Unrealized Crushes

In my answer to yesterday's edition of "Get Personal With Me," I mentioned that in retrospect, I probably had a crush of Ralph Macchio when I watched The Karate Kid back in the 80's.  I didn't face up to the fact that I was gay until my very early twenties and then took another two years to come to accept that fact.  As such, there have been those few cases where I got thinking back to a casual friendship I had with some guy during my high school years and realized that there were extra feelings there.

The most memorable -- and first -- such incident occurred when I was in my late twenties.  I was on a long drive one day and my mind somehow got wandering down memory lane.  Eventually, the stroll took me to may days in band and I got thinking about the other band members I'd talk to.  I got thinking of a guy -- I'll call him Blue -- who was a trumpet player.  Blue was a year or two behind me and our seats in band practice were close enough that we'd occasionally get chatting.  I got thinking about the laughs we used to have.

Then some part of my mind suddenly decided to offer its thoughts on Blue.  "Man, I had such a crush on him back then."

The moment the thought echoed through the rest of my brain, I was jerked back to the present in a moment of total shock.  I couldn't believe I had just "voiced" that thought.  I had never realized it before that moment.

As I thought about it more, I realized that it actually made sense.  Blue was absolutely adorable with curly hair, a slim build, a fantastic smile, and a wicked sense of humor.  And I could certainly realize how much I had been drawn to him back then.  Had I been in a place in my life where I could have admitted my feelings for him back then....

Well, who knows what would have happened?  It could have been a great first romance (something I might have enjoyed going through back then rather than when I was in my twenties).  Or it could have been a total disaster and caused all kinds of problems for me.  At this point, I will never know.  But since that epiphany during a drive (on a thankfully non-busy highway, given my initial shock), I have gained a greater appreciation for how my mind knew what was going on with me back then and remembers those crushes, even if I wasn't able to acknowledge them at the time.