Drama and Dating

I ran across this video this morning and loved it:

Think of how much less drama there would be in the world if all the gay men would take this advice and get over it when their friends and exes dated.  I've seen that drama first hand and could only shake my head.  The guy spent several minutes going on about how two of his exes were dating and even had the nerve to come into the chain restaurant that he worked at on a date.  He  spent that time trying to figure out why they'd do that, as if they might visit a chain restaurant simply because they liked the food they serve.

I think that's what gets me.  Drama over exes dating or friends dating your exes is all about making the whole thing about you and your past relationship(s).  My advice to everyone is simply, move on with your lives.  Your exes (or friends and exes) dating is simply not about you.  In fact, it's probably a good sign that your ex(es) are trying to move on with their lives.

Drinks with an old friend

Last night, I met an old friend for dinner and drinks.  She comes into town once or twice a year, and we usually manage to go out for drinks one night during her trip.  We have the kind of friendship where we can sit down and catch up on what's going on in each other's lives in a two hour span.  We talk about former friends, relationship adventures, her kids, work, and just about everything else.

She went through the whole saga of Hot Pants with me, and is one of a handful of my friends who actually met him.  In fact, he joined us for the first night of what would become our tradition whenever she was in town.  So naturally, we always speak of him briefly during the conversation.  It's a welcome moment in the conversation, as it gives me another chance to laugh about the whole mess and reaffirm my thankfulness that it's in the past.

This time, we ended up getting a table, as there was no room at the bar.  We had an adorable waiter with an unfortunate (for me, at least) name.  Sadly, I was disappointed when he not only didn't respond favorably to my joking lament that "waiter a la mode" was not listed on the menu, but completely missed it.  Alas, he was adorable and proficient as a server, but not quick-witted.  That gave us quite the laugh.

All in all, it made for a pleasant evening, and one I will cherish until my dear friend's next visit.

Checkup, Part 3: Denial and Excuses

Continuing on with my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2), I'm now looking at the denial characteristics that I felt fit me back in early 2011:

• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening
• pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are
• tell themselves things will be better tomorrow
• get confused
• overeat
• watch problems get worse
• believe lies
• lie to themselves 
• wonder why they feel like they're going crazy

This is one of those areas where I particularly feel like I've come a long way.  When I was with Rumor Queen earlier this year, I saw the problems in our relationship.  I didn't try to deny that they existed.  I didn't make excuses for his choices that were hurting me and sabotaging our relationship.  I acknowledged them and eventually acted on them.  Furthermore, I acted on them by accepting that they were there and that there was no way I was going to make them go away, and I walked away as a result.

No more doing this!

Granted, it might have been better if I had walked away sooner, rather than keeping the relationship going for nearly a full month.  However, I felt I needed to give Rumor Queen time to fix the issues rather than immediately dumping him.  Perhaps I gave too much time, but that's something that I can perfect in future relationships (assuming my next relationship isn't phenomenal and lasts till death do us part).  After all, I'm not looking for perfection here, but progress.

Plus even while giving him a chance to fix things, I made it clear that he needed to fix things.  When he ignored me to feed one of his obsessions or get involved in someone else's drama, I made it perfectly clear that it was not cool that he did so and that I was unhappy about it.

When I was in similar situations with Hot Pants, back before I went to therapy, I was much more inclined to make excuses for him.  "Oh, it's because of his bad family life."  "Oh, it's because of past abusive relationships."  Sure, I got angry with Hot Pants too and even made my anger and displeasure known.  But in the end, I'd eventually suck it up, stay with him, and make excuses for him.  Not so with Rumor Queen.

In general, I think I'm more willing to see people and situations as they really are.  In a lot of ways, I think it's because I'm less willing to settle for just anything, whether we're talking about romantic relationships or friendships.  I've come to accept that I'm a quality guy who deserves quality people in his life.  What's more, if someone is not being a quality friend (or lover), I'm far more willing to call them out or even just drop them if I don't think calling them out will do any good.

Tiring weekend

This weekend was pretty tiring for me.  On Saturday, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and could not get back to sleep.  I laid in bed until about 6:20, when I finally decided that if I was up, I might as well get active and do something.  So it occurred to me that I could go for a walk, as I hadn't gone for one the night before.  So I got up, threw on a pair of shorts and the tee shirt from the previous night, and headed out the door.  I have to say that I think I liked going for an early morning walk as much as I like my late night walks.

