I'd like a man who…

…is funny
...is compassionate
...is attentive
...is playful
...is somewhat sexually aggressive
...knows how to be tender when it's more appropriate
...loves animals
...is at least tolerant if not completely supportive of how indulgent I am of Hellcat
...has interests that he cares about
...cares about other people and their problems
...is helpful when it's appropriate
...is a good listener
...has a great sense of humor
...likes to dance
...loves to cuddle
...is a top (obviously)
...is open to new experiences
...enjoys suggesting new experiences
...supports me in my dreams
...encourages me
...enjoys touching

Stealing an idea from JF

(Notice:  Frank sex talk ahead.)

Yesterday, JF wrote a great blog post considering what kind of lover his is.  Be sure to check out his list.  Then consider applying for the position of his lover, because I'm convinced he's going to make some guy damn lucky.

I want to springboard off of JF's list and consider not what kind of a lover I am, but what I'm looking for right now in terms of a relationship.  It's something that's changed over the years, and I think it'll continue to change as I grow and change.

Of course, growing up, I wanted the perfect lifelong relationship.  In reality, I still want that someday.  It's just a much more long term goal.  But in my teens (okay, back then I thought I wanted all that with a girl because that's what I was taught I was supposed to want) and twenties, it's all I would consider.  Every relationship I considered, even every potential date, was filtered through the mindset of "Is this the one???"

In many ways, I think that was harmful to me and my attempts to build friendships and relationships.  It became a sort of desperation that I suspect drove more than one guy away.

After that, I went through what I jokingly (to some friends' amusement) refer to as "my slut phase."  At that point, I was tired of trying for romance and getting incredibly hurt.  I wanted to just go out and have sex.  And I did.  I hooked up.  I met guys out and we went back to one of our places.  I even arranged to meet at one of our places without first meeting in public.  It was a fun time and I certainly enjoyed the sex.

Eventually though, I began to miss the emotional connection and intimacy.  I also started getting the sense that I was more than just an ass for the other guy to stick his cock into, which left me unhappy.  I didn't need to be the other guys "one and only love," but I wanted to matter as a person rather than being seen as an interchangeable part or the latest masturbatory aid.

So now I'm looking for that middle ground.  I want that relationship where I get along with a guy, we have a great time together -- both in and out of the bedroom -- and just seem to mesh well.  I want a relationship where we can talk, plan, work out differences where possible and accept them where it's not possible.  And yeah, if it lasts till death do us part, that's great.  But if it just lasts a couple of months while making them fantastic and enjoyable months, I'm good with that too.

Some lessons are ongoing

Finding that picture of Stockboy (damn, I might have to add him tot he score card if I'm going to keep talking about him) got me strolling down memory lane quite a bit the past few days.  It occurred to me that my relationship with Stockboy was the beginning^[1] of a journey of healing for me.

Stockboy was my second boyfriend.  Before then, I had only ever been with Satyr Boi, an expereince that could best be described a train-wreck of a six month relationship in which I was emotionally entangled with someone who didn't know how to deal with his emotions and only showed any hint of caring about others through sex.  There's a certain sense of irony in the fact that I went from that disaster into a four year relationship in which the most physically intimate thing that Stockboy and I ever did was kiss each other on the cheek (and that only happened twice).

While I certainly would not want to be in such a non-physical, non-sexual relationship for so long now, that relationship worked wonders for me back then.  It helped me to start breaking down the cycle in which I confused love and sex and assumed that the absence of the latter automatically meant the absence of the former.  Being with Stockboy meant teaching myself to see signs of love and affection as they were expressed through other acts.  It broadened my horizons.

At a higher level, that relationship also taught me a lot about self-reflection and self-evaluation.  I learned to look at my behaviors and the underlying thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that motivated them.  I learned to see relationships as being as much about the process of personal growth as it is about finding true love or being with someone else.  In effect, it was that four year relationship that taught me to audit myself -- in a self-reaffirming and constructive manner rather than a self-denigrated one -- and see where I needed to change.  It's a lesson that I've sought to bring forward with me into my relationships ever since then.

Oh sure, I haven't done a perfect job.  On some days, I'm tempted to look at my subsequent entanglements with Sodomy Badge and Hot Pants and ask if I really learned anything from being with Stockboy.  On my better days, I know I did.  Even in those messed up relationships, my self-reflection process was going on.  There were things wrong in both of those relationships and I knew the problems existed at the time.  I simply chose to ignore them.  More often, I chose to make excuses.  "Well, yeah, I know Sodomy Badge is being selfish and mean at times, but it's because he's scared and lived a sheltered life."  "Well, yeah, Hot Pants is behaving horribly, but he's acting out from his painful past."

In those moments, I realize that the process that started with Stockboy simply hadn't completed by the time I got involved with others (and likely still hasn't).  I hadn't audited myself to the point where I realized that I made too many excuses for others or why I was doing it.  Those are the lessons I learned after going through those relationships, thereby continuing those lessons.

---

^[1]Actually, the journey probably started with a single event that took place in my life about three years before meeting Stockboy, but that may be a story for another day.  For now, we'll pretend that the story starts with him.

Finding an Old Photo

Last night, I was sorting through my collection of journals, trying to find an unused one.  As I was checking each journal, a photograph fell out of one.  I glanced at it and I realized it was of a former boyfriend from several years ago -- before I moved to my current city.  For this post, I'll refer to this guy as Stockboy.  As I glanced at Stockboy's picture, I was somewhat surprised by my rather unemotional and matter-of-fact response to finding it:

Oh, it's a picture of Stockboy.  I wonder if I should keep it or throw it away.

