Apparently, it's a problem with books too.

Back in June, I complained about the "gay movie ghetto."  In that post, I offered up my wish for certain kinds of gay movies:

I want a different kind of gay movie.  I want a movie where a hero happens to be gay, but whose heroism is defined by something other than his (or her) sexual orientation.  I want a movie about Wyoming Smith, who faces the same kind of perilous traps and adrenaline-inducing fights and escapes that Indiana Jones faced, but rather than drawing beautiful woman closer in triumph, runs a hand along the well-muscled arm of his local guide and companion, says, "I couldn't have made it through without you," and gives him a passionate kiss.  I want a comedy where zany things happen to Tim at the office, and he comes home to tell his husband Bruce about it.

Today, Ana Mardoll offered similar thoughts regarding Young Adult fiction:

It makes me wish that there was more out there to be had and read. Books where QUILTBAG people are just plain people, doing people-y things, and existing in the genres that I read and loved as a kid. Sort of a We're here, we're queer, we're going to drop that fucking ring into Mount Doom and knock off for elvish pastries. I want that. My niece, and other girls like her, deserve that.

Well said, Ana!

"Cybering isn't really my thing."

The title of this post is in quotes because I actually found myself uttering that phrase tonight.  A young -- and rather cute, I might add -- guy approached me and started talking sexually to me.  It was clear that he intended the conversation to turn into an alright wankfest of cybersex.  So I figured I best politely, yet firmly put the breaks on.

Granted, there was a time when I was into cybersex, much like there was a time I was open to long distance relationships.  And as with those, I grew, my needs and views changed, and I realized that it wasn't working for me.  Interestingly enough, I'd say that the transition from liking both to finding them undesirable were nearly coincidental with one another.  In many ways, that makes sense.  My original interest in both were motivated by the same factors.  I was in a rather isolated area where finding out and gay guys was difficult.  Being out was somewhere between difficult and outright impossible.  So in addition to being open to the idea of getting away from that situation and moving away into the arms of Mr. Right, engaging in cybersex with guys online provided me not only a sexual outlet, but a way to explore the feelings and desires that were finally bursting out of the dark dungeon I had confined them to.

The thing is, while cybersex is great for exploring and expressing one's desires, it doesn't really fulfill all those desires.  There's not the same physical intimacy (and probably not the same emotional intimacy either) that comes with actual, person-to-person sex.  Over time, that missing piece of the puzzle became more obvious, making online fun decreasingly fulfilling and interesting.

Of course, then I met a few guys and finally had real physical intimacy, which underscored what was lacking in my cybersex experiences.  Once I had that experience, going back to an imperfect substitute made less and less sense.  In eventuality, I lost interest altogether.  After all, time spent cybering is time I could spend making connections with local people, connections that again might eventually lead to the "real deal."

Having that brief encounter with a guy who is clearly at a point in his life where he's heavily into cybering simply reminded me of another way in which I've grown and changed.  I don't know if he will take the same path I did or come to the same conclusions someday.  Maybe for him, cybersex will always be a desirable part of his life.  If so, more power to him.  That's his choice to make and I have no desire to tell him how to live his life.

I simply recognized what is right for me and how that's changed over time.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

It's October 11, my friends.  That means that once again it is National Coming Out Day!  For those who aren't familiar with the day, look here for a brief explanation about it.  I didn't know that this day has been going on for 25 years now.  I only found out about it after I came out.  It's hard to imagine that the day was born back when I was a teenager.  That seems like another lifetime.

In many ways, I do view my pre-coming-out days as a different life.  A life that was marked by worry, shame, deception (of both myself and others), and general unpleasantness.  Accepting who I was as a gay man meant I was able to explore who I am, get to know myself, and find greater freedom in all my colorful glory.  I even have relatives who comment that it's as if I'm a different person.  Some of them like the new person I've become.  Others wish that the "old me" would return, stuffing the best parts of me back into a dusty, confining closet.  Alas, those relatives will remain disappointed.

So to all my gay friends, Happy NCOD!  To all my not-gay-but-supportive friends, thank you for accepting and cherishing me for who I am.  And to everyone, I say be true to yourself, lest you lose sight of both the truth and yourself altogether.

Note:  The image for this post was taken from this page, which is well worth reading.

Get Personal With Me: Colds and Self Care

Today's installment of Get Personal With Me is inspired by the fact that I've been tiring myself out to the point that I think I'm now trying to fight off a cold.

What helps you feel better when you're dealing with a cold?  Do you rely on comfort foods?  Have you found particular medications or even home remedies helpful?

Please keep the comment policy in mind when talking about other people's answers.

Get Personal With Me: Compliments

What's the best compliment you've ever received?  Has anyone ever been particularly touched by a compliment you've offered them.

Note:  Please keep the comment policy in mind when responding to this post or anyone else's answers.

Stealing an idea from JF

(Notice:  Frank sex talk ahead.)

Yesterday, JF wrote a great blog post considering what kind of lover his is.  Be sure to check out his list.  Then consider applying for the position of his lover, because I'm convinced he's going to make some guy damn lucky.

I want to springboard off of JF's list and consider not what kind of a lover I am, but what I'm looking for right now in terms of a relationship.  It's something that's changed over the years, and I think it'll continue to change as I grow and change.

Of course, growing up, I wanted the perfect lifelong relationship.  In reality, I still want that someday.  It's just a much more long term goal.  But in my teens (okay, back then I thought I wanted all that with a girl because that's what I was taught I was supposed to want) and twenties, it's all I would consider.  Every relationship I considered, even every potential date, was filtered through the mindset of "Is this the one???"

In many ways, I think that was harmful to me and my attempts to build friendships and relationships.  It became a sort of desperation that I suspect drove more than one guy away.

After that, I went through what I jokingly (to some friends' amusement) refer to as "my slut phase."  At that point, I was tired of trying for romance and getting incredibly hurt.  I wanted to just go out and have sex.  And I did.  I hooked up.  I met guys out and we went back to one of our places.  I even arranged to meet at one of our places without first meeting in public.  It was a fun time and I certainly enjoyed the sex.

Eventually though, I began to miss the emotional connection and intimacy.  I also started getting the sense that I was more than just an ass for the other guy to stick his cock into, which left me unhappy.  I didn't need to be the other guys "one and only love," but I wanted to matter as a person rather than being seen as an interchangeable part or the latest masturbatory aid.

