A pleasant evening with a nice guy

Note:  This post, while not explicit, will discuss my recent sex life.  There's a reason I included the parenthetical portion of my blog title, folks!

Yesterday, I was really craving physical affection and intimacy.  So I put out an ad asking any interested guys to invite me over "for a movie and a cuddle."  It wasn't that sex was off the table.  I just wanted to make it clear it wasn't my primary goal and that I really was looking for physical contact more than anything.

A guy replied, indicating he was in town for the night and invited me to come have a drink with him at the bar in his hotel and see where things went.  I agreed and threw on some shoes and headed out the door.  I figured it was worth a shot.  Besides, he had made it clear that he was buying the drinks.

This is an awesome experience.

That's actually a pretty big thing for me.  In the past, I've usually ended up paying for drinks and dinners when I go out with a guy.  (This is mainly because Colorful has had horrible taste in men in the past.)  So it was pleasant to have the other guy treat me for a change.  Since he was paying, he did insist I try Grey Goose vodka in my cocktail.  I agreed, as I'm really not picky about my vodka's when it comes to cocktails (now rum is a different matter!).  It turned out to be quite pleasant.

We sat in the lounge area enjoying our drinks and chatting.  The guy was about five to seven years ago and pretty interesting.  I was also amazed at how he seems to have a pretty sophisticated job that has him doing a lot of things that I tend to associate with sophisticated businessmen (and he was one), and yet he was incredibly down to earth and had a wicked sense of humor.  His take on wine tastings ("The whole reason people normally go to a wine tasting is to get plastered") go me laughing.

After a while, we decided to take our drinks back up to his room.  There, he gave me another surprise.  He asked me if I wanted to take a shower and indicated he needed to take one himself and that I could join him.  Now, I happen to like showering with someone else.  I think it's highly intimate.  As such, I agreed.  So he got the water ready and adjusted the temperature, then we both stripped down and climbed in together.  He ended up washing each other.  Like I said, intimate.  It was possibly the longest shower I've ever taken.

Afterward, we toweled off and got into bed where we spent a great deal of time exploring each other's bodies.  We only focused on body contact and oral (me giving, of course).  I found him to be an incredibly attentive partner.  I've been with a lot of guys who, once they find out I'm pretty much an exclusive bottom, will let me do all the work and barely touch me.  not this guy.  He made sure that I enjoyed myself.  In fact, he had me moaning and had me wishing we were prepared to do more by the time we were done.

Afterward, I finished my drink and we talked a bit.  He asked if I'd mind if he contacted me the next time he was in town.  I told him I'd like that very much, so long as I'm available.  (Hey, he wasn't good enough that I'm not going to look for something more regular/permanent!)

We eventually said our goodbyes.  I went home quite satisfied.  It had been a long time since I had done anything so pleasant and pleasurable.

I love the feel of shea butter.

Leaves my skin feeling
clean and silky.

This morning, I hopped into the shower and decided to use my SoftSoap body wash with shea butter and almond oil.  I use it every now and then, especially on those days where I want to have an extra special shower experience.  (No, no orgasms were involved).  I just love the feel of it against my skin.  It's nice and silky, as opposed to my other body wash.

As I was showering today, I realized there's another reason I love the feel of that body wash and why it gives me an extra special feeling.  I realized that, at least on an unconscious level, it stirred memories I also associate with shea butter because of another product I favor that has the same ingredient (come to think of it, the textures of the two products are pretty close as a result):  The water based version of Boy Butter lubricant.

I switched to Boy Butter a few years back when one of my boyfriends (Sodomy Badge, to be precise) had a bad reaction to the only lube I had on hand at the time.  (At least, we assume it was a bad reaction to the lube.)  I noticed that the lube had one of the nonoxyl compounds (though not nonoxyl-9) in it.  (Which is kind of weird, because nonoxyl compounds are normally used for spermicidal purposes, which seems pretty pointless in a lubricant that's specifically packaged and marketed for use in anal sex, as this lube was.)  A web search informed me that these compounds can irritate sensitive skin.