I honestly wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the picture, which I found somewhat surprising.  You see, I didn't feel any desire to keep the picture.  My relationship with him is long over -- by slightly more than seven years -- and in the past.  I have no desire to resurrect or relive that past.  I don't have the slightest desire to seek him out and reconnect.  I could go the rest of my life without really thinking of him or my relationship with him and find it perfectly fulfilling life.

At the same time, I had no major desire or need to get rid of the picture.  I have no compulsion to keep Stockboy out of his life or bury lingering pains -- there are no such pains with regards to him -- by repressing memories of him or our time together.  I can -- and occasionally do -- talk about times I spent with him very matter-of-factly as experiences that contribute to who I am and how I got to whre I am.

In the end, I decided to toss the picture.  Since I had no desire to hold on to the picture and no need to cast it from my life, I took a practical approach to the question.  Since I don't need or absolutely love the picture, it's effectively clutter, something I have way too much in my life.  So I tossed the picture as something I don't need.

Besides, the memories are still there in the depths of my psyche.  I don't need a picture to access them.  Their presence there is a good thing.  They may surface from time to time of their own accord.  Or I may never think of them at all.  Either way, it's okay with me.  It's a part of my past I've made peace with, and that's all that matters.

Promising conversations

I've been talking to a new guy online the past couple of evenings.  On Monday, he contacted me out of the blue and started up a conversation.  It's been going pretty well.  Have you ever had one of those connections with someone where the conversation floats easily and freely from talking about family to dinner plans to sexual fantasies to movies?  That's what our conversations have been like.

Something like this would be nice.

Granted, there's been a lot of talk about sexual fantasies.  The thing is, the two of us seem to be quite compatible in that department, we have many complementary interests and are each open to the things the other is into even when it's not something we already share in common.  So the moment of truth will come this weekend, which is likely the first time we will meet in person.  (Yes, Colorful is probably going to get his freak on the first meeting.  I'd say shame on me, but I have no shame.)

I'll admit that this is a nice relief for me, as this guy actually seems to be genuinely interested in me, as opposed to "whoever is available."  Given the tendency I've had for running into guys who are better described as seeing me as merely "a convenient piece of ass," it's a nice change.  It will also speak to some of my recent frustrations.

I've been turning down a lot of those other guys lately.  I've been saying "No" a lot.  And while I'm convinced that each time I made the right choice by saying "no," it doesn't change the fact that it also means that I've been letting certain needs I have go unanswered.  And when I don't see any better options -- options in the form of guys and attention I know I want and deserve -- it gets pretty frightening to hold onto my resolve rather than settling and getting whatever I can.

I don't know what will happen with this new guy.  For all I know, things will fall through and we won't be able to meet.  If we do meet, it could end up being a one-time thing.  Or it could be a whirlwind relationship, or something that will last longer.  All I know right now is that it's something better, something that gives me hope for something better.  And just allowing me that bit of hope -- even if it proves not to be totally founded -- makes this experience a welcome one.

Checkup, Part 3: Denial and Excuses

Continuing on with my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2), I'm now looking at the denial characteristics that I felt fit me back in early 2011:

• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening
• pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are
• tell themselves things will be better tomorrow
• get confused
• overeat
• watch problems get worse
• believe lies
• lie to themselves 
• wonder why they feel like they're going crazy

This is one of those areas where I particularly feel like I've come a long way.  When I was with Rumor Queen earlier this year, I saw the problems in our relationship.  I didn't try to deny that they existed.  I didn't make excuses for his choices that were hurting me and sabotaging our relationship.  I acknowledged them and eventually acted on them.  Furthermore, I acted on them by accepting that they were there and that there was no way I was going to make them go away, and I walked away as a result.

No more doing this!

Granted, it might have been better if I had walked away sooner, rather than keeping the relationship going for nearly a full month.  However, I felt I needed to give Rumor Queen time to fix the issues rather than immediately dumping him.  Perhaps I gave too much time, but that's something that I can perfect in future relationships (assuming my next relationship isn't phenomenal and lasts till death do us part).  After all, I'm not looking for perfection here, but progress.

Plus even while giving him a chance to fix things, I made it clear that he needed to fix things.  When he ignored me to feed one of his obsessions or get involved in someone else's drama, I made it perfectly clear that it was not cool that he did so and that I was unhappy about it.

When I was in similar situations with Hot Pants, back before I went to therapy, I was much more inclined to make excuses for him.  "Oh, it's because of his bad family life."  "Oh, it's because of past abusive relationships."  Sure, I got angry with Hot Pants too and even made my anger and displeasure known.  But in the end, I'd eventually suck it up, stay with him, and make excuses for him.  Not so with Rumor Queen.

In general, I think I'm more willing to see people and situations as they really are.  In a lot of ways, I think it's because I'm less willing to settle for just anything, whether we're talking about romantic relationships or friendships.  I've come to accept that I'm a quality guy who deserves quality people in his life.  What's more, if someone is not being a quality friend (or lover), I'm far more willing to call them out or even just drop them if I don't think calling them out will do any good.

No LDR's for me

Today, a young man from a Midwestern state contacted me on a social networking site, asking if I'd like to chat.  Me being a friendly guy who like chatting -- especially with young, good-looking guys -- I said sure. We had a pleasant conversation right up until the point if he asked if I'm okay with long-distance relationships.  I told him that I'm not interested in that sort of thing.

It's hard to have this when you're
separated by multiple state lines.

