Friday Thoughts: Catharsis

If you get the connection between
this guy and the post, you have a
good chance at figuring out
my real identity.

Screaming into a pillow isn't going to change your circumstances.  But some days, it sure helps you feel better.

Taking a break and awful movies

Warning:  This post contains spoilers for a movie that is so poorly written that there are not enough letters in the alphabet to give it a sufficiently low ranking.  If you don't want me to spoil the movie for you, then you may want to stop reading htis post when I start talking about it.  But if you want my advice, the movie is spoiled, full stop, and you'd be doing yourself a favor by jut reading what I write about it here and skipping it.

I didn't do any writing (Note: I don't count blogging as writing) last week.  I decided I wanted a break.  I figure I'm over 40,000 words on the novel, I deserve a break.  Plus, I have two more months to get the rough draft done.

Granted, I'm a little nervous about my choice.  Whenever I take a break, I worry that I won't start back up again.  It's pretty silly at this point, as so far, I've always gone back to writing.  Granted, sometimes I've scrapped a current project to start a new one in the process, and I don't want to scrap the novel I'm working on now.  But a week break is just that, and the ideas are still coming to me for this particular project.  That's a good sign.

I may have to quickly finish up my current scene and jump ahead to a new one, however.  I'm just not sure what to do with the current scene.  Well, that's not true, or I'd just scrap it altogether.  I just don't know how to write it right now.  So I'm thinking I may just put in a brief placeholder or barebones skeleton and move on ahead.  After all, I alread know I want to edit this over the summer.  I can add stuff then.  Editing isn't limited to just deleting or revising.

I spent a good bit of time watching stuff on Netflix this weekend.  It was a "badly made movie" weekend in many ways.  It started out when I watched "A Little Bit Zombie," which was a neat idea but poorly executed.  And that ending?  What was up with that?  Did Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman write the script?

A screen shot from "A Siren in the Dark."  As sensual as
it is, the story about these two characters is horrifyingly
creepy.

But the movie that absolutely disappointed me was "A Siren in the Dark."  To be honest, part of the reason I watched this movie was that Netflix's description of it (Something like "a psychic cop talks to a gay teen about his lover's disappearance and ends up exploring something really hinky") made it sound like a movie that had managed to escape the gay movie ghetto.  In a sense, it had.  Except that about the only thing the movie had going for it (other than a neat premise that was poorly executed then strangled) was that it had a bunch of scenes with young guys being naked with each other.

First of all, the movie was told almost entirely as a flashback, where Danny told Cameron the cop what had already happened.  I admit I don't like that story-telling device.  Flashbacks are meant to relay key pieces of information about the past that is relevant to the story's plotline.  So when Danny finished his story, I was like "finally, we can get to the action moving forward."  Then the closing credits started rolling thirty seconds later and I was like, "What the hell?"

Add to this the fact that the movie kept repeating scenes and not everything was told in order.  It almost felt like someone was trying to pull the whole Memento effect without having any reason to do that in the movie.  No one's perception was messed up by short term memory loss or anything like that.  So in this instance, it made the movie unnecessarily confusing (whereas in Memento, the confusing nature was intentional and necessary to the point the movie was making.)

Then there was the whole fact that they never really explained the purpose or nature of the relationship between the woman (who they kept calling a "girl" despite the fact that she was obviously at least in her thirties) at Harvest and Joshua.  Nor did they really explain the (admittedly hot) scenes with Cameron's brother and the other boy he was talking to via webcam other than to mention that Cameron has a deeply troubled past due to sexual abuse (which was hardly referenced during the rest of the movie, so why even bring it up?).  And how did Danny survive when the woman from Harvest stabbed him?  How did he eventually get home?  Or was his interview with Cameron not real and some sort of psychic thing?

Then you have the bit at the end of the movie where Cameron is giving Ariel a ride home (the scene was actually repeated at the start of the movie).  It turns out that Ariel is actually Joshua simply trying to lure in a straight victim rather than a gay one this time around.  That would have been a cool idea, if the whole movie wasn't a complete waste up until that point.

I'm serious, this isn't a "B" movie.  This isn't even a "Z" movie.  There isn't a letter far enough down any alphabet to describe this movie.  I've seen better stories used as segues between scenes in porn.  In a lot of ways, I think that's what this "story" was, a bunch of very short (30 second or less) sordid scenes of sex and drug use with bits of poorly done "story" strewn around them.

Thoughts over a latte

So I'm feeling much better than I was on Thursday.  I'm not back to my fully colorful self.  However, if I was to say I was nothing but shades of gray (and not fifty) on Thursday, I'm back to a more balanced palette, but with subdued tones of all the colors.  That's definite progress, and I'm hopeful I'll be back to full technicolor in a couple more days.

