The problem with problem solving

It's been a while.  I had a fun but somewhat rough weekend.  I did a bit of exercising -- more rigorous exercise then I've done lately -- on Saturday and it really threw my entire system out of whack.  I've been sore and coughing since, though I think I'm finally on the mend.  I did, however, decide to take a (unpaid unfortunately) sick day today to help speed up the last bit of the recovery.

Work is somewhat slow right now.  We're somewhat between phases of my current project, which means the amount of work I can actually do right now is somewhat limited.  That leads to long days of trying to make small amounts of work stretch as far as I can and look busy the rest of the time.  I hate not having anything to do at work, and not just because I worry that someone in management will begin to wonder what they are paying me for (though that doesn't help either).  If I'm going to be sitting at my desk at work, I want to be accomplishing something.  Or learning something.  Or facing a challenge.

Okay, puzzles are one "problem" I hate solving!

Learning and facing challenges is one of the reasons I went into my line of work.  It involves a lot of problem solving, figuring out what needs to be done, determining the best way to accomplish it, and organizing everything to do so in an efficient manner.  It's a job that centers around one of my favorite questions:  "How can I make this work?"

Of course, that's a great question and pursuit in a highly technical career where everything is under your control.  It's not such a great question or pursuit when dealing with relationships, friendships, or other situations where everything is not under your control, something I also used to do.  Often a huge factor in my codependency was that no matter what the relationship problem was, I was sure I could fix it.  Even if the problem was with the other guy, such as a vice, and he didn't want to change, I figured there was always a way to get him to change.  I'd find the magic (usually manipulative) formula that would get him to see that I was right so that we could get over the obstacle and work things into the perfect relationship I knew I can and should have.

The thing is, people aren't like machines.  There's no magic code that gets them to do exactly what you want -- and as I think about it, I wouldn't want there to be.  They have a mind and will of their own, and they're bound to exercise both.  So I've had to learn that not all relationship problems can be solved and in that domain, there really are obstacles that I can't overcome.

It never occurred to me until now, however, how the problem-solving nature of my career might have contributed to my previous approach to relationships.  It makes me wonder if there are other ways my work has influenced the way I interact with people and approach relationships.

I'll try not to giggle like a schoolgirl

Oh my, it's been a long, tiring, and emotional week.  I thin I've been spending way too much time going out and staying up late.  I've been having a lot of fun, but at the expense of my energy levels during work and at other times.  It hasn't been enough fun to make it worth that, I don't think.

On the bright side, I got a huge ego boost and ended up meeting someone.  No readers, Colorful doesn't have a boyfriend.  But Colorful does have someone delightful to chat with and hopefully spend a bit of time with.  What comes after that, who knows?  But I'm doing my best not to get too focused on (or worried about) the future.

For now, I'm gonna call this guy Fuzzy Pro, or Fuzzy for short.  He contacted me yesterday morning when he spotted me on one of the sites I frequent.  He let me know in a pretty direct way that he thought I was good looking, then asked if I had been at Manly Bar, the previous night.  I had been there with Sweet Cynic (who has been a bit of a jackass lately, but that's another, less enjoyable story) the night before, in fact.  I began flashing through my memories of the night and thought I vaguely remembers seeing Fuzzy there and asked him about it.  He indicated that he was there and had been eyeing me all night, though he was busy making plans for an event his club is planning for this weekend.

Fuzzy and I were much more casual,
but I think we were both this happy.

I want to write that again, because I love the sound of it.  He had been eyeing me all night.  Eyeing.  Me.  All.  Night.  I'm not used to being the guy getting checked out by someone else at the bar.  (In fairness, I probably don't go enough to give it sufficient opportunity to happen.)  And I'm certainly not used being the guy that the other guy keeps checking out.  That's a major ego boost right there.

(I'll also note on the petty side that I especially enjoy that this happened all under the nose of Sweet Cynic, who usually brags about how good looking he is and how he's constantly getting checked out.  Guess that night was my turn.)