Personally, I don't get the concept of getting into a long-distance relationship anymore.  I can certainly understand toughing it out if an established and stable relationship has to turn into a long distance relationship, say if one person in the relationship has to go on an extended trip for work or the couple is planning a move, but one has to move first while the other one stays behind to take care of business.  In those and similar situations, it makes sense to try and keep the relationship together until those in love can be reunited.  But notice that even in those circumstances, I would only think this if there was the understanding that the long-distance aspect of the relationship was temporary.

You see, the physical side of a relationship is just too important to me.  If I'm in love and involved with a guy, I expect and want us to be close enough that we can spend a significant amount of time holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and making love.  I expect us to be able to fall asleep laying next to each other -- possibly even holding each other -- if not every night, then multiple times a week.  Yes, there's more to a relationship than physical intimacy and sex.  There's common interests, communication, common goals, mutual support, and several other things.  But the physical intimacy and sex is an important and integral part, too.  And that's something I want and need on a regular basis, not just when the two of us can arrange to get to the same state, let alone the same city.

I think this is especially true when a relationship is just starting.  I've come to realize that the kind of physical closeness -- and yes, even sexual closeness and intimacy -- are important components in the process of building a developing relationship.  So I can't imagine limiting my ability to engage in that process more fully by "dating" someone who is hundreds of miles away from me.

I admit though, that I was more open to the idea when I was in my early twenties, just a bit older than this guy.  I don't know if my own experiences translate to him -- and don't wish to suggest they necessarily do -- but I know that for me, it was a matter of being somewhat desperate to find a guy to love.  I had just come out to myself and my friends and moved back to a very rural area.  There weren't a lot of openly gay guys and even less decent venues to find them anyway.  So I'd often meet guys from other places -- some of them hundreds of miles away -- and would want to get into a long-distance relationship with them.  I figured I didn't have any local prospects and -- to be honest -- I was a little desperate.

Of course, at the time, I also had this pie in the sky notion that if things worked really well, I could just move to wherever the guy in question lived.  This was at a time in my life when, as I've noted before, I was much more willing to quickly uproot myself for a guy.  To the point where with some of the guys, I would've moved if they asked me, as I had already convinced myself (way too soon, I admit in hindsight) that things would definitely work out.

Fortunately, I've grown a bit wiser and a bit more careful since then.  I'm not quite so willing to jump in and commit to something under an initial sense of euphoria, convincing myself that it will last.  These days, I want to build things more slowly and know that's the right thing to do.  So I'm not willing to jump into a long-distance relationship because the ability to build those up is severely limited.  I suppose you could say I'm not that patient.

What dreams may cum

Content Notice:  Frank sexual talk ahead.

Last night, I had a dream about Pianoman.  This isn't entirely surprising, I suppose, as he and I have been talking online the past week or so.  I think he's hoping to get back together with me for some more fun. Unfortunately, I'm still not that interested in going there again.  At least most of me isn't interested in going there again.  I will admit that it's been long enough since I've been with another guy, the temptation to say yes just for the sheer pleasure of having another guy inside of me is pretty strong.

Apparently, my unconscious mind is on the "come on, it would feel good" side of the argument, though I'm pleased to note that even my dream self was hesitant and had its reservations.  But in my dream, Pianoman showed up at my home (actually, I think it was my parents' home, which was a bit strange) and we got talking.  He made the first move and started trying to talk me into sucking him off.  So my dream self decided that this sounded like fun -- and that despite my reservations, I really needed it.  So we ended up getting naked and I laid down on the couch in front of the picture window (the couch and window were the clues that this was my parents' home) and he straddled my chest and started feeding me his still-soft member.  (Note to my unconscious mind:  If you're going to put Pianoman in my dreams, please get the important details right.  Even soft, he's a lot bigger than you portrayed him.  I should've been gagging in that position.)

It's been a long time since I've been this bashful about what
I like.  (Image from the awesome movie, Latter Days.)

The dream quickly fell apart and I woke up shortly after that, which was both comforting and unsatisfying.  I'm not sure what my unconscious mind was playing at, other than trying to play out the conflicted feelings I'm experiencing over the guy in my waking life.  I guess there's a part of me that still wishes things could be different so Pianoman and I could get back together again.  I suppose it's also unconscious mind's way of sorting through what exactly would have to be different, as that seemed to be a lot of what the lead-in to the actual sexual part was about.  For example, one of the reasons my dream self allowed things to proceed was that dream Pianoman had taken the initiative and put in the effort to seek me out, as opposed to trying to find me when it was convenient.  Then there's the position we took in our play (one that I love, but one that I've never experienced with the real Pianoman).

As I think about it, I think I'm wrong about one thing.  I don't think my mind is so much looking for excuses to say yes to Pianoman or to seek out the reasons I'm saying no to change him.  I think my mind is trying to understand why I'm telling Pianoman no so that I can better understand what to look for in the next guy I consider telling yes.

That realization makes me feel far more comfortable about having a dream -- especially a sexual one -- about a guy I know I have no future with.

I could, but I won't.

Every now and then, I like to check out the trending hashtags on Twitter and see if I want to participate in them.  I figure it's a way to meet new people, possibly get new followers on Twitter, and even get readers on the blog.  Plus it can be fun.

Hey, I might go down
the wrong path, but at least
it'll be the path I picked.