So now I'm looking for that middle ground.  I want that relationship where I get along with a guy, we have a great time together -- both in and out of the bedroom -- and just seem to mesh well.  I want a relationship where we can talk, plan, work out differences where possible and accept them where it's not possible.  And yeah, if it lasts till death do us part, that's great.  But if it just lasts a couple of months while making them fantastic and enjoyable months, I'm good with that too.

Getting back into the saddle.

I was terribly quiet last week.  That's mainly because I was downright exhausted last week.  The week before that, I had been incredibly busy, what with going to a concert and having that date with the one guy.  That was on top of my usual adventures out and about at Home Bar and just having fun with friends.

So last week, I decided I needed some much needed R&R as a preventive measure.  I started having a tickle in my throat and the occasional sniffles.  When that happens, I know it's time to slow down a bit and get plenty of rest unless I want to spend a day or two in bed (which is never quite as fun when you're spending it there alone as when you're spending it there with someone else).

Sadly, this also meant that I didn't get much writing done.  (Have I mentioned that I started a new writing project?)  I'm trying not to beat myself up over that too much.  The two weeks prior to this past one, I had been starting to really get rolling on the writing.  Then last week hit and I dropped down to writing just a handful of paragraphs.  I'm committed to getting back into the swing of things (without a lot of self-flagellation) this week though.  I hope to have writing spurts Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday this week.

On the meeting people/potential dating front, I also spent most of last week conversing with someone new in email.  He seems like a pretty cool guy.  He's about five years younger than me.  We've enjoyed our conversations.  I'm not sure it'll turn into anything more than electronic pen pals, let alone friendship, but I'm trying to enjoy it for what it is.  It's certainly better than a brief conversation or meeting followed by never talking again.  That pattern gets a little annoying after a while, let me tell you.

At any rate, I hope to have more to write as the week progresses.

Drama and Dating

I ran across this video this morning and loved it:

Think of how much less drama there would be in the world if all the gay men would take this advice and get over it when their friends and exes dated.  I've seen that drama first hand and could only shake my head.  The guy spent several minutes going on about how two of his exes were dating and even had the nerve to come into the chain restaurant that he worked at on a date.  He  spent that time trying to figure out why they'd do that, as if they might visit a chain restaurant simply because they liked the food they serve.

I think that's what gets me.  Drama over exes dating or friends dating your exes is all about making the whole thing about you and your past relationship(s).  My advice to everyone is simply, move on with your lives.  Your exes (or friends and exes) dating is simply not about you.  In fact, it's probably a good sign that your ex(es) are trying to move on with their lives.

Lather, rinse, repeat: Good for washing hair, but not your love life

In many ways, I'm still processing through the events and feelings about my mid-week date.  In many ways, I've started to become more convinced that I really dodged a bullet with this one.  One of the things I didn't mention in my previous post was that he shared with me a bit about his history, including how he came here.  Originally, he lived six hours away, but moved here for a guy.  He told me that he and his ex met online back in February, really hit it off, and decided to move in together, which for my date meant a relocation halfway across the state.  They moved in together back in April.

He's adorable, but is he really worth
packing and unpacking all those boxes?

So he's the kind of guy who met someone and within two months had decided it was True Love™and went through a major move.  That strikes me as...fast.  Granted, I probably wouldn't have always considered it fast.  As I noted in a previous post, there was a time in my life when I would've done anything for anything I thought was True Love™.  In fact, there was a time when I was seriously considering moving to another continent to be with the guy I was convinced I was meant to be with.  (Fortunately, he ended our online entanglement before that could happen.)  I'd like to think I might have still waited for more than two months before going through with it, mind you.  Still, I appreciate the mentality and understand how someone could actually go through with it.

What I don't totally get is that it looks like my date may be planning on going through it all over again.  On our way back to my car from Manly Bar and after he'd decided I wasn't The One™, he started rambling. One of the things he got telling me about is this guy he's been talking to who lives out in Arizona for some time.  He started telling me about how they seemed to have this incredible connection and just got each other on so many levels.  He said he's hoping to go for a visit in January, and that they've made plans to meet a few times but had to cancel in the past.  Listening to him talk (and thinking about it afterward), I realized that he's probably already making plans to move to Arizona for this guy, just like he moved here for his now-ex.

Well, at least he waited more than two months before plunging in.  After all, Arizona is significantly more than six hours away.

All joking and snark aside, this really does amaze me.  I understand impulsively uprooting yourself once for True Love™.  After all, we're all raised with pretty outrageous notions about romance and love.  All the movies tell us that these things have a magic way of working out, and such impulsive daring is rewarded.  So yeah, I see going through all that once.

What I don't get so much is going through that, getting burned, finding yourself in a strange place with few or no friends, and when presented with an opportunity to do it again, and thinking it's still a good idea the second time.

Maybe when I was younger and thought more like this guy, I would think it was a good idea too.  Who knows?  If that's the case, I can only say that I'm glad that I grew wiser over the past several years.

Friday Thoughts: Confidence and Mistakes

Normally, Friday Thoughts are something that's been on my mind and expressed in my own words.  This week, however, I've decided to "outsource" Friday thoughts, as this picture and caption are too perfect not to share.

For those who can't see the picture or read the caption:

Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong.

A pleasant but disappointing date

As anyone who was following my Twitter feed last night would know, I had a date of sorts that didn't go so well.  I originally met the guy through an online personal site.  I contacted him back on Sunday.  I have to say that I thought that my first email (and even the follow-up emails) was amazing, witty, and engaging.  Given that he responded earlier yesterday afternoon, continued the exhange, and proposed meeting in person later last night, I think it's safe to say that the other guy would agree with my assessment.  In many ways, I'm proud of myself for that, as I showed myself to be witty, passionate, and interesting, all characteristics that I was concerned other people might not feel I possessed as recently as a year ago.

That sums up how I feel.
Though I'm more up than down.

Granted, I was a bit concerned and even pleasantly surprised when he responded to my email.  After all, he was in his mid twenties, and I'm getting ready to exit my thirties in less than two years.  But I was pleased to see that I charmed him over and agreed to meet him at a coffee shop around 8:30.  We met there, then decided to go for a walk, as the coffee shop closed at 9 and was more crowded than either of us expected.  We made small talk as we walked and eventually decided to go to Manly Bar for a drink, which was several blocks (possibly a mile) away.  He had a bear and I had a couple vodka and cranberry cocktails.  We talked a bit more and decided to play pool.

Playing pool was interesting.  We both told each other that we weren't very good, which I suspect is the truth.  However, it was a bit embarrassing that I had one of those rare miraculous streaks where four of my consecutive shots actually went the way I intended them to, so I think he thought I had understated my pool playing ability.  (What a time to get lucky, eh?)  Even so, he still only had one ball left on the table when I sunk the eight ball for the win, so it went well.  (Though I'm a bit annoyed that he seemed to doubt my honesty when I said I just got lucky with those shots.)

