On reading and conversational interruptions

I mentioned in yesterday's brief post that I sometimes like to be someplace public when I'm reading so that I can take a brief break and chat with other people if I feel like that.  As I wrote this, I immediately thought of a certain image -- the one I've included in this blog post -- that occasionally circulates around Facebook.

It's true that many avid readers -- including myself on numerous occasions -- don't like to bet disturbed when we're reading.  As avid readers, we get completely engrossed in our stories and like to stay there.  Interrupting us just because you want to talk is disruptive, intrusive, and very much a violation of our boundaries.

I can't speak for other readers (so do any of the following with them at your own peril), but I personally don't mind if someone briefly says hi or asks me what I'm reading.  I'll glance up and answer the other person's question.  I might even give a brief synopsis of the book's plot (or subject matter, if it's non-fiction).  After that, I usually go back to my reading.  (The only exception being if the person is a cute guy and I feel more interested in chatting him up than finishing my story.)

And here's the thing -- and this much I'm willing to bet fifty bucks is universal to most avid readers -- once my eyes return to my book, I am finished with the conversation.  If someone tries to continue the conversation after that point, they've overstayed their welcome in my space.  I will let them know in what will hopefully be a cool yet civil tone that I'd really like to get back to my reading uninterrupted, if they don't mind.  And let's be clear, the "if they don't mind" part is polite convention.  I don't actually care whether they mind.  At that point, the can get hurt all they want.  They can even get angry.  I'm all for letting people feel whatever they want.  But if they interrupt me again, as Granny Aching (first mentioned in "The Wee Free Men")  might say, There will be a reckoning.

The safer bet is normally to only approach a reader when they have taken a break, when they take their eyes from the pages (or their e-reader) and look around.  I will note that when I'm reading in public and am open to conversation, I look up a lot, mainly to help communicate the message that I'm not so engrossed in my reading at the moment that I'd be hostile to a brief conversational break.

But then, I may be an odd duck in that respect.  A lot of times, when I go to someplace like a coffee shop, I read to pass the time and to keep myself from going nuts from having nothing to do.  I'm not the kind of person that starts random conversations with strangers (though I've gotten somewhat better about it), so if I don't already know someone where I am, I fall back to reading (or playing on my smart phone).  In those situations, I do consider myself approachable by others rather than being in "let me read in peace" mode, and I try to communicate that through how I behave and otherwise represent myself.

I want to find a casual reading place.

Yesterday, I went to a coffee shop and read a couple chapters of "Frey."  I sat on one of the comfy sofas that the proprietors thoughtfully placed about the shop.  I enjoyed my time there and my reading, but part of me really wanted to be outdoors reading.  The coffee shop had outdoor seating, mind you.  However, their outdoor seating has absolutely no shade, and the sun was shining down blistering heat yesterday.  When my choices are between turning into a lobster and accepting indoor seating instead, well, I don't need to sit outside....

However, it occurs to me that I'd really like to find my ideal public reading spot, a spot that has the following characteristics:

• Is outdoors
• Is shaded
• Is sufficiently public and frequented that if I decide to take a break from my reading, I can also engage in conversation

Of course, someplace with comfortable outside seating would also be plus.

His reaction amused me

I briefly mentioned (see the sixth paragraph of this post) that a guy chatted me up and even asked for my phone number on Pride Weekend.  At the time, I half figured that he was mainly looking for a free drink that night, and the fact that he never contacted me pretty much confirmed my suspicions for me.  Last night, we crossed paths briefly while I was at Home Bar.  I found the entire thing rather amusing, personally.

If a player like this doesn't call me,
I'm most likely to count myself lucky.

I was wandering through the bar, enjoying myself and smiling at people like I normally do.  As I turned slightly to head for the restrooms, I spotted him directly in my path.  It took me a second to recognize him.  I think the only reason I fully recognized him was the expression on his face.  It was a mixture of displeasure and concern.  I don't know if he thought I was going to come up to him and start talking to him, make a scene over the fact that he never called, or otherwise interfere with his attempts to get lucky and/or scam something else out of someone else.  (I heard that he ended up leaving with some other guy shortly after that.)  At any rate, I found his reaction funny.  At the time, I only had one objective in mind:  Making my way to the bathroom that was directly behind him from my current position.  So I kept smiling and weaved on by.  When I came back out, he was gone.

Guys like that amused me.  I mean, we chatted two weeks ago, he came on strong, asked for my number, and then never followed through after that.  At that point, I shrugged my shoulders, said "Damn," and got on with my life.  To be honest, I thought that his reaction simply pointed out how highly he thought of himself, to think I'd continue to chase after him or mess up my night over him.  The guy was that cute, but not that cute.  (These days, no one is that cute.)

Plus, you know, I have better things to do than chase after players.  Like go for walks, chat with friends, flirt with other guys, and watch paint dry.  ;)

Owning my emotions

One of the things I'm proud about with regards to Friday night is that I owned my emotions.  I was able to acknowledge that I was frustrated because of the guy that's disappeared and Sweet Cynic.  I didn't pretend that what they had done to me didn't bothers me.  And yet, at the same time, I also didn't make them responsible for how I was feeling.  I even took care -- and I admit this took a small amount of conscious effort -- to avoid the phrase "make me."  They didn't make me feel anything.  Yes, I felt things because of their actions, things that consisted of a natural response to a couple of guys being jackasses.  But in the end, those feelings were my own and generated by me, not them.  And that's not only okay, but healthy and good.

I experience them all
and they're all mine.

Of course, the other part of owning my emotions was my decision on what to do about them.  I didn't really feel like sitting in my frustrations and stewing in them.  So I figured out what I needed to do to introduce new feelings into the mix last night.  I didn't sit there expecting either guy to "fix" whatever had me upset.  Instead, I decided that I would have more fun, enjoy myself, and be happy if I got dressed and headed out to have a good time.

I didn't repress how I was feeling.  When I got to Home Bar, I was still pretty grumpy, and told Management as much (and why).  That's normal too.  Trying to ignore how I feel wouldn't be owning my emotions either.  But I also remained open to feeling differently.  So as I got chatting with friends and enjoying the music that was playing (and enjoying a Captain and Coke), new feelings emerged.  I enjoyed them, and the frustration and anger, while still there, slipped into the background.

And that is how it's done.

A rough start to a peaceful finish

I ended up going to Home Bar last night.  I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a bit.  I think that the guy I had been talking to earlier this week is going to stand me up this week.  I haven't talked to him for the last couple of days, and a few things that he said Wednesday night just gave me the impression that he's a lot of talk and no action.  I've been there before and I don't want to go there again.  So if I don't hear from him by Sunday, I'm just going to write him off.  Unless he has some major good reason -- like a family emergency r health reason -- I'll just tell him that I don't feel it's worth my time to pursue things with him anymore.  Yeah, I felt great because he showed interest in me.  Someone else will show interest in me too.  And with luck, the next guy will follow through.