So we struck up a conversation and Fuzzy ended up asking me what I was doing later in the evening.  I told him that Thursdays are usually my evening to go to dinner at Home Bar, and he said he'd drop in there later.   So I got there, got seated and started my dinner when Management comes upstairs with Fuzzy.  Fuzzy smiled at me and sat a couple tables behind me.  At first I wasn't sure it was him, so I finished my dinner.  When I finished my dinner, I checked my messages on the site and saw one from him:

Looking good, mister man.  :-)

I got up, walked over to his table, and asked to join him.  I think we must've spent an hour talking after that.  (When Management found the two of us sitting together and chatting, he was delighted.)  We talked about our respective jobs, a bit about our family histories, our growing up experiences, our sexual interests, and other topics.  I have to say that it was one of the most relaxed and easy-flowing conversations I've ever had.  Fuzzy tends to have a jovial personality, and yet a disarmingly direct and aggressive approach to life.  (He has an aggressive approach to other things, which has me both nervous and intrigued.)

We eventually went outdoors and said our goodbyes.  He encouraged me to come to his club's event at Manly Bar on Saturday, which I told him I'd be attending today.  Then we said our goodbyes.

I don't know what the future holds, but if nothing else, I hope it means another good friendship and someone I can hang out with and expand my social circles.  And if more comes of it than that, all the better.

But like I said, I'm just enjoying the fact that I got checked out at the bar and the guy liked what he saw enough that he made contact.

I turned down WHAT?!?!

Today, Pianoman contacted me, expressing interest in getting together for sex again.  He actually came right out and asked if I was interested, which is more direct than he often is.  It was a pleasant change.  Now, as I've mentioned before, I'm really having second thoughts about fooling around with Pianoman, and I pretty much "forgot" to solidify our plans the last time we talked about getting together.

The thing is, Pianoman is a great guy.  He didn't deserve to have me do that to him a second time, especially since I felt weird about doing it to him the first time.  So I decided to be more direct and honest with him this time:

i'm not sure. I have fun with you, but i'm at the point where i'm starting to want sonething more serious, regular, and committed....and i'm pretty sure you're not at at a place in your life where thats what you want or could give.^[1]

I haven't gotten a response back from him since then, so I'm guessing I've judged correctly where he is in his life.  Which means it's definitely time for me to say, "I love having sex with you, but I want more than sex.  And that means finding someone else.  I wish you the best."

Which I admit is not easy to do because, hey, it was really good sex!  But alas, it's time to move on.  Next, I'll work on moving on without whining about turning down really good sex.  That's gonna take a while, though.

I don't care how good you are with
these, you still can't fix people.

Though in many way's I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud of how I handled Pianoman and I'm (mostly) proud of how I'm handling the whole thing with Sweet Cynic.  You see, in the past, I would've looked at each (or both) of them and decided that the things that make them unsuitable boyfriends for myself are things that I could fix.  I'd start trying to get Pianoman to get his life in order so that he could make concrete plans toward a serious commitment.  I'd start trying to get Sweet Cynic to open up while sober and be more genuine.  I'd try to get both of them to do whatever I could think of to fix what I perceive to be wrong.

In short, I'd run myself ragged, get nowhere, and piss them all of in the process.  And I'd have nothing positive to show for the experience.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

But now, I see can foresee the ugly end result of that endeavor, acknowledge that it's not what I want, and make a different choice.  I'll find someone who is already capable of fulfilling my needs, prepared to do so, and looking forward to the opportunity instead.

Don't get me wrong, it's tempting.  But so is settling.  And I refuse to keep making either of those mistakes and hoping for better results.  I've played that game too many times.  The deck isn't just stacked against me.  I'm convinced all winning hands were removed from the deck in that game.

---

^[1]This is a direct quote of the message I typed in using my phone.  When I'm on my phone, I often dispense with capitalization, apostrophes, and other minor grammar and spelling rules as minor annoyances.