When I got back, I decided to get my laundry going, so I gathered up a bunch of non-work clothes and started the washer.  Then I came upstairs and decided to hop in the shower.  I didn't take a proper shower, mind you.  I wanted to wait until I had the clothes I wanted to wear clean.  Instead, I simply rinsed off the sweat and gunk.  Once I got that done, I stripped down both of the beds so I could throw the sheets and pillowcases in the washer as soon as the clothes were done.  Saturday basically become a wash-day at that point, as I then decided to wash the pillows from my bed, as they seemed gross to the touch.

With the washer and dryer both going, I decided to sit down and do some writing.  Like my reading, I haven't done a lot of writing in recent months, and I'm slowly trying to change that.  Saturday, I mostly wrote erotic short stories, which is something I enjoy.  I like to publish them online and I seem to have a small following of people who like my stuff.  A few even occasionally message me to ask when I'm going to write more.  It's a good feeling.

I hope at some point to get back to some of my other stories, though.  Or start new stories.  I certainly enjoy erotic fictions (it's a great way for me to explore my own desires and feelings, after all), but I also like being a writer in general.  Plus, you know, I'd like to write things that I can show friends and family.  Well, non-perverted friends.  (Yes, I do have a few of them!)  Or even just the friends that aren't into gay male sex.

After that, I went to Home Bar for dinner and then back later in the night to go dancing and catch the first drag show.  I even tipped one of the queens.  (Now that I know who "she" is out of drag, I felt it appropriate.  Supporting friends is good, after all!)

I usually try to take a nap between dinner and going back to Home Bar, but that didn't work out this past Saturday.  I laid down and I rested my eyes, which helped, but that's not the same as getting regular sleep.  It made things especially rough on me, given how early I was up.  On Sunday, I was almost completely wiped and stayed home except for going back out to Home Bar around 9pm for a couple drinks and a late night walk in the city.  That's all I could muster given my energy levels, and I almost didn't do even that.

Overall, I thought it was a productive and fun weekend.

Enjoying Pride Weekend

It's the tail end of Pride Week here in my town, and there are more activities going on than there are orgies in a bathhouse.  I've actually skipped all the "official" pride events so far.  I'm debating whether I want to go to the final, big blow-out event that's taking place in one of the local parks tomorrow.  I've gone in years past and it's pretty nice, not to mention a good opportunity to pick up new pride paraphernalia.  But at the same time, I usually go alone and while I certainly run into people there and chat briefly, it gets pretty boring for a lone wanderer rather quickly.

Mind you, I haven't spent the weekend being a hermit.  I spent most of this afternoon at Home Bar, sipping cheap vodka cocktails (vodka and cran, to be precise) and enjoying the burgers and hot dogs that Management and his partner were selling outside.  I spent a few hours going back and forth between having a drink inside and having something to eat outside and talking to the incredibly funny cooks.  Well, cook and server.  It's my understanding that Management shouldn't be allowed to get too close to an open flame.

I'm getting ready to head back to Home Bar now.  I want to go and see the various friends I know will be there, have another hot dog or burger, check out the nice eye candy, enjoy some good music, and possibly catch part of the drag show (though I haven't committed to that yet).  And I'm sure at some point, I'll go for my 30-60 minute long "midnight walk," which has become something of a tradition for me when I go out late at night.  (It's much more pleasant than trying to walk when it's sweltering, like it was this afternoon.)

To me, this seems like a much more pleasant celebration of Pride, spending it with the people I've gotten to know and build relationships with.  There will be plenty of laughs (and raunchy jokes), hugs, and who knows what else.  And unlike tomorrow's event in the park, there's no charge to get in.  I just have to pay for whatever I consume.

Sweet Cynic throws me for a loop

It's funny.  I go through a few days where I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to blog about.  Then a 24 hour period hits and suddenly I have a ton of things on my mind that I can and want to write about.  Rather than flooding my blog with a bunch of posts in a matter of a couple hours, I'm going to start scheduling them over the next day or two.

When I started my last post, I actually planned on writing about my experiences with Sweet Cynic on Friday night (well, early Saturday morning).  But the whole thing with Rumor Queen came to mind and I got off on a tangent.  Funny how that happens, isn't it?