This isn't the river I walk along, but it's about as idyllic.

Then around 9pm, Sweet Cynic texted me.  Bear in mind that I haven't heard from him in three or four weeks because he's been dating that asshole.  That would be the asshole that he dated for two weeks, got into a huge fight with back in mid-June, swore he was over and never wanted to talk to, and then proceeded to stick with him for another three to four weeks.  Well, they finally broke up earlier this week, and Sweet Cynic, being totally predictable, ended up texting me now that he's all alone.  I'm tired of that kind of friendship, not to mention tired of listening go on about the obvious losers he keeps getting involved about after he figures out their losers.  So I didn't respond to the text message.  If he texts me again or calls me again, I'm probably just going to tell him that we haven't talked in quite a while, so I've moved on and am not interested in being there for him now that he suddenly "needs a friend" again.

So yeah, this and a general malaise was bothering me, so around 10:30 I decided the hell with it.  I put on some  clothes and headed to Home Bar.  It's amazing what an hour among friends -- not to mention a couple good drinks and the best hot dog with meat sauce in town -- will do for my mood.  I had a great time talking to Management.  Plus, one of the drag queens (I'm not sure of her name) came over, gave me a hug, and told me I looked incredible.  (I was wearing a button-up shirt that was only buttoned up to the sternum, which is not a style usually sport.)  That was an awesome feeling.  And then I went for my midnight walk along the river and through parts of the city before I came home.

As a result, I'm feeling much more peaceful.

Friday Thoughts: Impermanence

Nothing lasts forever.  Therefore, cherish the good at all times and let go of the bad as soon as you are able.

Promising conversations

I've been talking to a new guy online the past couple of evenings.  On Monday, he contacted me out of the blue and started up a conversation.  It's been going pretty well.  Have you ever had one of those connections with someone where the conversation floats easily and freely from talking about family to dinner plans to sexual fantasies to movies?  That's what our conversations have been like.

Something like this would be nice.

Granted, there's been a lot of talk about sexual fantasies.  The thing is, the two of us seem to be quite compatible in that department, we have many complementary interests and are each open to the things the other is into even when it's not something we already share in common.  So the moment of truth will come this weekend, which is likely the first time we will meet in person.  (Yes, Colorful is probably going to get his freak on the first meeting.  I'd say shame on me, but I have no shame.)

I'll admit that this is a nice relief for me, as this guy actually seems to be genuinely interested in me, as opposed to "whoever is available."  Given the tendency I've had for running into guys who are better described as seeing me as merely "a convenient piece of ass," it's a nice change.  It will also speak to some of my recent frustrations.

I've been turning down a lot of those other guys lately.  I've been saying "No" a lot.  And while I'm convinced that each time I made the right choice by saying "no," it doesn't change the fact that it also means that I've been letting certain needs I have go unanswered.  And when I don't see any better options -- options in the form of guys and attention I know I want and deserve -- it gets pretty frightening to hold onto my resolve rather than settling and getting whatever I can.

I don't know what will happen with this new guy.  For all I know, things will fall through and we won't be able to meet.  If we do meet, it could end up being a one-time thing.  Or it could be a whirlwind relationship, or something that will last longer.  All I know right now is that it's something better, something that gives me hope for something better.  And just allowing me that bit of hope -- even if it proves not to be totally founded -- makes this experience a welcome one.

Checkup, Part 3: Denial and Excuses

Continuing on with my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2), I'm now looking at the denial characteristics that I felt fit me back in early 2011:

• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening
• pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are
• tell themselves things will be better tomorrow
• get confused
• overeat
• watch problems get worse
• believe lies
• lie to themselves 
• wonder why they feel like they're going crazy

This is one of those areas where I particularly feel like I've come a long way.  When I was with Rumor Queen earlier this year, I saw the problems in our relationship.  I didn't try to deny that they existed.  I didn't make excuses for his choices that were hurting me and sabotaging our relationship.  I acknowledged them and eventually acted on them.  Furthermore, I acted on them by accepting that they were there and that there was no way I was going to make them go away, and I walked away as a result.

No more doing this!

Granted, it might have been better if I had walked away sooner, rather than keeping the relationship going for nearly a full month.  However, I felt I needed to give Rumor Queen time to fix the issues rather than immediately dumping him.  Perhaps I gave too much time, but that's something that I can perfect in future relationships (assuming my next relationship isn't phenomenal and lasts till death do us part).  After all, I'm not looking for perfection here, but progress.

Plus even while giving him a chance to fix things, I made it clear that he needed to fix things.  When he ignored me to feed one of his obsessions or get involved in someone else's drama, I made it perfectly clear that it was not cool that he did so and that I was unhappy about it.

When I was in similar situations with Hot Pants, back before I went to therapy, I was much more inclined to make excuses for him.  "Oh, it's because of his bad family life."  "Oh, it's because of past abusive relationships."  Sure, I got angry with Hot Pants too and even made my anger and displeasure known.  But in the end, I'd eventually suck it up, stay with him, and make excuses for him.  Not so with Rumor Queen.

In general, I think I'm more willing to see people and situations as they really are.  In a lot of ways, I think it's because I'm less willing to settle for just anything, whether we're talking about romantic relationships or friendships.  I've come to accept that I'm a quality guy who deserves quality people in his life.  What's more, if someone is not being a quality friend (or lover), I'm far more willing to call them out or even just drop them if I don't think calling them out will do any good.

Tiring weekend

This weekend was pretty tiring for me.  On Saturday, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and could not get back to sleep.  I laid in bed until about 6:20, when I finally decided that if I was up, I might as well get active and do something.  So it occurred to me that I could go for a walk, as I hadn't gone for one the night before.  So I got up, threw on a pair of shorts and the tee shirt from the previous night, and headed out the door.  I have to say that I think I liked going for an early morning walk as much as I like my late night walks.

When I got back, I decided to get my laundry going, so I gathered up a bunch of non-work clothes and started the washer.  Then I came upstairs and decided to hop in the shower.  I didn't take a proper shower, mind you.  I wanted to wait until I had the clothes I wanted to wear clean.  Instead, I simply rinsed off the sweat and gunk.  Once I got that done, I stripped down both of the beds so I could throw the sheets and pillowcases in the washer as soon as the clothes were done.  Saturday basically become a wash-day at that point, as I then decided to wash the pillows from my bed, as they seemed gross to the touch.

With the washer and dryer both going, I decided to sit down and do some writing.  Like my reading, I haven't done a lot of writing in recent months, and I'm slowly trying to change that.  Saturday, I mostly wrote erotic short stories, which is something I enjoy.  I like to publish them online and I seem to have a small following of people who like my stuff.  A few even occasionally message me to ask when I'm going to write more.  It's a good feeling.

I hope at some point to get back to some of my other stories, though.  Or start new stories.  I certainly enjoy erotic fictions (it's a great way for me to explore my own desires and feelings, after all), but I also like being a writer in general.  Plus, you know, I'd like to write things that I can show friends and family.  Well, non-perverted friends.  (Yes, I do have a few of them!)  Or even just the friends that aren't into gay male sex.