Makes other parts of my body feel the same
way.  Parts the body wash doesn't really get
to.  And maybe not the "clean" part so much.

As a result, I went looking for different lubes.  During my search, I ran across boy-butter, which claims to be hypoallergenic and has a rich creamy feeling.  I can't speak to the former, but I can say from personal experience that I completely agree with that second assessment.  In fact, I've pretty much started using Boy Butter exclusively.  I've tried Wet, Astroglide, KY, and a few less-known brands.  One thing I find with all of them is that they have a somewhat tacky texture to them, which only gets worse as they start to dry.  By butter, on the other hand feels creamy, silky, and soothing to me and continues to feel that way even as it starts to dry.  (In fact, it's the only lube I don't feel like I have to wash off immediately after the fun is over.)

So when I wash with that body wash, I think of the good feelings that I associate with my favorite lubricant, and possibly even what I'm doing while using that lubricant.  So it's no wonder I feel extra special and extra good about myself when I use it.

Note:  I am not being paid by the manufacturers of either product mentioned in this ad.  Though if they happen to see this and feel like compensating me for my endorsements, I would not be opposed to the idea.  (Hey, a guy can dream, right?)

Stealing an idea from JF

(Notice:  Frank sex talk ahead.)

Yesterday, JF wrote a great blog post considering what kind of lover his is.  Be sure to check out his list.  Then consider applying for the position of his lover, because I'm convinced he's going to make some guy damn lucky.

I want to springboard off of JF's list and consider not what kind of a lover I am, but what I'm looking for right now in terms of a relationship.  It's something that's changed over the years, and I think it'll continue to change as I grow and change.

Of course, growing up, I wanted the perfect lifelong relationship.  In reality, I still want that someday.  It's just a much more long term goal.  But in my teens (okay, back then I thought I wanted all that with a girl because that's what I was taught I was supposed to want) and twenties, it's all I would consider.  Every relationship I considered, even every potential date, was filtered through the mindset of "Is this the one???"

In many ways, I think that was harmful to me and my attempts to build friendships and relationships.  It became a sort of desperation that I suspect drove more than one guy away.

After that, I went through what I jokingly (to some friends' amusement) refer to as "my slut phase."  At that point, I was tired of trying for romance and getting incredibly hurt.  I wanted to just go out and have sex.  And I did.  I hooked up.  I met guys out and we went back to one of our places.  I even arranged to meet at one of our places without first meeting in public.  It was a fun time and I certainly enjoyed the sex.

Eventually though, I began to miss the emotional connection and intimacy.  I also started getting the sense that I was more than just an ass for the other guy to stick his cock into, which left me unhappy.  I didn't need to be the other guys "one and only love," but I wanted to matter as a person rather than being seen as an interchangeable part or the latest masturbatory aid.

So now I'm looking for that middle ground.  I want that relationship where I get along with a guy, we have a great time together -- both in and out of the bedroom -- and just seem to mesh well.  I want a relationship where we can talk, plan, work out differences where possible and accept them where it's not possible.  And yeah, if it lasts till death do us part, that's great.  But if it just lasts a couple of months while making them fantastic and enjoyable months, I'm good with that too.

Promising conversations

I've been talking to a new guy online the past couple of evenings.  On Monday, he contacted me out of the blue and started up a conversation.  It's been going pretty well.  Have you ever had one of those connections with someone where the conversation floats easily and freely from talking about family to dinner plans to sexual fantasies to movies?  That's what our conversations have been like.

Something like this would be nice.

Granted, there's been a lot of talk about sexual fantasies.  The thing is, the two of us seem to be quite compatible in that department, we have many complementary interests and are each open to the things the other is into even when it's not something we already share in common.  So the moment of truth will come this weekend, which is likely the first time we will meet in person.  (Yes, Colorful is probably going to get his freak on the first meeting.  I'd say shame on me, but I have no shame.)

I'll admit that this is a nice relief for me, as this guy actually seems to be genuinely interested in me, as opposed to "whoever is available."  Given the tendency I've had for running into guys who are better described as seeing me as merely "a convenient piece of ass," it's a nice change.  It will also speak to some of my recent frustrations.

