Forgiveness as a weaopn

While checking out blogs this morning, I ran into a post about how forgiveness has become a tool of oppressors.  I highly suggest you read it, as it's well worth it.  It's also of particular value of me because it reminds me of how Hot Pants used to use the concept of forgiveness as a weapon against me.

Hot Pants would do something to hurt me, or maybe I'd catch him in another lie.  I'd confront him.  He would respond following a simple pattern:

1. He'd deny everything.
2. He'd make counter-accusations.  ("Well, you did this!")
3. He'd generally lash out and possibly threaten to never talk to me again.
4. If none of the above had worked, he'd finally offer some sort of apology and expect everything to go back to normal.

Of course, "back to normal" usually meant I was supposed to forget the whole thing so that he could continue to engage in the same deceitful and/or hurtful behavior.  Which is why this cycle kept going until I said enough was enough.  I eventually told Hot Pants, "No.  If you expect me to reconcile^[1] with you, then you need to do certain specific things to demonstrate to me that you will stop this behavior."

Well, that went over like a lead balloon.  And I got all kinds of accusations about how I was supposed to "forgive" him.  After all, that's what his religion says.  You know, neglecting the fact that I don't follow his religion.

Personally, I've always felt (and still do) that Hot Pants simply used his religion and twisted its concepts to suit his own selfish needs.  I'm not convinced at all that his church would have approved of the way he tried to use forgiveness against me.  But Sara's post reeminded me that some church leaders to approve of such an abuse of forgiveness, and even engage in it themselves.  Sara describes this when she talks about how a situation is handled when "powerful people in the church" are called out:

Later, when those who accused the powerful man ask for that man to be kept accountable so he doesn’t hurt anyone else, the church leaders remind them, “His past is in the past. If you keep bringing it up, you’re not really forgiving him. Neither will your heavenly father forgive you.”

In some ways, it's nice to have that affirmation.  It's also nice to know that some Christians not only see how forgiveness can be turned into something abusive, but even acknowledge that it's a tactic used by some church leaders themselves.

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^[1]One of the reasons this "forgiveness as a weapon or tool of oppression" thing works so well is that many people fail to realize that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.  It is perfectly legitimate to say, "I forgive you, but I do not wish to have you in my life any more."