After that, I went to Home Bar for dinner and then back later in the night to go dancing and catch the first drag show.  I even tipped one of the queens.  (Now that I know who "she" is out of drag, I felt it appropriate.  Supporting friends is good, after all!)

I usually try to take a nap between dinner and going back to Home Bar, but that didn't work out this past Saturday.  I laid down and I rested my eyes, which helped, but that's not the same as getting regular sleep.  It made things especially rough on me, given how early I was up.  On Sunday, I was almost completely wiped and stayed home except for going back out to Home Bar around 9pm for a couple drinks and a late night walk in the city.  That's all I could muster given my energy levels, and I almost didn't do even that.

Overall, I thought it was a productive and fun weekend.

No LDR's for me

Today, a young man from a Midwestern state contacted me on a social networking site, asking if I'd like to chat.  Me being a friendly guy who like chatting -- especially with young, good-looking guys -- I said sure. We had a pleasant conversation right up until the point if he asked if I'm okay with long-distance relationships.  I told him that I'm not interested in that sort of thing.

It's hard to have this when you're
separated by multiple state lines.

Personally, I don't get the concept of getting into a long-distance relationship anymore.  I can certainly understand toughing it out if an established and stable relationship has to turn into a long distance relationship, say if one person in the relationship has to go on an extended trip for work or the couple is planning a move, but one has to move first while the other one stays behind to take care of business.  In those and similar situations, it makes sense to try and keep the relationship together until those in love can be reunited.  But notice that even in those circumstances, I would only think this if there was the understanding that the long-distance aspect of the relationship was temporary.

You see, the physical side of a relationship is just too important to me.  If I'm in love and involved with a guy, I expect and want us to be close enough that we can spend a significant amount of time holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and making love.  I expect us to be able to fall asleep laying next to each other -- possibly even holding each other -- if not every night, then multiple times a week.  Yes, there's more to a relationship than physical intimacy and sex.  There's common interests, communication, common goals, mutual support, and several other things.  But the physical intimacy and sex is an important and integral part, too.  And that's something I want and need on a regular basis, not just when the two of us can arrange to get to the same state, let alone the same city.

I think this is especially true when a relationship is just starting.  I've come to realize that the kind of physical closeness -- and yes, even sexual closeness and intimacy -- are important components in the process of building a developing relationship.  So I can't imagine limiting my ability to engage in that process more fully by "dating" someone who is hundreds of miles away from me.

I admit though, that I was more open to the idea when I was in my early twenties, just a bit older than this guy.  I don't know if my own experiences translate to him -- and don't wish to suggest they necessarily do -- but I know that for me, it was a matter of being somewhat desperate to find a guy to love.  I had just come out to myself and my friends and moved back to a very rural area.  There weren't a lot of openly gay guys and even less decent venues to find them anyway.  So I'd often meet guys from other places -- some of them hundreds of miles away -- and would want to get into a long-distance relationship with them.  I figured I didn't have any local prospects and -- to be honest -- I was a little desperate.

Of course, at the time, I also had this pie in the sky notion that if things worked really well, I could just move to wherever the guy in question lived.  This was at a time in my life when, as I've noted before, I was much more willing to quickly uproot myself for a guy.  To the point where with some of the guys, I would've moved if they asked me, as I had already convinced myself (way too soon, I admit in hindsight) that things would definitely work out.

Fortunately, I've grown a bit wiser and a bit more careful since then.  I'm not quite so willing to jump in and commit to something under an initial sense of euphoria, convincing myself that it will last.  These days, I want to build things more slowly and know that's the right thing to do.  So I'm not willing to jump into a long-distance relationship because the ability to build those up is severely limited.  I suppose you could say I'm not that patient.

Eating Out and Gay Community

I am a major fan of the whole "Eating Out" series of movies.  One of the thing I love best about the third movie is how it tackles the topic of gay community.  Here's a video of Casey, the main character, giving a speech toward the end of the movie about his experience with the gay community:

Personally, I think that's perfectly expressed.  I've known some people -- including other gay men -- who are very much against the gay community.  I have to wonder if they're talking about the same community I see, because they're descriptions of it are way too simplistic and one-dimensional.  I hope that some day, like Casey in the movie, they might come to see a broader and more diverse spectrum of people in our community.

Friday Thoughts: Choosing Action

There are things that I can change and there are things I can't change.  I can either choose to whine about the former or choose to get busy doing something about the latter.  Guess which one will get me someplace?

Setting better walking objectives

As I mentioned briefly, I've been lately rediscovering my love for walking and am therefore trying to do more of it.  It started out when I started going for midnight walks while at Home Bar in order to get away from the noisy crowds for a bit without leaving home.  The nice thing about Home Bar is that because it's in the city (and not too far from downtown), there are some nice and well-lit streets to walk along.  Even if I walk the few blocks to the river and take the river path toward downtown, it's well lit.  So it makes for a pleasant experience.  It also gives me some not-quite-alone time, meaning I can mostly get lost in my thoughts without having to shut out the shouts of others, yet I will infrequently cross paths with other people, to whom I can say hi and exchange other pleasantries.  Or in the case when I'm wearing one of my spicy tee shirts, they can stop and ask if they can take a picture, which is always a pleasant experience.  (Especially if it's a tee shirt with a saying I came up with myself.)

To expand on this practice, I've decided to start trying to walk regularly (ultimately, I'd like to make it a nightly thing, but I'm giving myself permission to miss a few nights for now, to help keep the pressure off) late at night here at home.  Walking around my home isn't quite as nice.  I live in a part of the suburbs that is somewhat isolated and poorly lit, when compared to the city proper.  Plus I'm not as likely to run into people while walking in my suburb.  Those I do run into don't seem to be as friendly either.  (Does something about living closely together in urban conditions tend to make people more likely to interact with those around them even if they're strangers?)  But the walk will still do me good.

I've started walking to the convenience store which is about a mile from my house.  Including the stop in the store itself to talk to whoever is working and picking up whatever I decide that I need, the round trip is taking me between forty and fifty minutes, which I think is a good start for now.

I had tried to get back into walking earlier in the year, but as I think about those efforts, I think I made a few mistakes which I hope to avoid this time around.  The first of those mistakes was trying to set a goal of walking for an hour each time I went out.  That began to tire me out quickly.  There was a time -- a few years ago -- when I could handle that objective with no problem.  But when I tried it in this Spring, I should have acknowledged it was beyond my current abilities.  I might work up to that again at some point, but I need to pick something more reasonable in the meantime.

Of course, I think the way I set objectives and then hold myself to them is something of a problem, too.  It turns an enjoyable stroll into a chore.  At that point, some part of me begins to resent the idea of walking and looks for reasons not to do it.  It's not good when I take something that I enjoy and not ruin it for me.  This time, I'm keeping that in mind and am trying not to set hard-fast rules.  I'm trying to keep it enjoyable, and look at what walking I want to accomplish -- where I want to go -- rather than trying to "walk out a clock."