Overall, I felt the night went really well.  I got out of the house.  I spent a couple hours with a guy who I thought I was both rather cute and pretty smart (if a bit on the insecure side).  Sure, there were a few awkward silences as neither of us were sure what to say (I felt like I was talking too much and had trouble spawning lengtheir responses from him).  But I was okay with that.  I've learned to accept awkward silences and let them naturally resolve themselves.  They bothered him, though.

And there was no "magic moment" where things were perfect and we fell instantly in love (or lust).  Honestly, I'm okay with that at my age.  I don't believe that such fairy tale moments are necessary -- or even conducive much of the time -- to meaningful or lasting relationships.  As such, I felt the night went well for a first time meeting and would be open to spending more time with him.  Even if we never clicked on a romantic level -- and I admit that there's a good possibility that would never happen -- I felt there was enough potential there for a good friendship.  Good friendships -- especially friendships with people I can go to a bar or do other things -- are something I could use more of, to be frank.

Alas, my date (though I'm not sure he'd consider it a date) doesn't seem to feel the same way.  He made a point both at manly bar and when we approached my car to end our night to tell me that he just didn't see any chemistry between us.  It seems he was looking for that magic "fairy tale" moment and is interested in nothing less.  As such, I don't get the impression he's interested in pursuing even a friendship.

While I'm disappointed about this, I accept it.  And while I told him -- when he asked for my opinion -- that I personally would like to spend a bit more time with him, I don't intend on pushing the issue.  If his mind is made up -- and it seems to be that way -- I will respect that.  To be honest, I like him and think he's a good guy, but I'm not going to push or beg for attention or even time spent together.

I did find it funny that he seemed to open up -- in that rambling "let me tell you my whole life story and all my inner thoughts and fears" sort of way (that included talking about some guy out west that he "just clicks with" and hopes to meet this winter) -- on our way home.  I don't know, perhaps that once he decided there was no way I could be "The One," he felt more comfortable and able to just say what was on his mind.  Well, he did that until he started realizing that he was rambling and worried that it would bother me.  (I actually enjoy listening to people ramble.  It's one of my quirks.)

In many ways, he reminded of me from a few years ago:  Insecure, too worried about what other people think, too desperate to find validation through others.  In reality, that probably means I'm just as well off letting him decide not to pursue anything with me.  It's still disappointing though.

But any way you look at it, I was charming and had a great time.  And in the end, I think that's the most important and most encouraging thing to me.

Plus, it's the first date ever in which I got to reminisce about The Facts Of Life.

Get Personal With Me: Music

This week's installment of Get Personal With Me was inspired by a last minute decision to go with Sassy Waiter to listen to a band play last night.

What's your favorite song?  Is it something that brings back a memory?  A song whose lyrics really speak to you?  Or do you just really like the lyrics or the rhythm?

Note:  Before you comment, please remember and even refamiliarize yourself with the comment policy.  Do not judge or otherwise negatively comment on any other commenter's answer.

Erotic stories, readers, and relating to them both.

Notice:  Frank discussion of sex and masturbation ahead.

I've mentioned briefly in the past that I write erotic fiction.  Or call them sex stories.  Or call them porn.  I'm sure different people would classify some of my stories as each of those things.  It's something that I enjoy writing.  It's a fun and interesting way to explore my own fantasies and desires.  It's something that helped me during the coming out process in my early twenties.  And sometimes, it's a good outlet for sexual frustrations.  Plus, like any form of writing, it's a way to explore and be creative and expressive.  Such stories for me -- even if they're too explicit or raw for some people to consider erotica rather than porn -- are as much about crafting something with my words about sex.  This is why, while I sometimes do masturbate after reading such stories, it's a rarity.  I find the writing process a sort of release in its own right much of the time, and see no point in seeking orgasm afterward.  It simply depends on my mood.

I also like to post my erotic stories online for others to read.^[1]  This is because I think they're awesome stories and I want to share them with other people.  I realize that this means that some people will be using my stories as "wank material."  I'm actually okay with that.  While I don't generally use my own stories to fuel my masturbatory fantasies, I certainly read others' stories for that purpose.  As such, I have no problems with the idea of someone using my stories for a similar purpose.  In some ways, I suppose I see it as a sort of compliment.  Plus, I also realize that once I release anything I write -- even non-sexual stories -- to the general public,  I have and should have no control how they take or interact with it.  In reality, their experience with my story does not alter my creative processes or my own experience of that process or the end product.

The sites I post my stories to permit my readers to offer feedback and otherwise interact with me.  In many ways, this is a nice feature.  It's always great to hear someone say that they loved one of my storie.  It's even better if they explain exactly what they love about the story.  (I had one guy practially rave about a creative seduction technique I used in one of my stories.)  I even welcome criticism and suggestions on how I could make a story better (though I certainly feel free to ignore the latter if I wish).  I even appreciate those comments that tell me someone just found a story I wrote "hot" or that it "made them horny."

One of the sites  I post stories to, however, also seems to allow for and in some sense encourage a kind of interaction that I don't appreciate.  In fact, I don't like it at all.  On that site, a small but regular number of readers contact me whenever they see me online in order to engage in cybersex with me.  And that's simply not something I'm into.  In fact, I find it quite bothersome.

I don't mind that people engage in cybersex, nor do I find anything inherently immoral about it.  However, I'm bothered by the fact that these people -- usually men, given my own sexual orientation and the nature of my stories -- seem to think that I'm interested in cybering with them simply because I write and share erotic stories.  And cybersex is not the same as writing an erotic story, at least not from my point of view.

For me, writing a story is a solo and deeply personal practice.  It's born out of my own relationship with the story.  By the time that the story reaches other readers, I'm "done" with it (barring those cases where I choose to pick the same story back up and play with it a bit more).  What the readers do with it at that point has nothing to do with me.

Cybering however is not a solo practice.  It's something that two (or possibly more, I suppose) people engage in for mutual creativity and titillation.  The assumption that because I share erotic stories I also want to cyber with a reader suggests to me that said reader has no respect for my own creative process and has assume that not only my writing, but my very existence is based solely on getting him off.

I have an issue with that.

---

^[1]Before anyone asks, no I will not post any links here.  Those stories are linked to my real name.  So to keep my anonymity relatively intact, those stories will not be in any way connected to this blog.