I've been turning down a lot of those other guys lately.  I've been saying "No" a lot.  And while I'm convinced that each time I made the right choice by saying "no," it doesn't change the fact that it also means that I've been letting certain needs I have go unanswered.  And when I don't see any better options -- options in the form of guys and attention I know I want and deserve -- it gets pretty frightening to hold onto my resolve rather than settling and getting whatever I can.

I don't know what will happen with this new guy.  For all I know, things will fall through and we won't be able to meet.  If we do meet, it could end up being a one-time thing.  Or it could be a whirlwind relationship, or something that will last longer.  All I know right now is that it's something better, something that gives me hope for something better.  And just allowing me that bit of hope -- even if it proves not to be totally founded -- makes this experience a welcome one.

Happy to be canceled on

I was supposed to have a date tonight, but the guy contacted me and told me that he had to work instead.  In many ways, I'm rather relieved by this, as I was having my doubts about this date.  In some ways he seemed way too needy and clingy while we conversed online.  For example, when he originally asked me if I wanted to have dinner back on Saturday, I said I would be available Tuesday or Wednesday evening.  As the conversation progressed, he asked if there was any chance I'd be free on Sunday.  I told him that I already had plans.  Personally, I would have thought that would have been obvious from the fact that I didn't include Sunday in my list of days that would work for me.  So that right there struck me as a boundary violation of the "I want you to rearrange your life to suit my needs" variety.

When I hear this guy in my
head, it's time to rethink a date.

Then when he reconfirmed that I was still planning on going out with him, he said something about meeting at the Mexican restaurant I recommended and then going back to his place "for dessert."  Now, don't get me wrong, I've had sex with a guy on the first date before.  I've also done the casual sex thing as well.  I'm not opposed to moving things that fast.  But after the whole "can't you meet me on a day other than the ones you've already indicated you're free on" bit, that somehow didn't sit well with me.  It seemed to me like the fact that we would have sex was a foregone conclusion.  And bear in mind, we've only ever talked online.  Even when I do agree to meet someone specifically for the purpose of having sex, I like to have the sense that I can get there, re-examine how I feel about the situation, and even change my mind if it comes to that.  I felt like this guy wasn't going to give me that option and try some high-pressure tactics (which has happened to me in the past) to keep me committed to having sex with him.

So I told him honestly that I'd rather just plan on meeting for dinner and see how that goes before making any definite plans about "dessert."  He said okay, and that was the end of the conversation for the evening.  But the whole experience still bothered me.

When I woke up this morning, I had pretty much decided that unless it was a fantastic date -- and I came close to canceling even the date myself -- there pretty much wasn't going to be any sexual conduct.  I also decided I'd make sure we "went dutch" on dinner so there wouldn't be any sense of "owing" him if he paid for my food.

But then I got his message around noon, and it resolved the whole issue.  He didn't indicate whether he wants to reschedule.  If he does try to reschedule, I'll have to decide if I really want to, given my misgivings.  But in the meantime, I can enjoy a peaceful night of cartoons and reading.

What dreams may cum

Content Notice:  Frank sexual talk ahead.

Last night, I had a dream about Pianoman.  This isn't entirely surprising, I suppose, as he and I have been talking online the past week or so.  I think he's hoping to get back together with me for some more fun. Unfortunately, I'm still not that interested in going there again.  At least most of me isn't interested in going there again.  I will admit that it's been long enough since I've been with another guy, the temptation to say yes just for the sheer pleasure of having another guy inside of me is pretty strong.

Apparently, my unconscious mind is on the "come on, it would feel good" side of the argument, though I'm pleased to note that even my dream self was hesitant and had its reservations.  But in my dream, Pianoman showed up at my home (actually, I think it was my parents' home, which was a bit strange) and we got talking.  He made the first move and started trying to talk me into sucking him off.  So my dream self decided that this sounded like fun -- and that despite my reservations, I really needed it.  So we ended up getting naked and I laid down on the couch in front of the picture window (the couch and window were the clues that this was my parents' home) and he straddled my chest and started feeding me his still-soft member.  (Note to my unconscious mind:  If you're going to put Pianoman in my dreams, please get the important details right.  Even soft, he's a lot bigger than you portrayed him.  I should've been gagging in that position.)