Another mistake that I made was in not making my walks work with my schedule.  I would often try to find someplace to go to walk.  In many ways, this made sense to me.  After all, as I noted, staying here near my home and walking is uninteresting.  Going to one of the park trails or walking along the river is much more enjoyable.  Walking downtown is much more enjoyable.

The problem is, all those walks require me to first drive miles to those locations.  This adds more of a time commitment to the process.  It doesn't matter how nice the walking trail is, if it means another twenty to forty minutes to drive there, that cuts into my schedule.  As such, I'm trying to go with the "walk where I am" idea.  If I'm at home and have time for a walk, I'll go for a walk to the convenience store.  If I'm at Home Bar, I can enjoy my midnight (or after dinner, in tonight's case) walks downtown and/or along the river.  And then if I really have  a lot of extra time and feel like it, I can occasionally treat myself to a special trip to a park or some other location.

Returning to the reading adventures

The past few days, I've been making a conscious effort to make time for reading.  Reading is one of those pastimes that I love, but often forget about.  In many ways, I suppose it's because to me, reading runs somewhat contrary to the major objective I'm focusing on right now, which is getting out, being sociable, and meeting more people.  By its very nature, the act of reading is a solitary practice.  I mean, sure, you can join book discussion groups (if you can find such groups that enjoy reading the books you enjoy) and socialize that way.  I don't do that, though.  I'm not sure I want to do that, either.  So when I look at my choice to read or go out, I consider what I'm trying to do with my life right now and feel going out makes more sense.

No bed-side table is complete
without a few of these.

Of course, there's plenty of other alone time, time I normally spend watching stuff of Netflix or pulling something out of my DVD collection.  I do that a lot because to me, it's mindless entertainment.  When I read, I engage much more of my brain.  I try to pull myself into the word of Frey (to use my current reading material as an example), see what's going on, feel what she's going through, and so on.  Watching movies and television, I can let the images on the screen do all that work for me.  It's a much more passive pastime.  Plus, to my mind at least, it seems easier on my eyes, which spend way too much time looking at strange words at work anyway.

But I've come to realize that I also don't get as much enjoyment out of watching movies and television as I do reading precisely because it's so passive.  Reading actually exercises my brain, gives it something to latch on to and explore.  It keeps my brain active and in shape, in a way.  And I think I've been noticing a certain amount of brain-rot due to the lack of stimulation in my life recently.  (Eros forbid that any other part of my body starts rotting from lack of recent stimulation!  So I've decided to make a disciplined habit of converting some of my "braindead viewing time" into reading time.  I figure even if I have to take a fifteen minute power nap first in order to feel like I can muster the mental energy to read, I'll do it.  And who knows, maybe it'll actually help me build more mental energy in the future so I'll be more ready to read.

In some ways, I think I've already found that.  Between the reading and walking (something else I'm trying to do more of), I've felt increasingly energized and alert over the past couple days.

Happy to be canceled on

I was supposed to have a date tonight, but the guy contacted me and told me that he had to work instead.  In many ways, I'm rather relieved by this, as I was having my doubts about this date.  In some ways he seemed way too needy and clingy while we conversed online.  For example, when he originally asked me if I wanted to have dinner back on Saturday, I said I would be available Tuesday or Wednesday evening.  As the conversation progressed, he asked if there was any chance I'd be free on Sunday.  I told him that I already had plans.  Personally, I would have thought that would have been obvious from the fact that I didn't include Sunday in my list of days that would work for me.  So that right there struck me as a boundary violation of the "I want you to rearrange your life to suit my needs" variety.

When I hear this guy in my
head, it's time to rethink a date.

Then when he reconfirmed that I was still planning on going out with him, he said something about meeting at the Mexican restaurant I recommended and then going back to his place "for dessert."  Now, don't get me wrong, I've had sex with a guy on the first date before.  I've also done the casual sex thing as well.  I'm not opposed to moving things that fast.  But after the whole "can't you meet me on a day other than the ones you've already indicated you're free on" bit, that somehow didn't sit well with me.  It seemed to me like the fact that we would have sex was a foregone conclusion.  And bear in mind, we've only ever talked online.  Even when I do agree to meet someone specifically for the purpose of having sex, I like to have the sense that I can get there, re-examine how I feel about the situation, and even change my mind if it comes to that.  I felt like this guy wasn't going to give me that option and try some high-pressure tactics (which has happened to me in the past) to keep me committed to having sex with him.

So I told him honestly that I'd rather just plan on meeting for dinner and see how that goes before making any definite plans about "dessert."  He said okay, and that was the end of the conversation for the evening.  But the whole experience still bothered me.

When I woke up this morning, I had pretty much decided that unless it was a fantastic date -- and I came close to canceling even the date myself -- there pretty much wasn't going to be any sexual conduct.  I also decided I'd make sure we "went dutch" on dinner so there wouldn't be any sense of "owing" him if he paid for my food.

But then I got his message around noon, and it resolved the whole issue.  He didn't indicate whether he wants to reschedule.  If he does try to reschedule, I'll have to decide if I really want to, given my misgivings.  But in the meantime, I can enjoy a peaceful night of cartoons and reading.

Spicy is good, right?

Last night, I went to a nice restaurant that specializes in New Orleans style cooking.  I had been there before, but the woman who served me is someone I had never seen before.  We hit it off quite well, and I think I can count her among my "adoring fans" now.  As she was getting ready to take my order, she asked me, "What would you like from the menu?"  This question and the way she phrased it made me laugh, and I told her that I was impressed, because most people didn't ask such a specific question, which left me with plenty of room to give creative and not always appropriate (though no one has complained yet) answers.

Getting this reaction
from people is fun!

Apparently, this piqued her curiosity, because a couple times throughout my meal, she asked me if I wanted anything else, leaving off the qualifying phrase.  The first time, I shrugged it off as an amusing coincidence.  After all, it's much quicker and more efficient to just say "Do you want anything else?"  But then she came back a second time and asked the same question.  I blinked because I was pretty sure she emphasized the word anything this time.  I was still trying to decide if she was actually trying to set me up for one of my comments.

As an aside, I've never liked it when people do that to me.  I prefer to keep my zaniness 100% spontaneous and opportunistic.  The moment someone sets me up for a comment (especially in a way that's obvious), the whole thing feels forced and unnatural.  Plus I suddenly feel like I'm performing on command, which bothers me.

At the end of the meal, the young woman did confess that indeed, she was trying to elicit a response from me just to see what kind of things I said.  I turned to her and explained, "Well, usually if a server asks me if I want anything, I say something like, 'Well yeah.  But I'm pretty sure it would be illegal for you to provide me with a good looking guy.'"