Sweet Cynic throws me for a loop

It's funny.  I go through a few days where I'm not sure what, if anything, I want to blog about.  Then a 24 hour period hits and suddenly I have a ton of things on my mind that I can and want to write about.  Rather than flooding my blog with a bunch of posts in a matter of a couple hours, I'm going to start scheduling them over the next day or two.

When I started my last post, I actually planned on writing about my experiences with Sweet Cynic on Friday night (well, early Saturday morning).  But the whole thing with Rumor Queen came to mind and I got off on a tangent.  Funny how that happens, isn't it?

As I mentioned briefly, Sweet Cynic and Rumor Queen used to live together.  In fact, they were roommates back when I tried dating Rumor Queen.  At the time, Rumor Queen was constantly worried that I would decide to leave him in order to date Sweet Cynic instead.^[1]

The thing is, I think Sweet Cynic is cute.  In some ways, I suppose I'm attracted to him.  But there were -- and likely still are -- things that keep me from considering him a serious option for love, which is admittedly a little frustrating.  The thing with Sweet Cynic is that he tends to be prickly and it's hard to get close to him.

If you need a couple of these to open up
to someone, please consider talking
to someone about it.

Well, unless he's been drinking.  Then he'll pour his heart out to you and tell you all kinds of things.  It's happened a number of times when we've been out together over the past couple of months.  In that sense, I kind of like Sweet Cynic when he's been drinking, because he tends to let his guard down and seems more open, honest, and vulnerable.  (Granted, he also tends to get very handsy and can be something of a belligerent ass, so keeping him drunk is not a good idea, either.)  But let's face it, why would I want someone who I have to ply with alcohol to have a sincere and authentic conversation with?

Well, Friday night got very interesting, as I got ready to leave Home Bar.  He started telling me how he has feelings for me and is pretty sure that I'm attracted to him, too.  He got quite worked up over it.  I stood there trying very hard not to get into an argument, but remaining non-committal.  After all, I wasn't convinced that I'd be hearing the same story come Saturday morning once he had a good night's sleep and was sober again.

I will admit, we did end up fooling around a bit.  He ended up kissing me and we made out.  And, well, let's just say that I didn't extract my hand all that quickly when he took it and shoved them down the front of his shorts.^[2] What can I say?  I enjoyed myself.

So we talked a lot before I dropped him off at home and went back to my own place to sleep and see what the next day would bring.  And the next day brought...pretty much what I expected.  He never said anything about Friday night (well, other than saying that drinking so much was a huge mistake).  And he started talking about problems he's been having with other guys.  It's as if he doesn't even remember anything he said or did.  And that's almost more frustrating than the whole "well, I'm sure it's just because he's drunk thing."  It's now a "did he only do it because he was too drunk to even remember" thing.

Granted, I know it's just as well that I don't get involved with Sweet Cynic.  As  I said, he's hard to get close to.  And considering I've watched him (again, drunkenly) proclaim various guys to be the best he's ever met one day only to announce that he found some horrible flaw with them and wants nothing to do with them less than a week later, I know I'm better off.^[3]  But all the same, the whole experience threw me for something of a loop.

Plus it's a shame....In addition to being good looking and somewhat fun to hang out with, he has a pretty nice package...

---

^[1]As a side rant, let me make one thing perfectly clear:  I am loyal and I never dump a guy for another guy.  It's not my style, and I think that people who play that game will eventually get burned -- which they so richly deserve.

If I leave a guy, it's because there's something wrong with our relationship.  Yes, that might mean that I'll find a guy pretty quickly after that -- hell, I won't even deny that I was already chatting up another guy (that one didn't go anywhere) before I officially told Rumor Queen that we were over.  But if I had been happy with the way things were going with Rumor Queen -- or even had a sense that he was willing to do the necessary work to fix things -- I would still be with him.  There's a difference between looking for someone different because you're not happy with your current relationship and constantly being on the look for a chance to "upgrade."  Guys (and women, for that matter) would do well to make sure they grasp that difference.

