Erotic stories, readers, and relating to them both.

Notice:  Frank discussion of sex and masturbation ahead.

I've mentioned briefly in the past that I write erotic fiction.  Or call them sex stories.  Or call them porn.  I'm sure different people would classify some of my stories as each of those things.  It's something that I enjoy writing.  It's a fun and interesting way to explore my own fantasies and desires.  It's something that helped me during the coming out process in my early twenties.  And sometimes, it's a good outlet for sexual frustrations.  Plus, like any form of writing, it's a way to explore and be creative and expressive.  Such stories for me -- even if they're too explicit or raw for some people to consider erotica rather than porn -- are as much about crafting something with my words about sex.  This is why, while I sometimes do masturbate after reading such stories, it's a rarity.  I find the writing process a sort of release in its own right much of the time, and see no point in seeking orgasm afterward.  It simply depends on my mood.

I also like to post my erotic stories online for others to read.^[1]  This is because I think they're awesome stories and I want to share them with other people.  I realize that this means that some people will be using my stories as "wank material."  I'm actually okay with that.  While I don't generally use my own stories to fuel my masturbatory fantasies, I certainly read others' stories for that purpose.  As such, I have no problems with the idea of someone using my stories for a similar purpose.  In some ways, I suppose I see it as a sort of compliment.  Plus, I also realize that once I release anything I write -- even non-sexual stories -- to the general public,  I have and should have no control how they take or interact with it.  In reality, their experience with my story does not alter my creative processes or my own experience of that process or the end product.

The sites I post my stories to permit my readers to offer feedback and otherwise interact with me.  In many ways, this is a nice feature.  It's always great to hear someone say that they loved one of my storie.  It's even better if they explain exactly what they love about the story.  (I had one guy practially rave about a creative seduction technique I used in one of my stories.)  I even welcome criticism and suggestions on how I could make a story better (though I certainly feel free to ignore the latter if I wish).  I even appreciate those comments that tell me someone just found a story I wrote "hot" or that it "made them horny."

One of the sites  I post stories to, however, also seems to allow for and in some sense encourage a kind of interaction that I don't appreciate.  In fact, I don't like it at all.  On that site, a small but regular number of readers contact me whenever they see me online in order to engage in cybersex with me.  And that's simply not something I'm into.  In fact, I find it quite bothersome.

I don't mind that people engage in cybersex, nor do I find anything inherently immoral about it.  However, I'm bothered by the fact that these people -- usually men, given my own sexual orientation and the nature of my stories -- seem to think that I'm interested in cybering with them simply because I write and share erotic stories.  And cybersex is not the same as writing an erotic story, at least not from my point of view.

For me, writing a story is a solo and deeply personal practice.  It's born out of my own relationship with the story.  By the time that the story reaches other readers, I'm "done" with it (barring those cases where I choose to pick the same story back up and play with it a bit more).  What the readers do with it at that point has nothing to do with me.

Cybering however is not a solo practice.  It's something that two (or possibly more, I suppose) people engage in for mutual creativity and titillation.  The assumption that because I share erotic stories I also want to cyber with a reader suggests to me that said reader has no respect for my own creative process and has assume that not only my writing, but my very existence is based solely on getting him off.

I have an issue with that.

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^[1]Before anyone asks, no I will not post any links here.  Those stories are linked to my real name.  So to keep my anonymity relatively intact, those stories will not be in any way connected to this blog.

Communication and Conflict Avoidance

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to pick up my (electronic) copy of the book on codependency my therapist recommended to me.  I got almost three quarters of the way through it before I stopped reading it almost a year ago.  At the time, I stopped because I had so many positive changes going on in my life that I didn't feel like I needed it any more.  And at that time, I didn't.  The book had helped me identify a number of things about myself and my life that were problematic and develop plans to change them.

Lately, though, I've been having a nagging feeling that maybe I should pick it up again.  Perhaps I felt like the progress had slowed a bit too much.  Or perhaps I felt like I'm becoming more aware of new issues -- or new manifestations of old issues -- that I need to ponder and work through.  Or perhaps I just thought reading it would give me more to write about on this blog.^[1]

This little guy understands
assertiveness.  And courage.

So I bit the bullet and read the next chapter, a chapter on communication.  At this point, I'm ready to make accusations against the gods for plotting against me.  Well okay, they're really not plotting against me.  The chapter proved to be quite beneficial to me, because communication is one of those issues I know I'm struggling with right now.

For example, I realize my communication lately with Sweet Cynic has been a bit passive aggressive.  Because of some recent happenings between him and myself, I've come to realize that a lot of times, I really don't enjoy hanging out with Sweet Cynic all that much.  Sure, he's nice to talk to, and it's nice to actually have someone at a bar with me so I don't have to either sit in silence or force myself to start random conversations with total strangers.