She burst out laughing and exclaimed, "Oh my!  You are a spicy one!"  I just smiled and said thank you.  I'm sure that the next time she serves me while I'm there, it'll be an interesting experience for both of us.  But I love doing things like that.  It gives most people a laugh.  I think in a lot of ways, I think I sometimes end up saying the kinds of things other people would love to say, but are too shy or reserved to go out on that limb.

Fortunately, Hellcat has me pretty well trained when it comes to going out on limbs.

Fun on a crazy night

Last night, I went to Home Bar, and it was a madhouse, even more than usual.  When I got there at 10:30, the parking lot was completely full, which meant that I had to park a couple blocks away and walk there.  I'm not complaining though, as that just meant more walking time for me.  I'm starting to remember just how much I enjoy walking.  (Note to self:  Start looking for walking partners.  Seriously.)

After the chaos of trying to
order one of these, I needed it.

I digress....oh yes, the parking lot was full by 10:30, which never happens.  In reality, I don't think I've ever seen the parking lot full.  I've seen a huge number of cars there around midnight, but there's always a few spaces still available.  So when I get there, I stop by to say high to the guys selling burgers and hot dogs outside, as I normally do.  Then I headed for the front door, got waved through by security, got my wristband, and walked into wall-to-wall people.

There's usually a crowd at Home Bar on Saturday nights, and getting through the place often involves squeezing or crowding through groups of people, but doing so was significantly more difficult than usual.  And getting to the bar to get a drink took five to ten minutes.  That's not the time that I stood waiting for the bartender to ask me what I wanted once I was standing at the bar.  That was the time I spent waiting for the people in front of me to get their drinks and move out of the way for those of us behind them.  I ended up spending a rather small amount of time actually inside.  Between the crowd, the heat, and the noise, it was much more pleasant to stand on the sidewalk outside, which were also pretty full, considering the number of people who had the same thinking.

I think the amusing thing about all this was that last night was a night I kept running into people who are no longer in my life, specifically those people who are no longer in my life for good reason.  They'd come up to me (or I'd walk past them and offer a polite "hello" or a playful elbow to the abs in one case).  In a few cases, I'd stop because a brief conversation would ensue.  Then I'd move on, shaking my head and smiling at my renewed intention to continue to leave them out of my life.

In many ways, it was comforting because it reinforced and reaffirmed the choices I've been making over the past couple of years.  It was nice to be able to smile and (in some cases) speak politely with people who I used to desperately want -- and thought I needed -- in my life, and know that they would quickly fade from my life again and know that is a good thing.

Of course I think the real show of how much I've changed is my reaction to a new guy who said hello to me.  He ended up asking for my number.  I gave it to him, but I don't expect to hear from him.  And while I'm a bit disappointed, I'm also greatly okay with it.  I got the impression that he was more interested in scoring a free drink than in pursuing anything from me.  At least, that's the most reasonable explanation I can think of for his transition from "You're adorable and I want to take you home with me tonight" to "I need to get going, let me have your number so you can call me sometime."

Overall, it was a beautiful and tiring night.  I'm glad I've decided to take it easy today until I head back out to Home Bar later this afternoon (or maybe early evening) to meet some friends.

Enjoying Pride Weekend

It's the tail end of Pride Week here in my town, and there are more activities going on than there are orgies in a bathhouse.  I've actually skipped all the "official" pride events so far.  I'm debating whether I want to go to the final, big blow-out event that's taking place in one of the local parks tomorrow.  I've gone in years past and it's pretty nice, not to mention a good opportunity to pick up new pride paraphernalia.  But at the same time, I usually go alone and while I certainly run into people there and chat briefly, it gets pretty boring for a lone wanderer rather quickly.

Mind you, I haven't spent the weekend being a hermit.  I spent most of this afternoon at Home Bar, sipping cheap vodka cocktails (vodka and cran, to be precise) and enjoying the burgers and hot dogs that Management and his partner were selling outside.  I spent a few hours going back and forth between having a drink inside and having something to eat outside and talking to the incredibly funny cooks.  Well, cook and server.  It's my understanding that Management shouldn't be allowed to get too close to an open flame.

I'm getting ready to head back to Home Bar now.  I want to go and see the various friends I know will be there, have another hot dog or burger, check out the nice eye candy, enjoy some good music, and possibly catch part of the drag show (though I haven't committed to that yet).  And I'm sure at some point, I'll go for my 30-60 minute long "midnight walk," which has become something of a tradition for me when I go out late at night.  (It's much more pleasant than trying to walk when it's sweltering, like it was this afternoon.)

To me, this seems like a much more pleasant celebration of Pride, spending it with the people I've gotten to know and build relationships with.  There will be plenty of laughs (and raunchy jokes), hugs, and who knows what else.  And unlike tomorrow's event in the park, there's no charge to get in.  I just have to pay for whatever I consume.

What dreams may cum

Content Notice:  Frank sexual talk ahead.

Last night, I had a dream about Pianoman.  This isn't entirely surprising, I suppose, as he and I have been talking online the past week or so.  I think he's hoping to get back together with me for some more fun. Unfortunately, I'm still not that interested in going there again.  At least most of me isn't interested in going there again.  I will admit that it's been long enough since I've been with another guy, the temptation to say yes just for the sheer pleasure of having another guy inside of me is pretty strong.

Apparently, my unconscious mind is on the "come on, it would feel good" side of the argument, though I'm pleased to note that even my dream self was hesitant and had its reservations.  But in my dream, Pianoman showed up at my home (actually, I think it was my parents' home, which was a bit strange) and we got talking.  He made the first move and started trying to talk me into sucking him off.  So my dream self decided that this sounded like fun -- and that despite my reservations, I really needed it.  So we ended up getting naked and I laid down on the couch in front of the picture window (the couch and window were the clues that this was my parents' home) and he straddled my chest and started feeding me his still-soft member.  (Note to my unconscious mind:  If you're going to put Pianoman in my dreams, please get the important details right.  Even soft, he's a lot bigger than you portrayed him.  I should've been gagging in that position.)

It's been a long time since I've been this bashful about what
I like.  (Image from the awesome movie, Latter Days.)

The dream quickly fell apart and I woke up shortly after that, which was both comforting and unsatisfying.  I'm not sure what my unconscious mind was playing at, other than trying to play out the conflicted feelings I'm experiencing over the guy in my waking life.  I guess there's a part of me that still wishes things could be different so Pianoman and I could get back together again.  I suppose it's also unconscious mind's way of sorting through what exactly would have to be different, as that seemed to be a lot of what the lead-in to the actual sexual part was about.  For example, one of the reasons my dream self allowed things to proceed was that dream Pianoman had taken the initiative and put in the effort to seek me out, as opposed to trying to find me when it was convenient.  Then there's the position we took in our play (one that I love, but one that I've never experienced with the real Pianoman).

As I think about it, I think I'm wrong about one thing.  I don't think my mind is so much looking for excuses to say yes to Pianoman or to seek out the reasons I'm saying no to change him.  I think my mind is trying to understand why I'm telling Pianoman no so that I can better understand what to look for in the next guy I consider telling yes.