Some lessons are ongoing

Finding that picture of Stockboy (damn, I might have to add him tot he score card if I'm going to keep talking about him) got me strolling down memory lane quite a bit the past few days.  It occurred to me that my relationship with Stockboy was the beginning^[1] of a journey of healing for me.

Stockboy was my second boyfriend.  Before then, I had only ever been with Satyr Boi, an expereince that could best be described a train-wreck of a six month relationship in which I was emotionally entangled with someone who didn't know how to deal with his emotions and only showed any hint of caring about others through sex.  There's a certain sense of irony in the fact that I went from that disaster into a four year relationship in which the most physically intimate thing that Stockboy and I ever did was kiss each other on the cheek (and that only happened twice).

While I certainly would not want to be in such a non-physical, non-sexual relationship for so long now, that relationship worked wonders for me back then.  It helped me to start breaking down the cycle in which I confused love and sex and assumed that the absence of the latter automatically meant the absence of the former.  Being with Stockboy meant teaching myself to see signs of love and affection as they were expressed through other acts.  It broadened my horizons.

At a higher level, that relationship also taught me a lot about self-reflection and self-evaluation.  I learned to look at my behaviors and the underlying thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that motivated them.  I learned to see relationships as being as much about the process of personal growth as it is about finding true love or being with someone else.  In effect, it was that four year relationship that taught me to audit myself -- in a self-reaffirming and constructive manner rather than a self-denigrated one -- and see where I needed to change.  It's a lesson that I've sought to bring forward with me into my relationships ever since then.

Oh sure, I haven't done a perfect job.  On some days, I'm tempted to look at my subsequent entanglements with Sodomy Badge and Hot Pants and ask if I really learned anything from being with Stockboy.  On my better days, I know I did.  Even in those messed up relationships, my self-reflection process was going on.  There were things wrong in both of those relationships and I knew the problems existed at the time.  I simply chose to ignore them.  More often, I chose to make excuses.  "Well, yeah, I know Sodomy Badge is being selfish and mean at times, but it's because he's scared and lived a sheltered life."  "Well, yeah, Hot Pants is behaving horribly, but he's acting out from his painful past."

In those moments, I realize that the process that started with Stockboy simply hadn't completed by the time I got involved with others (and likely still hasn't).  I hadn't audited myself to the point where I realized that I made too many excuses for others or why I was doing it.  Those are the lessons I learned after going through those relationships, thereby continuing those lessons.

---

^[1]Actually, the journey probably started with a single event that took place in my life about three years before meeting Stockboy, but that may be a story for another day.  For now, we'll pretend that the story starts with him.

My curent frustration

Email from guy:  Hey!  I just saw your personal ad.  You seem like a great guy....

Reply from me:  Hey!  Good to hear from you.

(Conversation ensues.)

Guy:  This has been a great conversation!  So can you send me a picture?

Me:  Sure thing.  Here you go.

(No answer.)

(Weeks pass and I update my ad or create a new one.)

Email from same guy:  Hey!  I just saw your personal ad.  You seem like a great guy....

Reply from me:  Thanks.  Actually, I think we already talked.  This is me...

(Crickets.)

(Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Friday Thoughts: Self Esteem

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that other people's opinion of me matter less the more I love myself.

Get Personal With Me: LGBT-themed movies

Not one of my favorites,
but a good one.

I love LGBT-themed movies.  Whether their funny and campy or serious and dramatic, it's nice to see their tales unfold.  What are some of your favorite films in the genre?

Finding an Old Photo

Last night, I was sorting through my collection of journals, trying to find an unused one.  As I was checking each journal, a photograph fell out of one.  I glanced at it and I realized it was of a former boyfriend from several years ago -- before I moved to my current city.  For this post, I'll refer to this guy as Stockboy.  As I glanced at Stockboy's picture, I was somewhat surprised by my rather unemotional and matter-of-fact response to finding it:

Oh, it's a picture of Stockboy.  I wonder if I should keep it or throw it away.

I honestly wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the picture, which I found somewhat surprising.  You see, I didn't feel any desire to keep the picture.  My relationship with him is long over -- by slightly more than seven years -- and in the past.  I have no desire to resurrect or relive that past.  I don't have the slightest desire to seek him out and reconnect.  I could go the rest of my life without really thinking of him or my relationship with him and find it perfectly fulfilling life.

At the same time, I had no major desire or need to get rid of the picture.  I have no compulsion to keep Stockboy out of his life or bury lingering pains -- there are no such pains with regards to him -- by repressing memories of him or our time together.  I can -- and occasionally do -- talk about times I spent with him very matter-of-factly as experiences that contribute to who I am and how I got to whre I am.

In the end, I decided to toss the picture.  Since I had no desire to hold on to the picture and no need to cast it from my life, I took a practical approach to the question.  Since I don't need or absolutely love the picture, it's effectively clutter, something I have way too much in my life.  So I tossed the picture as something I don't need.

Besides, the memories are still there in the depths of my psyche.  I don't need a picture to access them.  Their presence there is a good thing.  They may surface from time to time of their own accord.  Or I may never think of them at all.  Either way, it's okay with me.  It's a part of my past I've made peace with, and that's all that matters.

Good weekend.

I decided to take a blogging break this weekend.  I decided it would be more personally rewarding to spend the weekend watching television and going out to Home Bar.  It was a pretty busy weekend at the bar this weekend.  The restaurant dining room had a nice flow of business both Friday and Saturday evenings, which is good to know.  I like that Management and his partner (who desperately needs a code name) get business, as it helps ensure that one of my favorite eating establishments stays open.

Saturday night, the place was packed, though not quite as bad as Pride weekend.  It only took me a few minutes to get to the bar and get the bartender's attention to order my cocktail.  On my second time up to the bar, some young thing (who budged in front of me) even spent a moment flirting with me.  It didn't go anywhere, and I half figured he as just being super-friendly because he was drunk.  (Actually, I'm not sure if he was drunk.)  Then I pointed him out to someone else and found out that no, he was being super friendly because he's a hustler.  Oh well, I'm going to claim the compliment anyway.

It turns out that just about everyone I knew was there that night and I got to see more of the same drama to remind me why I don't hang out with some of them.  Sweet Cynic was a drunk mess.  Rumor Queen was trying to play caretaker/babysitter to Sweet Cynic.  He even tried to enlist my aid in his caretaking efforts, which I politely (at least I think I was polite about it) declined.  At any rate, I had a pleasant time.