The other day, I ran across the then-trending hashtag #ICantDateYou.  It seemed like a fun hashtag at first glance, and there were both silly contributions and more serious ones.  So I sat down and tried to think of what contributions that I might offer that were silly, witty, insightful, or some combination thereof.  But I started running into a problem in my mind.  I had a problem with the hashtag and its implications.  So finally, I offered my only contribution:

#ICantDateYou because...oh let's be more honest than that.  I CAN.  I just WON'T.  #OwningMyChoices

To some, that may seem like a nitpicky semantic difference.  To me, however, that difference means the difference between feeling like a passive observer in my own life and a decisive actor who steers my own course.

Truth be told, I can date a guy who isn't over his ex.  I can date a guy who doesn't like to kiss.  I can date a guy who will do anything to stay in the closet, even if it means acting in ways that are to my detriment.

I just don't want to.

And to be honest, I want that to be very clear to each and every one of those guys.  I don't want them to think that I really wan to be with them and I just need them to change something to accommodate me.  That sort of phrasing puts me at their mercy, and I don't want that either.  I don't want to be their helpless pawn who needs them to change.

And I make that clear by saying, "I don't want this."  It makes it clear that I know what I can do, but more importantly, I know what I will do.  It says that I am not only prepared to walk away from their nonsense, their baggage, and their choices that hurt and disrespect me, but I will do so with my head held high.

There is power in owning my choices.  There is power in saying, "Yeah, I could do that, but there's no way in hell I'm going to.  I value myself too much for that."

Bi guys are cool

After writing about my first lover last night and reading this post by JF today, I've been thinking a bit about the topic of bisexuality.  I'm one of those (seemingly rare) gay men that have no problems believing that some guys are honestly attracted to both men and women.  I don't think that all guys who claim to be bisexual are "unwilling to come out all the way," "sitting on the fence," or some other nonsense.  Sure, I'm 100% gay and the thought of becoming physically or sexually intimate with a woman leaves me feeling cold and a little weirded out, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that every guy -- or even every non-heterosexual guy -- is just like me.  People are diverse in a lot of ways, and in that way, bisexuality makes a lot of sense to me.

I also have no problems dating a bisexual guy, which is a good thing, considering that three out of the five guys I've officially dated (we won't talk about the one-nighters and the hot messes that never quite got to the state of actually dating) were bi.  I've found that by and large, bi guys are much like gay guys.  They're either into you or they're not.  Who else they are into really isn't an issue.  Yes, I prefer monogamy and I make that up front.  But let's be honest, bisexual guys don't have a monopoly on non-monogamy.  Plenty of gay guys like to have multiple partners and relationships.  And I wish those gay guys -- and like minded bisexual guys, for that matter -- the best in pursuing what makes them happy.  But we're looking for different things and I hope they can respect that.

The other issue I hear many gay guys express is concern -- and honestly, I think there's sometimes a certain amount of resentment behind it -- that a bisexual guy will decide to abandon a guy when the going gets tough and get involved with a woman so they can blend in.  I don't think that's giving bisexual guys enough credit, personally.  I'd like to think that if a bisexual guy gets to know me and has feelings for me, he'll decide that I'm worth the troubles that come with sticking in a relationship with me.  To automatically assume he would do otherwise would involve me making judgments abut his character based on nothing but my personal prejudices.

The thing is, what those gay guys fear is not the guy's bisexuality, but the fear that he's still in the closet.  Having dated a few closet cases^[1] (and yes, two of them were bi), I can certainly understand the feeling to a degree.  After all, it's hard to build a relationship with someone who's unwilling to be seen with you or claim his love for you.

 But again, this is a problem that is neither exclusive to nor universal to bisexual guys.  I've known brave bi guys who were ready to face whatever comes for a guy he loves and believes in.  I've met gay guys who were total closet cases.  It's not a sexual orientation thing.  It's a failure to live courageously thing.

To be honest, I think a lot of gay guys who assume bi guys will turn tail and head for the closet and a woman at the first sign of trouble are engaging in a bit of projection.  I suspect that they assume this because there's a part of them that knows that if they had that option and could make it work, that's what they would do.  Like I said, I think there's a bit of resentment going on, because those guy guys know they don't have that option, but someone else might.

So yeah, bi or gay, I love all guys and give them all a chance.  If a guy is attractive, interested, able to commit,^[2] and willing to take a chance on me, that's good enough for me.

---

^[1]Let me be clear here.  Not every guy in the closet is a closet case.  There are guys who are in the closet for very good reason.  A younger guy who decides not to come out of the closet to his parents until he no longer needs their financial support is making a smart decision.  A guy who tends to not talk about his life love and/or change pronouns when talking about his partner at work so a homophobic boss doesn't fire him or make his work environment miserable.

Closet cases are those guys who are so deep in the closet and so paranoid that their cover will be blown that their behavior begins to negatively impact others in their lives.  The financially independent guy who still refuses to spend holidays with his boyfriend of five years because family doesn't know is a closet case.  The guy who pulls away from any sort of physical affection despite the fact that he's surrounded by total strangers "just in case someone he knows sees him" is a closet case.

^[2]When the time comes.  I don't expect to discuss China patterns until at least the tenth date.^[3]  ;)

^[3]And I don't count the number of dates, either.

The problem with problem solving

It's been a while.  I had a fun but somewhat rough weekend.  I did a bit of exercising -- more rigorous exercise then I've done lately -- on Saturday and it really threw my entire system out of whack.  I've been sore and coughing since, though I think I'm finally on the mend.  I did, however, decide to take a (unpaid unfortunately) sick day today to help speed up the last bit of the recovery.