That realization makes me feel far more comfortable about having a dream -- especially a sexual one -- about a guy I know I have no future with.

Nothing "guilty" about my pleasures

Tonight, I brought my Thai takeout home, headed upstairs, and decided to watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back on Netflix.  When I first saw the movie in theaters when it came out, I didn't care for it much.  Since then, it's grown on me and it's quite possibly my second favorite Kevin Smith movie, exceeded by Dogma alone.  I love the zany stupidity and mindless comedy in these movies, and the fact that I find Jason Mewes mildly attractive for some inexplicable reason just adds to their allure.  (Okay, having just looked at some of the other pictures of Jason that I just saw on IMDB, I think I"m upgrading him to "full on attractive.")

This caption has been censored.

Some people are occasionally surprised that I go for such mindless movies, most likely because I often surround myself with intellectual and artsy types.  And I kind of see that.  A lot of times, I enjoy strong intellectual pursuits and exploring philosophical ideas.  The truth is, though, a guy can't be insightful and profound all the time.  At least this guy can't.  Sometimes, I just want to shut off my brain and enjoy something that is mostly mindless, where the humor is obvious and maybe even a little (or a lot) juvenile.

Some people might refer to such things as guilty pleasures.  I prefer not to.  I find nothing guilty about them, and I find it disturbing that I should have to apologize or feel badly about liking something that brings me pleasure just because it doesn't meet some standard of class or intellectualism.  Some times, it simply does the soul good to laugh at a pie in the face, a good fart joke, or raunchy humor that you'd expect from a group of middle (or high) school boys.  After all, I was one of those boys once upon a time.  Or I would have been if I didn't have such a huge stick up my butt back then.  But that's probably another blog post.

Drama Addiction

One of the things that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of being addicted to drama. In fact, that's what led me to write last Friday's brief post.  It just seems to me that a lot of people -- myself included at one point -- have this need to have drama in our lives, no matter how much we complain about it.  I've called it being a drama queen (where the drama is clearly and directly owned by the queen) as opposed to a drama addict (who tends to needlessly involve themselves in other people's drama).

Imagine my delight when I read the part in Melody Beattie's book where she addresses the topic in those very words:

Many codependents become what some people call drama or crises addicts.  Strangely enough, problems can become addicting.  If we live with enough misery, crises, and turmoil long enough, teh fear and stimulation caused by problems can become a comfortable emotional experience.  In her excellect book, Getting Them Sober, Volume II, Toby Rice Drews refers to this feeling as "excited misery."  After a while, we can become so used to involving our emotions with problems and crises that we may get and stay involved with problems that aren't our concern.  We may even start making troubles or making troubles greater than they are to create stimulation for ourselves.  This is especially true fi we have greatly neglected our own lives and feelings.  When we're involved with a problem, we know we're alive.  When the problem is solved, we may feel empty and void of feeling.  Nothing to do.  Being in crisis becomes a comfortable place, and it saves us from our humdrum existence. It's like getting addicted to soap operas, except the daily crises occur in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.  "Will Ginny leave John?"  "Can we save Herman's job?"  "How will Henrietta survive this dilemma?"

I remember so well the first weekend after I threw Hot Pants out of my life (the first time).  I sat at home going nuts.  There was no drama.  Things were way too quiet.  I ended up calling Southern Helle and telling her, "I've forgotten how to deal with the silence!  I don't know how to enjoy a drama-free night!"

This is the only kind of drama
I want to be addicted to now.

Why do we do it for ourselves?  I think Melody hit a lot of the reasons in the paragraph I quoted.  However, I think some of the stuff that she mentions elsewhere in the book applies too.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that other people's drama makes us interesting.  I often felt like my own life, my own interests, and my own activities were terribly boring to most people.  So getting involved in other people's drama and trying to fix their crises was a way to be "interesting by proxy," if you will.  Sure, I wasn't the major player getting all the attention, but I'd get some of the attention from being the drama queen's supporter and rescuer.

For me, part of learning to break that cycle has been about learning that I can be and even am interesting in my own right.  Rather than wrapping myself around other people's drama, I'm learning to put myself out there more as a funny, interesting, and thoughtful guy with my own ideas, interests and pursuits.  It's still a work in progress for me, but I think there's been a lot of progress.  And I know it's already showing.

Takes more than wishful thinking

This morning, I woke up and discovered that Rumor Queen sent me a friend request on Facebook.  I decided to accept his request.  I figure that he'll be on my friend list for a month or so, then when I go to purge said friend list, he'll come back off it on the grounds that we haven't talked.  It seems to be the way things go.

I noticed today that he posted something last night on his timeline about missing me.  So I decided to brooch the subject and ask the all important question:

So what are you going to do about it?

This isn't going to
get him what he wants.

When he repeated that he missed me, I explained it more clearly.  I pointed out that he should still have my phone number and could text me at any time.  I pointed out that he could contact me on twitter or facebook or even comment on my blog.  I pointed out that he could invite me to go for a walk or something at some point.  My point was simple:  There are dozens of ways in which he could initiate contact and communicate with me.  It's simply a question of what he's willing to do.

As near as I can tell, it went completely over his head.  It's as if he expects the fact that he's announced that he misses me is all he has to do, and now he can sit back and wait until I magically get back into his life.

There's just one problem:  He's the one missing me.  I won't say that I don't miss him at all, but I'm doing okay without having him in my life, and while I'm not opposed to spending some time with him as  a friend (as long as he doesn't try to involve me in his or his other friends' drama), I'm also not hot to do so and am not really interested in making much effort at it.

If he wants to get back into my life (and note, I'm not interested in setting aside my life to get into his), then he's going to have to do what's necessary to do it.  Otherwise, he can go right on missing me.

Taking it easy

Looks about right.

I think I overdid it this weekend.  Between going out Saturday night until almost 4am and then spending most of yesterday at Home Bar after seeing a movie, I didn't get a lot of sleep and ran myself down.  I had a good time, but I think I made a new rule for myself:  If I have a social event on Sunday, I should stay home and rest up Saturday night.

I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

Busy Day

Channing Tatum didn't do anything this steamy.

I got up this morning, started some laundry, then went out to watch "Magic Mike" at the theater.  I think I was the only guy in the half-full theater.  It was an okay movie, though I'm glad I got a good deal on the tickets.  There's more story-line to the movie than I expected, which was nice.  It could have been developed more.  As for the eye candy aspect of the movie, it was pleasant to see a bunch of mostly naked men gyrating their hips on stage and seeing Channing Tatum's naked ass was pleasant enough.  However, having watched hot and sensual scenes in movies like Eating Out 3, the scenes in this movie seemed relatively tame and cheap.

After that, I ran to the store to pick up a few necessities and come back home to throw the laundry in the dryer, which I forgot to do before leaving for the theater.  Once that's done, I plan on pulling a favorite shirt out of the dryer, changing my clothes, and heading out for a small social event that's part of Pride Week around here.  (Yes, my city has Pride Week in July rather than June for some reason.  Go figure.)