^[2]And no, contrary to what Rumor Queen might think, it doesn't mean I left him for Sweetly Cynic.  All of this happened two months after he and I broke up -- which is twice as long as we were together in the first place.

^[3]Though I admit that my twisted side does wonder what my "fatal flaw" would end up being.

Well, if he had acted like a friend...

It's been an interesting weekend so far.  Friday night, I ended up going bar-hopping with a friend, Sweet Cynic.  (Oh look, a new code name!  I better update the score card!)  Of course, I have to laugh at the idea of me bar-hopping.  I only have about two drinks each evening, so that works out to less than a drink at each of the three bars we went to.  But we had fun, and it was nice to check out each of the venues.  At the end, we ended up back at Home Bar.  Despite the fact that I like Manly Bar and the other place (I'll have to come up with a code name for the new one at some point), I love Home Bar best.  That's where I know the most people, and I like seeing Management and everyone else.  It gives me the sense of feeling welcome.  And being around Rumor Queen has even been getting less weird.

Actually, that's not entirely true.  I've just been enjoying Rumor Queen's apparent weirdness around me.  It's becoming pretty obvious he doesn't know how to act around me.  I won't fawn all over him and I tend to cultivate an air of polite (at least I hope it's polite) disinterest whenever he starts telling me all about his life.  According to Sweet Cynic (who used to room with Rumor Queen), RQ says that he misses our friendship.  Funny how RQ will tell that to other people, but won't say it to me directly.

I now get that this is not boyfriend (or friend) material.
Took me long enough to figure it out though.

The thing is, RQ is missing my friendship because he never figured out how to act like a friend.  He never learned to make my needs and wants a priority.  They were always things to be addressed later.  If there was time.  If he felt like it.  If it didn't interfere with what he wanted.

You know, I sound pretty down on RQ.  In some ways, I suppose I am.  I don't apologize for it.  I take issue with someone who throws around words like "friend" -- not to mention words like "love" and "boyfriend" -- and can't get outside of himself to see what said friend/boyfriend needs and wants, and address that.  What especially gets me is that I don't think RQ even sees that he failed to do that.  That's how deep his own failure to grow up (and I'm convinced it's a maturity thing)f and see beyond himself runs.

But what also bothers me is that I see this as a pattern in my life.  I've historically drawn to myself and become interested in guys who suffer from this inability to see beyond themselves and failure to really pay attention to my needs and wants.  And I find that upsetting and frustrating.

Granted, I know that I'm working on changing that.  If anything, my experience with Rumor Queen actually demonstrates growth for me in that area.  I recognized what he was doing and cut him loose, rather than keeping him around.  But still, I have to keep reminding myself of that.  And I'll be happy if and when the day comes that I see that kind of behavior pattern right away and don't get involved in the first time.

Of course, the real joy will be when I meet a guy who is totally into me, thinks the world of me, and shows it through his actions from the start.

Anger and Boundaries

Yesterday's post got me thinking more about the emotional stuff and boundary issues that I went through during the few weeks I was dating Rumor Queen earlier than this year.  One of the central issues -- which was a continuation from my experiences with Hot Pants and my own journey through therapy, healing, and growth -- was the topic of anger.

Anger seemed to be a matter of control for Rumor Queen.  He expressed this commonly through two different statements.

1.  "I'm getting angry!"

He'd say this, and the implication was quite clear when he said it.  I was supposed to stop doing whatever I was doing -- most often expressing how I was dissatisfied or even hurt by something he was doing -- and appease him.  The idea was that I should never make him or allow him to be angry.  I remember one time that he was having problems with something and said, "I'm getting angry."  I assume he expected me to drop whatever I was doing to come help him so that he wouldn't get angry.

Go ahead and get angry.
Just don't be like this guy.