Work is somewhat slow right now.  We're somewhat between phases of my current project, which means the amount of work I can actually do right now is somewhat limited.  That leads to long days of trying to make small amounts of work stretch as far as I can and look busy the rest of the time.  I hate not having anything to do at work, and not just because I worry that someone in management will begin to wonder what they are paying me for (though that doesn't help either).  If I'm going to be sitting at my desk at work, I want to be accomplishing something.  Or learning something.  Or facing a challenge.

Okay, puzzles are one "problem" I hate solving!

Learning and facing challenges is one of the reasons I went into my line of work.  It involves a lot of problem solving, figuring out what needs to be done, determining the best way to accomplish it, and organizing everything to do so in an efficient manner.  It's a job that centers around one of my favorite questions:  "How can I make this work?"

Of course, that's a great question and pursuit in a highly technical career where everything is under your control.  It's not such a great question or pursuit when dealing with relationships, friendships, or other situations where everything is not under your control, something I also used to do.  Often a huge factor in my codependency was that no matter what the relationship problem was, I was sure I could fix it.  Even if the problem was with the other guy, such as a vice, and he didn't want to change, I figured there was always a way to get him to change.  I'd find the magic (usually manipulative) formula that would get him to see that I was right so that we could get over the obstacle and work things into the perfect relationship I knew I can and should have.

The thing is, people aren't like machines.  There's no magic code that gets them to do exactly what you want -- and as I think about it, I wouldn't want there to be.  They have a mind and will of their own, and they're bound to exercise both.  So I've had to learn that not all relationship problems can be solved and in that domain, there really are obstacles that I can't overcome.

It never occurred to me until now, however, how the problem-solving nature of my career might have contributed to my previous approach to relationships.  It makes me wonder if there are other ways my work has influenced the way I interact with people and approach relationships.

I turned down WHAT?!?!

Today, Pianoman contacted me, expressing interest in getting together for sex again.  He actually came right out and asked if I was interested, which is more direct than he often is.  It was a pleasant change.  Now, as I've mentioned before, I'm really having second thoughts about fooling around with Pianoman, and I pretty much "forgot" to solidify our plans the last time we talked about getting together.

The thing is, Pianoman is a great guy.  He didn't deserve to have me do that to him a second time, especially since I felt weird about doing it to him the first time.  So I decided to be more direct and honest with him this time:

i'm not sure. I have fun with you, but i'm at the point where i'm starting to want sonething more serious, regular, and committed....and i'm pretty sure you're not at at a place in your life where thats what you want or could give.^[1]

I haven't gotten a response back from him since then, so I'm guessing I've judged correctly where he is in his life.  Which means it's definitely time for me to say, "I love having sex with you, but I want more than sex.  And that means finding someone else.  I wish you the best."

Which I admit is not easy to do because, hey, it was really good sex!  But alas, it's time to move on.  Next, I'll work on moving on without whining about turning down really good sex.  That's gonna take a while, though.

I don't care how good you are with
these, you still can't fix people.

Though in many way's I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud of how I handled Pianoman and I'm (mostly) proud of how I'm handling the whole thing with Sweet Cynic.  You see, in the past, I would've looked at each (or both) of them and decided that the things that make them unsuitable boyfriends for myself are things that I could fix.  I'd start trying to get Pianoman to get his life in order so that he could make concrete plans toward a serious commitment.  I'd start trying to get Sweet Cynic to open up while sober and be more genuine.  I'd try to get both of them to do whatever I could think of to fix what I perceive to be wrong.

In short, I'd run myself ragged, get nowhere, and piss them all of in the process.  And I'd have nothing positive to show for the experience.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

But now, I see can foresee the ugly end result of that endeavor, acknowledge that it's not what I want, and make a different choice.  I'll find someone who is already capable of fulfilling my needs, prepared to do so, and looking forward to the opportunity instead.

Don't get me wrong, it's tempting.  But so is settling.  And I refuse to keep making either of those mistakes and hoping for better results.  I've played that game too many times.  The deck isn't just stacked against me.  I'm convinced all winning hands were removed from the deck in that game.

---

^[1]This is a direct quote of the message I typed in using my phone.  When I'm on my phone, I often dispense with capitalization, apostrophes, and other minor grammar and spelling rules as minor annoyances.

Sweet Cynic throws me for a loop

It's funny.  I go through a few days where I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to blog about.  Then a 24 hour period hits and suddenly I have a ton of things on my mind that I can and want to write about.  Rather than flooding my blog with a bunch of posts in a matter of a couple hours, I'm going to start scheduling them over the next day or two.

When I started my last post, I actually planned on writing about my experiences with Sweet Cynic on Friday night (well, early Saturday morning).  But the whole thing with Rumor Queen came to mind and I got off on a tangent.  Funny how that happens, isn't it?

As I mentioned briefly, Sweet Cynic and Rumor Queen used to live together.  In fact, they were roommates back when I tried dating Rumor Queen.  At the time, Rumor Queen was constantly worried that I would decide to leave him in order to date Sweet Cynic instead.^[1]

The thing is, I think Sweet Cynic is cute.  In some ways, I suppose I'm attracted to him.  But there were -- and likely still are -- things that keep me from considering him a serious option for love, which is admittedly a little frustrating.  The thing with Sweet Cynic is that he tends to be prickly and it's hard to get close to him.

If you need a couple of these to open up
to someone, please consider talking
to someone about it.