It's been a long time since I've been this bashful about what
I like.  (Image from the awesome movie, Latter Days.)

The dream quickly fell apart and I woke up shortly after that, which was both comforting and unsatisfying.  I'm not sure what my unconscious mind was playing at, other than trying to play out the conflicted feelings I'm experiencing over the guy in my waking life.  I guess there's a part of me that still wishes things could be different so Pianoman and I could get back together again.  I suppose it's also unconscious mind's way of sorting through what exactly would have to be different, as that seemed to be a lot of what the lead-in to the actual sexual part was about.  For example, one of the reasons my dream self allowed things to proceed was that dream Pianoman had taken the initiative and put in the effort to seek me out, as opposed to trying to find me when it was convenient.  Then there's the position we took in our play (one that I love, but one that I've never experienced with the real Pianoman).

As I think about it, I think I'm wrong about one thing.  I don't think my mind is so much looking for excuses to say yes to Pianoman or to seek out the reasons I'm saying no to change him.  I think my mind is trying to understand why I'm telling Pianoman no so that I can better understand what to look for in the next guy I consider telling yes.

That realization makes me feel far more comfortable about having a dream -- especially a sexual one -- about a guy I know I have no future with.

Remembering my first time

Warning:  Frank sex talk ahead.

I'm not sure how my mind got here, but I'm thinking back to my first boyfriend, who also happened to be the first guy I had sex with.  (Well, besides a high school friend who I used to engage in mutual masturbation with.)  For the purposes of this post, I will refer to him as Satyr Boi.  I don't plan on adding his code name to the score card, as I only really plan on talking about him this one time.  After all, he has been out of my life for close to fifteen years.  But you know what they say, you never completely forget your first guy.

Believe it or not, that's about what
Satyr Boi's body hair looked like.

By the time we actually had sex, I had known Satyr Boi for about seven months.  We had met online and then officially met at a get-together of online chats before we became sexually intimate.  Originally, we had planned on having sex at that get-together (it was a weekend affair), but he was still very new to the whole bisexual thing and he backed out.  But we still talked regularly and even spent a week together a month before the "big event."  Then we made plans to get together for a few days.  He didn't have a car at the time, so I arranged to meet him about three hours from my home (he lived in another state) and pick him up for those few days.

I remember that we were still about an hour from my home when he announced that he had decided he was ready to have sex with me.  Let me tell you, that made the rest of the drive tense for me.  The anticipation practically killed me, and we even talked about whether pulling over someplace and finding a secluded spot for a quickie -- or at least a fast blowjob -- was a good idea.  In the end, we waited.

We spent much of those three days talking, watching movies, and fooling around.  And while I cherish those moments, I will admit that the sex wasn't the greatest.  We were both so inexperienced that we had problems, including the fact that he kept slipping out whenever he tried to penetrate me.  This meant that we spent most of our time engaging in oral sex, which was pleasant and I felt I did a good job.  But he was still suffering from some personal hang-ups, which meant he never got off.  While I understood, I took that as a personal blow to my ego.  (I suppose that's why I take such pride whenever I get compliments on my oral skills today.)

But despite that, I have to say that it was a wonderful few days.  Sure, the sex felt incomplete and was full of problems, but just being able to spend time with another guy with such naked (pun not intended, but if the condom fits...) intimacy was truly powerful.  I would say that Satyr Boi was the first guy I ever truly loved in addition to being the first guy I ever became sexually intimate with.

It's no wonder that I became clingy.  While Satyr Boi was dealing with his self-acceptance issues, I was dealing with my own demons of fearing losing someone, of being alone, and of being isolated.  So I found myself clinging to him more tightly, wanting to hold on to that experience and making more such experiences with him in the future.

