Seventeen month checkup, Part 2

I figured I'd finish commenting on the first list of codependent traits as a continuation of my last post.

• abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else

Loving
myself!

I think I've gotten better about this one.  This is a bad habit I got into with Hot Pants.  He'd have an emergency (often one that he created for himself) and I'd drop everything -- even leaving work -- to take care of whatever he needed at that moment.  Since then, I've taken a much harder stance that anyone's self-generated emergency is not my problem.  I've also made it clear that any emergency that can wait will wait.  After all, they aren't really emergencies if they can wait.  And a lot more things can wait than some people realize.

• feel harried and pressured
• blame others for the spot the codependents are in

Again, I've come to realize that most things are not as pressing as out of control people like to pretend they are.  As such, I give myself permission to take my time in dealing with situations, if I decide to deal with them at all.

As for blaming others, I don't do that much.  If someone is out of control, I'm much more likely to "cut bait" these days.  I figure it's not my problem to begin with, and I'm not the one in a spot.

• feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

This still happens on occasion, mainly because I'm still too kindhearted for my own good.  After all, overcoming this sort of thing is a work in progress.  But there's been a lot of progress made.  I'd say that these days, this is a monthly occurrence when I stop and point out to myself that I'm taking on a bit too much.  Back in 2010, it was a more-than-daily occurence.

• blame themselves for everything
• get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise

The first one is practically a non-issue.  Now I only take responsibility for my own choices.  Also, I've accepted than I can't control everything, so I have no reason to blame myself for other people's choices, which was the real problem.

I still occasionally struggle with feeling underappreciated, though.

• feel different from the rest of the world

I still struggle with this, though it's getting better.  I actually feel like part of the crowd at Home Bar, which is a good sign of progress.

• fear rejection

I don't struggle with this as much.  I've accepted that some people aren't just going to get along with me.  I'm also coming to realize that those who won't get along with me are usually the kind of people I'm better off without.  The process of separation is still a bit painful, though.  And I fear facing that pain at times.

I don't take it quite as personally though.

• take things personally

Guess I just answered that one.

• feel like victims

Not so much.  I sometimes (and rightfully, I think) feel like I've been wronged.  But I don't feel like a victim.  When I'm wronged, it's a matter of someone behaving badly (and possibly a sign that I've trusted the wrong person), but I don't see myself as constantly being taken advantage of anymore.

• be afraid of making mistakes
• expect themselves to do everything right

I'm still a bit of a perfectionist and I have very high standards for myself.  But at the same time, I feel I'm much more forgiving of myself when I make a mistake.  I don't spend nearly as much time kicking myself or wondering what I could have done differently "if I had been paying better attention."  (See?  It's that whole control thing again.)

• feel a lot of guilt
• try to help other people live their lives instead

I'm pretty much over feeling guilty and avoiding my own problems by fixing other people's lives.  Thank Athena.

• wish other people would like and love them

I still struggle with this a bit, though I'm much more aware of the people who do care deeply about me and love me.

• settle for being needed

I am so over this one.  It's one of the reasons I still struggle with the previous item.  I spent so much time defining my value to others by what I could do for them that I often feel like that's the only reason I was ever valued.  I now want to be valued for my sense of humor, my insight, my interests, and the fact that I'm adorable.

• worry about the silliest things
• think and talk a lot about other people
• lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior
• worry
• check on people
• try to catch people in acts of misbehavior
• feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems

These are all things of the past.  (Though I do think I've talked a bit about my frustrations with Sweet Cynic a bit too much lately.)

• abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something
• focus all their energy on other people and problems
• wonder why they never have any energy
• wonder why they can't get things done

Again, these are no longer problems.

The rest of this first list has to do with trying to control others.  I think I've already covered that topic.

I'll move on to the second list in a future post.

Seventeen month checkup

I think I've mentioned in passing that I have been to therapy.  I'm also pretty sure that I've mentioned that I was diagnosed as codependent.  When I was diagnosed back in 2010, I started a private, invite-only blog to write about my therapy sessions and my progress to learn to deal with my codependency and make the necessary changes in my life, thoughts, and behaviors.  This morning, I started thumbing through that blog to see if there are any posts I might lift and share (after editing for anonymity of course) here.  As I skimmed, I ran across a couple of posts where I went through the checklist Melody Beattie offers in her boofk describing various characteristics a codependent person might exhibit and offered thoughts on the ones that applied to me.

