  It was a pleasant change.  Now, as I've mentioned before, I'm really having second thoughts about fooling around with Pianoman, and I pretty much "forgot" to solidify our plans the last time we talked about getting together.

The thing is, Pianoman is a great guy.  He didn't deserve to have me do that to him a second time, especially since I felt weird about doing it to him the first time.  So I decided to be more direct and honest with him this time:

i'm not sure. I have fun with you, but i'm at the point where i'm starting to want sonething more serious, regular, and committed....and i'm pretty sure you're not at at a place in your life where thats what you want or could give.^[1]

I haven't gotten a response back from him since then, so I'm guessing I've judged correctly where he is in his life.  Which means it's definitely time for me to say, "I love having sex with you, but I want more than sex.  And that means finding someone else.  I wish you the best."

Which I admit is not easy to do because, hey, it was really good sex!  But alas, it's time to move on.  Next, I'll work on moving on without whining about turning down really good sex.  That's gonna take a while, though.

I don't care how good you are with
these, you still can't fix people.

Though in many way's I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud of how I handled Pianoman and I'm (mostly) proud of how I'm handling the whole thing with Sweet Cynic.  You see, in the past, I would've looked at each (or both) of them and decided that the things that make them unsuitable boyfriends for myself are things that I could fix.  I'd start trying to get Pianoman to get his life in order so that he could make concrete plans toward a serious commitment.  I'd start trying to get Sweet Cynic to open up while sober and be more genuine.  I'd try to get both of them to do whatever I could think of to fix what I perceive to be wrong.

In short, I'd run myself ragged, get nowhere, and piss them all of in the process.  And I'd have nothing positive to show for the experience.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

But now, I see can foresee the ugly end result of that endeavor, acknowledge that it's not what I want, and make a different choice.  I'll find someone who is already capable of fulfilling my needs, prepared to do so, and looking forward to the opportunity instead.

Don't get me wrong, it's tempting.  But so is settling.  And I refuse to keep making either of those mistakes and hoping for better results.  I've played that game too many times.  The deck isn't just stacked against me.  I'm convinced all winning hands were removed from the deck in that game.

---

^[1]This is a direct quote of the message I typed in using my phone.  When I'm on my phone, I often dispense with capitalization, apostrophes, and other minor grammar and spelling rules as minor annoyances.

I've played the Pianoman and we both liked it

Well, it looks like I went silent again!  Fortunately, this silence only lasted for about four days, and it totally understandable, given my busy weekend and otherwise crazy life.  Besides, I'm consciously not setting a schedule for this blog beyond "I'll try to post at least once a week."  And I'm willing to even cut myself some slack if an emergency comes up, I'm too busy to blog, I'm too depressed, or I just get a wild hair on my ass.

Not synonyms, but often intersecting

At some point, I want to write about a few things from the weekend.  In fact, that's what I was originally planning on writing about tonight.  Then Pianoman (the score card has been updated) contacted me tonight, taking my thoughts and my writing in a different direction.

I first met Pianoman on an online dating/hookup site back in the Spring of 2010.  I had just been put through the emotional ringer by another young man, Sodomy Badge, and I was tired of trying to make romantic relationships work only to get hurt, so I decided it was time to be the stereotypical slut (my friends laugh at this, as my experimentation left me with less total sexual partners in my entire history than some of them have had in a month) that the anti-gay crowd assumes all us gay men are.  Pianoman was young, horny, and all too happy to help me out in that arrangement.  We got together, and had a pretty good time.

That's putting it mildly.  I'll say up front that Pianoman was the first guy I was ever with that had any sexual experience to speak of and it showed.  He turned sex into something that was somewhat enjoyable into something that left me going, "Oh god, how long before you can do that again?!?!"

Since then, Pianoman and I have gotten together on various occasions.  We've never been regular fuck buddies and certainly not friends with benefits.  Truth be told, I don't think Pianoman is all that into me other than as a source of sexual fulfillment when he needs me.  And that was fine when things started out.  I was looking for pure sex.  He was looking for pure sex.  We got together when we both (well, mostly he, as I was usually long past desperate by the time he came calling) were in the mood and could make our schedules work.  And of course, in between, I dated and fooled around with other guys.  I assume he did the same.

Be thankful it's only two symbols intertwined.

Tonight, he contacted me looking for another chance to fool around.  I'm not sure I'm all that interested.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still find him incredibly attractive.  I know the sex with him would be phenomenal, and phenomenal sex sounds quite tempting right now.

But to be honest, no strings attached sex just isn't as appealing to me now as it was the last couple years.  I'd like a few strings attached.  I'd like something regular, to bend over for someone, let him do his thing, get my own pleasure, and kiss him at the end, knowing that I'll see him again in a week, a few days, or whenever.  And that's something I know I'm not going to get with Pianoman.  He's still young.  He's still undecided on what he's looking for in life.  In short, he's still fooling around while he makes up his mind.  And while I totally get that and respect it, I'm not sure I'm down with being the guy he does that with anymore.

What's really interesting to me is my thought processes on this.  I'm thinking about turning him down.  Sure, I set a tentative arrangement for Saturday, but I'm reminding myself that I can and should cancel if something else comes up -- or someone more serious comes along -- between now and then.  Hell, I'm telling myself I should cancel if I just wake up and decide I don't feel like no-strings sex that day -- even if it's the only option for sex I have.  (And I'll admit that's the only reason I didn't tell him no outright, I want to hold on to that option for right now.  Not sure what that says about me....)

In the past, I would've tried to figure out a way to make him like me as more than an occasional sex partner.  I would've tried to figure out how to get him to love me.  I would've held on desperately.  But like I realized with Rumor Queen (the ex formerly known as Snuggly Bear), that sort of effort just isn't worth it.  Surely there are guys out there that would love for a serious, regular, committed, and even romantic relationship with me, and I'd be better off trying to find one of them rather than trying to force Pianoman into being one.