In the end, we never saw each other after that three day rendezvous.  Our individual issues created a huge mess between us which tore us apart.  Indeed, other than a brief and heated conversation with him a year later, I never really talked to Satyr Boi again.  I don't know what happened to him. For all I know, he may be happily married to a woman now.  Or he may have worked through his own problems and is now in a relationship with some great guy.  Who knows.  Wherever he is and whatever he's doing, I hope he's healthy and happy.

I will always cherish my memories of him and our (sub-par) sexual experiences together.

I turned down WHAT?!?!

Today, Pianoman contacted me, expressing interest in getting together for sex again.  He actually came right out and asked if I was interested, which is more direct than he often is.  It was a pleasant change.  Now, as I've mentioned before, I'm really having second thoughts about fooling around with Pianoman, and I pretty much "forgot" to solidify our plans the last time we talked about getting together.

The thing is, Pianoman is a great guy.  He didn't deserve to have me do that to him a second time, especially since I felt weird about doing it to him the first time.  So I decided to be more direct and honest with him this time:

i'm not sure. I have fun with you, but i'm at the point where i'm starting to want sonething more serious, regular, and committed....and i'm pretty sure you're not at at a place in your life where thats what you want or could give.^[1]

I haven't gotten a response back from him since then, so I'm guessing I've judged correctly where he is in his life.  Which means it's definitely time for me to say, "I love having sex with you, but I want more than sex.  And that means finding someone else.  I wish you the best."

Which I admit is not easy to do because, hey, it was really good sex!  But alas, it's time to move on.  Next, I'll work on moving on without whining about turning down really good sex.  That's gonna take a while, though.

I don't care how good you are with
these, you still can't fix people.

Though in many way's I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud of how I handled Pianoman and I'm (mostly) proud of how I'm handling the whole thing with Sweet Cynic.  You see, in the past, I would've looked at each (or both) of them and decided that the things that make them unsuitable boyfriends for myself are things that I could fix.  I'd start trying to get Pianoman to get his life in order so that he could make concrete plans toward a serious commitment.  I'd start trying to get Sweet Cynic to open up while sober and be more genuine.  I'd try to get both of them to do whatever I could think of to fix what I perceive to be wrong.

In short, I'd run myself ragged, get nowhere, and piss them all of in the process.  And I'd have nothing positive to show for the experience.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

But now, I see can foresee the ugly end result of that endeavor, acknowledge that it's not what I want, and make a different choice.  I'll find someone who is already capable of fulfilling my needs, prepared to do so, and looking forward to the opportunity instead.

Don't get me wrong, it's tempting.  But so is settling.  And I refuse to keep making either of those mistakes and hoping for better results.  I've played that game too many times.  The deck isn't just stacked against me.  I'm convinced all winning hands were removed from the deck in that game.

---

^[1]This is a direct quote of the message I typed in using my phone.  When I'm on my phone, I often dispense with capitalization, apostrophes, and other minor grammar and spelling rules as minor annoyances.

I've played the Pianoman and we both liked it

Well, it looks like I went silent again!  Fortunately, this silence only lasted for about four days, and it totally understandable, given my busy weekend and otherwise crazy life.  Besides, I'm consciously not setting a schedule for this blog beyond "I'll try to post at least once a week."  And I'm willing to even cut myself some slack if an emergency comes up, I'm too busy to blog, I'm too depressed, or I just get a wild hair on my ass.

Not synonyms, but often intersecting

At some point, I want to write about a few things from the weekend.  In fact, that's what I was originally planning on writing about tonight.  Then Pianoman (the score card has been updated) contacted me tonight, taking my thoughts and my writing in a different direction.

I first met Pianoman on an online dating/hookup site back in the Spring of 2010.  I had just been put through the emotional ringer by another young man, Sodomy Badge, and I was tired of trying to make romantic relationships work only to get hurt, so I decided it was time to be the stereotypical slut (my friends laugh at this, as my experimentation left me with less total sexual partners in my entire history than some of them have had in a month) that the anti-gay crowd assumes all us gay men are.  Pianoman was young, horny, and all too happy to help me out in that arrangement.  We got together, and had a pretty good time.

That's putting it mildly.  I'll say up front that Pianoman was the first guy I was ever with that had any sexual experience to speak of and it showed.  He turned sex into something that was somewhat enjoyable into something that left me going, "Oh god, how long before you can do that again?!?!"