The thing is, I have no problem with someone else being angry.  Emotions are emotions, and people are free to experience whatever emotions come to the surface.  I don't know where Rumor Queen got the idea that announcing he was angry was a way to get people to do whatever he wanted.  I suspect he learned it from family members who would use anger to get him to do what they wanted, that's only speculation on my part.

But like I said, I'm not going to let people's anger control me like that.  They're allowed to get angry.  They're even allowed to get angry with me.  What they are not allowed to do is take out their anger on me or abuse me with it.  And in retrospect, I consider trying to control my actions with the threats of anger to be quite abusive.  Which sheds more light on why my usual response to this statement was to get angry in return.

2.  "Don't get angry."

One of the strange things about Rumor Queen is that while he felt free to let me know when he was getting angry, he was quite unwilling to accept that I got angry too.  He'd often start conversations with, "Honey, don't get angry."  My immediate thought was, "Tell me what you've just done, and then I'll decide whether or not to get angry, thank you very much."

I'm sure he meant this one to be quite placating, but I actually found it both insulting and manipulative.  I found it insulting because he used it so much, one would think that I'm the kind of guy that gets angry over every little thing.  Seriously, I'm nowhere near that much of an ogre.  When I get angry, I generally feel I have a good reason to get angry.

Which comes to the part that was both insulting and manipulative.  You see, Rumor Queen was most notorious for using this statement to start conversations where he intended to tell me that he had made decisions that affected both of us.  Decisions about things he hadn't even mentioned to me before, denying me any say in a matter that affects me.  So yeah, I was very likely to get angry in those situations, as I don't like people -- not even a boyfriend -- making decisions that affect me without seeking my input.  (I know, totally unreasonable, right?)  What was even more angering is that by telling me not to get angry, he was admitting that what he had just done was almost certainly a violation of my boundaries, and he had gone ahead and done it anyway and just expected to be able to tell me not to get angry over it.  To be honest, I'm astonished I didn't see red in those situations.

One of the things that Rumor Queen never understood was that I wasn't interested in controlling his emotions and he had no business controlling mine.  I see emotions as a personal responsibility thing, whether we're talking about happiness, anger, or any other emotion.  I'm responsible for experiencing and handling mine responsibly.  I'm not responsible for what emotions other people experience or controlling their emotions.

It's an approach I've found quite freeing.

I'm already happy, but I still want a boyfriend.

The following tweet came across my timeline today:

Don't place your happiness in someone else's hands, because once they're gone, so is your happiness.

Yes, I even find happiness
in rainbows.  I'm that gay.

I talk a lot about relationships and sex on this blog, and that's going to continue.  Because I'm a relationship-oriented guy with emotional and sexual needs.  I see no point in denying that fact or hiding it.  And if I talk about them a lot, it's because, quite frankly, those are the needs that are being met in my life the least at the moment.  I have platonic companionship.  I have familial connections.  I have the basic emotional support that I need as well as financial stability and a host of other needs that are well covered.  So it only makes sense that I focus a bit -- or even a lot -- more of my time on the needs that still need to be addressed more adequately.

But while I'm looking for companionship, emotional intimacy, romance, and mutual sexual fulfillment, I can't say as I'm really looking for happiness.  I have several other sources of happiness and consider myself to be a generally happy guy.  You know, beyond those instances of sadness that we all experience from time to time.  Emotions are funny like that.  They come and go and you can't stay in one emotional state all the time.  In fact, it's not healthy to even try.

I remember a few times when Rumor Queen's (now ex-)roommate would tell him that his primary job right now was "keeping Colorful happy."  His roommate meant well, as he was trying to stress to RQ that RQ had this tendency to put all kinds of things -- mostly drama and things that really didn't directly affect or did so only because RQ had this tendency to insert himself into others' problems.  Despite the roommate's best intentions, I always winced at that statement.  I didn't want Rumor Queen to "make" me happy.  For starters, that wasn't and is not in his power.  Second of all, that wasn't his responsibility.  My happiness was and is my own responsibility, and I draw from many sources to develop my sense of happiness.

