Odds, ends, and hashtags.

Today, I had a long and painfully dull shift at work.  Right now, we're in between phases of a project and the tasks that I am to work on for the new phase have not been cleared to start work.  It wasn't until a coworker told me about something he could use help with that I had any tasks at all.

Until then, I spent much of the day playing on twitter.  I decided to come up with the hashtag #TodayWouldBeGreatlyImproved.  Go check out some of my more creative tweets on the topic.  I'd have to say that my favorite would be this one.  I mean, just think about it!  Lightsabre battles!

Wishing my readership looked like this.

I was somewhat hoping that by some miracle, my little hashtag would catch on and more people would join in the fun.  But I suppose I just don't have the readership or follower base to make that happen at this time.  That's the frustrating part of just starting out a blog.  I have to be patient and wait for people to find me and spread me around like...no, we won't go with that analogy....

The  thing is, patience is not one of my strong points.  I often joke that I have plenty of other virtues (obviously, humility is not among them) and should therefore get a pass on my complete lack of patience.  I'm not sure it works that way, but hey.

In the meantime, I just continue to make connections and get myself out there.  Right now, I've started adding a blogroll to my side bar.  (Scroll down to find it.)  It currently has only three blogs on it, but they're all great blogs and there are elements about each of them (particularly the candid openness of them) that remind me of my own goals and the way I want to blog here.

Any of my (handful of) readers know about any other blogs I might enjoy?

I've played the Pianoman and we both liked it

Well, it looks like I went silent again!  Fortunately, this silence only lasted for about four days, and it totally understandable, given my busy weekend and otherwise crazy life.  Besides, I'm consciously not setting a schedule for this blog beyond "I'll try to post at least once a week."  And I'm willing to even cut myself some slack if an emergency comes up, I'm too busy to blog, I'm too depressed, or I just get a wild hair on my ass.

Not synonyms, but often intersecting

At some point, I want to write about a few things from the weekend.  In fact, that's what I was originally planning on writing about tonight.  Then Pianoman (the score card has been updated) contacted me tonight, taking my thoughts and my writing in a different direction.

I first met Pianoman on an online dating/hookup site back in the Spring of 2010.  I had just been put through the emotional ringer by another young man, Sodomy Badge, and I was tired of trying to make romantic relationships work only to get hurt, so I decided it was time to be the stereotypical slut (my friends laugh at this, as my experimentation left me with less total sexual partners in my entire history than some of them have had in a month) that the anti-gay crowd assumes all us gay men are.  Pianoman was young, horny, and all too happy to help me out in that arrangement.  We got together, and had a pretty good time.

That's putting it mildly.  I'll say up front that Pianoman was the first guy I was ever with that had any sexual experience to speak of and it showed.  He turned sex into something that was somewhat enjoyable into something that left me going, "Oh god, how long before you can do that again?!?!"

Since then, Pianoman and I have gotten together on various occasions.  We've never been regular fuck buddies and certainly not friends with benefits.  Truth be told, I don't think Pianoman is all that into me other than as a source of sexual fulfillment when he needs me.  And that was fine when things started out.  I was looking for pure sex.  He was looking for pure sex.  We got together when we both (well, mostly he, as I was usually long past desperate by the time he came calling) were in the mood and could make our schedules work.  And of course, in between, I dated and fooled around with other guys.  I assume he did the same.

Be thankful it's only two symbols intertwined.

Tonight, he contacted me looking for another chance to fool around.  I'm not sure I'm all that interested.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still find him incredibly attractive.  I know the sex with him would be phenomenal, and phenomenal sex sounds quite tempting right now.

But to be honest, no strings attached sex just isn't as appealing to me now as it was the last couple years.  I'd like a few strings attached.  I'd like something regular, to bend over for someone, let him do his thing, get my own pleasure, and kiss him at the end, knowing that I'll see him again in a week, a few days, or whenever.  And that's something I know I'm not going to get with Pianoman.  He's still young.  He's still undecided on what he's looking for in life.  In short, he's still fooling around while he makes up his mind.  And while I totally get that and respect it, I'm not sure I'm down with being the guy he does that with anymore.

What's really interesting to me is my thought processes on this.  I'm thinking about turning him down.  Sure, I set a tentative arrangement for Saturday, but I'm reminding myself that I can and should cancel if something else comes up -- or someone more serious comes along -- between now and then.  Hell, I'm telling myself I should cancel if I just wake up and decide I don't feel like no-strings sex that day -- even if it's the only option for sex I have.  (And I'll admit that's the only reason I didn't tell him no outright, I want to hold on to that option for right now.  Not sure what that says about me....)

