Checkup, Part 4

Continuing my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), I notice that this particular section of my old checklist is relevant to recent events in my life.  The characteristics I'm going to talk about was grouped together as "Dependency."  The first one on the list pretty much describes the common theme running through the rest of them:

• believe other people can't or don't love them

I certainly believe that people can love me.  I believe a lot of people -- friends and good family -- do love me.  I seem to be having a hard time finding a guy who loves me on a romantic level, but that fact no longer invalidates my ability to receive and experience love from all of those other sources.

Plus, I'm now more inclined to look at the men who don't love me and determine that we're simply not a good match or that the fault lies with him rather than automatically assume that it's a sure sign that something horrible is wrong with me.

• desperately seek love and approval
• often seek love from people incapable of loving

I don't do this anymore.  I have reached the point that I know I'm worthy of love and approval.  So if someone is unwilling to open themselves to loving me, I move on.  I'm not going to try to figure out how to make them love me or fit into their notions of who I need to be to get their love and approval.

• believe other people are never there for them

I struggle with this to some degree.  I wouldn't say that I don't think people are never there for me.  But I occasionally do wonder why people don't seem to be there for me in a given situation.  (And in fairness, I'm still working on the fact that I don't always let them know I need them to be there.)

• equate love with pain

I remember how I was like this.  Love was all about sacrifice and suffering.  Now, I tend to think "Screw that!"  Granted, I'm willing to compromise and make things work.  But part of healthy compromise is making sure my needs and interests get met, too.  No more one-way giving.

• try to prove they're good enough to be loved
• don't take time to see if other people are good for them
• worry whether other people love or like them
• don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people
• center their lives around other people

I think this is one of those areas where I deserve an actual medal.  I'm tired of trying to prove myself anymore.  I refuse to do it.  If some guy seems to think I'm not good enough for him, he can keep moving.  I'll find someone who has more sense.

And that second one?  That was a real wake-up call for me.  I'm proud of myself that I was ready to turn down the coffee date guy and a few other guys that I've run into.  At this point, I guess I've done a complete 180:  I'm not interested in proving myself to others, but they sure better be prepared to demonstrate they are worth my time!

And no, no centering my life around others and definitely no losing my life for others.  As far as I'm concerned, people can now find a way to fit into my life.  Well, okay, we can find a way to share our lives, but in a way that demonstrates that he values my individuality, uniqueness, and interests just like I value his.

The rest of the list mostly repeats or looks at these same themes from other issues, so I'm going to skip them.