Just another busy Sunday for the Colorful One.

Thunderstorms: Soothing and Intimate

Today, my city is being hit by a string of thunderstorms.  I love it.  I find it a welcome and much needed break from the hot and sunny days we've been experiencing lately.  In many ways, I think I prefer a nice rainy day, provided I don't begin wondering when my corner of the earth started having a monsoon season.

Sunny days are pleasant, but after a while, the bright sun and scorching heat it tends to bring becomes harsh.  The bright rays bouncing off any white or even light surface begins to take its toll on my extra-sensitive eyes, and I begin to dread spending outdoors in the headache-inducing brightness.

How glorious!

A nice rainy day, on the other hand, strikes me as soothing and enveloping.  I feel like the dampness in the air cradles my body as I calmly walk -- providing the rain isn't so great that I'm running to avoid becoming completely drenched -- to wherever it is I'm headed.  There is something about a damp, rainy day that leaves me feeling as if I'm not alone, that there are those unseen companions who walk with me every step of the way.  I do not often get that same sense on a hot and sunny day.  Perhaps the harsh light and heat drives my unseen friends away.  Or perhaps the harsh light blinds me to them.

And if the rain is being brought by a thunderstorm, then the glorious light show that accompanies that feeling of closeness and comfort is magnificent.  Today, I watched as perfect zig-zags of lightning arced from cloud to cloud, and sometimes fell from the sky to the earth.  It's the sort of thing that leaves me breathless (and wishing for a way to catch such a display with my digital camera).

Today is the sort of day that would only be made more perfect by a companion to share such a moment with.  I could imagine sitting with a lover on a porch swing, or better yet, on a blanket spread beneath the sheltering arms of a giant tree.  We could sit in our (relatively) dry and comforting shelter, arm in arm, and watch quietly as the gods enthralled us with the whimsical show of brilliant arcs of lightning and crashing thunder.  Such a lover and I would revel in the magnificence around and the intimate sense of togetherness we shared.  Who knows, perhaps if our safe haven was private enough, we might make love, giving the gods a sight to behold in return.

Brief thought for the day

If we refuse to heed the warning signs, whose fault is that?

People who loudly proclaim they hate drama seem to keep finding it anyway.  Perhaps the solution is to quit talking about how much we hate drama and just walk away when we spot it.

Seventeen month checkup, Part 2

I figured I'd finish commenting on the first list of codependent traits as a continuation of my last post.

• abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else

Loving
myself!

I think I've gotten better about this one.  This is a bad habit I got into with Hot Pants.  He'd have an emergency (often one that he created for himself) and I'd drop everything -- even leaving work -- to take care of whatever he needed at that moment.  Since then, I've taken a much harder stance that anyone's self-generated emergency is not my problem.  I've also made it clear that any emergency that can wait will wait.  After all, they aren't really emergencies if they can wait.  And a lot more things can wait than some people realize.

• feel harried and pressured
• blame others for the spot the codependents are in

Again, I've come to realize that most things are not as pressing as out of control people like to pretend they are.  As such, I give myself permission to take my time in dealing with situations, if I decide to deal with them at all.

As for blaming others, I don't do that much.  If someone is out of control, I'm much more likely to "cut bait" these days.  I figure it's not my problem to begin with, and I'm not the one in a spot.

• feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

This still happens on occasion, mainly because I'm still too kindhearted for my own good.  After all, overcoming this sort of thing is a work in progress.  But there's been a lot of progress made.  I'd say that these days, this is a monthly occurrence when I stop and point out to myself that I'm taking on a bit too much.  Back in 2010, it was a more-than-daily occurence.

• blame themselves for everything
• get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise

The first one is practically a non-issue.  Now I only take responsibility for my own choices.  Also, I've accepted than I can't control everything, so I have no reason to blame myself for other people's choices, which was the real problem.

I still occasionally struggle with feeling underappreciated, though.

• feel different from the rest of the world

I still struggle with this, though it's getting better.  I actually feel like part of the crowd at Home Bar, which is a good sign of progress.

• fear rejection

I don't struggle with this as much.  I've accepted that some people aren't just going to get along with me.  I'm also coming to realize that those who won't get along with me are usually the kind of people I'm better off without.  The process of separation is still a bit painful, though.  And I fear facing that pain at times.

I don't take it quite as personally though.

• take things personally

Guess I just answered that one.

• feel like victims

Not so much.  I sometimes (and rightfully, I think) feel like I've been wronged.  But I don't feel like a victim.  When I'm wronged, it's a matter of someone behaving badly (and possibly a sign that I've trusted the wrong person), but I don't see myself as constantly being taken advantage of anymore.

• be afraid of making mistakes
• expect themselves to do everything right

I'm still a bit of a perfectionist and I have very high standards for myself.  But at the same time, I feel I'm much more forgiving of myself when I make a mistake.  I don't spend nearly as much time kicking myself or wondering what I could have done differently "if I had been paying better attention."  (See?  It's that whole control thing again.)

• feel a lot of guilt
• try to help other people live their lives instead

I'm pretty much over feeling guilty and avoiding my own problems by fixing other people's lives.  Thank Athena.

• wish other people would like and love them

I still struggle with this a bit, though I'm much more aware of the people who do care deeply about me and love me.

• settle for being needed

I am so over this one.  It's one of the reasons I still struggle with the previous item.  I spent so much time defining my value to others by what I could do for them that I often feel like that's the only reason I was ever valued.  I now want to be valued for my sense of humor, my insight, my interests, and the fact that I'm adorable.

• worry about the silliest things
• think and talk a lot about other people
• lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior
• worry
• check on people
• try to catch people in acts of misbehavior
• feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems

These are all things of the past.  (Though I do think I've talked a bit about my frustrations with Sweet Cynic a bit too much lately.)

• abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something
• focus all their energy on other people and problems
• wonder why they never have any energy
• wonder why they can't get things done

Again, these are no longer problems.

The rest of this first list has to do with trying to control others.  I think I've already covered that topic.

I'll move on to the second list in a future post.

Seventeen month checkup

I think I've mentioned in passing that I have been to therapy.  I'm also pretty sure that I've mentioned that I was diagnosed as codependent.  When I was diagnosed back in 2010, I started a private, invite-only blog to write about my therapy sessions and my progress to learn to deal with my codependency and make the necessary changes in my life, thoughts, and behaviors.  This morning, I started thumbing through that blog to see if there are any posts I might lift and share (after editing for anonymity of course) here.  As I skimmed, I ran across a couple of posts where I went through the checklist Melody Beattie offers in her boofk describing various characteristics a codependent person might exhibit and offered thoughts on the ones that applied to me.

As I scanned the list, I decided it would be interesting to see how much those same points apply to me now that it's been almost eighteen months.  So here we go.

• think and feel responsible for other people -- for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
• feel compelled -- almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggesstions, or fixing feelings.