I find happiness in writing.  I find happiness in watching a silly movie -- even movies that others might laugh at me for liking.  I find happiness in going for a walk and enjoying a beautiful day.  I find happiness in reading a good book.  I find happiness in overcoming a challenge at work.  I find happiness in joking around with friends.

I find happiness everywhere I look.  And if I can't find happiness, I find a way of creating it and introducing it into my circumstances.  (Again, those times when I just need to let my self-pity flag fly for a bit or have strong reasons to be said notwithstanding.)  The idea that Rumor Queen or any other boyfriend could replace all those sources of happiness is downright ludicrous.

Yes, I might also find happiness in spending time with a boyfriend, having a romantic dinner with him, cuddling on the couch with him, or having a wild night of lovemaking (or plain old sex) with him.  It's not like those are not enjoyable things as well.  But I think the key word there is "also."  A boyfriend can't and won't be my sole source of happiness.  That would amount to denying my own individuality and personhood.  It would turn me from being a boyfriend in return to being a parasite living off of and through him.  I don't want that.  (I've effectively tried it before, and it's no fun.)

So yes, I want a boyfriend.  It's on my mind a lot because it's something that represents my least met needs.  And having a boyfriend would probably add to my happiness.  But it can only add.  It cannot create my happiness, because I already have plenty to be happy about.

Plus, you know what one of the best things about having a boyfriend is?  Having someone you can share a lot of that other happiness with.

Expanding my social network and scene options.

I decided not to get with Pianoman yesterday.  I just decided that no matter how good it would be, I wasn't in the mood for no-strings sex, especially not with someone who's not into me so much as into the idea of having sex with whoever is available.  Granted, I probably should have contacted him to let him know I had decided not to hook up with him.  Instead, I just didn't contact him again to make definite plans.  But then again, he didn't contact me or follow through, so fair's fair, right.

This is not a color you're likely to find in Manly Bar.

I ended up going to a new bar last night.  I'll call it Manly Bar (yes, this post will call for some updates to the score card), since it caters to guys into leather and bears.  Last night was a night mostly for bears (and guys who like bears) and sponsored by local bear group.  Management told me about the event a week ago and thought I'd be interested.  I mentioned that I was considering going earlier yesterday and Sassy Waiter really pushed me into going.  So I showed up around 9pm.

I was a bit nervous going to a different place where I didn't know anyone.  I mean, I want to get out and meet people, but I have a problem just starting conversations with random people.  Fortunately, that problem resolved itself when I ran into Nicely Neurotic, a friend of mine who I tend to know from a more professional setting.  So I walked over to say hi to him, and he gave me a surprising favor.  I ended up spending my time there hanging out with him for the most part and he introduced me to about a half dozen other guys there.

Granted, Nicely Neurotic saw what he did slightly differently.  When I told him that I appreciated the fact that he introduced me around and made things much more comfortable with me, he responded by saying, "Yeah?  I was just being a friend."  He seemed to find it weird that I considered it such a big deal.

I suppose he's right.  Good friends do things like that.  I guess the problem is, I'm not used to being out at bars and in other social settings with good friends.  I've usually gone to Home Bar with people who just don't think think of simple things like making introductions.  Well, Management and the waiters have when they can.  But I also usually see them when they're working, so they really can't play social butterfly.

So having Nicely Neurotic around gave me a chance to meet people, be friendly, and be charmingly witty.  Plus it gave me someone to tease, which went over well with one of his friends.  One of his friends even started playing with my chest.  I wasn't really into him, but it felt nice.  Plus it was one of those rare moments where I felt a guy was actually enjoying my body because he liked it, rather than just looking for a hole to get off in.  So I think I'll be going back to Manly Bar.  Who knows, I might even ask Nicely Neurotic to let me know when he's going again so I can hang with him, at least until I get to know some of the other patrons well enough to not need him to feel like I have a connection.