Well, unless he's been drinking.  Then he'll pour his heart out to you and tell you all kinds of things.  It's happened a number of times when we've been out together over the past couple of months.  In that sense, I kind of like Sweet Cynic when he's been drinking, because he tends to let his guard down and seems more open, honest, and vulnerable.  (Granted, he also tends to get very handsy and can be something of a belligerent ass, so keeping him drunk is not a good idea, either.)  But let's face it, why would I want someone who I have to ply with alcohol to have a sincere and authentic conversation with?

Well, Friday night got very interesting, as I got ready to leave Home Bar.  He started telling me how he has feelings for me and is pretty sure that I'm attracted to him, too.  He got quite worked up over it.  I stood there trying very hard not to get into an argument, but remaining non-committal.  After all, I wasn't convinced that I'd be hearing the same story come Saturday morning once he had a good night's sleep and was sober again.

I will admit, we did end up fooling around a bit.  He ended up kissing me and we made out.  And, well, let's just say that I didn't extract my hand all that quickly when he took it and shoved them down the front of his shorts.^[2] What can I say?  I enjoyed myself.

So we talked a lot before I dropped him off at home and went back to my own place to sleep and see what the next day would bring.  And the next day brought...pretty much what I expected.  He never said anything about Friday night (well, other than saying that drinking so much was a huge mistake).  And he started talking about problems he's been having with other guys.  It's as if he doesn't even remember anything he said or did.  And that's almost more frustrating than the whole "well, I'm sure it's just because he's drunk thing."  It's now a "did he only do it because he was too drunk to even remember" thing.

Granted, I know it's just as well that I don't get involved with Sweet Cynic.  As  I said, he's hard to get close to.  And considering I've watched him (again, drunkenly) proclaim various guys to be the best he's ever met one day only to announce that he found some horrible flaw with them and wants nothing to do with them less than a week later, I know I'm better off.^[3]  But all the same, the whole experience threw me for something of a loop.

Plus it's a shame....In addition to being good looking and somewhat fun to hang out with, he has a pretty nice package...

---

^[1]As a side rant, let me make one thing perfectly clear:  I am loyal and I never dump a guy for another guy.  It's not my style, and I think that people who play that game will eventually get burned -- which they so richly deserve.

If I leave a guy, it's because there's something wrong with our relationship.  Yes, that might mean that I'll find a guy pretty quickly after that -- hell, I won't even deny that I was already chatting up another guy (that one didn't go anywhere) before I officially told Rumor Queen that we were over.  But if I had been happy with the way things were going with Rumor Queen -- or even had a sense that he was willing to do the necessary work to fix things -- I would still be with him.  There's a difference between looking for someone different because you're not happy with your current relationship and constantly being on the look for a chance to "upgrade."  Guys (and women, for that matter) would do well to make sure they grasp that difference.

^[2]And no, contrary to what Rumor Queen might think, it doesn't mean I left him for Sweetly Cynic.  All of this happened two months after he and I broke up -- which is twice as long as we were together in the first place.

^[3]Though I admit that my twisted side does wonder what my "fatal flaw" would end up being.

Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.

I'm already happy, but I still want a boyfriend.

The following tweet came across my timeline today:

Don't place your happiness in someone else's hands, because once they're gone, so is your happiness.

Yes, I even find happiness
in rainbows.  I'm that gay.

I talk a lot about relationships and sex on this blog, and that's going to continue.  Because I'm a relationship-oriented guy with emotional and sexual needs.  I see no point in denying that fact or hiding it.  And if I talk about them a lot, it's because, quite frankly, those are the needs that are being met in my life the least at the moment.  I have platonic companionship.  I have familial connections.  I have the basic emotional support that I need as well as financial stability and a host of other needs that are well covered.  So it only makes sense that I focus a bit -- or even a lot -- more of my time on the needs that still need to be addressed more adequately.

But while I'm looking for companionship, emotional intimacy, romance, and mutual sexual fulfillment, I can't say as I'm really looking for happiness.  I have several other sources of happiness and consider myself to be a generally happy guy.  You know, beyond those instances of sadness that we all experience from time to time.  Emotions are funny like that.  They come and go and you can't stay in one emotional state all the time.  In fact, it's not healthy to even try.

I remember a few times when Rumor Queen's (now ex-)roommate would tell him that his primary job right now was "keeping Colorful happy."  His roommate meant well, as he was trying to stress to RQ that RQ had this tendency to put all kinds of things -- mostly drama and things that really didn't directly affect or did so only because RQ had this tendency to insert himself into others' problems.  Despite the roommate's best intentions, I always winced at that statement.  I didn't want Rumor Queen to "make" me happy.  For starters, that wasn't and is not in his power.  Second of all, that wasn't his responsibility.  My happiness was and is my own responsibility, and I draw from many sources to develop my sense of happiness.

I find happiness in writing.  I find happiness in watching a silly movie -- even movies that others might laugh at me for liking.  I find happiness in going for a walk and enjoying a beautiful day.  I find happiness in reading a good book.  I find happiness in overcoming a challenge at work.  I find happiness in joking around with friends.

I find happiness everywhere I look.  And if I can't find happiness, I find a way of creating it and introducing it into my circumstances.  (Again, those times when I just need to let my self-pity flag fly for a bit or have strong reasons to be said notwithstanding.)  The idea that Rumor Queen or any other boyfriend could replace all those sources of happiness is downright ludicrous.

Yes, I might also find happiness in spending time with a boyfriend, having a romantic dinner with him, cuddling on the couch with him, or having a wild night of lovemaking (or plain old sex) with him.  It's not like those are not enjoyable things as well.  But I think the key word there is "also."  A boyfriend can't and won't be my sole source of happiness.  That would amount to denying my own individuality and personhood.  It would turn me from being a boyfriend in return to being a parasite living off of and through him.  I don't want that.  (I've effectively tried it before, and it's no fun.)