In the past, I would've tried to figure out a way to make him like me as more than an occasional sex partner.  I would've tried to figure out how to get him to love me.  I would've held on desperately.  But like I realized with Rumor Queen (the ex formerly known as Snuggly Bear), that sort of effort just isn't worth it.  Surely there are guys out there that would love for a serious, regular, committed, and even romantic relationship with me, and I'd be better off trying to find one of them rather than trying to force Pianoman into being one.

On Friends and Commitment

Today has been a pretty quiet day.  I got up way early and did a load of laundry, then went out to breakfast and hung out with friends.  Not the friends throwing the pool party, mind you.  I decided to skip the pool party.  To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that those particular "friends" had been out of my life for out of six months and I saw no reason to pull them back into it, even for a nice pool party on a hot day.

I'd love to be in a group like this.

Don't get me wrong, they're not bad people.  However, I had spent some time trying to contact them and get together with them last summer.  And while I certainly appreciate that they were busy, the fact that they didn't even return calls to let me know they were busy left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.  So I eventually gave up.

I was a bit surprised when I got the text inviting me over yesterday for that very reason.  So I told them I'd think about it and let them know.  Well, I let them know by not showing up.

In some ways, it was a hard decision for me to make.  I've never been one to just kick friends out of my life, especially at a time like this, when I'm actually trying to expand my circle of friends so that I have someone to hang out with.  So it seems a little counter-intuitive to blow off (insert Beavis and Butthead soundbite here) an invitation to hang with friends.

But the thing is, I also feel like I've been down this road with these friends before.  They suddenly decide they want to have friends over and they send out last-minute invitations.  I go and admittedly have a good time.  I get my hopes up that this is the beginning of getting together more often.  Then I'm disappointed when the radio silence resumes.

I just don't need that.  So I'll let them go and find friends who are more consistent. I'll find people that I can hang with on a regular basis and seem to be interested in putting in their share of the effort.  (Hey, do I sense a theme here?)

On that note, I think I'm going to go to Home Bar tonight and catch some of the drag show.  Management says they'll be serving food outdoors even, so when I need a break from the crowd and the heat, I can run outside for a quick bite.  I just hope I can avoid Snuggly Bear for most of the night.

Improvements for the G(WT)P Experience

Hello, my small but (hopefully) growing group of readers!  It's your generous (No, not that kind of "generous."  You hustlers can sit back down.) and fun-loving host, Colorful.  I just woke up a little bit ago and just wanted to draw your attention to some of the changes I've been making here at Getting (Way Too) Personal over the past few days.

Look Ma, I'm phallic!

I recently added a comment policy to give people an idea of what sort of behavior is and isn't acceptable for people who comment here.  Most of, being as wonderful as you host, probably don't even need to bother reading it.  Let's face it, we all know that comment policies are written for that tiny fraction of a blog's reader who either didn't have a mommy who knew how to teach them to be a decent human being or couldn't be bothered to learn that particular lesson.  Nonetheless, I'd appreciate it if you would all read it, just to be on the safe side.  Plus, you know, I wrote it!  I at least tried to make it entertaining.  And besides, what ever blog threatens to banish misbehaving commenters to Tartarus?

If you haven't noticed, I also added a Facebook Like button for G(WT)P.  Yes, that means that my blog has a Facebook page!  Right now, it only has links to my blog entries here, but that may change.  But if you could give me a bit of love and like the page, that would be awesome.  Also, if you could share my page (and blog) with your friends, I'll try to slip you some ambrosia or something.

Just today, I've also added a feed from my Twitter account, along with a link for subscribing.  I've had the account for a few days and I'm trying to have a bit of fun with it.  I'll do more and more as time permits.  But please consider following me.  Not only is it another way to stay abreast of what I'm blogging about, but you can get short bursts of my rainbow-flavored zaniness when you just don't have time to read a full post.  And again, #FF will be awarded with ambrosia or something (like sexual favors if you're cute and can find me in real life).

Anyway, that should give you an idea of the things going on here.  I'll keep working on improving the site and making the G(WT)P experience as enjoyable as possible.  But right now, I need to go start my day.  I'll try to write again later.  May your days be filled with excitement.  Just be sure to clean up the mess afterward!

Damn Body Image Issues Anyway

Happy Memorial Day weekend!  If this evening was any indication of what the next three days will be like, it should be a beautiful one.  Granted, it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if it was a wee bit cooler the rest of the weekend.  I had to lay under a fan until the sun went down before I could do anything that didn’t involve an air conditioned room.  And Colorful the adventurous queer wants to get outdoors this weekend.  I foresee lots of time spent walking, letting Hellcat play outdoors, and anything else I can think of.  Heck, I’ve even been invited to a pool party on Saturday, which is wonderful.