One of the things that helped, I think, was getting a lot of sleep on Thursday. I was in bed by 9:45pm and didn't get up until a little after eight on Friday morning.  Well, other than getting up to take care of Hellcat's needs around 5:30.  She was a doll and let me go back to sleep without much fuss after that.

Then Friday night, I decided to run out and work on my novel at the diner.  Friday's not a normal writing night for me, but I felt like both getting out of the house and working on the novel.  That second part was a relief, as I was worried about my malaise interfering with or even sabotaging the efforts of getting this novel done.  (Such feelings of being down have actually shipwrecked a couple such attempts on my part, after all.)

Today, I hung out with friends for a bit. Then I ran over to a coffee shop to enjoy a latte.  I'm sitting here, sipping on said latte as I write this post in fact.  I'm enjoying the music and conversation in the background.  Every now and then, I look up just to see if anyone I know is around.  So far, I haven't spotted anyone.  That's probably just as well.  The only person I can think of that I know hangs out here regularly is Hot Pants, and I'd just as soon not see him, let alone interact.

So the rest, time out of the house, and work on the novel have improved my mood greatly, which is good.  Granted, I still need to figure out what to do about meeting and socializing with other people, but at least I don't feel quite so hopeless about it.  (Yeah, Thursday really was that bad.)  I'm seriously considering abandoning my time at Home Bar, other than the writing I do there on Tuesday night.  I'm not meeting anyone new there right now.  And if I'm being totally honest, I think I'm mainly going there now out of a sense of obligation to a couple of the people who work there.  To be even more honest, I'm allowing myself to question whether that sense of obligation is merited.  I'm leaning toward "no."

Get Personal With Me: Comfort Foods

 What are some of your favorite comfort foods?

I love the feel of shea butter.

Leaves my skin feeling
clean and silky.

This morning, I hopped into the shower and decided to use my SoftSoap body wash with shea butter and almond oil.  I use it every now and then, especially on those days where I want to have an extra special shower experience.  (No, no orgasms were involved).  I just love the feel of it against my skin.  It's nice and silky, as opposed to my other body wash.

As I was showering today, I realized there's another reason I love the feel of that body wash and why it gives me an extra special feeling.  I realized that, at least on an unconscious level, it stirred memories I also associate with shea butter because of another product I favor that has the same ingredient (come to think of it, the textures of the two products are pretty close as a result):  The water based version of Boy Butter lubricant.

I switched to Boy Butter a few years back when one of my boyfriends (Sodomy Badge, to be precise) had a bad reaction to the only lube I had on hand at the time.  (At least, we assume it was a bad reaction to the lube.)  I noticed that the lube had one of the nonoxyl compounds (though not nonoxyl-9) in it.  (Which is kind of weird, because nonoxyl compounds are normally used for spermicidal purposes, which seems pretty pointless in a lubricant that's specifically packaged and marketed for use in anal sex, as this lube was.)  A web search informed me that these compounds can irritate sensitive skin.

Makes other parts of my body feel the same
way.  Parts the body wash doesn't really get
to.  And maybe not the "clean" part so much.

As a result, I went looking for different lubes.  During my search, I ran across boy-butter, which claims to be hypoallergenic and has a rich creamy feeling.  I can't speak to the former, but I can say from personal experience that I completely agree with that second assessment.  In fact, I've pretty much started using Boy Butter exclusively.  I've tried Wet, Astroglide, KY, and a few less-known brands.  One thing I find with all of them is that they have a somewhat tacky texture to them, which only gets worse as they start to dry.  By butter, on the other hand feels creamy, silky, and soothing to me and continues to feel that way even as it starts to dry.  (In fact, it's the only lube I don't feel like I have to wash off immediately after the fun is over.)

So when I wash with that body wash, I think of the good feelings that I associate with my favorite lubricant, and possibly even what I'm doing while using that lubricant.  So it's no wonder I feel extra special and extra good about myself when I use it.

Note:  I am not being paid by the manufacturers of either product mentioned in this ad.  Though if they happen to see this and feel like compensating me for my endorsements, I would not be opposed to the idea.  (Hey, a guy can dream, right?)

Get Personal With Me: Colds and Self Care

Today's installment of Get Personal With Me is inspired by the fact that I've been tiring myself out to the point that I think I'm now trying to fight off a cold.

What helps you feel better when you're dealing with a cold?  Do you rely on comfort foods?  Have you found particular medications or even home remedies helpful?