On Sunday, I went back out for a couple of hours.  Home Bar was having a black party to celebrate the holiday.  I have to say that I though I looked quite dapper in my black and gray vertically striped shirt and black jeans, not to mention my new plaid tennis shoes.  (Yes, I managed to get shoe shopping, and bought two different pairs to treat myself.)  Granted, only the one person at the convenience store complimented me on my outfit.  No one at Home Bar said a word.  Rats.  But it was still a pretty small crowd when I left around 11pm, and I did spend a lot of time in the kitchen to get away from the noise.  What is it with DJ's who seem to think they actually need to make the walls rattle with the volume of their music, anyway?

Beyond that, I spent much of my weekend watching science fiction on Netflix.  I'm getting back in touch with my inner geek.

Friday Thoughts: Integrity and Gossip

One of the advantages of living a life of integrity is that when someone tells you about the rumor they heard concerning you, you can simply respond by throwing back your head and laughing.  Those who overheard are most likely to join in with you, too.

Colorful Needs New Shoes

For those who read this post's title and expected me to talk about gambling, you're going to be disappointed.  But on the bright side, you have the pleasure of knowing that you got my attempt at a comedic reference.  Yeah, I guess that makes me something of a tease.  But I'm only a non-sexual tease.

I'm trying to get back into walking again.  I pretty much stopped for a couple (two? three? four? I don't remember!) weeks.  I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about the lapse, since beating myself up and sending myself into a guilt-ridden funk.  Instead, I'm going to accept that I was dealing with too much exhaustion and other stuff to keep at it and congratulate myself for getting back on the horse now that I'm finding the energy again.  Rewarding good behavior is so much better than flogging myself (since I can't find a cute guy to flog me for me) over the slip-ups.

Of course, I've also realized I have one walking-related problem that needs to be resolved soon:  I really do need new shoes.  Well, sneakers.  The insoles of my current pair are worn down to being nonexistent in places, which means that they're rubbing the soles of my feet in unfortunate ways that are doing horrible and unspeakable things to them.  As I tend to like the soles of my feet and would prefer them not to become permanently malformed or otherwise damaged, I've decided to set aside some money from tomorrow's paycheck and hit the clearance section of my favorite shoe store.  (Wait?  I have a favorite shoe store?  Can I get any gayer?  (Don't answer that!))

So tonight, after Home Bar, I'll be taking my pleasant stroll again through parts of the city.  It'll be good to et back into it.  And tomorrow, it'll be even better to buy and put on a pair of sneakers that don't commit acts against my feet that are probably outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

Get Personal With Me: Humor

Humor is a funny thing.  Different things cause different people to laugh.  The mere mention of a certain word may result in one person breaking out into a huge belly laugh because it reminds them of their favorite joke.  For another person, the absurdity of their current situation may cause them to break down in peels of hysterical laughter.

How about you?  What's something that tickles your funny bone to the point you can't hold in the laughter?

Forgiveness as a weaopn

While checking out blogs this morning, I ran into a post about how forgiveness has become a tool of oppressors.  I highly suggest you read it, as it's well worth it.  It's also of particular value of me because it reminds me of how Hot Pants used to use the concept of forgiveness as a weapon against me.

Hot Pants would do something to hurt me, or maybe I'd catch him in another lie.  I'd confront him.  He would respond following a simple pattern:

1. He'd deny everything.
2. He'd make counter-accusations.  ("Well, you did this!")
3. He'd generally lash out and possibly threaten to never talk to me again.
4. If none of the above had worked, he'd finally offer some sort of apology and expect everything to go back to normal.

Of course, "back to normal" usually meant I was supposed to forget the whole thing so that he could continue to engage in the same deceitful and/or hurtful behavior.  Which is why this cycle kept going until I said enough was enough.  I eventually told Hot Pants, "No.  If you expect me to reconcile^[1] with you, then you need to do certain specific things to demonstrate to me that you will stop this behavior."

Well, that went over like a lead balloon.  And I got all kinds of accusations about how I was supposed to "forgive" him.  After all, that's what his religion says.  You know, neglecting the fact that I don't follow his religion.

Personally, I've always felt (and still do) that Hot Pants simply used his religion and twisted its concepts to suit his own selfish needs.  I'm not convinced at all that his church would have approved of the way he tried to use forgiveness against me.  But Sara's post reeminded me that some church leaders to approve of such an abuse of forgiveness, and even engage in it themselves.  Sara describes this when she talks about how a situation is handled when "powerful people in the church" are called out:

Later, when those who accused the powerful man ask for that man to be kept accountable so he doesn’t hurt anyone else, the church leaders remind them, “His past is in the past. If you keep bringing it up, you’re not really forgiving him. Neither will your heavenly father forgive you.”

In some ways, it's nice to have that affirmation.  It's also nice to know that some Christians not only see how forgiveness can be turned into something abusive, but even acknowledge that it's a tactic used by some church leaders themselves.

---

^[1]One of the reasons this "forgiveness as a weapon or tool of oppression" thing works so well is that many people fail to realize that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.  It is perfectly legitimate to say, "I forgive you, but I do not wish to have you in my life any more."

Weekend update and meeting people.

I had a fairly enjoyable weekend.  I decided not to go out Friday or Saturday night, figuring that I would enjoy some quiet time at home, rather than pushing through the crowds at Home Bar.  Besides, I'm really doubting whether going to Home Bar on Saturday nights is really the best use of my time.  I certainly enjoy seeing all the people I know there.  But at the same time, I'm not sure I'm meeting anyone new anymore, which is a bit of a concern.

Speaking of meeting new people, I read some great advice on another blog last week that applies to the topic and I found helpful.  The advice made it clear that it would be best if I (and others) set the goal to meet new people and not make new friends.  In fact, the advice the blogger gave is if you introduce yourself and strike up a conversation and the other person asks why, tell them simply, "I'm trying to meet different people."  The idea -- which makes sense to me -- is that saying you're looking for friends can come off as putting on too much pressure.  Whereas if you present yourself as merely wanting to meet people, it's quite simple.

I like this because meeting people is easy.  A brief conversation over nothing major -- even the weather -- is a finite, achievable goal.  And yeah, while I might want one of those conversations to develop into something more lasting and interesting, it enables me to seek out a mass quantity of contacts without putting too much hope into any one particular conversation.

In other ways, the advice was quite reaffirming, as it offered specific conversation starters that pretty much mirrored things I've already been doing.  The big example they gave was telling someone they like their outfit.  I'll often comment on a piece of jewelry someone is wearing or a visible tattoo.  And it's reaffirming to know that others figure that such simple interactions could conceivably lead to further conversations.

So I guess I just have to keep doing what I'm doing (though maybe pick a different venue or two) and let things happen when they happen.