Of course, it would be even better if the pool party was on Sunday or even Monday, when I’m more likely to be sitting around and wondering what to do with myself.  (Hey, I can only do that so many times in one day!)  But alas, it’s on the same day when I already have a plethora of other possible activities to choose from as well.  Seriously, my friends need to learn to plan their pool parties and other events with my scheduling needs in mind.  After all, the universe revolves around me, right?  (Hey, it’s my blog.  Let me fantasize.)

Apparently, the walking is starting to pay off.  When Management got a chance to sit down with me in the dining room at Home Bar, he complimented me on losing weight.  I hadn’t realized I had actually started ditching weight -- losing it implies I might try to find it again -- yet, so that was a pleasant surprise.  Of course, I’m trying to make sure my walking is not about losing weight.  I just want to go out and enjoy some nice strolls and get some fresh air and exercise.  I know if I make it about losing weight, I’ll be in trouble.

If I make it about losing weight, it won’t be about having a good time -- something that is essential to keeping me motivated about walking.  I’ll start getting frustrated and discouraged when I plateau or have other problems.  And then I’ll stop.  I want to avoid that.

Plus I don’t want to encourage the underlying feeling I know I sometimes have that I need to lose weight in order to be lovable or sexually desirable.  As much as my self esteem has improved over the past several years, I know I sometimes still struggle with body image issues.  I don’t want to feed into that mentality and make it worse by setting weight loss as a goal.

Granted, I will probably lose weight anyway.  I usually do when I start getting more active and boost my metabolism.  And if that happens, that’s great.  But I figure if it happens without me focusing on it, it just becomes a natural outcome of getting out and having a good time rather than something I’m trying to do in order to make myself appealing to others, particularly other guys.

Because let’s face it, if they don’t see how appealing I am already, then they are damn fools.

Advice for Shy Guys (Especially Tops)

Last night, I tweeted the following:

I'm an old-fashioned kind of gay guy. I think the top should make the first move.

It's something I feel pretty strongly about.  I'm the bottom (and more than a little submissive anyway).  I think the top should be more proactive in expressing interest in a guy like me if things are going to go anywhere.  That's not to say I won't show interest or initiate a bit of sensual fun at times, mind you.  I'm quite good at doing that and enjoying it.

But when it comes to actually getting the ball rolling -- especially in the early stages of the relationship and the pre-relationship phase -- I think the top should pursue, suggest I come over (or we get together or whatever).  I think he should either start the sensual touching at that point, or at the very least pick up my hand and put it where he wants it as a way of suggesting that it's time to do more than cuddle.

To be honest, part of this is simply because right now, I'm tired of making all the moves with the guys I've known.  It's left me wondering if any of them really want(ed) me that way, if they were really interested in me.  It's doubts and questions in my mind that could be alleviated simply by the other guy taking hte initiative and starting something.  In other words, it'd be nice if the other guy would make some effort and even take a little risk.

Because I get the impression that at least one of the guys is shy and nervous about making the first move.  I think he's even a little worried about things not working out or me rejecting him (though how he could think that at this point is beyond me).  And I totally get that.  I worry about those same things too.  All the time.

But at some point, a guy needs to get past that and take the chance anyway.  I know I have.  I've taken my risks.  So know it's the other guy's turn.  So any shy tops who are reading this, please take note.  If you don't take at least a little chance, the guy next to you may just decide you're not interested.  Or he may just decide it's not worth it if he has to put so much effort into drawing you out.  Either way, you could end up missing out on something great.  So consider gritting your teeth and getting your move on despite your fears and shyness.

Loving the Outdoors

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been trying to walk more and spend more time outside.  This week hasn't worked out so well as of yet due to the weather and my own tiredness.  But I hope to get back into it tomorrow.  (I'd walk tonight, but I have a long walk planned for tomorrow with Doughnut Lady, a friend who has asked to join me on one of my great treks.)

The exercise has been good for me, and I hope to see the benefits eventually in terms of improved health, increased energy, and maybe even a smaller waistline.  But I think more than that, I'm coming to appreciate being outdoors.  I like the fresh air and the time in the sun.  I like being able to enjoy a nice sunset if I'm walking during the evening.  And I enjoy passing by and even talking ot the occasional stranger on my walks.

Even more, I like how I feel afterward.  Right now, I end up feeling quite tired, but it's a healthy tired.  It's the kind of tired that I feel because my body feels like it's been doing something.  It's the kind of tired that I feel because all is well.  I end up sleeping better as a result, I think.