This book helped
me so much!

This is something I can say I'm almost completely over.  I think my relationship with Rumor Queen proved that a great deal.  I was willing to let him experience whatever emotions he experienced (something that sometimes didn't sit well with him).  The only time his emotions bothered me was when he used his emotions as an excuse to act in ways that negatively affected me.  In those cases, I didn't seek to change how he felt.  I simply made it clear that I wasn't going to put up with his attempts to make me "wear" whatever he was feeling.  "Feel what you want.  But get your behavior under control or we're going to have a problem."

I'm also much happier to let people solve their own problems and fix their own messes.  I've watched Sweet Cynic make some doozies of mistakes^[1] and kept quiet about it.  I simply don't have the time to rescue people from their own bad choices.  I'd rather spend that time treating myself to a manicure or going to see a movie.

Oh, there are days I struggle, mind you.  I think the ones I struggle with most are when I see other people acting in a manner that suggests codependency.  When I see other people trying to control other people's emotional state or behavior, it's very tempting to step in and "make them stop."  Which is an understandable impulse.  Knowing from personal experience how self-destructive codependent behavior can be, it's perfectly understandable that I don't want to watch other people, especially people I care about, engage in it.

The thing is, trying to control other people's codependent behavior is still codependent behavior on my part, so I'm working on letting that go as well.  I've been doing okay.  Not perfectly, but okay.  And that's fine.  (After all, demanding unreasonable perfection from oneself is another common trait among codependent people.  So I'm working to break that pattern as well.)

• wonder why others don't do the same for them

I don't wonder about this so much.  At this point, if others don't seem to do as much more me as I do for them, I simply figure they can't or don't want to.  Then I decide if I think the friendship is worth continuing given the imbalance.

Of course it also helps that I have been more open about my needs with some of the friends I know I can trust.  I've come to acknowledge those people that I can go to if I really need something -- money, a shoulder to cry on, help moving a body -- and simply say, "hey I need this."

That's something that as a codependent person I struggled with (and still do to a lesser extent):  Believing that I have the right to ask for help rather than just waiting for someone to realize I need help and offer it.  I'm learning to overcome that, though.

• find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves

I think I pretty much covered this in a recent post.  To recap, I don't always say yes, but I rely too much on excuses and avoidance rather than just saying, "Sorry, I don't want to do that."

• find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves

I think I've gotten much better about this.  I certainly had no problems expressing my anger with Rumor Queen when I felt he wronged me.

• feel safest when giving
• feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them

I think I covered this above.  I sometimes still give too much, but I'm getting quicker at realizing when that's happening.  And I'm slowly getting better about asking in return when I have a need.

• find themselves attracted to needy people
• find needy people attracted to them

I think the first one is less true of me.  I'm also learning to put distance between myself and needy people.  I do still feel like I attract more needy people than I'd care to.  But I'm also attracting more well-balanced and independent people.  I have people like Management and Sassy Waiter in my life now as well.

Plus I'm less needy myself, which I think helps.  I'm not relying so much on other people to fulfill my needs.  I'm not so desperate to feel like I'll belong that I'll cling to anyone who shows me the slightest interest.  To be totally blunt, I've been developing (higher) standards.

• feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help

Well, for starters, I'm starting to learn to leave my love of problem-solving at work.  As for crises, I've found that a much quieter life is far more enjoyable than one that has me jumping from crisis to crisis.

Plus I've rediscovered my love of blogging and writing.  I've made new friends and try to spend more time with them.  Plus I'm building ways to socialize that don't involve crises and other drama.  In short, I'm taking all that energy I used to spend on drama and channeling it into activities and relationships that are much more interesting, much more fulfilling, and infinitely more enjoyable.

I think I'll stop there for now.  I'm only halfway through the bulleted items of the first checklist post, but I think this has gotten long enough for one day.

---

^[1]We're talking about a guy who starts randomly texting someone he hasn't talked to for years, tells the guy he's having a late night meal with me, thinks nothing of it when said guy shows up at the restaurant uninvited and waits in the car until he comes outside to talk, and is totally shocked that said guy "turns out" to be totally controlling a few days later.  Dude, if you can't see the alarm bells when a guy pulls a stunt like that, you're beyond my help.

Fuzzy revisited

It occurred to me the other day, that I never followed up on what happened between me and Fuzzy Pro, who I met back in mid-June.  That's mainly because I'm not exactly sure what happened myself.  All I know is what didn't happen.

I ended up going to the event his club was holding at Manly Bar that Saturday (June 16).  I found him when I got there.  He was busy working.  He smiled and said hi, then told me that he'd be going on break in about twenty minutes.  I nodded okay, ordered myself a (nonalcoholic, sadly) drink, and hung out at the bar, assuming he'd come over and let me know when he was actually on break.

See?  Still whole!

Thirty minutes later, I was still standing at the bar.  I glanced around, and realized he wasn't at his post, so I began wandering around the bar, looking to see if I could find him.  When I was reasonably certain I couldn't see him, I decided to step outside to see if he grabbed a quick smoke.  Sure enough he was outside, talking to friends.  I found it strange that he didn't come let me know he was on break, but I figured I'd just join him and his friends.  So I walked up, joined their group.  He looked at me and went on talking with his friends.  For his entire break, which lasted roughly an hour.

Mind you, he didn't completely ignore me, though I doubt he said more than fifty words directly to me the entire time.  He did introduce me to a couple of his friends.  It was all just very weird.  So when he finished his final cigarette and announced he had to go back to work, I told him that I was leaving.  I explained that I had had a rough day which had left me really tired and not feeling well (all of which was true) and that I needed to get back home so I could rest.  So he gave me a quick smooch (which I get the impression is the equivalent of a handshake in the circles he moves in) and went back in.  I went back home.

I assumed this meant that at some point between our first meeting that Thursday and the time I said goodbye on Saturday, he lost interest in me.  Since I haven't heard a word from him since then, I'm fairly confident my original interpretation was the correct one.

I can't say as I'm too upset about this.  Even that night, other than the disappointment of not having my hopes of at least a couple enjoyable dates (and maybe a romp in the bedroom or playroom) out of the experience, I was fairly okay with the fact that he lost interest.  I suppose in a lot of ways, my recent choices to be more particular about who I want to get romantically or even sexually involved with has also helped me learn not to take it so personally when a guy isn't interested or loses interest.  I can live with the fact that he simply decided I wasn't quite what he was looking for.  And I'm totally past my old tendency to try to find out what's wrong so I could "change" myself to suit a guy's tastes better.  Hey, I figure if a guy isn't into who I am and what I bring to the table, some other guy down the road will be.  And that guy will figure out pretty quick that he's one lucky bastard.

I will admit that I'm still a bit bothered that there was no explanation or no indication of, "Hey, you seem great, but I decided I'm looking for something different after all."  But even that is a minor annoyance and not something that's worth making  scene over.

And besides, he still totally checked me out, and that's still awesome.