Aw? You don't think I'm the hottest guy on earth?

Every now and then, I put out a personal ad.  I don't really expect to get any results from them, but I figure nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Today, I put out one such ad, indicating that I was a romantic and sweet guy looking to connect with other guys and see what happens.

I had  guy who is twenty years older than me respond to the ad.  His response basically made it clear that sex was the primary and possibly the only thing on his mind.  Given the age difference and the fact that this particular ad gave no indication I was looking for sex (and I've submitted ads where my primary and sole interest was in finding sex before), I decided that I wasn't interested.  So I sent him a brief message that simply said, "No thanks."

Of course, the email account I use for personal ads includes the following fun little tag-line:

Some say humor is sexy.  If that's the case, then I may be hottest guy you know.

I think it's fun, and it highlights what I think is one of my greatest qualities.

Well, apparently, the guy decided that because I told him I'm not interested -- heaven forbid I have a say in who I pursue a relationship with -- he needed to let me know his opinion on the matter:

I doubt you are the hottest guy I know.  I know some very sexy ones.  Good bye.

LOL!  Good luck, guy.  Hopefully one of those other sexy guys that you know will be willing to give you what you were seeking from me.  Granted, my pettier side wonders...if you know so many sexy guys that are probably hotter than me, why were you seeking me out anyway?

Somehow, I think I'll find a way to survive knowing that this guy doesn't think I'm the hottest guy he knows.  It may be hard, though.

Get Personal With Me: Self Improvement

What one personal change have you made that you're most proud of?  A change of habit?  A change in how you see yourself?  A change in how you deal with stress?  Whatever it is, share.

Ugh....

Also called "legal crack."

I had absolutely no caffeine yesterday.  My brain is making it clear to me this morning that this is an unacceptable course of action and that I will be punished for this and all future infractions.

Other than that, I'm feeling pretty good.  My funk from the weekend is mostly over.  I've been spending a lot of time relaxing, resting and watching (stupid) movies.

A bit down

I had an unfortunate experience at Home Bar yesterday evening.  It has me reconsidering how much time I want to spend there in the future, or at least how I spend my time when I'm there.  I'm still mulling things over, as I don't want to make any rash decisions.  Plus I do feel better about the fact that at least one of the owners noticed what happened and seemed way more than sympathetic.

Also, this incident has pretty much connected with other things that have been on my mind, which has me in something of a general funk.  As such, my posting for the next couple of days may be brief and/or sporadic.

Gonna wash that mess right out of my home.

I need to find a few
of these items!

I have decided that this weekend will be cleaning day.  I have once again reached the point that I hate looking around my home and seeing clutter as far as the eye can see.  So rather than keeping telling myself that I'll "get around to it," I've decided that I'll get to work this weekend.  I already spent about an hour decluttering the living room this morning.

Granted, I plan on doing other things this weekend as all.  After all, all cleaning and no fun would make Colorful seem much more grey, even after I get all the cobwebs off of me.  So I will still run out to see friends today, have dinner at Home Bar, and go out for the night.  In fact, even while I'm here, I won't be cleaning every single minute.  I think I would burn out.  Instead, I figure that I'll clean in twenty to sixty minute bursts with plenty of television, reading, or chatting online in between.  Even if I only have three or four bursts each day, I figure that will get a lot accomplished and leave me feeling better about both my home and myself.

Of course, the other thing I want to tackle is giving both bathrooms a good scrubbing. They both need it.  Once I get everything cleaned up, I want to get on a better schedule of keeping things that way, too.  I've done better than I have in the past, but I can still definitely improve, as is obvious.

I hope all my readers have a wonderful and productive day.

Friday Thoughts: Being yourself

Some simple and fantastic advice is "Just be yourself."  I believe being yourself is the best thing you can do for both yourself and the other people in your life.

Unfortunately, being yourself is not easy advice to follow.  It often means first figuring out who you are after growing up in a culture that frequently teaches and pressures you to be who other people expect you to be instead.

Checkup, Part 4

Continuing my codependency checkup (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), I notice that this particular section of my old checklist is relevant to recent events in my life.  The characteristics I'm going to talk about was grouped together as "Dependency."  The first one on the list pretty much describes the common theme running through the rest of them:

• believe other people can't or don't love them

I certainly believe that people can love me.  I believe a lot of people -- friends and good family -- do love me.  I seem to be having a hard time finding a guy who loves me on a romantic level, but that fact no longer invalidates my ability to receive and experience love from all of those other sources.

Plus, I'm now more inclined to look at the men who don't love me and determine that we're simply not a good match or that the fault lies with him rather than automatically assume that it's a sure sign that something horrible is wrong with me.

• desperately seek love and approval
• often seek love from people incapable of loving

I don't do this anymore.  I have reached the point that I know I'm worthy of love and approval.  So if someone is unwilling to open themselves to loving me, I move on.  I'm not going to try to figure out how to make them love me or fit into their notions of who I need to be to get their love and approval.

• believe other people are never there for them

I struggle with this to some degree.  I wouldn't say that I don't think people are never there for me.  But I occasionally do wonder why people don't seem to be there for me in a given situation.  (And in fairness, I'm still working on the fact that I don't always let them know I need them to be there.)

• equate love with pain

I remember how I was like this.  Love was all about sacrifice and suffering.  Now, I tend to think "Screw that!"  Granted, I'm willing to compromise and make things work.  But part of healthy compromise is making sure my needs and interests get met, too.  No more one-way giving.

• try to prove they're good enough to be loved
• don't take time to see if other people are good for them
• worry whether other people love or like them
• don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people
• center their lives around other people

I think this is one of those areas where I deserve an actual medal.  I'm tired of trying to prove myself anymore.  I refuse to do it.  If some guy seems to think I'm not good enough for him, he can keep moving.  I'll find someone who has more sense.

And that second one?  That was a real wake-up call for me.  I'm proud of myself that I was ready to turn down the coffee date guy and a few other guys that I've run into.  At this point, I guess I've done a complete 180:  I'm not interested in proving myself to others, but they sure better be prepared to demonstrate they are worth my time!

And no, no centering my life around others and definitely no losing my life for others.  As far as I'm concerned, people can now find a way to fit into my life.  Well, okay, we can find a way to share our lives, but in a way that demonstrates that he values my individuality, uniqueness, and interests just like I value his.

The rest of the list mostly repeats or looks at these same themes from other issues, so I'm going to skip them.

