Owning my emotions

One of the things I'm proud about with regards to Friday night is that I owned my emotions.  I was able to acknowledge that I was frustrated because of the guy that's disappeared and Sweet Cynic.  I didn't pretend that what they had done to me didn't bothers me.  And yet, at the same time, I also didn't make them responsible for how I was feeling.  I even took care -- and I admit this took a small amount of conscious effort -- to avoid the phrase "make me."  They didn't make me feel anything.  Yes, I felt things because of their actions, things that consisted of a natural response to a couple of guys being jackasses.  But in the end, those feelings were my own and generated by me, not them.  And that's not only okay, but healthy and good.

I experience them all
and they're all mine.

Of course, the other part of owning my emotions was my decision on what to do about them.  I didn't really feel like sitting in my frustrations and stewing in them.  So I figured out what I needed to do to introduce new feelings into the mix last night.  I didn't sit there expecting either guy to "fix" whatever had me upset.  Instead, I decided that I would have more fun, enjoy myself, and be happy if I got dressed and headed out to have a good time.

I didn't repress how I was feeling.  When I got to Home Bar, I was still pretty grumpy, and told Management as much (and why).  That's normal too.  Trying to ignore how I feel wouldn't be owning my emotions either.  But I also remained open to feeling differently.  So as I got chatting with friends and enjoying the music that was playing (and enjoying a Captain and Coke), new feelings emerged.  I enjoyed them, and the frustration and anger, while still there, slipped into the background.

And that is how it's done.

Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.

I'm already happy, but I still want a boyfriend.

The following tweet came across my timeline today:

Don't place your happiness in someone else's hands, because once they're gone, so is your happiness.

Yes, I even find happiness
in rainbows.  I'm that gay.

I talk a lot about relationships and sex on this blog, and that's going to continue.  Because I'm a relationship-oriented guy with emotional and sexual needs.  I see no point in denying that fact or hiding it.  And if I talk about them a lot, it's because, quite frankly, those are the needs that are being met in my life the least at the moment.  I have platonic companionship.  I have familial connections.  I have the basic emotional support that I need as well as financial stability and a host of other needs that are well covered.  So it only makes sense that I focus a bit -- or even a lot -- more of my time on the needs that still need to be addressed more adequately.

But while I'm looking for companionship, emotional intimacy, romance, and mutual sexual fulfillment, I can't say as I'm really looking for happiness.  I have several other sources of happiness and consider myself to be a generally happy guy.  You know, beyond those instances of sadness that we all experience from time to time.  Emotions are funny like that.  They come and go and you can't stay in one emotional state all the time.  In fact, it's not healthy to even try.

I remember a few times when Rumor Queen's (now ex-)roommate would tell him that his primary job right now was "keeping Colorful happy."  His roommate meant well, as he was trying to stress to RQ that RQ had this tendency to put all kinds of things -- mostly drama and things that really didn't directly affect or did so only because RQ had this tendency to insert himself into others' problems.  Despite the roommate's best intentions, I always winced at that statement.  I didn't want Rumor Queen to "make" me happy.  For starters, that wasn't and is not in his power.  Second of all, that wasn't his responsibility.  My happiness was and is my own responsibility, and I draw from many sources to develop my sense of happiness.

I find happiness in writing.  I find happiness in watching a silly movie -- even movies that others might laugh at me for liking.  I find happiness in going for a walk and enjoying a beautiful day.  I find happiness in reading a good book.  I find happiness in overcoming a challenge at work.  I find happiness in joking around with friends.

I find happiness everywhere I look.  And if I can't find happiness, I find a way of creating it and introducing it into my circumstances.  (Again, those times when I just need to let my self-pity flag fly for a bit or have strong reasons to be said notwithstanding.)  The idea that Rumor Queen or any other boyfriend could replace all those sources of happiness is downright ludicrous.

Yes, I might also find happiness in spending time with a boyfriend, having a romantic dinner with him, cuddling on the couch with him, or having a wild night of lovemaking (or plain old sex) with him.  It's not like those are not enjoyable things as well.  But I think the key word there is "also."  A boyfriend can't and won't be my sole source of happiness.  That would amount to denying my own individuality and personhood.  It would turn me from being a boyfriend in return to being a parasite living off of and through him.  I don't want that.  (I've effectively tried it before, and it's no fun.)

So yes, I want a boyfriend.  It's on my mind a lot because it's something that represents my least met needs.  And having a boyfriend would probably add to my happiness.  But it can only add.  It cannot create my happiness, because I already have plenty to be happy about.

Plus, you know what one of the best things about having a boyfriend is?  Having someone you can share a lot of that other happiness with.