As I scanned the list, I decided it would be interesting to see how much those same points apply to me now that it's been almost eighteen months.  So here we go.

• think and feel responsible for other people -- for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
• feel compelled -- almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggesstions, or fixing feelings.

This book helped
me so much!

This is something I can say I'm almost completely over.  I think my relationship with Rumor Queen proved that a great deal.  I was willing to let him experience whatever emotions he experienced (something that sometimes didn't sit well with him).  The only time his emotions bothered me was when he used his emotions as an excuse to act in ways that negatively affected me.  In those cases, I didn't seek to change how he felt.  I simply made it clear that I wasn't going to put up with his attempts to make me "wear" whatever he was feeling.  "Feel what you want.  But get your behavior under control or we're going to have a problem."

I'm also much happier to let people solve their own problems and fix their own messes.  I've watched Sweet Cynic make some doozies of mistakes^[1] and kept quiet about it.  I simply don't have the time to rescue people from their own bad choices.  I'd rather spend that time treating myself to a manicure or going to see a movie.

Oh, there are days I struggle, mind you.  I think the ones I struggle with most are when I see other people acting in a manner that suggests codependency.  When I see other people trying to control other people's emotional state or behavior, it's very tempting to step in and "make them stop."  Which is an understandable impulse.  Knowing from personal experience how self-destructive codependent behavior can be, it's perfectly understandable that I don't want to watch other people, especially people I care about, engage in it.

The thing is, trying to control other people's codependent behavior is still codependent behavior on my part, so I'm working on letting that go as well.  I've been doing okay.  Not perfectly, but okay.  And that's fine.  (After all, demanding unreasonable perfection from oneself is another common trait among codependent people.  So I'm working to break that pattern as well.)

• wonder why others don't do the same for them

I don't wonder about this so much.  At this point, if others don't seem to do as much more me as I do for them, I simply figure they can't or don't want to.  Then I decide if I think the friendship is worth continuing given the imbalance.

Of course it also helps that I have been more open about my needs with some of the friends I know I can trust.  I've come to acknowledge those people that I can go to if I really need something -- money, a shoulder to cry on, help moving a body -- and simply say, "hey I need this."

That's something that as a codependent person I struggled with (and still do to a lesser extent):  Believing that I have the right to ask for help rather than just waiting for someone to realize I need help and offer it.  I'm learning to overcome that, though.

• find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves

I think I pretty much covered this in a recent post.  To recap, I don't always say yes, but I rely too much on excuses and avoidance rather than just saying, "Sorry, I don't want to do that."

• find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves

I think I've gotten much better about this.  I certainly had no problems expressing my anger with Rumor Queen when I felt he wronged me.

• feel safest when giving
• feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them

I think I covered this above.  I sometimes still give too much, but I'm getting quicker at realizing when that's happening.  And I'm slowly getting better about asking in return when I have a need.

• find themselves attracted to needy people
• find needy people attracted to them

I think the first one is less true of me.  I'm also learning to put distance between myself and needy people.  I do still feel like I attract more needy people than I'd care to.  But I'm also attracting more well-balanced and independent people.  I have people like Management and Sassy Waiter in my life now as well.

Plus I'm less needy myself, which I think helps.  I'm not relying so much on other people to fulfill my needs.  I'm not so desperate to feel like I'll belong that I'll cling to anyone who shows me the slightest interest.  To be totally blunt, I've been developing (higher) standards.

• feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help

Well, for starters, I'm starting to learn to leave my love of problem-solving at work.  As for crises, I've found that a much quieter life is far more enjoyable than one that has me jumping from crisis to crisis.

Plus I've rediscovered my love of blogging and writing.  I've made new friends and try to spend more time with them.  Plus I'm building ways to socialize that don't involve crises and other drama.  In short, I'm taking all that energy I used to spend on drama and channeling it into activities and relationships that are much more interesting, much more fulfilling, and infinitely more enjoyable.

I think I'll stop there for now.  I'm only halfway through the bulleted items of the first checklist post, but I think this has gotten long enough for one day.

---

^[1]We're talking about a guy who starts randomly texting someone he hasn't talked to for years, tells the guy he's having a late night meal with me, thinks nothing of it when said guy shows up at the restaurant uninvited and waits in the car until he comes outside to talk, and is totally shocked that said guy "turns out" to be totally controlling a few days later.  Dude, if you can't see the alarm bells when a guy pulls a stunt like that, you're beyond my help.

Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.