"Cybering isn't really my thing."

The title of this post is in quotes because I actually found myself uttering that phrase tonight.  A young -- and rather cute, I might add -- guy approached me and started talking sexually to me.  It was clear that he intended the conversation to turn into an alright wankfest of cybersex.  So I figured I best politely, yet firmly put the breaks on.

Granted, there was a time when I was into cybersex, much like there was a time I was open to long distance relationships.  And as with those, I grew, my needs and views changed, and I realized that it wasn't working for me.  Interestingly enough, I'd say that the transition from liking both to finding them undesirable were nearly coincidental with one another.  In many ways, that makes sense.  My original interest in both were motivated by the same factors.  I was in a rather isolated area where finding out and gay guys was difficult.  Being out was somewhere between difficult and outright impossible.  So in addition to being open to the idea of getting away from that situation and moving away into the arms of Mr. Right, engaging in cybersex with guys online provided me not only a sexual outlet, but a way to explore the feelings and desires that were finally bursting out of the dark dungeon I had confined them to.

The thing is, while cybersex is great for exploring and expressing one's desires, it doesn't really fulfill all those desires.  There's not the same physical intimacy (and probably not the same emotional intimacy either) that comes with actual, person-to-person sex.  Over time, that missing piece of the puzzle became more obvious, making online fun decreasingly fulfilling and interesting.

Of course, then I met a few guys and finally had real physical intimacy, which underscored what was lacking in my cybersex experiences.  Once I had that experience, going back to an imperfect substitute made less and less sense.  In eventuality, I lost interest altogether.  After all, time spent cybering is time I could spend making connections with local people, connections that again might eventually lead to the "real deal."

Having that brief encounter with a guy who is clearly at a point in his life where he's heavily into cybering simply reminded me of another way in which I've grown and changed.  I don't know if he will take the same path I did or come to the same conclusions someday.  Maybe for him, cybersex will always be a desirable part of his life.  If so, more power to him.  That's his choice to make and I have no desire to tell him how to live his life.

I simply recognized what is right for me and how that's changed over time.

Erotic stories, readers, and relating to them both.

Notice:  Frank discussion of sex and masturbation ahead.

I've mentioned briefly in the past that I write erotic fiction.  Or call them sex stories.  Or call them porn.  I'm sure different people would classify some of my stories as each of those things.  It's something that I enjoy writing.  It's a fun and interesting way to explore my own fantasies and desires.  It's something that helped me during the coming out process in my early twenties.  And sometimes, it's a good outlet for sexual frustrations.  Plus, like any form of writing, it's a way to explore and be creative and expressive.  Such stories for me -- even if they're too explicit or raw for some people to consider erotica rather than porn -- are as much about crafting something with my words about sex.  This is why, while I sometimes do masturbate after reading such stories, it's a rarity.  I find the writing process a sort of release in its own right much of the time, and see no point in seeking orgasm afterward.  It simply depends on my mood.

I also like to post my erotic stories online for others to read.^[1]  This is because I think they're awesome stories and I want to share them with other people.  I realize that this means that some people will be using my stories as "wank material."  I'm actually okay with that.  While I don't generally use my own stories to fuel my masturbatory fantasies, I certainly read others' stories for that purpose.  As such, I have no problems with the idea of someone using my stories for a similar purpose.  In some ways, I suppose I see it as a sort of compliment.  Plus, I also realize that once I release anything I write -- even non-sexual stories -- to the general public,  I have and should have no control how they take or interact with it.  In reality, their experience with my story does not alter my creative processes or my own experience of that process or the end product.

The sites I post my stories to permit my readers to offer feedback and otherwise interact with me.  In many ways, this is a nice feature.  It's always great to hear someone say that they loved one of my storie.  It's even better if they explain exactly what they love about the story.  (I had one guy practially rave about a creative seduction technique I used in one of my stories.)  I even welcome criticism and suggestions on how I could make a story better (though I certainly feel free to ignore the latter if I wish).  I even appreciate those comments that tell me someone just found a story I wrote "hot" or that it "made them horny."

One of the sites  I post stories to, however, also seems to allow for and in some sense encourage a kind of interaction that I don't appreciate.  In fact, I don't like it at all.  On that site, a small but regular number of readers contact me whenever they see me online in order to engage in cybersex with me.  And that's simply not something I'm into.  In fact, I find it quite bothersome.

I don't mind that people engage in cybersex, nor do I find anything inherently immoral about it.  However, I'm bothered by the fact that these people -- usually men, given my own sexual orientation and the nature of my stories -- seem to think that I'm interested in cybering with them simply because I write and share erotic stories.  And cybersex is not the same as writing an erotic story, at least not from my point of view.

For me, writing a story is a solo and deeply personal practice.  It's born out of my own relationship with the story.  By the time that the story reaches other readers, I'm "done" with it (barring those cases where I choose to pick the same story back up and play with it a bit more).  What the readers do with it at that point has nothing to do with me.

Cybering however is not a solo practice.  It's something that two (or possibly more, I suppose) people engage in for mutual creativity and titillation.  The assumption that because I share erotic stories I also want to cyber with a reader suggests to me that said reader has no respect for my own creative process and has assume that not only my writing, but my very existence is based solely on getting him off.

I have an issue with that.

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^[1]Before anyone asks, no I will not post any links here.  Those stories are linked to my real name.  So to keep my anonymity relatively intact, those stories will not be in any way connected to this blog.