So yes, I want a boyfriend.  It's on my mind a lot because it's something that represents my least met needs.  And having a boyfriend would probably add to my happiness.  But it can only add.  It cannot create my happiness, because I already have plenty to be happy about.

Plus, you know what one of the best things about having a boyfriend is?  Having someone you can share a lot of that other happiness with.

Advice for Shy Guys (Especially Tops)

Last night, I tweeted the following:

I'm an old-fashioned kind of gay guy. I think the top should make the first move.

It's something I feel pretty strongly about.  I'm the bottom (and more than a little submissive anyway).  I think the top should be more proactive in expressing interest in a guy like me if things are going to go anywhere.  That's not to say I won't show interest or initiate a bit of sensual fun at times, mind you.  I'm quite good at doing that and enjoying it.

But when it comes to actually getting the ball rolling -- especially in the early stages of the relationship and the pre-relationship phase -- I think the top should pursue, suggest I come over (or we get together or whatever).  I think he should either start the sensual touching at that point, or at the very least pick up my hand and put it where he wants it as a way of suggesting that it's time to do more than cuddle.

To be honest, part of this is simply because right now, I'm tired of making all the moves with the guys I've known.  It's left me wondering if any of them really want(ed) me that way, if they were really interested in me.  It's doubts and questions in my mind that could be alleviated simply by the other guy taking hte initiative and starting something.  In other words, it'd be nice if the other guy would make some effort and even take a little risk.

Because I get the impression that at least one of the guys is shy and nervous about making the first move.  I think he's even a little worried about things not working out or me rejecting him (though how he could think that at this point is beyond me).  And I totally get that.  I worry about those same things too.  All the time.

But at some point, a guy needs to get past that and take the chance anyway.  I know I have.  I've taken my risks.  So know it's the other guy's turn.  So any shy tops who are reading this, please take note.  If you don't take at least a little chance, the guy next to you may just decide you're not interested.  Or he may just decide it's not worth it if he has to put so much effort into drawing you out.  Either way, you could end up missing out on something great.  So consider gritting your teeth and getting your move on despite your fears and shyness.

Memories of a Former Friend

So the past couple nights, I've been having weird dreams about someone who used to be in my life, Hot Pants.[1]  I don't remember much about the dreams (I'm not sure that there was actually more than one), just that they featured Hot Pants in some way or another.  This has had the side effect, however, of causing me to think aboout him.  Thinking about Hot Pants is never a fun or desirable experience.

I haven't heard from him since back in March when I posted an ad on Craigslist[2] and he unwittingly responded to it.  Yep, at the time he had been in a relationship with another guy for three months at that point, had even been talking about what a great time he was having with this guy, and I caught him trying to cheat.  Not that this is a shocker, mind you.  Hot Pants cheats on guys he claims he "loves" almost as frequently as he lies.[3]

Before that, I hadn't talked to him since November, where I flat out told him that the only way I'd even consider giving him another chance as a friend was if he made a public confession of all his lies and games.  Of course, this was unacceptable to Hot Pants, as keeping people unaware of his web of deceit is central to his goal of using people at every opportunity, so he announced that I "wasn't even worth being an associate of."  Ouch.  Burn.  The narcissist and compulsive liar didn't want to be my friend anymore.  I cried for about thirteen nanoseconds and then got over it.

Besides, Hot Pants indirectly did one thing for me for which I will always be grateful.  He helped me reach the absolute low that I needed to hit to wake up, recognize my codependency, and get help for it.  In short, he's the reason I was only with Snuggly Bear for three and a half weeks rather than trying to hold onto a doomed relationship and drive myself to ruin trying to make things work out.

So perhaps it's not such a horrible thing to be thinking of Hot Pants right now.  Perhaps rather than revisiting how selfish he is and all the ways that he hurt me and fretting that he's still "under my skin," perhaps I can focus on that gratitude that through all his shit, I managed to start the healing and growing process.

Who knows, maybe I'll even raise a glass to Hot Pants and his rather unique way of helping me become a better person later this evening.  wouldn't that be a kicker?

Notes:
[1]  Good news!  The score card has been updated.

[2]  Yes, I do Craigslist and a few other "slutty" things from time to time.  I'm a human being.  I have needs.  I do what I feel will meet those needs.  Any questions?

[3]  Incidentally, that's why I gave him the code name "Hot Pants."

Broken Up, but not Broken-Hearted

It's been a while since I posted an update.  That's mainly because I was too busy running around with Snuggly Bear.  Sadly, I'm no longer running around with Snuggly Bear.  This is mainly because I broke up with Snuggly Bear last Saturday.  I am once again single.

In many ways, I'm okay with the break-up.  In many ways, I'm proud of the break-up.  Truth be told, the relationship wasn't going well, and it was becoming obvious that things in the relationship weren't going to improve, at least not unless I was willing to keep pushing, making threats, and otherwise make things progress through sheer force of will...and manipulation/coercion.

I just didn't need that, nor did I want it.  For starters, it would've required me to put way too much into the relationship than I really should have to.  Plus, you know, I don't want to go back to being maniipulative or coercive.  It'd be the Karpellian Drama Triangle all over again.  If I have to go back to that to keep a relationship going, then it's not a relationship worth trying to save.