As I mentioned briefly, Sweet Cynic and Rumor Queen used to live together.  In fact, they were roommates back when I tried dating Rumor Queen.  At the time, Rumor Queen was constantly worried that I would decide to leave him in order to date Sweet Cynic instead.^[1]

The thing is, I think Sweet Cynic is cute.  In some ways, I suppose I'm attracted to him.  But there were -- and likely still are -- things that keep me from considering him a serious option for love, which is admittedly a little frustrating.  The thing with Sweet Cynic is that he tends to be prickly and it's hard to get close to him.

If you need a couple of these to open up
to someone, please consider talking
to someone about it.

Well, unless he's been drinking.  Then he'll pour his heart out to you and tell you all kinds of things.  It's happened a number of times when we've been out together over the past couple of months.  In that sense, I kind of like Sweet Cynic when he's been drinking, because he tends to let his guard down and seems more open, honest, and vulnerable.  (Granted, he also tends to get very handsy and can be something of a belligerent ass, so keeping him drunk is not a good idea, either.)  But let's face it, why would I want someone who I have to ply with alcohol to have a sincere and authentic conversation with?

Well, Friday night got very interesting, as I got ready to leave Home Bar.  He started telling me how he has feelings for me and is pretty sure that I'm attracted to him, too.  He got quite worked up over it.  I stood there trying very hard not to get into an argument, but remaining non-committal.  After all, I wasn't convinced that I'd be hearing the same story come Saturday morning once he had a good night's sleep and was sober again.

I will admit, we did end up fooling around a bit.  He ended up kissing me and we made out.  And, well, let's just say that I didn't extract my hand all that quickly when he took it and shoved them down the front of his shorts.^[2] What can I say?  I enjoyed myself.

So we talked a lot before I dropped him off at home and went back to my own place to sleep and see what the next day would bring.  And the next day brought...pretty much what I expected.  He never said anything about Friday night (well, other than saying that drinking so much was a huge mistake).  And he started talking about problems he's been having with other guys.  It's as if he doesn't even remember anything he said or did.  And that's almost more frustrating than the whole "well, I'm sure it's just because he's drunk thing."  It's now a "did he only do it because he was too drunk to even remember" thing.

Granted, I know it's just as well that I don't get involved with Sweet Cynic.  As  I said, he's hard to get close to.  And considering I've watched him (again, drunkenly) proclaim various guys to be the best he's ever met one day only to announce that he found some horrible flaw with them and wants nothing to do with them less than a week later, I know I'm better off.^[3]  But all the same, the whole experience threw me for something of a loop.

Plus it's a shame....In addition to being good looking and somewhat fun to hang out with, he has a pretty nice package...

---

^[1]As a side rant, let me make one thing perfectly clear:  I am loyal and I never dump a guy for another guy.  It's not my style, and I think that people who play that game will eventually get burned -- which they so richly deserve.

If I leave a guy, it's because there's something wrong with our relationship.  Yes, that might mean that I'll find a guy pretty quickly after that -- hell, I won't even deny that I was already chatting up another guy (that one didn't go anywhere) before I officially told Rumor Queen that we were over.  But if I had been happy with the way things were going with Rumor Queen -- or even had a sense that he was willing to do the necessary work to fix things -- I would still be with him.  There's a difference between looking for someone different because you're not happy with your current relationship and constantly being on the look for a chance to "upgrade."  Guys (and women, for that matter) would do well to make sure they grasp that difference.

^[2]And no, contrary to what Rumor Queen might think, it doesn't mean I left him for Sweetly Cynic.  All of this happened two months after he and I broke up -- which is twice as long as we were together in the first place.

^[3]Though I admit that my twisted side does wonder what my "fatal flaw" would end up being.

On Friends and Commitment

Today has been a pretty quiet day.  I got up way early and did a load of laundry, then went out to breakfast and hung out with friends.  Not the friends throwing the pool party, mind you.  I decided to skip the pool party.  To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that those particular "friends" had been out of my life for out of six months and I saw no reason to pull them back into it, even for a nice pool party on a hot day.

I'd love to be in a group like this.

Don't get me wrong, they're not bad people.  However, I had spent some time trying to contact them and get together with them last summer.  And while I certainly appreciate that they were busy, the fact that they didn't even return calls to let me know they were busy left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.  So I eventually gave up.

I was a bit surprised when I got the text inviting me over yesterday for that very reason.  So I told them I'd think about it and let them know.  Well, I let them know by not showing up.