But it's less fun when Sweet Cynic turns into a drama queen and spends the whole time talking about his problems and his misadventures --  never noting how he's contributed to those problems or navigated his course through those misadventures, of course.  It's less fun when he starts getting obnoxious and confrontational -- and then accuses other people around him (including me on occasion) of trying to start something or getting their panties in a twist.  It's less fun when he asks me how I'm doing, and I answer only to have him turn the conversation back to himself -- especially in those cases where I try to express something in my life that upset, troubled, or saddened me and he immediately one-ups me with one of his problems.  And as I've mentioned before, it's less fun when I decide when I decide I need to call it a night and suddenly find myself having to either wait for him or get downright pushy about leaving.

So I'm doing to limit the amount of time that I spend with him and I'm trying to go out more without him.  This is a good thing.  The problem is that I'm not accomplishing this through entirely healthy means.  Rather than simply telling Sweet Cynic, "Sorry, but I'd rather go out alone tonight" -- something I have every right to do -- I tend to avoid him.  I'll hope he doesn't contact me and even ignore calls or texts (pretending to "miss" them, mind you) from him.  On rare occasion, I'll make excuses on why I can't make plans with him.  All to avoid saying that one sentence.

There's a reason I want to avoid saying that sentence, mind you.  I don't want to deal with the drama that will almost certainly ensue.  If I tell him that I simply don't want to take him out with me, he'll demand to know why.  Telling him all of the above would not go well.  He'd deny it.  He'd make excuses why I'm wrong.  He'd try to guilt me into taking him anyway.  And even if he did admit I had some valid complaints, he'd simply try to smooth talk me into believing he wouldn't do those things anymore (a claim I'm disinclined to believe).

This is where I need to take Southern Helle's advice (and that of the book's author) and go with simple brevity and replying to all requests or demands for an explanation with, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel I owe an explanation beyond, 'I don't wish to do that at this time.'"  Granted, that will probably upset him and might even cause him to decide to quit talking to me.  But if I'm being perfectly honest with me, that probably wouldn't be a horrible thing.  Especially if he's not going to respect a simple "I don't want to do this."  I just hate doing things that are likely to end friendships, even friendships that are sometimes broken and unhealthy.  It's much easier to push someone out of your life when they're clearly nothing but a source of trouble and headache.  But when you see some good in the friendship, it's hard to do, even if the headaches and trouble tend to outweigh the good.

Then there's the fact that I still struggle with the idea that I have a right to set such hard boundaries and be so hard-nosed about it -- as indicated by the fact that I classified saying something as calm and friendly as saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to do this" hard-nosed.  That's something I definitely need to still work on.  I need to continue to retrain myself to see that as simply being kindhearted while respecting myself and my boundaries.

The author of my book actually recommended another book, "How to be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman" by Jean Baer.  (The author says it's a good book for men too, and I'm sure she's right.)  I'm thinking I may order a used (alas, it's out of print) copy when I get paid next.  Now that I've learned to accept my needs and boundaries, I think becoming more comfortable with expressing them is the next order of business.

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^[1]There actually is some truth to that one.  I've noticed that my most read posts tend to be those in which I talk about my personal struggles and triumphs, so I've considered delving more into my struggles with codependency to see what kind of interest it generates and maintains.

I could, but I won't.

Every now and then, I like to check out the trending hashtags on Twitter and see if I want to participate in them.  I figure it's a way to meet new people, possibly get new followers on Twitter, and even get readers on the blog.  Plus it can be fun.

Hey, I might go down
the wrong path, but at least
it'll be the path I picked.

The other day, I ran across the then-trending hashtag #ICantDateYou.  It seemed like a fun hashtag at first glance, and there were both silly contributions and more serious ones.  So I sat down and tried to think of what contributions that I might offer that were silly, witty, insightful, or some combination thereof.  But I started running into a problem in my mind.  I had a problem with the hashtag and its implications.  So finally, I offered my only contribution:

#ICantDateYou because...oh let's be more honest than that.  I CAN.  I just WON'T.  #OwningMyChoices

To some, that may seem like a nitpicky semantic difference.  To me, however, that difference means the difference between feeling like a passive observer in my own life and a decisive actor who steers my own course.

Truth be told, I can date a guy who isn't over his ex.  I can date a guy who doesn't like to kiss.  I can date a guy who will do anything to stay in the closet, even if it means acting in ways that are to my detriment.

I just don't want to.

And to be honest, I want that to be very clear to each and every one of those guys.  I don't want them to think that I really wan to be with them and I just need them to change something to accommodate me.  That sort of phrasing puts me at their mercy, and I don't want that either.  I don't want to be their helpless pawn who needs them to change.