Please keep the comment policy in mind when talking about other people's answers.

Getting back into the saddle.

I was terribly quiet last week.  That's mainly because I was downright exhausted last week.  The week before that, I had been incredibly busy, what with going to a concert and having that date with the one guy.  That was on top of my usual adventures out and about at Home Bar and just having fun with friends.

So last week, I decided I needed some much needed R&R as a preventive measure.  I started having a tickle in my throat and the occasional sniffles.  When that happens, I know it's time to slow down a bit and get plenty of rest unless I want to spend a day or two in bed (which is never quite as fun when you're spending it there alone as when you're spending it there with someone else).

Sadly, this also meant that I didn't get much writing done.  (Have I mentioned that I started a new writing project?)  I'm trying not to beat myself up over that too much.  The two weeks prior to this past one, I had been starting to really get rolling on the writing.  Then last week hit and I dropped down to writing just a handful of paragraphs.  I'm committed to getting back into the swing of things (without a lot of self-flagellation) this week though.  I hope to have writing spurts Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday this week.

On the meeting people/potential dating front, I also spent most of last week conversing with someone new in email.  He seems like a pretty cool guy.  He's about five years younger than me.  We've enjoyed our conversations.  I'm not sure it'll turn into anything more than electronic pen pals, let alone friendship, but I'm trying to enjoy it for what it is.  It's certainly better than a brief conversation or meeting followed by never talking again.  That pattern gets a little annoying after a while, let me tell you.

At any rate, I hope to have more to write as the week progresses.

Gonna wash that mess right out of my home.

I need to find a few
of these items!

I have decided that this weekend will be cleaning day.  I have once again reached the point that I hate looking around my home and seeing clutter as far as the eye can see.  So rather than keeping telling myself that I'll "get around to it," I've decided that I'll get to work this weekend.  I already spent about an hour decluttering the living room this morning.

Granted, I plan on doing other things this weekend as all.  After all, all cleaning and no fun would make Colorful seem much more grey, even after I get all the cobwebs off of me.  So I will still run out to see friends today, have dinner at Home Bar, and go out for the night.  In fact, even while I'm here, I won't be cleaning every single minute.  I think I would burn out.  Instead, I figure that I'll clean in twenty to sixty minute bursts with plenty of television, reading, or chatting online in between.  Even if I only have three or four bursts each day, I figure that will get a lot accomplished and leave me feeling better about both my home and myself.

Of course, the other thing I want to tackle is giving both bathrooms a good scrubbing. They both need it.  Once I get everything cleaned up, I want to get on a better schedule of keeping things that way, too.  I've done better than I have in the past, but I can still definitely improve, as is obvious.

I hope all my readers have a wonderful and productive day.

Feeling good (about myself)

I'm feeling a lot better after the disappointment of the coffee date.  I spent some time last night just relaxing, watching television, and chatting with guys online.  What really helped is that I took the time to remind myself of what the other guy told me, though I'm not convinced he was sincere about when he said it.

I'm a great guy.

Doing little things, like cracking jokes, laughing at my wit, having a great phone conversation with Southern Helle, telling stories, watching movies, being exuberrantly friendly with a pizza delivery guy while shirtless (hey, at least I put on shorts!) all are things that remind me how wonderful I am and what I have to offer the world, and not just some guy (thougH I have a lot to offer the right guy, too).

So I guess this is a friendly reminder to myself:  When I have a disappointment involving some jackass, I should go back to the basics.  I should pamper myself and remind the world just how awesome I am.

Sometimes, I just need time to myself.

I've been quiet the last few days.  I decided I needed a few days off to rest up and just take care of myself.  Between becoming emotionally raw over the whole dust-up with the fast food chain that I will not talk about at this time, being worked up over some bullshit responses I got to a recent personal ad, and dealing with a minor exchange with my parents that would have seemed like nothing to me if it wasn't for those first two items, I just decided it was time to withdraw, treat myself to some pampering and nostalgia (I'll get to that when I give my own answer to today's edition of "Get Personal With Me").

I don't want to be
stuck here, but frequent
visits are nice.

For me, withdrawing and focusing on myself is one of the best ways for me to rejuvenate and heal after trying times.  The withdrawal encourages me to focus on self-care rather than getting involved in other people's lives.  (Seriously, giving into my introverted nature on occasion is also one of the best remedies for my codependent tendencies.)  It's a good way to not only remind myself to take care of me first, it's a good way to force myself to do exactly that.