Get Personal With Me: Celebrations

We all have those things in our lives to celebrate.  We get a promotion or raise at work.  We rock a presentation for a class we're taking.  That special someone finally says, "I love you."  What are some of the ways you celebrate those special moments?  How do you reward yourself after some accomplishment?

Feeling good (about myself)

I'm feeling a lot better after the disappointment of the coffee date.  I spent some time last night just relaxing, watching television, and chatting with guys online.  What really helped is that I took the time to remind myself of what the other guy told me, though I'm not convinced he was sincere about when he said it.

I'm a great guy.

Doing little things, like cracking jokes, laughing at my wit, having a great phone conversation with Southern Helle, telling stories, watching movies, being exuberrantly friendly with a pizza delivery guy while shirtless (hey, at least I put on shorts!) all are things that remind me how wonderful I am and what I have to offer the world, and not just some guy (thougH I have a lot to offer the right guy, too).

So I guess this is a friendly reminder to myself:  When I have a disappointment involving some jackass, I should go back to the basics.  I should pamper myself and remind the world just how awesome I am.

Meh

So the coffee date did not go quite as expected.  Granted, it wasn't a complete disaster, and the guy seems like a half decent fellow.  I'm hoping that means that we'll become friends and hang out at times.  Perhaps I'll meet some new people -- and new potential mates -- through him.  But as for being a potential mate or even a sex partner, it's a no go.  We both came to that same conclusion.  In fact, I was getting ready to send him an email saying as much an hour or so after I got home, only to find he'd already sent me an email saying much the same thing.

I'm not entirely surprised, and in the grand scheme of things, I had my doubts earlier this weekend.  There were just a few things he said and did over the weekend that came across as subtle (and not so subtle) violations of my personal boundaries.  For example, on Friday night, he originally suggested we  meet Saturday morning.  I explained to him that I had been feeling tired and on the verge of compromising my health and wanted to sleep in on Saturday.  He said he understood, but then he kept bringing it up the rest of Friday evening and even on Saturday.  He'd say little things, like, "I wish we I was meeting you tomorrow, but I understand that you can't."  I felt as if he was cajoling  me, trying to get me to change my mind.  Which left me wondering:  if he was willing to do that before we even met, what would he be like if we got involved?  Add to that a few things he said during the coffee date, and I just felt that his expectations for getting involved with him -- especially since he's not looking for a full-blown romantic relationship at this time -- were a bit unreasonable.

Granted, I am a bit disappointed that he sent me an email saying he didn't think we'd work out sexually.  It's probably a little bit petty of me, but I really wanted to be the one to turn him down.  I guess I just wanted to make it clear that I found things that caused me to find the arrangement discomforting.  Yeah, I suppose I could have still said as much to him (as it is, I just agreed that it's best we simply opt for friendship), but I think that would have come off as sour grapes rather than honest criticism.

Plus, I admit, I'm disappointed.  At first, this guy seemed like a real possibility, and as much as I'm glad I found out I was wrong about it this early in the game, the loss of a possibility is still frustrating.  Especially when I'm not sure when the next possibility will put in an appearance.

Weekend Report

As is usual the cases, my fears earlier this week proved unfounded and I got my wit at creativity back.  I actually felt like I was on fire this weekend, to the point of possibly being obnoxious at times.  Between the banter with Sassy Waiter on Saturday and some fun conversations with both people at Home Bar and the staff at another waitress yesterday, I jut felt really good about myself.  And maybe a little full of myself.  (Hey, I need to be full of somebody.)

I was so on fire, this word got tossed around.

I didn't go out to Home Bar on Saturday (late) night or Friday night for that matter.  I decided that as tired and out of sorts as I've been lately, I just needed a weekend of nights home alone.  Or nights one-on-one with another guy, but that didn't pan out.  And while I was still up late both nights, "late" worked out to around midnight rather than the 2am or later, which is normal when I do go out.

As for one-on-one time with a guy, I'm meeting someone for coffee this evening.  He and I have been talking via emails for almost two weeks now.  It's been a pleasant conversation and I'm looking forward to seeing if we click as well in person as we seem to online.

Why Sassy Waiter has his code name

Yesterday evening, I went to Home Bar for dinner.  As it was Saturday night, Sassy Waiter was working.  I love Sassy Waiter.  I love the rest of the staff there, but I don't get quite the same fun as I get with him.  We play-spar a lot.  To give you an example from last night:

Sassy Waiter:  Can I get you anything else?

Colorful:  (To Management.)  Should I use the line I did the other night?

Management:  I don't see why not.

Colorful:  (To Sassy Waiter.)  Yes.  I'd like a good looking top whose idea of a great night involved making a fat balding guy moan in ecstasy.

Sassy Waiter:  (Pause.)  Well, I have a check for you.

Management:  (After a long pause.)  You know, I don't think I've ever seen anyone strike Sassy Waiter speechless before....

Sassy Waiter:  I am not speechless.  I had a perfectly witty retort for that.

Colorful:  Okay.  I'm waiting to hear it.

Sassy Waiter:  Oh, fuck you!

(Everyone laughs.)

A post about Sassy Waiter would be
incomplete without an image of a cat.

Now, in fairness, I don't always come out on top in these exchanges.  Sassy Waiter often gives at least as good as gets.  But you know, it's my blog, so I get to choose the example that casts me in the best possible and even superior light.  To riff on Mel Brooks, "It's good to be the queen!"

But that's what I love about going to Home Bar, well besides just feeling comfortable there and the fact that the kitchen pumps out some of the most delightful food on the planet.  I like the back and forth comments, the raunchy humor, and the fact that everyone fully understands it's all in fun.

Come back, wit!

Earlier this week, I was feeling unwitty and uncreative.  As such, not only did this blog remain silent and untouched, I made almost no Tweets on either of my Twitter accounts and made no Facebook updates (other than linking to articles I found interesting).  Hey, everyone's allowed to quiet every now and then.  Everyone's even allowed to have moments where they're not feeling creative or witty.

The problem is, I hate such moments.  Such moments are psychological and emotional torment on me.  I start to worry about whether I'll ever feel creative or witty again.  I start to wonder if I ever really was creative and witty to begin with.  Was I just kidding myself?  Am I fake, who is uninteresting in reality?  Is my sham finally over and exposed to the world?

I'm sure you can now see why my therapist zeroed in on my self-esteem problems so quickly when I was seeing her.

You see, I put a lot of stock in my creativity and wit.  I think -- and I think it's justifiable -- they are two of my greatest qualities.  I take pride in the fact that I can usually charm people with a quick-witted response or a rant that is so laden with hyperbole and other absurdities that people listening to me start cracking up.