Granted, right now my walks tire me out a bit much.  Ideally, I'd like to be able to walk between six and seven and still be able to feel active and able to write or do other things until ten, rather than feeling like I should be in bed by eight.  I'm hoping that will come in time, though.  And in the meantime, I'm enjoying myself and dealing with the tiredness, and still enjoying even the tiredness a little.

Memories of a Former Friend

So the past couple nights, I've been having weird dreams about someone who used to be in my life, Hot Pants.[1]  I don't remember much about the dreams (I'm not sure that there was actually more than one), just that they featured Hot Pants in some way or another.  This has had the side effect, however, of causing me to think aboout him.  Thinking about Hot Pants is never a fun or desirable experience.

I haven't heard from him since back in March when I posted an ad on Craigslist[2] and he unwittingly responded to it.  Yep, at the time he had been in a relationship with another guy for three months at that point, had even been talking about what a great time he was having with this guy, and I caught him trying to cheat.  Not that this is a shocker, mind you.  Hot Pants cheats on guys he claims he "loves" almost as frequently as he lies.[3]

Before that, I hadn't talked to him since November, where I flat out told him that the only way I'd even consider giving him another chance as a friend was if he made a public confession of all his lies and games.  Of course, this was unacceptable to Hot Pants, as keeping people unaware of his web of deceit is central to his goal of using people at every opportunity, so he announced that I "wasn't even worth being an associate of."  Ouch.  Burn.  The narcissist and compulsive liar didn't want to be my friend anymore.  I cried for about thirteen nanoseconds and then got over it.

Besides, Hot Pants indirectly did one thing for me for which I will always be grateful.  He helped me reach the absolute low that I needed to hit to wake up, recognize my codependency, and get help for it.  In short, he's the reason I was only with Snuggly Bear for three and a half weeks rather than trying to hold onto a doomed relationship and drive myself to ruin trying to make things work out.

So perhaps it's not such a horrible thing to be thinking of Hot Pants right now.  Perhaps rather than revisiting how selfish he is and all the ways that he hurt me and fretting that he's still "under my skin," perhaps I can focus on that gratitude that through all his shit, I managed to start the healing and growing process.

Who knows, maybe I'll even raise a glass to Hot Pants and his rather unique way of helping me become a better person later this evening.  wouldn't that be a kicker?

Notes:
[1]  Good news!  The score card has been updated.

[2]  Yes, I do Craigslist and a few other "slutty" things from time to time.  I'm a human being.  I have needs.  I do what I feel will meet those needs.  Any questions?

[3]  Incidentally, that's why I gave him the code name "Hot Pants."

Staying Busy and Making New Connections

Note:  This post mentions new people and new code names.  Don't forget your scorecard!

Wow!  It's been almost a month since I last wrote!  This is getting to be a pattern for me!  If I ever want this blog to go anywhere, I guess I need to work on getting more self-disciplined.  Have I mentioned that I hate self-discipline.  Now being disciplined by others, that's another story!  But I digress.  And I've got a dirty mind.

Part of the reason I haven't written is that I've been keeping busy.  Between trying to walk more, taking Hellcat outdoors to play, going out, and just generally having a good time, there hasn't been a lot of time for writing.  When I do have spare time right now, I just want to relax and watch television or chat with friends.

Friends have been a big issue on my mind lately.  One of the things I liked about dating with Snuggly Bear is that he seemed to have a lot of friends at Home Bar and it seemed like a pretty good way to start meeting people.  Of course, I have my own friends too.  They're fantastic friends that I can count on if I need something.  But they have busy lives and commitments, so going out for drinks or catching a movie isn't really an option for a lot of them.  Since going to bars is pretty much all Snuggly Bear does and he's well known at least at Home Bar, meeting such people through him seemed like a good idea.  Alas, it didn't work out so well.

I was a bit nervous the first time I went back to Home Bar after I broke up with him.  I wasn't sure what kind of reception I would receive.  Fortunately, that turned out to be no big deal.  Truth be told, the people that Snuggly Bear and I tend to gravitate toward seem to make up different "crowds," despite the fact that they share the same venue.  I'd rather go in during the afternoon and early evening and chat with people like Sweet Waiter, Sassy Waiter, Management, and Fellow Geek.  Snuggly Bear, on the other hand, tends to go for late nights to do karaoke or dance.  So that works out well for both of us.

Running into Fellow Geek was a pleasant surprise.  I've met him before, as we used to have another common hang-out.  So when I came downstairs from dinner the other week and saw him there, we had a pleasant reunion.  He tends to hang out there on Sunday afternoons, so I'm thinking that may become a regular Sunday afternoon occurrence.