In many ways, I'm proud of myself for acknowledging that truth and acting on it.  Even a year ago, I would have tried just about anything to keep things going, to try and make things work out.  I was that desperate.  So I'm patting myself on the back for saying, "No way, Jose" and moving on.

Granted, I'm also hurt.  I'm hurt that it came to that.  I'm hurt that Snuggly Bear seemed willing to keep the relationship going the way it was, even though I felt it was obvious that the relationship was going the way it was at my expense.  I'm a little hurt -- and sad for him -- that he seems willing to walk away from the relationship -- something he once claimed was the best thing that ever happened to him -- just so he can bury his head in the sand and avoid facing up to the hard work of making the changes that would have been necessary to make things healthy between us.

But as a good friend once told me, people don't change until the pain of remaining the same becomes too great to bear.  And it seems that Snuggly Bear can still withstand -- or avoid -- the pain remaining the same is causing him.  Unfortunately for him, I'm no longer to bear the pain it's causing me.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't think Snuggly Bear is a bad person.  But one things that my time in therapy taught me is that sometimes, it really should be about me.  I'm declaring this one of those times.

Learning to talk about myself

This post is inspired in part by this ongoing conversation about The Friend Zone.  Read the linked blog entry if you don't know what The Friend Zone is.  Read the linked blog entry if you do know what The Friend Zone is.  It's well worth reading, as are the comments.

I especially want to draw attention to the following statement by the commenter emilyperson:

Oh, and that you can't expect your object of affection to be interesting enough for both of you, so you should probably start contributing something to the conversation besides endless compliments.

This is something I've struggled with in the past.  Historically, I don't talk about myself much.  It's not that I don't think I have anything going on in my life.  It's not that I don't have opinions or interests.  I just historically haven't felt like the average person really would be interested in what I have to say or my life.

The reason for that is complex (though can basically be boiled down to "low self-esteem and codependency") and complicated.  Part of it has to do with the fact that I grew up in an environment that taught[1] me that I was supposed to show more interest in others than myself, that talking about myself (at all) was "bragging" and "being an insufferable egomaniac."

So as I developed friendships and relationships, my general attitude has been, "If the other person really wants to know about me and my interests, zie will ask."  It seems perfectly logical, really.  I spend time asking zir about zir life and interests and zie will do the same.

The problem is, that doesn't always work out in practice. I think part of that stems from the fact that a lot of people in my life simply aren't as curious as I am, nor have they developed the skill[2] or patience I have for drawing people out of their shells and sharing things about themselves.  In some ways, it's frustrating, as I feel people should want to get to know me better and put in a little extra effort to find out more about me.[3]

But in fairness to others, I've realized I don't exactly make it easy for others, either.  I don't volunteer a lot of information about others.  I tend to answer what questions people ask me with as short of answers as possible.  The result is that for someone to get to know me, zie practically has to put me through an interrogation process, winning any knowledge of me one tiny fragment of a time.

That's not "a little extra effort."  That's a monumental task.  If offered to Sisyphus was offered this as his new punishment in Tartarus, I suspect he might choose to stick with pushing his rock.

So I'm trying something different.[4]  I'm trying to be better about volunteering information.  I'm trying to answer questions in ways that volunteer more information than the basic answer to the question.  I'm trying to remember that if I mention someone in my life and I happen to have a picture of them in my phone or on Facebook, I should whip out my phone and show the picture.  And if there's a story behind the picture, I try to tell the story.

I'm not doing a perfect job yet, but hopefully it's doing more to show that I'm a real live person.

---

[1]I don't think that anyone meant to teach me these ideas.  If I spoke to my parents, teachers, or religious leaders that influenced me growing up about this, they'd probably be mortified that this is the message I perceived from them.

But that's the thing about childhood youth.  The lessons those in charge intended to teach and the message perceived by the young don't always look the same.

[2]  Granted, I'm not sure if it's skill so much as cosmic rays or some other strange phenomenon.  I've had far too many people tell me deeply personal things without five minutes of meeting me for the first time to say it's something I'm doing, at least not on a conscious level.

[3]  To some people's credit, they've done exactly that.  Sweet Waiter asked me a number of questions while we stood outside of Home Bar and chatted.

[4]  And as I have a new boyfriend, he gets to be one of my primary helps in this.

Rooted

Last night, I spent some time talking to a cool guy.  We really hit it off (something I'll talk about more in another post) and spent a lot of time flirting.  Alas, we also determined that we live more than hour hours away from each other.  That's not a total deal-breaker, and we're still going to talk and have even talked about the possibility of meeting.  But I do find myself wondering how much I should emotionally invest in things, given the distance.  After all, I'm not sure I'm interested in relocating for any guy (hey, I'll do it for the right guy, but he'd really have to be the right guy).  And of course, given that I'm not all that thrilled at the thought of moving for a guy, I really don't expect a guy to move for me (even though the likelihood of me being the right guy is pretty damn high).

This is actually rather interesting to me.  It's quite a development.  You see, less than a decade ago, I would've seriously considered moving for a guy if there seemed to be even a chance we would hit it off and fall in love.  Part of that is probably because back then I was (more) desperate.  However, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm established here now and have a sense of belonging.  In effect I have roots.

Now I have friends I don't want to leave.  I have a coven I don't want to walk away from.  I have responsibilities and people here who count on me and on whom I rely.  Walking away from all that for a guy would be something of a sacrifice.  But that's something I've developed over the past six to seven years.  I've made friends.  I've developed relationships.  In effect, I've put down roots and made a life for me here.

It's a bit of a surprise to fully realize this.  But I rather like it.