I only ended up staying about an hour and a half.  I'm not sure why I left when I did.  I was having a great time.  Well, I know why I left.  I was getting restless for some reason.  I just don't know why I was getting restless.  I was restless most of the night.  Even when I stopped at Home Bar after leaving Manly Bar,  I felt restless.  I ended up going for about a ten minute walk around a few blocks while I was there.  I think I was just in a mood where I wanted to be on the go.

Manly bar will be having another event geared toward bears next month.  Hopefully I'll be more calm and able to stay longer that time.

Healthy Attention Whoring?

I've been feeling like something of an attention whore lately.  I just feel like drawing as much attention to myself as possible.  I suppose part of that is an overcompensation from when I didn't talk about myself because I wasn't sure anyone found me interesting.  So now, my attitude is, okay if since I'm so interesting, why aren't you hanging on my every word?  Pay attention to me already!

I suppose is the long run, there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I temper it with my usual charming and personable self, the side of me that takes a sincere interest in and deeply cares about other people, their lives, and their stories.  It's just a matter of a balancing act, I suppose.

Yeah, this is me right now.

That's one of the things that I admire about Management right now.  I've been spending a lot of time at Home Bar talking to him, and he seems to strike that balance.  He's extremely confident and will talk up his own abilities.  On another person, some of the things would come off as completely narcissistic.  And I suppose at times, he does come off a touch like that, himself.  But then, he balances it out by talking about the abilities and accomplishments of others with that same level of enthusiasm.  So while he comes off as thinking he's this great person -- and that's an opinion that I'd be hard pressed to argue with -- he tends to think of others as equally great.  He's not like Hot Pants, who tends to view everyone around him as lesser beings meant merely to reflect and bask in his awesomeness.

Plus, unlike both Hot Pants and Rumor Queen, Management has this incredible knack for expressing concern for other people.  Every time I stop in, if he can make the time (after all, he's running a business, which must come first), he sits down, asks me how I'm doing, and listens like he actually cares about the answer.

In the end, I want to find that same kind of balance.  I want to draw attention to myself -- preferably in healthy and natural-seeming ways rather than obnoxiously and awkwardly -- and build myself up so that people want to get to know me better while still managing to show reciprocal interest in those who are drawn to me and lift them up as well.  I just have to keep practicing.

And if I need to practice the self-promotion and attention-seeking more because I have the other part much more polished, that's perfectly understandable.  Right?

Odds, ends, and hashtags.

Today, I had a long and painfully dull shift at work.  Right now, we're in between phases of a project and the tasks that I am to work on for the new phase have not been cleared to start work.  It wasn't until a coworker told me about something he could use help with that I had any tasks at all.

Until then, I spent much of the day playing on twitter.  I decided to come up with the hashtag #TodayWouldBeGreatlyImproved.  Go check out some of my more creative tweets on the topic.  I'd have to say that my favorite would be this one.  I mean, just think about it!  Lightsabre battles!

Wishing my readership looked like this.

I was somewhat hoping that by some miracle, my little hashtag would catch on and more people would join in the fun.  But I suppose I just don't have the readership or follower base to make that happen at this time.  That's the frustrating part of just starting out a blog.  I have to be patient and wait for people to find me and spread me around like...no, we won't go with that analogy....

The  thing is, patience is not one of my strong points.  I often joke that I have plenty of other virtues (obviously, humility is not among them) and should therefore get a pass on my complete lack of patience.  I'm not sure it works that way, but hey.

In the meantime, I just continue to make connections and get myself out there.  Right now, I've started adding a blogroll to my side bar.  (Scroll down to find it.)  It currently has only three blogs on it, but they're all great blogs and there are elements about each of them (particularly the candid openness of them) that remind me of my own goals and the way I want to blog here.

Any of my (handful of) readers know about any other blogs I might enjoy?