Since then, Pianoman and I have gotten together on various occasions.  We've never been regular fuck buddies and certainly not friends with benefits.  Truth be told, I don't think Pianoman is all that into me other than as a source of sexual fulfillment when he needs me.  And that was fine when things started out.  I was looking for pure sex.  He was looking for pure sex.  We got together when we both (well, mostly he, as I was usually long past desperate by the time he came calling) were in the mood and could make our schedules work.  And of course, in between, I dated and fooled around with other guys.  I assume he did the same.

Be thankful it's only two symbols intertwined.

Tonight, he contacted me looking for another chance to fool around.  I'm not sure I'm all that interested.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still find him incredibly attractive.  I know the sex with him would be phenomenal, and phenomenal sex sounds quite tempting right now.

But to be honest, no strings attached sex just isn't as appealing to me now as it was the last couple years.  I'd like a few strings attached.  I'd like something regular, to bend over for someone, let him do his thing, get my own pleasure, and kiss him at the end, knowing that I'll see him again in a week, a few days, or whenever.  And that's something I know I'm not going to get with Pianoman.  He's still young.  He's still undecided on what he's looking for in life.  In short, he's still fooling around while he makes up his mind.  And while I totally get that and respect it, I'm not sure I'm down with being the guy he does that with anymore.

What's really interesting to me is my thought processes on this.  I'm thinking about turning him down.  Sure, I set a tentative arrangement for Saturday, but I'm reminding myself that I can and should cancel if something else comes up -- or someone more serious comes along -- between now and then.  Hell, I'm telling myself I should cancel if I just wake up and decide I don't feel like no-strings sex that day -- even if it's the only option for sex I have.  (And I'll admit that's the only reason I didn't tell him no outright, I want to hold on to that option for right now.  Not sure what that says about me....)

In the past, I would've tried to figure out a way to make him like me as more than an occasional sex partner.  I would've tried to figure out how to get him to love me.  I would've held on desperately.  But like I realized with Rumor Queen (the ex formerly known as Snuggly Bear), that sort of effort just isn't worth it.  Surely there are guys out there that would love for a serious, regular, committed, and even romantic relationship with me, and I'd be better off trying to find one of them rather than trying to force Pianoman into being one.

Advice for Shy Guys (Especially Tops)

Last night, I tweeted the following:

I'm an old-fashioned kind of gay guy. I think the top should make the first move.

It's something I feel pretty strongly about.  I'm the bottom (and more than a little submissive anyway).  I think the top should be more proactive in expressing interest in a guy like me if things are going to go anywhere.  That's not to say I won't show interest or initiate a bit of sensual fun at times, mind you.  I'm quite good at doing that and enjoying it.

But when it comes to actually getting the ball rolling -- especially in the early stages of the relationship and the pre-relationship phase -- I think the top should pursue, suggest I come over (or we get together or whatever).  I think he should either start the sensual touching at that point, or at the very least pick up my hand and put it where he wants it as a way of suggesting that it's time to do more than cuddle.

To be honest, part of this is simply because right now, I'm tired of making all the moves with the guys I've known.  It's left me wondering if any of them really want(ed) me that way, if they were really interested in me.  It's doubts and questions in my mind that could be alleviated simply by the other guy taking hte initiative and starting something.  In other words, it'd be nice if the other guy would make some effort and even take a little risk.

Because I get the impression that at least one of the guys is shy and nervous about making the first move.  I think he's even a little worried about things not working out or me rejecting him (though how he could think that at this point is beyond me).  And I totally get that.  I worry about those same things too.  All the time.

But at some point, a guy needs to get past that and take the chance anyway.  I know I have.  I've taken my risks.  So know it's the other guy's turn.  So any shy tops who are reading this, please take note.  If you don't take at least a little chance, the guy next to you may just decide you're not interested.  Or he may just decide it's not worth it if he has to put so much effort into drawing you out.  Either way, you could end up missing out on something great.  So consider gritting your teeth and getting your move on despite your fears and shyness.