So when I go through dry spells like earlier this week, I get worried.  I fear that I'm losing that part of myself, a part that I trade on regularly when it comes to social interactions.  Fortunately, the humor starts coming back eventually, proving that my fears are all for not.  But that doesn't change how dark and uncertain those times feel in the moment.

Friday Thoughts: Life

Don't spend so much time trying to figure out the meaning of life or what its purpose is that you forget to enjoy or actually live it.

Unrealized Crushes

In my answer to yesterday's edition of "Get Personal With Me," I mentioned that in retrospect, I probably had a crush of Ralph Macchio when I watched The Karate Kid back in the 80's.  I didn't face up to the fact that I was gay until my very early twenties and then took another two years to come to accept that fact.  As such, there have been those few cases where I got thinking back to a casual friendship I had with some guy during my high school years and realized that there were extra feelings there.

The most memorable -- and first -- such incident occurred when I was in my late twenties.  I was on a long drive one day and my mind somehow got wandering down memory lane.  Eventually, the stroll took me to may days in band and I got thinking about the other band members I'd talk to.  I got thinking of a guy -- I'll call him Blue -- who was a trumpet player.  Blue was a year or two behind me and our seats in band practice were close enough that we'd occasionally get chatting.  I got thinking about the laughs we used to have.

Then some part of my mind suddenly decided to offer its thoughts on Blue.  "Man, I had such a crush on him back then."

The moment the thought echoed through the rest of my brain, I was jerked back to the present in a moment of total shock.  I couldn't believe I had just "voiced" that thought.  I had never realized it before that moment.

As I thought about it more, I realized that it actually made sense.  Blue was absolutely adorable with curly hair, a slim build, a fantastic smile, and a wicked sense of humor.  And I could certainly realize how much I had been drawn to him back then.  Had I been in a place in my life where I could have admitted my feelings for him back then....

Well, who knows what would have happened?  It could have been a great first romance (something I might have enjoyed going through back then rather than when I was in my twenties).  Or it could have been a total disaster and caused all kinds of problems for me.  At this point, I will never know.  But since that epiphany during a drive (on a thankfully non-busy highway, given my initial shock), I have gained a greater appreciation for how my mind knew what was going on with me back then and remembers those crushes, even if I wasn't able to acknowledge them at the time.

Get Personal With Me: Movies and Memories

What movies evoke a sense of nostalgia for you?  What makes those movies so memorable for you?  Do they evoke certain memories, either about subject matter of the movie or about the first time you watched it (or anything else)?

Sometimes, I just need time to myself.

I've been quiet the last few days.  I decided I needed a few days off to rest up and just take care of myself.  Between becoming emotionally raw over the whole dust-up with the fast food chain that I will not talk about at this time, being worked up over some bullshit responses I got to a recent personal ad, and dealing with a minor exchange with my parents that would have seemed like nothing to me if it wasn't for those first two items, I just decided it was time to withdraw, treat myself to some pampering and nostalgia (I'll get to that when I give my own answer to today's edition of "Get Personal With Me").

I don't want to be
stuck here, but frequent
visits are nice.

For me, withdrawing and focusing on myself is one of the best ways for me to rejuvenate and heal after trying times.  The withdrawal encourages me to focus on self-care rather than getting involved in other people's lives.  (Seriously, giving into my introverted nature on occasion is also one of the best remedies for my codependent tendencies.)  It's a good way to not only remind myself to take care of me first, it's a good way to force myself to do exactly that.

Of course, there's a certain danger in it too.  When alone, I'm also vulnerable to tendencies to fret, stew, and actually make some thing worse in my own head.  Plus, there are those times I get into a funk and wonder why no one has noticed my withdrawal and come to my side to ask me what's going on.  So I do have to be careful that I seek out balance and make sure the withdrawal does not turn into long-term or permanent isolation.  Plus I need to remind myself that if I really do need someone to talk to, it's best if I just come right out and call a friend I know I can trust and say, "Hey, do you have a minute."

But all the same, the quiet time was greatly needed and has left me feeling quite refreshed.  And hopefully, that will mean that posting will resume as normal.

Well, that was easy.

I haven't heard from Sweet Cynic in about a week now, and I'm quite comfortable with that.  In fact, I may be happy.  Granted, he's gone two to three weeks before contacting me before, so I may be celebrating prematurely.  However, he usually only ignores me when he's seeing someone, and as far as I know (though I'm not going to do anything to really verify it), he's single at the moment.  He broke up with the last boyfriend (I knew about) almost two weeks ago.

It's like this, but with
other people's bullshit.

That's why he texted me last weekend, or at least I assume that's why.  He probably needed someone to vent to about his breakup drama, plus he probably wanted me to take him out to a bar (as he doesn't have a car of his own and decided to move clear out to an isolated location with even shittier public transit than they have in the city).  I just wasn't in the mood for it, so I took one last look at the shiny words "hey hey" on my smartphone and deleted them.  Then because I realized that if I stayed home that night (as I had originally planned) I was going to stew in frustration.  So drove to Home Bar and posted a checking announcing I was there "to get out and have fun before I snap," and went on to have a pleasant day.

I'm sure (Not So) Sweet Cynic saw the check-in, and I'm pretty sure why I haven't heard from him since.  He's probably upset and handling it in his usual passive-aggressive way.  Which is fine with me, as it might get me out of the huge drama that will result from me telling him I simply don't see any value (for me, at least) in continuing our friendship.  But I've also pretty much resolved myself to the choice that the next conversation I have with him will result in exactly that.  No more conflict avoidance on this one.

Granted, I'm starting to think I shouldn't expect any drama, at least not much.  Sweet Cynic doesn't often create scenes, at least not directly toward the person he's upset with.  He's more passive-aggressive than that.  He'll rant behind my back.  Or he'll make snarky comments, comments which I can ignore.  Of course, I can just ignore the drama, too.

The one thing I struggle ignoring, though, is comments against my character or my behavior, at least the ones that I think are unjustified or that act like my choices are in someway unjustified.  I immediately want to stand up for myself and not let things like that go unchallenged.  After all, I got tired of rolling over and taking people's abusive attempts to force a sense of guilt on me for actually trying to look out for myself.

However, I'm starting to learn that sometimes, standing up for yourself actually takes the form of walking away and not replying to the criticisms, attacks, and mischaracterizations.  Sometimes, walking away with an attitude of "I don't have to defend myself from your vitriol because you're just being an ass" is a matter of respecting myself, even if the other person doesn't interpret my actions that way.

But that's one I'm still working on fully internalizing.