And I make that clear by saying, "I don't want this."  It makes it clear that I know what I can do, but more importantly, I know what I will do.  It says that I am not only prepared to walk away from their nonsense, their baggage, and their choices that hurt and disrespect me, but I will do so with my head held high.

There is power in owning my choices.  There is power in saying, "Yeah, I could do that, but there's no way in hell I'm going to.  I value myself too much for that."

Sweet Cynic throws me for a loop

It's funny.  I go through a few days where I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to blog about.  Then a 24 hour period hits and suddenly I have a ton of things on my mind that I can and want to write about.  Rather than flooding my blog with a bunch of posts in a matter of a couple hours, I'm going to start scheduling them over the next day or two.

When I started my last post, I actually planned on writing about my experiences with Sweet Cynic on Friday night (well, early Saturday morning).  But the whole thing with Rumor Queen came to mind and I got off on a tangent.  Funny how that happens, isn't it?

As I mentioned briefly, Sweet Cynic and Rumor Queen used to live together.  In fact, they were roommates back when I tried dating Rumor Queen.  At the time, Rumor Queen was constantly worried that I would decide to leave him in order to date Sweet Cynic instead.^[1]

The thing is, I think Sweet Cynic is cute.  In some ways, I suppose I'm attracted to him.  But there were -- and likely still are -- things that keep me from considering him a serious option for love, which is admittedly a little frustrating.  The thing with Sweet Cynic is that he tends to be prickly and it's hard to get close to him.

If you need a couple of these to open up
to someone, please consider talking
to someone about it.

Well, unless he's been drinking.  Then he'll pour his heart out to you and tell you all kinds of things.  It's happened a number of times when we've been out together over the past couple of months.  In that sense, I kind of like Sweet Cynic when he's been drinking, because he tends to let his guard down and seems more open, honest, and vulnerable.  (Granted, he also tends to get very handsy and can be something of a belligerent ass, so keeping him drunk is not a good idea, either.)  But let's face it, why would I want someone who I have to ply with alcohol to have a sincere and authentic conversation with?

Well, Friday night got very interesting, as I got ready to leave Home Bar.  He started telling me how he has feelings for me and is pretty sure that I'm attracted to him, too.  He got quite worked up over it.  I stood there trying very hard not to get into an argument, but remaining non-committal.  After all, I wasn't convinced that I'd be hearing the same story come Saturday morning once he had a good night's sleep and was sober again.

I will admit, we did end up fooling around a bit.  He ended up kissing me and we made out.  And, well, let's just say that I didn't extract my hand all that quickly when he took it and shoved them down the front of his shorts.^[2] What can I say?  I enjoyed myself.

So we talked a lot before I dropped him off at home and went back to my own place to sleep and see what the next day would bring.  And the next day brought...pretty much what I expected.  He never said anything about Friday night (well, other than saying that drinking so much was a huge mistake).  And he started talking about problems he's been having with other guys.  It's as if he doesn't even remember anything he said or did.  And that's almost more frustrating than the whole "well, I'm sure it's just because he's drunk thing."  It's now a "did he only do it because he was too drunk to even remember" thing.

Granted, I know it's just as well that I don't get involved with Sweet Cynic.  As  I said, he's hard to get close to.  And considering I've watched him (again, drunkenly) proclaim various guys to be the best he's ever met one day only to announce that he found some horrible flaw with them and wants nothing to do with them less than a week later, I know I'm better off.^[3]  But all the same, the whole experience threw me for something of a loop.

Plus it's a shame....In addition to being good looking and somewhat fun to hang out with, he has a pretty nice package...

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^[1]As a side rant, let me make one thing perfectly clear:  I am loyal and I never dump a guy for another guy.  It's not my style, and I think that people who play that game will eventually get burned -- which they so richly deserve.

If I leave a guy, it's because there's something wrong with our relationship.  Yes, that might mean that I'll find a guy pretty quickly after that -- hell, I won't even deny that I was already chatting up another guy (that one didn't go anywhere) before I officially told Rumor Queen that we were over.  But if I had been happy with the way things were going with Rumor Queen -- or even had a sense that he was willing to do the necessary work to fix things -- I would still be with him.  There's a difference between looking for someone different because you're not happy with your current relationship and constantly being on the look for a chance to "upgrade."  Guys (and women, for that matter) would do well to make sure they grasp that difference.

^[2]And no, contrary to what Rumor Queen might think, it doesn't mean I left him for Sweetly Cynic.  All of this happened two months after he and I broke up -- which is twice as long as we were together in the first place.

^[3]Though I admit that my twisted side does wonder what my "fatal flaw" would end up being.

Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.