In some ways, it was a hard decision for me to make.  I've never been one to just kick friends out of my life, especially at a time like this, when I'm actually trying to expand my circle of friends so that I have someone to hang out with.  So it seems a little counter-intuitive to blow off (insert Beavis and Butthead soundbite here) an invitation to hang with friends.

But the thing is, I also feel like I've been down this road with these friends before.  They suddenly decide they want to have friends over and they send out last-minute invitations.  I go and admittedly have a good time.  I get my hopes up that this is the beginning of getting together more often.  Then I'm disappointed when the radio silence resumes.

I just don't need that.  So I'll let them go and find friends who are more consistent. I'll find people that I can hang with on a regular basis and seem to be interested in putting in their share of the effort.  (Hey, do I sense a theme here?)

On that note, I think I'm going to go to Home Bar tonight and catch some of the drag show.  Management says they'll be serving food outdoors even, so when I need a break from the crowd and the heat, I can run outside for a quick bite.  I just hope I can avoid Snuggly Bear for most of the night.

Staying Busy and Making New Connections

Note:  This post mentions new people and new code names.  Don't forget your scorecard!

Wow!  It's been almost a month since I last wrote!  This is getting to be a pattern for me!  If I ever want this blog to go anywhere, I guess I need to work on getting more self-disciplined.  Have I mentioned that I hate self-discipline.  Now being disciplined by others, that's another story!  But I digress.  And I've got a dirty mind.

Part of the reason I haven't written is that I've been keeping busy.  Between trying to walk more, taking Hellcat outdoors to play, going out, and just generally having a good time, there hasn't been a lot of time for writing.  When I do have spare time right now, I just want to relax and watch television or chat with friends.

Friends have been a big issue on my mind lately.  One of the things I liked about dating with Snuggly Bear is that he seemed to have a lot of friends at Home Bar and it seemed like a pretty good way to start meeting people.  Of course, I have my own friends too.  They're fantastic friends that I can count on if I need something.  But they have busy lives and commitments, so going out for drinks or catching a movie isn't really an option for a lot of them.  Since going to bars is pretty much all Snuggly Bear does and he's well known at least at Home Bar, meeting such people through him seemed like a good idea.  Alas, it didn't work out so well.

I was a bit nervous the first time I went back to Home Bar after I broke up with him.  I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would receive.  Fortunately, that turned out to be no big deal.  Truth be told, the people that Snuggly Bear and I tend to gravitate toward seem to make up different "crowds," despite the fact that they share the same venue.  I'd rather go in during the afternoon and early evening and chat with people like Sweet Waiter, Sassy Waiter, Management, and Fellow Geek.  Snuggly Bear, on the other hand, tends to go for late nights to do karaoke or dance.  So that works out well for both of us.

Running into Fellow Geek was a pleasant surprise.  I've met him before, as we used to have another common hang-out.  So when I came downstairs from dinner the other week and saw him there, we had a pleasant reunion.  He tends to hang out there on Sunday afternoons, so I'm thinking that may become a regular Sunday afternoon occurrence.

Rooted

Last night, I spent some time talking to a cool guy.  We really hit it off (something I'll talk about more in another post) and spent a lot of time flirting.  Alas, we also determined that we live more than hour hours away from each other.  That's not a total deal-breaker, and we're still going to talk and have even talked about the possibility of meeting.  But I do find myself wondering how much I should emotionally invest in things, given the distance.  After all, I'm not sure I'm interested in relocating for any guy (hey, I'll do it for the right guy, but he'd really have to be the right guy).  And of course, given that I'm not all that thrilled at the thought of moving for a guy, I really don't expect a guy to move for me (even though the likelihood of me being the right guy is pretty damn high).

This is actually rather interesting to me.  It's quite a development.  You see, less than a decade ago, I would've seriously considered moving for a guy if there seemed to be even a chance we would hit it off and fall in love.  Part of that is probably because back then I was (more) desperate.  However, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm established here now and have a sense of belonging.  In effect I have roots.

Now I have friends I don't want to leave.  I have a coven I don't want to walk away from.  I have responsibilities and people here who count on me and on whom I rely.  Walking away from all that for a guy would be something of a sacrifice.  But that's something I've developed over the past six to seven years.  I've made friends.  I've developed relationships.  In effect, I've put down roots and made a life for me here.

It's a bit of a surprise to fully realize this.  But I rather like it.