Of course, there's a certain danger in it too.  When alone, I'm also vulnerable to tendencies to fret, stew, and actually make some thing worse in my own head.  Plus, there are those times I get into a funk and wonder why no one has noticed my withdrawal and come to my side to ask me what's going on.  So I do have to be careful that I seek out balance and make sure the withdrawal does not turn into long-term or permanent isolation.  Plus I need to remind myself that if I really do need someone to talk to, it's best if I just come right out and call a friend I know I can trust and say, "Hey, do you have a minute."

But all the same, the quiet time was greatly needed and has left me feeling quite refreshed.  And hopefully, that will mean that posting will resume as normal.

A rough start to a peaceful finish

I ended up going to Home Bar last night.  I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a bit.  I think that the guy I had been talking to earlier this week is going to stand me up this week.  I haven't talked to him for the last couple of days, and a few things that he said Wednesday night just gave me the impression that he's a lot of talk and no action.  I've been there before and I don't want to go there again.  So if I don't hear from him by Sunday, I'm just going to write him off.  Unless he has some major good reason -- like a family emergency r health reason -- I'll just tell him that I don't feel it's worth my time to pursue things with him anymore.  Yeah, I felt great because he showed interest in me.  Someone else will show interest in me too.  And with luck, the next guy will follow through.

This isn't the river I walk along, but it's about as idyllic.

Then around 9pm, Sweet Cynic texted me.  Bear in mind that I haven't heard from him in three or four weeks because he's been dating that asshole.  That would be the asshole that he dated for two weeks, got into a huge fight with back in mid-June, swore he was over and never wanted to talk to, and then proceeded to stick with him for another three to four weeks.  Well, they finally broke up earlier this week, and Sweet Cynic, being totally predictable, ended up texting me now that he's all alone.  I'm tired of that kind of friendship, not to mention tired of listening go on about the obvious losers he keeps getting involved about after he figures out their losers.  So I didn't respond to the text message.  If he texts me again or calls me again, I'm probably just going to tell him that we haven't talked in quite a while, so I've moved on and am not interested in being there for him now that he suddenly "needs a friend" again.

So yeah, this and a general malaise was bothering me, so around 10:30 I decided the hell with it.  I put on some  clothes and headed to Home Bar.  It's amazing what an hour among friends -- not to mention a couple good drinks and the best hot dog with meat sauce in town -- will do for my mood.  I had a great time talking to Management.  Plus, one of the drag queens (I'm not sure of her name) came over, gave me a hug, and told me I looked incredible.  (I was wearing a button-up shirt that was only buttoned up to the sternum, which is not a style usually sport.)  That was an awesome feeling.  And then I went for my midnight walk along the river and through parts of the city before I came home.

As a result, I'm feeling much more peaceful.

Returning to the reading adventures

The past few days, I've been making a conscious effort to make time for reading.  Reading is one of those pastimes that I love, but often forget about.  In many ways, I suppose it's because to me, reading runs somewhat contrary to the major objective I'm focusing on right now, which is getting out, being sociable, and meeting more people.  By its very nature, the act of reading is a solitary practice.  I mean, sure, you can join book discussion groups (if you can find such groups that enjoy reading the books you enjoy) and socialize that way.  I don't do that, though.  I'm not sure I want to do that, either.  So when I look at my choice to read or go out, I consider what I'm trying to do with my life right now and feel going out makes more sense.

No bed-side table is complete
without a few of these.

Of course, there's plenty of other alone time, time I normally spend watching stuff of Netflix or pulling something out of my DVD collection.  I do that a lot because to me, it's mindless entertainment.  When I read, I engage much more of my brain.  I try to pull myself into the word of Frey (to use my current reading material as an example), see what's going on, feel what she's going through, and so on.  Watching movies and television, I can let the images on the screen do all that work for me.  It's a much more passive pastime.  Plus, to my mind at least, it seems easier on my eyes, which spend way too much time looking at strange words at work anyway.

But I've come to realize that I also don't get as much enjoyment out of watching movies and television as I do reading precisely because it's so passive.  Reading actually exercises my brain, gives it something to latch on to and explore.  It keeps my brain active and in shape, in a way.  And I think I've been noticing a certain amount of brain-rot due to the lack of stimulation in my life recently.  (Eros forbid that any other part of my body starts rotting from lack of recent stimulation!  So I've decided to make a disciplined habit of converting some of my "braindead viewing time" into reading time.  I figure even if I have to take a fifteen minute power nap first in order to feel like I can muster the mental energy to read, I'll do it.  And who knows, maybe it'll actually help me build more mental energy in the future so I'll be more ready to read.

In some ways, I think I've already found that.  Between the reading and walking (something else I'm trying to do more of), I've felt increasingly energized and alert over the past couple days.